To think DD is never going to sleep through …

[allwoundup]

Logically I know she will, at some point anyway but … she’s 20 months now and I’m so so over being up for hours every night.

I know co sleeping is pushed on here but it doesn’t work for us. She just stays awake and thrashes around.

Sleep is very erratic, there’s no predictability at all to it. Some nights she wakes before I go to bed at about 9. Some nights (like tonight) she sleeps until 2/3 then it takes a good hour to two hours to resettle her. Some nights she goes straight back to sleep but wakes two or three times (or more.) Very, very occasionally, maybe once every two months, she will randomly sleep through and I’m walking on cloud nine the next day and then I’m brought back down to earth as there’s another crap night.

I have actually tried sleep training her using gradual retreat; it didn’t work. It did for her brother who was actually a much worse sleeper.

We have a solid routine, she doesn’t nap for too long, she eats quite well.

She has now been awake an hour I’m up for work at 6.

@allwoundup I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. We had it for 3 years. My youngest daughter never slept through for that length of time. I remember taking her to the doctors at one point and telling him something was wrong with her. He told me she was perfect so I then told him there was something wrong with me. It's an awful time and sleep deprivation is horrible especially when you've to get up and go to work. It does end so take hope in that.

I spent the money to see Andrea Grace and it was so worth it. I’m sorry , it’s a really hard phase

She sounds exactly like my DD1, who finally started to sleep through consistently at just after 2 (although even now at almost 4 she usually wakes up once for a quick cuddle). My DD2 is also the same, but only 16 months hso very much in the trenches with it, but at least I know from experience there’s light at the end of the tunnel. It’s awful, but it does end (eventually!)

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to post for solidarity. I could have written your post with my DD1. Jesus. She's 3.5 now and been sleeping through for a year more or less. I have no advice because I tried EVERYTHING I could realistically do and nothing had an consistent impact. She was just like that. I listened to audiobooks on headphones at night to try and save my sanity and stop my bad thoughts spiralling (during feeds, rocking, patting, whatever was needed). DC2 is still in the 4 month sleep regression at 6 months so trying to mentally prepare myself for more of the same. Wishing you all the best, I hope you get some relief soon.

She sounds like my nearly 20 month old too OP she has slept through once in her life when I of course woke up because I was worried she hadn’t woken up!
my elder daughter started sleeping through just before her second birthday so I’m hoping some magic happens for my younger daughter too.
My daughter constantly has some kind of illness that doesn’t help the situation. I’m also wondering if she is a mouth breather even when she’s not congested, but she has been congested since October so I’m going to assess this and when she is eventually not ill.

Huge sympathy for you. I have been there many a time. My daughter is now 2y3m and has slept through most nights in the last month. It will happen for you, I promise.

I know you don't want advice, but I'll just tell you that my daughter's sleep improved loads (as in, no more being awake from 3am to 6am) when I dropped her nap at about 22 months. She will still sometimes fall asleep in her pushchair and I'll let her have 10-20 mins, but that's it.

Your useless DH is your answer to getting more sleep. Let him do bedtime for a week and wake ups and see what happens. Actually leave the house while bedtime happens and make sure DD sees you leave. He’ll soon stop getting flustered if given no other options.

Other things to try.. when DD wakes in the night is everything in her room the same as when she went to sleep? So is the same level of music/noise on? Is the light level the same? Was there a parent in the room that is no longer there? The confusion that something is different is often what turns a quick wake up into a long one.

Thank. I do think she’ll get there eventually; she’ll probably drop the nap in the next six to twelve months and I agree that makes a significant difference!

I can get it into perspective in the day but in the night I can’t somehow, it makes me so upset and frustrated.

It sounds like this is a dh problem. He's not pulling his weight.

Does he help at all at night? If not, I think to break the pattern, night wakings should be entirely his responsibility for a couple of weeks. If you're the lighter sleeper, sleep elsewhere if needed (maybe even go away for the night) have him physically closest to DC so they can wake him not you. He's got in a pattern of ignoring it and leaving you to it, that's what needs to stop.

So sorry, my second DC was (and still is) a bad sleeper. She's 5 now & she will at least lie quietly with Yoto stories on during wake ups but even so she often ends up in with me as she won't settle. She co sleeps fine without bothering me now but when she was 1 I'd have to hold her on my chest for hours every night.

It does affect your mental health so much. I remember one morning, being up from 4am, when DH got up at 6 I got in the car & drove off, I was desperate & honestly it crossed my mind to do something stupid to myself. That was the point I sought help from HV, they found me a sleep consultant & it did improve from there.

