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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

because my Mum bathed my DS when I specifically asked her not to?

52 replies

Myfairone · 12/05/2008 21:42

Have been back at work 2 weeks and have been leaving my DS with my Mum. I am so grateful to her for having him and feel relieved that he is with someone that I know loves him and will take good care of him.

When I picked him up tonight he was in his pyjamas with wet hair. I asked why and she said she had bathed him. I have asked her not to because bathing him is part of my routine with him....do I sound selfish?

I like to be the one to bath him so that he is then ready for his bottle and a nice cuddle before bed.

Tonight he was so ready for his bottle (because he had been bathed already) that I got no time with him at all. He was whiney,miserable and tired and I only got 10 minutes with him before I had to put him in his cot.

I feel really annoyed and angry and miserable. Am I being unreasonable? I dont want to hurt her feelings because not only is she doing me a huge favour, Im really grateful to her....but I dont want her to bathe him.....

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
lilyloo · 12/05/2008 21:44

tough one a working mums guilt not enough hours in the day.
Was he particularly tired today ? By the sounds of it he was ready for bed maybe if mum had left him he would have had a melt down anyway ?

LyraSilvertongue · 12/05/2008 21:44

YANBU. I fully expected to say YABU before reading the op. It's your only time with him and it's unfair of your mother to rob you of it.
How many days do you work?

MamaG · 12/05/2008 21:45

I think you need to nip it in the bud TBH. ITs always more difficult in a way when your Mum looks after your LO (mine did, with DD) - she tried to help where I didn't wnat her to (similar things) and I ended feeling upset.

I talked to her and told her tha I knew it was a bit silly, but I REALLY want to bath DD myself as its part of my nighttime cuddle time etc and she understood.

YANBU

MaeWest · 12/05/2008 21:46

He may have been particularly tired, but I can understand how you feel about missing htis time with DS.

LuckySalem · 12/05/2008 21:46

agree with mamaG - if its your routine, explain that to your mum, i'm sure she'll understand.

beckystaffs · 12/05/2008 21:47

yanbu as you want that time with him but if he was "whiney,miserable and tired" then would you have been able to bath him anyway.
ps my mum would have commented something a long the lines of he can't go out with wet hair- catch his death etc.
try to see it from her point aswell- she was trying to make life easier after your day at work.
ps i know going back to work is hard ((((((hugs))))))))

Cammelia · 12/05/2008 21:47

Yes, tell her how you feel, but tell her gently because she really believes she is doing it help you.

PosieParker · 12/05/2008 21:47

I would gently ask that she not do it again and then every now and agin ask her if she would like to, it is then up to you but she doesn't miss out. Perhaps tell her your were really sad about it and not angry, she may be the mother of an adult but she'll still have motherly guilt!!

SmoothandWilkie · 12/05/2008 21:48

YABU

Maybe he was tired and she thought she was doing you a favour? If she did it EVERY night then yes, you could be p*ssed off but if this is the first time in 2 weeks do you not think that maybe you are being a touch unreasonable??

Original poster
Myfairone · 12/05/2008 21:54

yes maybe i am being unreasonable and Im sure she was only trying to help. she did say that she bathed him because she wanted to and she knows he enjoys a bath.

I dont know, maybe Im just tired and miserable. im finding returning to work really tough and i miss him so much during the day. i feel kind of resentful that she bathed him because its my only fun with him when im working....oh sod it, im crying again now....

thanks for all the input ladies..

another day tomorrow!

OP posts:
lilyloo · 12/05/2008 21:58

going back to work is so hard , maybe mention to your mum, if she has done it just because she wants too then that's not fair but he did sound as if he was very tired.
Can you not agree mum does it one night and you do the rest.
I am sure she probably has no idea how you feel and thought she was helping.

AbbeyA · 12/05/2008 21:59

She probably bathed him because he was tired, miserable and whiney-if he had been wide awake and playful she wouldn't have needed to. You need to tell her that the reason you don't want her to is because it is your special time-she probably didn't realise. Not everyone sees it this way-I loved bath time and did it every night as part of the routine, but there was a thread very recently where people see it as a chore and do it only when necessary.

morningpaper · 12/05/2008 22:00

Oh going back to work is TOUGH

Poor you

PosieParker · 12/05/2008 22:00

Read the threads about SAHM v WOHM, and I think (even though I stay home) that it's worth working in the end!! Shhh, don;t let on that I said that...just between us!!

