To be honest?

[SpeakFromTheHeart]

NC for obvious reasons. Apologies if it's long.

My DGM's funeral is next week and I'm wanting to write something for me and DB to honour the significance she had on our lives. I wish to do this mindfully but without filtering our truth.

For context: We were very much raised by our DGP's and in every way, expect conception, my DGM was our mother. It was them who took us to school, who picked us up when we were down, who shared life experiences with. Without them it's likely we wouldn't know what it was like to be loved and cared for. Our own mother (their daughter) neglected, abused and often exploited us, not just in childhood but also as an adult. I am LC with her.

My mum will be at the funeral and has so far took on the devoted grieving daughter role and excluded me and DB from arrangements. I'm trying to refrain from making us a target on the day but I want to remain true to myself and recognise my DGM for everything she was to us. Obviously circumstances won't be mentioned.

AIBU to do this or is the upset just not worth it? WWYD?

'Motherly figure' and 'our greatest source' reads as too much of a dig, OP. Keep it simple and loving, as per the rest of your words. A funeral is NOT the time for 'your truth'.

I am so sorry that your dear brother is in a MH facility, and that you feel you will be isolated from the rest of the congregation.

Would it be more appropriate to ask your grandfather to stay with you and your brother at the end of the service, so the three of you can just be in the moment, together with your grandmother and out of earshot of everyone else, to pay your respects? Is that even an option? Depending on whether it’s a crematorium or church / graveyard might determine if this would be practical. Do you have a partner who can take care of your children if this could happen, or would they perhaps want to be with you if you can manage to have 5-10 minutes alone with your grandfather?

I think what makes it difficult to say anything without offense is that she was our caregiver, she was our mother. Its hard to think of anything else better fitting because my judgement is clouded.

Every experience in my life was with my grandmother. I never knew life without her. She was the one who took me to school in the morning and plaited my hair at night, who nursed me when i was sick, who hugged me when i cried and came to every event i was part of, she picked up the pieces and put me back together when times were tough, who knew when my period was due and could sense the smallest change in my mood and who held my hand when my children were born.

It feels wrong to brush over and minimise how much that meant and shaped us just because the person who birthed me is in front of me. In reality I've lost a big part of my heart in losing my grandmother.

I dont know how im supposed to express all that she was without offence.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Start by talking about how much love you had for her and how much love she gave you. Mention some lovely memories and funny things she used to do, then finish with how much you will miss her every day.
There is no need to add in that she was like a mother, or how she raised you. Most of your closer family will know anyway, it’s not appropriate. Keep it honest and make your words about the close relationship you shared with your grandmother.

It's a cremation service, so i think it could be possible to stay behind for a couple of minutes whilst the others exchange pleasantries outside but i dont think there is a lot of time between services. Perhaps we could plan to do that intimately to scatter her ashes. I dont have a partner or anyone who could come with me/have DC.

So sorry for your loss Could you write two versions? One that says everything you’d like to say if your mother wasn’t present and another that you amend to read out that ensures the funeral goes peacefully for your grandad, brother and yourself. You could still share the first version privately with your grandad and anyone else you’d like to outside of the funeral and even ask him if a copy could go in the coffin.

You talk about all the stuff she did for you and what she made you, like you’ve already composed…

it sounds like maybe you do what to point something out to your mother, understandable, but I think you will regret it at your GM funeral

this is why i had a gap between death and funeral so I could get over my anger first with relatives that let my husband down. I was very glad I didn’t make my point at his funeral

what would she want you to do?

I had to write the eulogy when my mother died. She was basically a narcissist. So I know this is difficult if you want to be true to yourself.

I said a lot about her determination and successes, that she raised 4 children on her own, love of animals etc. All positive things. I just missed out anything about her being a loving, caring mother.

Can you imagine what you would write if she had just been an exceptionally fantastic grandmother and you had had the normal sort of upbringing? Write that out first, and then tweak it as you see fit.

Often bringing in anecdotes and sayings (ie a love of knitting and still having the sweaters as keepsakes - sort of thing) can build a picture of your GM without implying anything about your mother.

Easy to say and hard to do, but this may be the time to keep some generosity in your heart for your mother (although I’m not saying she deserves it), just that in the years to come, the memory of this funeral will be filled with only good memories for you.

it sounds like maybe you do what to point something out to your mother, understandable, but I think you will regret it at your GM funeral.
I really don't want to point out anything or make a dig or to make anyone feel inferior/upset. Even if my mum wasn't there, I would still want to say the same things and they would still mean the same because that is how I feel and what my grandma was to me. It's disheartening to hear that maybe I should be bland in my tribute and dim down any feeling because I don't know how to do that with my grandparents. I don't know how to see them in another way to what I do.

what would she want you to do?
I would imagine she would encourage a mixture of filtered truth. She always encouraged me to be true to who I am and to speak from the heart unfiltered. However would often say "she is still your mother". It was because of my GM why I could never fully go NC with my mum because it would mean cutting my DGP's off too.

