To take new man to late DH's favourite place?

[Holidayfix]

Well it was our favourite place, we went there several times a year before DC and at least once a year for family holidays with DC, but DH introduced me to it as it had been special from his childhood. A beautiful place in UK where we hiked and did other outdoor stuff.

I thought I'd never go back without him and I haven't yet.

I also thought I'd probably stay single forever, but that's changed too and I find myself all wrapped up with a lovely man who's keen to share my interests. He's not a hiker but knows I love it and wants to go with me.

We could of course hike somewhere else , but I find myself excited to show him all my/our favourite spots. He probably thinks it's precious becuase of family holidays more than for us as a couple, but it's both. I have been hiking elsewhere alone since DH died.

If it makes a difference, this wouldn't be our first or only holiday together, an "extra" short break.

So, disrespectful to take him where all my special times with DH were? Or just too plain difficult once I get there?

And then there's this, that I know is unreasonable. Should I offer him all DH's old gear? I suspect he won't want it, but it will cost £££ to kit him out properly and I have all this stuff going to waste. But if he does take it, I'll be away with new man, wearing DH clothes in DH's special place...

Taking him there isn’t disrespectful. But you haven’t been back yourself and this is for first break with this guy, so personally I wouldn’t put him in DHs gear and take him there, I’d pick somewhere new with new guy and maybe save this sentimental trip for later down the line. This is a lot to put in a first trip and risks harming your memories there if it doesn’t work out with the new guy

No, it's not our first trip together, we've had several weekends away and 2 longer holidays

I agree about the clothes though.

The only people who can tell you if that would be inappropriate are you, your new chap, and possibly any children or close relatives who might be spectacularly freaked out by bumping into him dressed in your late DH's clothes. Are you able to be honest with him about how hard you might find it once you get there, and is he able to be supportive and sympathetic if you walk all the way there and then have to walk back in silence? And are you able to do that without ending up blaming him for how you feel in that moment?

Life goes on, OP. Only you know how your new partner will feel about this. If it’s going to depress you to revisit , don’t go, no point in weeping over the old in front of the new. If the memories will be happy and give you happiness you can share, that would be great.

Personally, I’d ease into it. Go hiking, but not there. Maybe offer him walking sticks or rucksacks ( as you can see this is not my specialist subject) but the second hand clothes would be weird.

I think he would be fine if I had a wobble. He was lovely when I was struggling around DH's birthday, cancelled plans to be with me at the same time as allowing me space if I wanted it.

I think you’re setting both of you up for failure a bit. If he doesn’t love the place as much as you hoped, I’d doesn’t respond in the same way your DH used to to all your favourite bits - likely, being that he’s not even really into hiking - you’re very possibly going to find that upsetting or dismissive of somewhere that’s special to you. It stands to damage how you feel about him, over something he has no control over.

I think it will feel awkward and emotional when you get there. Part of the reason it was special was because it was with dh. Also, will the kids feel you’re replacing their dad by going to this place.

Can you make new memories with this man elsewhere, and maybe further down the line revisit this place. Not when it’s still a new relationship.

i don’t think it’s disrespectful, as such ‘(no one owns a place) but maybe too soon.

The "kids" now adults are actually quite keen to come with us if I'm paying which has surprised me.

I'm a massive believer in life going on, but I think I'd go back either alone, or with your children first. You don't know what memories it might trigger, and it could be very emotionally confusing.

Looking back is so important for grief, but this relationship might be about moving forwards, if that makes sense?

How longs it been op?

4 years

Why don't you offer them the hiking gear?

OK, so I think it might be OK in terms of in the eyes of others BUT he can kit himself out fairly cheaply AND does he know why the place is special?

If your going to take him, then you news to be honest with him.

How long have you been with new man?

You want to take him for his first hike, to you and your late husbands favourite hiking spot, a spot you haven’t been to since your husband passed away, and you want this guy to wear your husbands clothes.

Yeah, that’s wierd.

They don't need it, they've had their pick of the best bits

Yes, I said I realise the gear is weird. It's a shame to waste it but I'll have to find another home for it.

Well that's a bit grey, I've known him just over a year, we've been "together" 6 months.

I am being honest with him.

After 6 months I’d absolutely go somewhere else with him, its too much pressure on a new relationship.

Can you visit your DHs place with just your kids?

Honestly, OP, I would say to the kids 'do you think it's weird if I offer X Dad's hiking gear' make it clear you're not sure yourself either and their opinion will totally be respected. If they're for it, then say to DP 'this might be weird, we're not sure, but no offence taken either way-there's DH's gear here, you can have it if you want it, or do you think I should donate it?'

Holiday idea would be way too much emotional pressure for you and v tricky to navigate for him (pardon the pun). If you go to the lovely place would go alone with your DC.

Clothes idea inappropriate. Offer to your DC, give away or keep it if you prefer.

Hiking gear for nice, beginner hikes is cheap anyway.

I think it's nice. Your DH will always be special to you and your new partner will have to embrace that and make room for him. Sharing something that was important to you both is a way of recognising that but also acknowledging that things have changed. If it feels right then do it!

I would not give your late DH gear to someone you've only known a year.

It has special memories attached to it. What if he were to lose it or break it? Or you break up and never get it back?

I think you sound very pragmatic, OP, and are possibly not someone who attaches a whole lot of sentimentality to places or objects? Which is fine! There’s a lot of projection going on on the thread about how you might feel when you get to this special place, or what it would be like to see your new man in your husband’s gear, but only you can know if these feelings are actually likely to occur, and if you don’t feel that’s an issue for you - as the tone of your posts suggests - then crack on. Life is a long, messy, beautiful ride, and there’s nothing disrespectful about continuing to enjoy it even after the loss of your beloved husband.

Why not just – go somewhere else?

Hmmm. I’m thinking how I’d feel in your partner’s position. I honestly don’t think I’d be totally comfortable going somewhere that was your and your husband’s special place (especially as he thinks it’s more your family’s special place), that’s so redolent with memories, and then being offered his clothes to wear as well.

I know your question is if it’s disrespectful to your husband, but I think it’s maybe a little off with regards to your partner. It’s lovely that he’s so supportive when you struggle on anniversaries (as he should be!), but taking him on a tour of places that primarily are about memories of you and your husband is quite a step on from that. I agree with the other posters that maybe your first time back there should be solo, or with your children, so you can process your feelings.