To be honest?

[SpeakFromTheHeart]

NC for obvious reasons. Apologies if it's long.

My DGM's funeral is next week and I'm wanting to write something for me and DB to honour the significance she had on our lives. I wish to do this mindfully but without filtering our truth.

For context: We were very much raised by our DGP's and in every way, expect conception, my DGM was our mother. It was them who took us to school, who picked us up when we were down, who shared life experiences with. Without them it's likely we wouldn't know what it was like to be loved and cared for. Our own mother (their daughter) neglected, abused and often exploited us, not just in childhood but also as an adult. I am LC with her.

My mum will be at the funeral and has so far took on the devoted grieving daughter role and excluded me and DB from arrangements. I'm trying to refrain from making us a target on the day but I want to remain true to myself and recognise my DGM for everything she was to us. Obviously circumstances won't be mentioned.

AIBU to do this or is the upset just not worth it? WWYD?

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning but due to circumstances there isn't an option to discuss this and do it together. So I'm responsible for writing it and my DB's job will be to read it and verify/add to it where he feels necessary.

YANBU. I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

I would focus entirely on the positive things your DGM did for you. Talk about her love, the role she played in your life. Share some anecdotes celebrating how she cared for you and supported you. Avoid calling out your mother or explicitly going into the “except for her we would have been neglected” side. That will be very obvious to those who know, and those that don’t are not important to you at this tough point in your life. You can pitch this to both remain true to yourself and also make it really hard for your mother to make a public scene about it by just talking positively about your DGM.

Nobody wants dirty laundry at a funeral

It's fine to focus on what she did for you. As long as the theme is "what DGM did right" (which I'm sure is your intention) and doesn't become "what DM did wrong" there is no problem.

Thank you. Of course I'm not going to include any insults or implied "if it wasn't for her" references. I suppose I'm cautious that whatever I may say could be taken as an indirect insult if people read more in to it. I'm trying to keep my wording very neutral but factual.

From what I've drafted here's an example, X was more than just our grandma. In many ways she was our motherly figure. She was our greatest source of love, security and support. She taught us what it means to be strong, to love deeply, and to care for others with an open heart.

I suppose I'm fretting about the use of "motherly figure".

*Edited to remove the tag

No advice I'm afraid. I was VLC with my mum, when grandad (father's side, who we all loved) died, it was all about her, she planned THE most extravagant funeral, I didn't go because she hadn't spoken to him in years! He would have hated it, other than everyone having a pint of Guinness.
I refused to join in her theatrical state funeral production and my poor father when he got the invoices nearly died himself. No one has ever mentioned my not being there and as most people invited didn't know me I didn't care
My grandad certainly would have supported my not going. How we grieve is up to us. I would rather fond memories than witness a charade.
Not going is an option and she is likely to take offence whatever you do.

I would just say how you felt about your grandmother without saying anything negative, eg take out 'motherly figure' which is a judgement on your birth mother. Keep it absolutely factual- say what she meant to you, what she gave you and how you loved her but without referencing anyone else, or any implied reference.

When you think about it 'mother' doesn't necessarily mean loving, giving, nurturing. Mother just means a person gave birth to you.

I was also brought up by my grandparents, my mother didn't or couldn't want me. I think funerals should be about the truth about the dead, but not necessarily about the living who are sitting there listening

@binkie163 Unfortunately not going isn't really an option. I will need to support my grandad on the day when not many others in attendance will.

I would maybe say something like “she was the nurturing influence/the constant grounding presence in our life” or something like that rather than our motherly figure. But tbh I’m not sure I’d be arsed about upsetting your dm anyway. She sounds crap.

Op im very sorry for your loss. It's very considerate of you to want to spare your mother's feelings even though she hasn't been supportive of you. It sounds like your grandparents have done exactly what you said, I.e. to care with an open heart.

Having said that I think your message is actually quite controversial. I mean, if you don't want to cause offense to your mother I would take out or rewrite rhe first 2 lines as they state quite pointedly that your grandmother did more for you than your mother. You could just change "greatest support" to "great support" (even if "greatest" is more accurate).

Yes I went to my GMA's funeral to support gdad. Could you gdad and brother do something nice together day before to remember her. Maybe plant a rose bush or something she would have liked. It is then nothing to do with mum x dysfunctional families are a nightmare to navigate.

Maybe 'X was more to us than a Grandma. When we were with her we felt safe, loved and supported. She taught us what it means to be strong, to love deeply, and to care for others with an open heart. We will miss her more than we will ever be able to express.'

Do you have an idea of how many people will be at the funeral?

The circumstances regarding my DB is what makes this difficult. He is currently under section in a MH facility so the only opportunity he has with us will be for 3 hours on the day and a phone call in the run up so we can go through what I've prepared.

I'm sensitive to his issues and my mum has already put him in some questionable positions since my DGM's passing. So whilst I don't really care if I unintentionally upset her (I can deal with that) but I just wouldnt want to inadvertently cause a drama that could destress him or anyone else.

To be clear this isnt in any way me purposely trying to dig anyone out or to make anyone feel a certain way but just me trying to pen in the best way what my DGM was to us.

I would change it to “she was a source of” and take out motherly figure because it implies there wasn’t one which may be true but it’s not the place to point it out as everybody is grieving

i just had to do this for my husband and it’s best to be very neutral

this is the only occasion I would do that!

I think if you suspect your mother will take offense you have to options prepare for it and say exactly what you want in remembrance of your grandmother or remove direct references to where she has taken the role your mother should have done, your mother may still get offended but it will be harder. You can still say your grandmother was your guiding figure, maybe remove the motherly bit and greatest source,

Yes the fact you can feel it already. Do t forget you want to be there without worry

This is perfect

Roughly a minimum for 20 people. Mainly my DGDs siblings, his and my GM's friends, my mum and her friends.

I will very much be isolated on my own with the DC and without support so this is why I'm very mindful about keeping a low profile and avoiding being the target for her abuse.

I think if you say she’s a motherly figure it’ll upset your mum. I’m sure there will be other wording to say how much she meant x

This ^^ Don't use the words 'motherly figure' as that could be seen as having a dig at your actual Mother. But the nurturing influence and constant grounding presence hits the nail on the head without actually saying she was practically our Mum.

I think this a rare case that you should keep posting your ideas on here so we can help you.

You need to take all the subtext out, but it's difficult for you because you are so close to it.

Just write what you and your brother felt about your grandmother, imagine your mum doesn't exist.

As I know from experience a funeral is the wrong time to reveal your true feelings about the living.

@SpeakFromTheHeart sounds like a nightmare tbh full of landmines. It is so awful that a time of remembrance, love and contemplation is often hijacked by drama, it is so inappropriate. Your DGD will be there for you and Im sure his friends/family will also support you, they must know the situation.

I would refer to her as “like a second mother” instead of “your motherly figure”, and just a “great source of love” rather than “the greatest”. You could say how grateful you are to everything she did for you too?

These are still true statements that honour the special role your grandmother had in your life, but are also statements that could be said by someone who has a great relationship with their mother and can’t be reasonably interpreted as diminishing your birth mother’s role (accepting that might be a valid thing to do at another time and place!)

If your essential stance is solid in that GM was your caregiver, then that will be implicit. The word “mother” can be off the table, as you had an absent mother.

Ie ” our gm made us what we are today, making us feel safe and loved and held, day by day”