I'm sorry for your loss. I was raised by my grandparents too. At my grandmothers funeral both me and my little sister gave a speech both focusing on all she did to us. I was nervous of my mothers reaction but by focusing on what my grandparents and grandmother did for us and let the fact that my parents weren't there go unsaid. Both speeches went down well with everyone. On the day everyone was focused on the wonderful woman my grandmother was meant that they were taken less personally than normal. My mum is prone to taking offence easily but this was one occasion she didn't

Do you know who the funeral director is?

Whilst I understand your mother had sidelined you from the arrangements, could you speak with your grandfather and with the funeral director about allowing you and your brother, and your grandfather, that short time whilst the others file out (have gone through the door into the garden of remembrance) and before the next funeral begins?

I am pretty sure they will have done such a thing before. It would not be unusual for your grandfather to ask for a few moments alone when everyone has left, you could ask the funeral director not to release the coffin until the three of you have said what you want to say. My DF requested this when my DGM passed.

Was there any particular wording/phrases you used that may help? I understand if it's something that's personal to you.

I'm just wondering if perhaps I could maybe change certain wording rather than phrase everything differently and very carefully.

Can you not write it and save it for when you scatter her ashes?
Is poking the bear so to speak at the actual funeral going to help?
you know how much she meant to you and those that matter know to.
A formal declaration on the day won't add to that and is causing you so much worry.
Take some time on the day just to remember her and then say whatever you want at a time of your choosing with the people that matter

You have had more useful advice than I am able to offer but I would say that you have every right to speak your truth about your lovely DGM at her funeral.

It is a very particular and special opportunity to pay tribute to her and all she did for you. I don't think there is anything amiss in saying 'motherly figure'.

In any case, your feelings about it matter more than your mother's. It sounds like she has always prioritised herself over you all these years, and it would be a shame if your fear of repercussions made you feel the need to pander to her and stifle what you really want to say on this final significant occasion.

If you want to be tactful (entirely up to you) then I'd avoid comparative terms. So rather than 'THE greatEST source of...' I'd go for 'a great/a huge/an incredible source...'. I'd avoid using the term 'motherly' to describe behaviour, and just describe what she did and let it speak for itself. She doesnt need to be more than JUST a grandma, she can be the 'best grandma we could have wished for, going above and beyond to...' etc. Try to clear your mind of comparison with your mum and ideas of mum roles versus grandma ones, and just describe the amazing woman she was, and her unique role in your lives. I'm sorry for your loss.

Having read some of your posts throughout this thread more carefully OP, I am feeling angry for you. Your abusive mother has stolen so much from you and is even threatening to steal this.

Things like theirs being home away from home/ a second home....glossing over really feeling more of a first home.
Dependable constant because of my parents work rather than dependable constant because of my mum being my mum!
Then focused on the things I learnt about life from my grandmother, things we did together etc. they seemed like less controversial things whilst still respecting the memory of my grandmother.

I think that would still be considered as insulting to the mother

Your grandmother sounds absolutely wonderful, and I'm really sorry for your loss. It must be such a tough time for you right now.

I think maybe you could be honest about the incredible love and support your grandmother showed you without using the words 'motherly'. You can say that her role in your life went far beyond that of what a grandmother would typically do/be to someone, and you can emphasise that she was always there for you day to day and that she provided most of your care when you were a child - that's an undisputed fact, I assume. But I think perhaps just aim to do that without using the term 'mother figure' or 'motherly' or whatever. I'm sure people will absolutely understand that this was actually the role your grandmother played in your life - but not using that word or referring to your mother's absence/shortcomings will mean your mother doesn't have any real ammunition for kicking off.

Whatever you choose, I'm sure your tribute will be heartfelt and moving, and that your grandmother would be proud.

How about something like:

GM played a huge part in mine and brother’s lives as children. I will always remember the time we spent together when she would plait my hair before bed. She gave amazing hugs - I’ve always said that when you’re feeling ill, a hug from grandma was better than any medicine.

When GM would pick me and brother up from school, we always enjoyed (for example) playing monopoly. GM would always let me win (or some connected anecdote).

it always felt like GM was psychic because she always seemed to know how I was feeling. That’s why it was so special to have her with me when I gave gave birth to X, and those magic hugs still worked while I was in labour

Does this sound better than "motherly figure"?

For us, X was more than just our grandmother, she was a great source of love, security and support. Our confidant, our rock and our biggest cheerleader.

@123ZYX that is a perfect draft thank you. I could definitely work with that.

YANBU - sorry pressed wrong button

Going slightly against the grain here but I think you should say what you feel and I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying she was the “greatest support” etc. I don’t think you have to take out the sentence about being motherly but maybe you could re-phrase that so it’s less of a comparison to your bio mum. I think you’re pretty close with what you have written so far and I don’t think you should get too hung up about causing offence.

I am sorry for your loss - your grandma sounds like she was a wonderful lady.

Sounds perfect (although you could leave out 'biggest' as that's also comparative) sounds lovely and loses no meaning without.