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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did mum do it on purpose?

72 replies

AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 09:37

I would appreciate honest opinions on this. I was planning on going away for a week with my two younger children and my mum. It was to see family I haven’t seen in 7 years and to organise some paperwork. My dad sent a message saying he isn’t sure I should be going away, that it’s not the right time and we will discuss it later as he’s going to work. He was meant to be buying the tickets for mum and myself and kids and I was going to transfer him the money before he purchased them. The way he worded it seemed to imply that he is making the decision for us. For context he has form for convincing my mum not to go back to our home country as he’s got anxiety about flying.

My mum saw the message he sent as she’s in our small WhatsApp group. Then she sent me a private message saying dad said it’s not the right time to go. It got me angry as occasionally he has acted as if he can control my actions and tell me what to do. For context I’m in my 30’s, married with kids. I called her and asked her what’s going on. I then said I feel angry that dad seems to think he can just decide if I get to go or not. He isn’t in charge of my decisions etc… if I want to go I will go and I will purchase the tickets myself. Further context mum always uses her mobile on speakerphone when she’s talking to someone. As I spoke to her for about 15 minutes and occasionally got heated up feeling like I have to justify and convince my dad why it would be a good idea to go etc… she never once mentioned that he’s there listening. I heard something in the background and just got a feeling he was there.

I then said I’ll call dad myself and tell him all this as I’m feeling angry (I’m hormonal as I was up breastfeeding baby all night and period is due as I was in pain). She then said he’s here. He sounded sad in his voice. I told him exactly how I felt in the same tone of voice that I spoke to my mum about him. If I would’ve known he was there I would’ve spoken to him directly and said the same things but in a gentler way. I feel like she did that on purpose. Further context she is always keen to point out mine and the children and my husband’s faults to my dad. I feel like she likes to bond with him that way or to get him on her side. I don’t know exactly why but it’s happened before. The kids do something small and she tells him: See I told you they shouldn’t be allowed to watch this or do that as it’s spoiling them. She’s constantly undermining me etc.. She is very overbearing and controlling. I’ve always made excuses but this really hurt me. What she did felt like what a ‘mean girl’ would do.

I know she knows what she did because in the evening she called and kept asking if I was okay. I said why wouldn’t I be. It’s like she wants attention or to upset me. My dad and I are fine. He came round and we had a talk. I was always a people pleaser and I feel like I have found my voice but every time I explain to her how she likes to take over with the kids etc it falls on death ears. She promises not to do it again but continues to do it. I know if I ask her why she didn’t tell me he was there or say: here speak to your dad yourself she would just say she didn’t think of doing that. I’ve lost all trust in her. She doesn’t have my back and points all my faults to my dad. I’m an only child so I haven’t got anyone else to talk to about this. My husband said I don’t need permission from my dad to go away. Dad has agreed to book the tickets since then. I feel like she did it on purpose but I guess I’ll never know for sure. It’s my fault for saying anything to her I know but I still feel hurt. It feels like she’s trying to ruin our relationships with my dad on purpose. Sorry for the long essay!

OP posts:
Takeoutyourhen · 14/03/2025 09:43

It’s control and she enjoyed it.
Go on holiday, without her!

KrisAkabusi · 14/03/2025 09:57

I can't really see why it's your mum that you're pissed off with here, and not your dad. It's he's doing the controlling, he's preventing you and your mother from doing things, but "you're fine with him".

notatinydancer · 14/03/2025 10:00

I would have just booked my own tickets. Your mum can join you or not.

Gliblet · 14/03/2025 10:09

Your mum is in a marriage with a controlling man. She chooses to deal with this by seeking his approval - that's why she 'reports back' to him. By checking in with him, letting him book your flights, you're doing the same thing. You find it easier to confront her than him, but he's the one causing the problems.

Why do you need your dad's approval/permission?

Why is he the one booking the tickets?

Why do you feel it's important to say the same things to your dad that you would to your mum but 'in a gentler way?'

dairydebris · 14/03/2025 10:16

Your Dad is the real problem here. He's controlling your mum. Your mum has had to put up with it for years, her strategies to do so are what is annoying you so much.

It's understandable that you are angry with your mum about this, she has failed to stick up for you and herself, but I really do feel for her.

I think some of your anger should be pointed towards your Dad.