Hang on in there.

My eldest did not sleep much, even as a newborn but 18 months she was on 10 hours max at night and no more than a 30 minute doze if I was lucky in the daytime. Her dsis was the opposite still napping when she went to school BUT by 2 year old (often coslept until then) she consistently slept in her own proper bed (hated the cot and screamed so got her a toddler bed at 15 months) through the night having settled after many books. Her sister went to sleep in her bed but was coming into my room until age 6

20-24 months was a particularly rough phase. Mine was nursing on and off all night till 3.5 years and then suddenly slept through the night ever since.

Can I ask how long she is napping for too? I think that a full sleep cycle is 45 mins at this age so ideally you want her napping for 1.5 hours. If it’s less she maybe overtired.

I think you need to persevere with him doing the nights. He will get better at it if he realises you aren't going to step in. You will get better at sleeping through the noise as you get used to it not being your problem. And get him to take the children out if you're having a lie in. He needs to step up. Otherwise you will be resentful and your relationship will probably never recover.

As you know there's no magic answer regarding how well your child sleeps, doubtless they will get there in the end but here is a solution that your husband has the power to give you, of 8 hours every other night! Starting tonight! (Or he could do 20 months straight to make up for lost time!)

Honestly I think her day routine is perfect. Naps between 1130-12 to 130-2 for bed at 7-730. This is kind of why I’m not really seeking advice. I think she’s just waking out of habit but it’s how to actually deal with breaking that habit without resorting to CIO, which I may have to do but if I do I need to plan it carefully and not just go into her out of frustration. Either that or wait for things to improve on their own.

I would limit the nap to 90 minutes and see if it helps.

It doesn’t. Please stop giving me advice.

Cool.

So I would work towards one of two things: figure out why she wakes around 3/4, is she thirsty? Is that when she comes in to light sleep. Then I would work towards getting her to just lie in bed TILL she falls asleep or again (or not). I think if someone put on music say at 3 am I would never fall back asleep. So this might be linked to HOW she falls asleep, and how she/you are trying to get her back to sleep at an hour when your patience is at its lowest, understandably, so you are throwing everything at it. Mine went through a stage of singing for an hour at 4:30 am but wasn't yelling so I switched off the monitor (I could still hear him and he could come and get me), and went back to sleep. He would usually, having exhausted his nursery rhyme repertoire, fall back to sleep around 5:30...and yes, it was horrible but at least I wasn't getting up/out of bed.

@PotolKimchi jeez. She doesn’t. This is why I’m not looking for advice. I started the thread fed up in the middle of the night and I’ve said over and over there is no pattern or consistency to her wakings. I know I sound irritable but it is frustrating because it’s like people think if you just follow a magic solution she’ll sleep through and she doesn’t. Last week she slept through. Once. The next day you can do everything identically and she wakes three times. No rhyme or reason to any of it.

I’ve been there with the poor sleep. It’s a 2 person job unless you want one of you to be losing your mind with tiredness. Stop enabling your husband to opt out of this. You don’t have to be a martyr.

It's so tough OP isn't it! My daughter is 3.5 yrs and still doesn't sleep through, is up at least 2-3 times a night. Tried all sorts. She doesn't nap now but it didn't make a difference anyway.

My partner and I take turns on who is on 'night shift' so at least one of us gets a better nights sleep and then we switch the next night. We both work long hours so it's tough. It's actually one of the reasons we won't have more children.

I think some people just have slower sleep needs than others? I could sleep for England I reckon!

I know the OP bit my head off but I was trying to say @allwoundup that I know she doesn’t lie in bed quietly but maybe that’s the goal you nudge her towards rather than the sleeping through the night (and when she does it’s a bonus). I am well aware there is no magic solution having had two bad sleepers but what helped me was working towards a goal that wasn’t sleeping through, but something smaller that made the lack of sleep bearable.

(With child 1 it was falling asleep on his own, which was a small victory and then I could deal with the endless wake ups and with child 2 it was staying in bed when he got up at an godawful hour and like yours there was no rhyme or rhythm to it). There is a lot of pressure on sleeping through the night. But personally and it may not be the same for you, working towards smaller goals to make life a tiny bit bearable seemed more realistic.

If you're near a premier inn, book some cheap rooms and let your DH deal with it... Or invest in some Excellent ear plugs, eye mask and white noise machine so you can sleep through. It sounds like you're letting him off the hook big time. It takes practice but you will learn to be less alert at night and him more if he knows he's on duty.