MamaG · 12/05/2008 22:00

Myfair don't cry! I felt exactly the same as you, you will still feel raw about going bacvk to work.

TAlk to your mum, but in a non-confrontational way

SNoraWotzThat · 12/05/2008 22:01

Hard one - You know I have a MIL that will do things that annoy me - after many years I have learnt that is is better all round to have someone willing to step in and do what they think might be best, rather than someone who is not willing to do anything because I might get upset.

My MIL will do anything I ask and more because I have never said "don't". And my mother, is lovely, but will not to attempt to help (or think on her feet) incase I say don't.

Will she feel deeply hurt, will she every again try to help, will she only do things on her terms in the future. Its a tough one.

Original poster
Myfairone · 12/05/2008 22:01

okay now ive read some of your posts i can see that maybe she thought she was doing me a favour. thanks ladies...i knew i was over reacting to this.

ive had a tough day at work and have cried buckets tonight because my time with him was robbed. an over reaction me thinks!

abbey, i like you have always enjoyed the nightly routine. its how we start out wind down to bed time and i love it. im sure she didnt realise (Even though ive told her a million times!)....

will try and tell her tomorrow that i like to bathe him and how its part of our routine...will have to try and be gentle about it because i really dont want to hurt her feelings.

OP posts:
SNoraWotzThat · 12/05/2008 22:02

Sorry you started crying when I was tying.

Don't be sad. Its hard. I have been there.

morningpaper · 12/05/2008 22:02

Sometimes my DD's need an early night, and I have to bath and dinner them early so DH doesn't get so much time with them

QuintessentialShadows · 12/05/2008 22:03

Dont you think he would have been as tired without having a bath first? If she has a bath with him, is there something else you can do to wind down to bedtime? A book and a cuddle? Some singing?

Original poster
Myfairone · 12/05/2008 22:06

i seem to cry a lot lately and have never been like that. just feel so tired, worn out and emotionally drained from returning to work. i know that sounds dramatic but i just feel like i cant cope with it all.

ds has always gone to bed at 7.15 after his bath and bottle. now i get home from work at 6.45 it doesnt leave me much time. bath time is the only time we share when i get in and its hard to accept that she did that with him and left me with a tired baby who just wanted bottle and bed.

thanks for understading ladies, its nice to know im not alone in this!

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 12/05/2008 22:07

She was probably trying to help you, save you a job, and calm down a tired DS. However, YANBU, because bath time is a special time for you and DS now you're back at work. Still, don't be too hard on your Mum, she was trying to help you. And don't be too hard on yourself. TBH, the bath time is probably as much for you as for him (am a working Mum so understand the guilt bit) His bath with Gran will have bought you extra story/snuggle time so enjoy it, and use any left over time for YOU - you deserve it. Just say to her that unless there is a really good reason (like, he is so tired and inconsolable that bath time is the only answer) that you would prefer to bath him because it's your special time. Don't alienate her and don't beat yourself up, sounds like you have a lovely arrangement and it needs to work for all of you.

spicemonster · 12/05/2008 22:08

It's really hard going back to work isn't it? I think if your mum was doing this every day, you should be annoyed but today, when it was so hot and your DS was getting fractious? I think you are a bit although I totally understand why you are upset.

My mum looks after my DS one day a week and sometimes she does stuff with him that I think is 'mine' as his mum. But then I remember that she's his grandmother, she gives him great care (and love!) and that however much he loves her, he loves me more.

Having your mum look after him is soooo much better than childcare that I think the odd transgression is well worth it.

purpleduck · 12/05/2008 22:11

I think she is doing you a favor but its not only your fun, but part of his bedtime routine as well.

However, maybe she did it because he was very hot today...?

lilolilmanchester · 12/05/2008 22:11

listen to Spicemonster, her post is spot on

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