MellowPinkDeer · 14/03/2025 10:18

Why can't you just organise stuff yourself? why is your dad still in charge of your life?

Do whatt YOU want to do and others can do the same!

melonalone · 14/03/2025 10:20

3 things:

1 - you say you’re an adult woman in your thirties with kids etc so your dad can’t dictate to you - so why was he in charge of booking your ticket? If you were booking your own none of this would have happened

2 - your mum is a meddler! Assume they’re always on loudspeaker. I personally wouldn’t be bringing her on the holiday, you’ll have a much nicer time without her.

3 - “death ears” made me laugh

Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:22

Takeoutyourhen · 14/03/2025 09:43

It’s control and she enjoyed it.
Go on holiday, without her!

I am very tempted to! That’s what my husband suggested as well but I know she wants to see her family too and is very keen on going.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 14/03/2025 10:25

Book your own flights and send her the info. If she wants to come she can book her own.

honeylulu · 14/03/2025 10:25

Obviously you know your parents and the people on this thread don't, but the way I read it was that your dad is controlling and tries to stop your mum going on holiday because he doesn't want to. Your mum was disappointed but won't confront him so the speakerphone thing was so that you could "have a go" at him for her and hopefully strong arm him into changing his mind. And it worked so ...

It's a bit manipulative of her but she's clearly cowed by him and after so many years she isn't going to start standing up for herself now. As you say she likes to "keep him on side" because presumably she gets a peaceful life (of sorts) that way.

I'm glad you are still going on the holiday. Is your mum going or not? In future I think I'd make plans without her so you can step back from this sort of dynamic.

Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:25

KrisAkabusi · 14/03/2025 09:57

I can't really see why it's your mum that you're pissed off with here, and not your dad. It's he's doing the controlling, he's preventing you and your mother from doing things, but "you're fine with him".

I guess I was initially angry with both. I feel like my dad likes to be in charge and my mum manipulates but when I raise an issue with my dad most of the time he changes his behaviour but mum doesn’t…

OP posts:
Takeoutyourhen · 14/03/2025 10:26

Was there any reason given why your dad suggested it wasn’t the right time to go? Had your mum actually put him up to it and sat back and watched this drama unfold?
However, what Honeylulu above said could also be right. Only you know what they are like really.

Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:33

Gliblet · 14/03/2025 10:09

Your mum is in a marriage with a controlling man. She chooses to deal with this by seeking his approval - that's why she 'reports back' to him. By checking in with him, letting him book your flights, you're doing the same thing. You find it easier to confront her than him, but he's the one causing the problems.

Why do you need your dad's approval/permission?

Why is he the one booking the tickets?

Why do you feel it's important to say the same things to your dad that you would to your mum but 'in a gentler way?'

I guess I didn’t see it like that as his behaviour doesn’t normally affect me and the kids. He sometimes comes to help out and is very good with the kids and letting them have fun and strangely doesn’t want to control them. Let’s them play on the trampoline etc.. when mum is here she wants to control everything. From what they watch to how they jump on the trampoline to no playing with the ball in the house, no running in the hallway etc… she had a free childhood and was running free but I feel she doesn’t let my kids do that. So in terms of how they treat me and the kids dad usually is very good and if I ask him not to do something he listens. My mum doesn’t listen to anything. She is very assertive with me and in front of me tells my dad what to do all the time. Run to the shop to get this, go again to get that… literally micro manages him! But with big trips she gets anxious, he gets anxious as he doesn’t like flying so then convinced her not to go. It’s like she controls him in the small day to day things and he makes the big decisions on the big things..

OP posts:
Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:34

dairydebris · 14/03/2025 10:16

Your Dad is the real problem here. He's controlling your mum. Your mum has had to put up with it for years, her strategies to do so are what is annoying you so much.

It's understandable that you are angry with your mum about this, she has failed to stick up for you and herself, but I really do feel for her.

I think some of your anger should be pointed towards your Dad.

Yes I was angry with both. Both didn’t say anything for about 15 minutes. Like it was some kind of test.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:36

MellowPinkDeer · 14/03/2025 10:18

Why can't you just organise stuff yourself? why is your dad still in charge of your life?

Do whatt YOU want to do and others can do the same!

I should’ve and I offered originally. Mum then said he always books the tickets and he knows how to find the best deals and add on luggage etc.. I’m a busy mum of 5 that doesn’t get any sleep so I thought that’s a good idea. He could book for all of us and I’ll transfer him the money. He is semi retired and has more time.

