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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy I’m dating only has gay friends & has the needs to mention it a lot. Weird?

52 replies

Jtfrtj · 13/03/2025 18:09

As the title says, it’s has come to light that the guy I’ve been on a few dates with ONLY has gay friends, (no straight male friends) and what makes me more so uncomfortable, that he appears to almost brag about it. Maybe I’m not explaining it properly, but it’s almost as if he thinks this raises his credibility and he almost uses their status for his own image?. I feel like this second point is the bigger issue.

The first/second dates he’d mention the following in conversation.

”I have this friend, Jane, she’s a lesbian. We met when some lads were picking on her and she was been chastised for her sexuality. I told them to do one. She has a hard time generally because she’s quite overweight too and she’s woke judge her on her appearance, but I see past that”
(I felt he was been minorly smug while saying this, and his attitude about her was condescending)

“I’ve asked my neighbour to take in a parcel, she’s a lesbian so I’ll pick that up from her tomorrow”

“My best friend Darren, who’s gay btw, is going to London”

“My friend and his boyfriend want to open a cafe”
(The way he said “boyfriend” was as if he was making a point of that and wanted me to take notice)

Fast forward to today, we had our 3rd date this afternoon.

He said all of his friends are from the LGBTQ community, and that he doesn’t like straight men because they’re “dickheads”.
I responded “Well, aren’t you a straight man?”
He said “Yes but I’m different that way I’m comfortable with my sexuality”

He is adamant he is 100% straight, never had any previous intimacy with men. Only ever been with women.

I don’t think it’s odd for a straight man to have gay friends, but I do think it’s odd to alienate your own demographic and label them all as “Dickheads” while only seeking out another community to have friendships within.

I’m a bit weirded out by today’s conversation and not sure I want to see him again.

Is this weird?

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 18:11

He sounds like he's virtue signalling. Is he vegan?

AdeptRobin · 13/03/2025 18:12

Trust yourself more. You know it’s weird, and you don’t want to see him again. Rightfully so. You don’t need permission from anyone here, or validation for how you feel. Move on

Jtfrtj · 13/03/2025 18:13

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 18:11

He sounds like he's virtue signalling. Is he vegan?

He’s not vegan.

Do you mean he’s hinting he might be gay himself? This did cross my mind, but then I thought if he was and he was he was trying to hide this, or not ready to come out, he’s doing a horrible job at hiding it! Why would he bring so much attention to to the topic if he was

OP posts:
DrummingMousWife · 13/03/2025 18:14

Oh god. I would move on. He sounds like he has some kind of saviour complex. Gay people don’t need saving. 🙄

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/03/2025 18:21

Most straight men have gay friends for thé normal friendship reasons : met at school/ Uni, play a sport together, go to the same gigs….and that is what they would highlight about them. ‘My best friend Darren , who plays scum half in the team’ for example.

Why would he think you would be interested in some bloke’s sexuality rather than some more relevant information? Here’s a hint: it’s because that is the MOST relevant thing about them. 😏

Don’t be a beard.

yeesh · 13/03/2025 18:24

He sounds like a nob tbh

Jtfrtj · 13/03/2025 18:26

“Don’t be a beard” 😂

I saw photos of him with his friends today. The dynamic between them even looked odd in pictures, he is a very blokey man’s man. Not in the slightest bit feminine (I know not all gay men are feminine, but his friends are).

It all feels so strange and out of place

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2025 18:27

You find him condescending and don’t like him, so it’s irrelevant who his friends are surely? Just move on

Treeleaf11 · 13/03/2025 18:30

Reminds me of an episode of The IT Crowd

ginasevern · 13/03/2025 18:34

Yes, it sounds as though he's virtue signalling or maybe confused about his own sexuality? Why would you make a point of telling someone about your friends' sexual orientation unless it was relevant to the conversation. Either way, it makes you uncomfortable so move on.

Fluffyholeysocks · 13/03/2025 18:35

Ask yourself how many times you refer to your friends/neighbours/work mates sexuality when talking about them? Why does he feel the need to refer to it?

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 13/03/2025 18:35

I bet he doesn't like you having straight male friends and would try to impose his own 'values' on you.

Ablushingcrow · 13/03/2025 18:37

Treeleaf11 · 13/03/2025 18:30

Reminds me of an episode of The IT Crowd

So you think op might look a bit like a man? 😁

RightWhoWantsABoiledEgg · 13/03/2025 18:41

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Createausername1970 · 13/03/2025 18:43

I know there is no such thing as "normal" but, I mean, that's not normal!

I would see it as a major problem to be honest. If all straight men are dickheads then that's a big chunk of your friends and family he has just written off.

And as others have said, he is making a "look at me" announcement, it's all about him.

Run for the hills.

FOJN · 13/03/2025 18:46

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 18:11

He sounds like he's virtue signalling. Is he vegan?

Bet he describes himself as a feminist too.

Normal people don't feel the need to reference the sexual orientation of people they know if they happen to come up in conversation. It's weird.

Trust your gut and don't see him again.

Jalapenosplease · 13/03/2025 18:50

I'd find that weird if I'm honest. The fact that all of his friends are from a community that he is not part of.

He either is part of the community and looking for a beard. or he's being a total knob about virtue signalling.

The fact that he's got mentionitis of their sexuality when it's nothing to do with the reference of his dealings with them (such as collecting a parcel!?) reminds me of something off little Britain/the office.

He's being sooooo pro-gay he's almost gone full circle into homophobia!!

Sounds a bit ....odd. I'd probably bin him for his oddness never mind his sexuality

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 18:53

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Touch a nerve dear?

RightWhoWantsABoiledEgg · 13/03/2025 19:25

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 18:53

Touch a nerve dear?

Oh no, rumbled! How clever of you. Seriously though, I hope things improve for you soon.

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 19:27

RightWhoWantsABoiledEgg · 13/03/2025 19:25

Oh no, rumbled! How clever of you. Seriously though, I hope things improve for you soon.

Things with me are fabulous dear. Thanks for checking in.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2025 19:28

Bet he describes himself as a feminist too.

If he does that RUN!!!

They are always closet misogynists. No exceptions.

HermioneWeasley · 13/03/2025 19:29

Treeleaf11 · 13/03/2025 18:30

Reminds me of an episode of The IT Crowd

I had exactly the same thought

RightWhoWantsABoiledEgg · 13/03/2025 19:32

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 19:27

Things with me are fabulous dear. Thanks for checking in.

I know that. Of course I do. You’ve clearly got a lot going on…but still…big hugs etc.

sidebirds · 13/03/2025 19:36

Possibly bisexual as opposed to an invert? Who would filter people out on the grounds of being straight.

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 19:54

RightWhoWantsABoiledEgg · 13/03/2025 19:32

I know that. Of course I do. You’ve clearly got a lot going on…but still…big hugs etc.

Again, many thanks. You keep sending that love.😘