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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

because my Mum bathed my DS when I specifically asked her not to?

52 replies

Myfairone · 12/05/2008 21:42

Have been back at work 2 weeks and have been leaving my DS with my Mum. I am so grateful to her for having him and feel relieved that he is with someone that I know loves him and will take good care of him.

When I picked him up tonight he was in his pyjamas with wet hair. I asked why and she said she had bathed him. I have asked her not to because bathing him is part of my routine with him....do I sound selfish?

I like to be the one to bath him so that he is then ready for his bottle and a nice cuddle before bed.

Tonight he was so ready for his bottle (because he had been bathed already) that I got no time with him at all. He was whiney,miserable and tired and I only got 10 minutes with him before I had to put him in his cot.

I feel really annoyed and angry and miserable. Am I being unreasonable? I dont want to hurt her feelings because not only is she doing me a huge favour, Im really grateful to her....but I dont want her to bathe him.....

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Original poster

Myfairone · 12/05/2008 22:12

you're right lilo, the bathtime is for me really. its just so hard to only see him when he's tired. he really enjoys his bathtime and loves to splash around.when bathtime is over he is instantly tired and ready for bed. i just feel that tonight i missed out on seeing him have fun.

im tired and being unreasonable...im going to gently remind her tomorrow that i enjoy bathtimes and would prefer her to allow me to do them....

either that or my DS will have to have two baths every night!!!!! (joke...im really not that selfish!!!)

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anniemac · 12/05/2008 22:12

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Original poster

Myfairone · 12/05/2008 22:15

spicemonster....i think you have hit the nail on the head for sure. i really have been feeling like he loves her more now (god, i hate how pathetic im sounding right now).

i have to keep reminding myself thats all in my mind but i really feel like he doesnt need me anymore

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AbbeyA · 12/05/2008 22:17

I should tell her how you feel and that you had a cry-as your Mum she should be understanding. I was very lucky and was a sahm, if I had had had to work I think that I would have been in tears a lot. From her point of view it would have made sense, it was hot, he was tired and she was saving you a job.I am sure that you can point out how important it is to you without upsetting her.

Original poster

Myfairone · 12/05/2008 22:18

thanks anniemac...i can totally relate to the crying part! i am feeling so many mixed emotions i feel like they are out of control. i gave up breastfeeding 4 weeks ago and this is adding to my emotional feelings.

i have spent a ton of time jsut watching him sleep tonight...feel like the feelings i have are wrong but now understand its okay to feel the way i do...thanks so much everyone, i feel more normal now after all your responses.

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anniemac · 12/05/2008 22:22

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spicemonster · 12/05/2008 22:24

You're not weird at all to worry about him loving her more! When I go and visit my mum, my DS cries and holds his arms out to her and I absolutely hate it. But at the same time, when I come home from work, he holds his arms out to me. I have recently realised he enjoys the attention

Facetiousness aside, it is very hard and you would be a bit odd if you didn't find it so IMO. It does get easier though, I promise. Seven months on, I'm delighted my DS adores my mum - means I can go out without feeling at all guilty!

lackaDAISYcal · 12/05/2008 22:24

oh poor you, I wemt back to work when my DS wa two and that was soooooo hard as we only had a short time together every day before he was off to bed.

would it be financially possible or workload possible to cut your hours? even an hour a day so you are getting home a bit earlier and can spend that time with him, and have a chance that he will still be perky enough to share some quality time?

I really feel for you, but if it's any consolation, it does get easier when you get into a routine.

another idea, could you talk to your mum as suggested, but maybe agree one day a week where she gets him ready for bed so you get your time, and she gets to feel she is helping out too?

YouNeverKnow · 12/05/2008 22:27

sounds like he was ready for it imo but can understand why you are upset. i would explain that to your mum though

Original poster

Myfairone · 12/05/2008 22:28

oh annie, that was so beautifully put. thank you. that is exactly how i have been feeling. for the past 9 months i have felt like has been mine and mine alone. since giving up breastfeeding and returning to work i have felt like he doesn't need me as much. it hurts to feel that.

you are right...i love to think that his emotional needs will always be met by me.

this whole motherhood thing isn't easy is it? i never knew i could be this emotional! have never felt half the feelings i feel now.

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anniemac · 12/05/2008 22:28

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anniemac · 12/05/2008 22:35

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Lyra75 · 12/05/2008 22:41

Sounds like a tough day - I found going back to work (3 months ago when DS was 6 months old) really tough, but it does get a bit easier (though I still have v wobbly days). I'd definitely try playing about with routines as well - and get your mum on board with this. They change their pattern so much all the time anyway, that you might be able to work some flexibility into your routine so you get more time together. When I work a long day on Fridays and don't get back till 7, DH tries (not always successfully!) to get DS to have a wee micro nap about 4, he then runs the whole evening routine on a bit later so that DS is ready for a story and feed with me when I get home (usually he's off to sleep by 6.45). Maybe asking your mum for help with this would be a good way to let her know just how important this evening time is to you, but also give her a role in the process.

anniemac · 12/05/2008 22:46

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Lyra75 · 12/05/2008 22:48

Absolutely agree on the co-sleeping - it is so nice at the end of the day. Feel like we get time together even if he's asleep during it!

anniemac · 12/05/2008 22:51

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LyraSilvertongue · 12/05/2008 23:59

Grrr.

Janni · 13/05/2008 00:04

I'm sure if you explain it properly to your mum and describe what happened when you got home this evening she will understand.

However, part of me feels that YABU because I would have KILLED to have this kind of support with my babies

oldnewmummy · 13/05/2008 05:52

I can understand why you're upset, but it sounds like your mum was only trying to help.

Could you kill two birds with one stone? Get her to give him a bath during the day to settle him for one of his naps. Hopefully he'll then sleep a bit longer and you can keep him up a bit later at night (and aso give him another bath then).

And agree about the co-sleeping, it's fab.

2sugarsagain · 13/05/2008 05:59

I think that since you've only been back 2 weeks, you're naturally feeling a bit sensitive. Blimey, I know of someone whose mum used to pay someone to come and bath their children. Give it a bit longer and you'll be on the 'phone BEGGING for her to bath him! XXXX

kitsmummy · 13/05/2008 06:41

I understand how you feel, but it may have been a one-off and, if your dd enjoys it anyway, there's nothing to stop you giving her another bath is there?!

Original poster

Myfairone · 13/05/2008 16:45

hi ladies,
Im having a much calmer day today. I lost sleep over it last night but came to the conclusion that I was being unreasonable and she was only trying to help.

After such a bad day at work (being told that anyone who returns to work after maternity leave is pretty much useless!!!!) I felt totally deflated when the one thing I had been looking forward to all day had already been done.

I told my Mum that I was upset last night and she said she understood. I haven't mentioned the bath but I think it may have been a one off.

THank you all so much for all your help and for the wonderful support. You make me feel normal! wooohoooo!

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Cammelia · 13/05/2008 22:36

Holly29 · 14/05/2008 10:51

I know that I'm getting in a bit late here, but TOTALLY sympathise. I went back to work 3 weeks ago, leaving my baby in the care of a totally fab nanny. A week ago she bathed him (which like you is my job) and she was totally right to do so - (he was really tired and hadn't slept properly at lunchtime) but I cried and cried after she left and felt really left out. You sound like you are better today which is great. Just trust me, your son loves you just as much and no one will ever ever be more important to him than you. Take care. xx

PS you sound like a wonderful Mum!

bamboostalks · 14/05/2008 12:15

LyraSilver,

Don't get the "Grr". What is that for?

Maintaining closeness?

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