OP posts:
couchparsnip · 14/03/2025 10:38

I would be annoyed with both of them but your mum is obviously pandering to your dad.
Did she feel like she couldn't tell you he was listening? He could have been there gesturing not to tell you until he had heard what you had to say.

Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:40

melonalone · 14/03/2025 10:20

3 things:

1 - you say you’re an adult woman in your thirties with kids etc so your dad can’t dictate to you - so why was he in charge of booking your ticket? If you were booking your own none of this would have happened

2 - your mum is a meddler! Assume they’re always on loudspeaker. I personally wouldn’t be bringing her on the holiday, you’ll have a much nicer time without her.

3 - “death ears” made me laugh

  1. I think because he normally does it and I’m so busy with the kids. He doesn’t mind as he’s go the time.
  2. I’m sad as we were getting on so well and then she does that and it left me feeling let down. I will assume that someone will always be there to listen to what I’m saying. I really can’t trust her anymore.
  3. Ah I was trying to type as I was dealing with my 2 youngest children! I can’t believe I wrote it like that. It might be symbolic of the death of the relationship!
OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/03/2025 10:42

@AnaMRT you dont need your mum to go with you. you can travel with the kids. she can do what she wants. apart from her being controling, you seem to be quite needy of her too!

BrightOrangeDahlias · 14/03/2025 10:43

Honestly, just book the tickets yourself. It's not rocket science, it sounds like your parents' MO is to undermine your confidence and infantilise you. Book the tickets, tell them the dates and say they're welcome to join you or not, but you're going either way. You don't need to be confrontational about it, but take back control of the situation.

Snorlaxo · 14/03/2025 10:44

But with big trips she gets anxious, he gets anxious as he doesn’t like flying so then convinced her not to go.

Are you sure that your dad said “don’t go “ because your mum was getting into an anxious state and would calm down if she wasn’t going ?

Next time go to your country on your own and book your own tickets. Your mum clearly likes the drama and booking tickets etc is another thing for her to control. You’re a grown woman with no time for playing her games any more so take back what little control you can have.

Your problem isn’t the speakerphone. She likes testing you and your dad by creating drama imo and you fell into her trap with your justified rant rather than ask to speak to your dad in the first place.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2025 10:45

AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:22

I am very tempted to! That’s what my husband suggested as well but I know she wants to see her family too and is very keen on going.

Show quote history

That's her problem as she's shot herself in the foot here

Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:46

honeylulu · 14/03/2025 10:25

Obviously you know your parents and the people on this thread don't, but the way I read it was that your dad is controlling and tries to stop your mum going on holiday because he doesn't want to. Your mum was disappointed but won't confront him so the speakerphone thing was so that you could "have a go" at him for her and hopefully strong arm him into changing his mind. And it worked so ...

It's a bit manipulative of her but she's clearly cowed by him and after so many years she isn't going to start standing up for herself now. As you say she likes to "keep him on side" because presumably she gets a peaceful life (of sorts) that way.

I'm glad you are still going on the holiday. Is your mum going or not? In future I think I'd make plans without her so you can step back from this sort of dynamic.

That’s an interesting take.. yes it could be that. We are still going on holiday together. She will be busy with her sisters while there and I’ll be spending time with my cousins so it should be fine.

OP posts:
FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/03/2025 10:46

You know she always uses her phone on speaker, this wasn't something unusual
So you should always be wary of who might be listening in and around when talking to her over the phone and be careful not to slag someone off over it

You also called both of them controlling but have only "made up" with your dad. Which is possibly what he wants, to alienate your mother even more

Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 10:56

They sound like a toxic couple!

I think you should take a huge step back and have far less contact. If you do have contact, put them on a strict information diet.

Original poster
AnaMRT · 14/03/2025 10:57

Takeoutyourhen · 14/03/2025 10:26

Was there any reason given why your dad suggested it wasn’t the right time to go? Had your mum actually put him up to it and sat back and watched this drama unfold?
However, what Honeylulu above said could also be right. Only you know what they are like really.

I’m not sure why he said it’s not the right time. My guess would be that we will be travelling closer to a country that is currently being attacked by another. However, I’ve heard him say that even before that when we were planning on going. It could be his anxiety talking. Both parents are anxious people and I suspect both are suffering from depression.

OP posts: