To want 9s not 7s for my child in their GCSEs?

[ZeldaFighter]

Child is a model student and no problems with behaviour or attendance. Definitely seems intelligent and diligently completes homework, often without prompting.

Report is 6s and 7s. Husband is pleased and says they're As and Bs. He thinks only kids in private schools doing extended papers get 9s.

I got As, Bs and Cs many years ago but I always strived for As. AIBU to think they should be getting 9s or at least striving for them?

Hi OP, my comment wasn't aimed at you, I'm sorry I didn't make that clear. Someone else was referring to your son as lazy and there was a whole conversation around that which I was responding to.

I totally understand that pressure is trying to do the best for children with multiple and varied needs. My ill child is actually my least challenging! I have many more worries about my other one, who I had to take out of school.

I think with your son maybe have a chat with him, does he feel he is pushing himself as hard as he could? And look into resources if he needs them, especially on the keywords they need to get those high grades because it's all about knowing how to pass the exam rather than actually understanding the subject. BUT I think year 10 is early to worry - year 11 is when you need to step it all up a gear.

Ultimately though he will be absolutely fine with those grades, and they can always resit! This isn't the only opportunity to take exams, learning can be lifelong. That's something I've had to hold onto regarding my ill child, because we can only do our best in the circumstances we are in at the moment.

You sound like a very loving mum and I'm sure your children will all do well in their own way.

He is doing extra work though! He doesn't sound lazy to me. I do get what you're saying but I think we push children too hard, if he's getting 7s now he can easily step up the effort nearer the exams and get higher grades, they don't need to work at full pelt for two solid years, especially if they are bright.

Ffs OP
Your child is willingly studying - which suggests they enjoy it. Are you trying to make them feel bad. I really despair over parents like you who see that their kids are doing well, but think it's not good enough.

Are you hoping your child will learn to hate studying? Or maybe you can push them so hard, their mental health will suffer. Maybe you'll push so hard that your relationship with her will be damaged.
Like I said- I despair

If they're displaying they're capable of 9s and coasting at 7s I can understand wanting them to put some effort in.

If they're displaying they're capable of 7s and you want them to be getting 9s because of your ego or experience with pressure in your own childhood of course you'd be unreasonable.

Kids should be encouraged to strive to meet their potential, to work hard, to give themselves options but never pressured to exceed it.

Their future involves emotional safety, mental health alongside good grades. And your kids are getting good grades

YABU and slightly unhinged. Your child is doing well, there’s no ‘should’ about it. You will cause your child MH issues if you continue acting neurotic about grades.

Of course children get 9s in state schools, however not all of them can, just the same as in private; don’t focus so much on grades as long as your child is working hard and more importantly, they are HAPPY!

How about you get your eldest privately tested for dyslexia instead of continuing to call them lazy and letting them struggle.

stop seeing your middle child’s work and achievements as not enough.

And maybe ask yourself if your children are actually happy as that’s what’s really important in life. They could leave school with the top marks possible but if they’ve had a stressful, miserable upbringing because you put so much pressure on them and nothing they did was ever good enough, those achievements mean nothing because they’ll go on to be insecure unhappy adults.

Focus more on spending time with your children not talking about school and grades. Have fun with them.

Also you say your middle child doesn’t need your help because they do everything themselves. Have you ever hear the saying “Just because someone makes what they’re carrying look easy doesn’t mean the load isn’t heavy.”

Your poor middle child probably feels they have to be overly self sufficient as you have a “lazy” older child and a younger child with extra needs so they don’t want to add extra burden.

He is doing hardly any work.

Lots of kids from state schools get 9s. My DD got 11 A*s (Wales use the letter grades) because she worked really hard (she is clever but not exceptional). She put herself under so much pressure that she became extremely ill. YABU to put pressure on your daughter.

It is possible to get 9s in state school. But please don’t diminish your child’s achievements. She’s working hard and will get fantastic grades by the sound of it as long as she keeps up all her hard work. The worst thing you can do to a child who is doing their best already is pile on the pressure and make them feel they’re not good enough.

It’s not unusual that a kid in Year 10 isn’t achieving 9’s, if they are currently working at a 7, the way to improve that will be to add more detail, more facts, more advanced language in English etc, and hopefully start scoring those 8’s and 9’s by the end of this academic year/start of Year 11. They are graded on the GCSE scale from the start, and are expected to achieve certain grades in certain Years, with 8 or 9 being the ultimate goal by Yr11. What is your son’s predicted grade? This should be more indicative than what he’s currently getting.

An hour every other night is not working hard by any definition.

Just as long as they get the grades they need to move on to A Levels or whatever further education they are aiming for, that's all they need. Once they are at the next stage, their GCSE results will be irrelevant and forgotten for ever more

It’s pretty much whst my year 10 did. She probably does an hour a night now in year 11 and probably 2 on a Saturday and 3 on a Sunday

it is his March of Year 10

No-one cares much about GCSEs six months later. 7s are As.

Total nonsense and a terrible attitude to instil in teens.

So is pushing them to work all hours to for a small benefit of one grade up rather than letting them find their natural rhythm in life

hiw old are yiur teens

Why have you not had your eldest child assessed for Dyslexia? Have you considered the pact you are having on him by not getting him assessed? He has missed out on help, extra time, adaptive devices etc.. calling him lazy is so unfair- maybe he has trouble processing things and comes across as lazy. You should get an ed psych report for him. Although a bit late for exam concessions now.

Sounds like they are doing brilliantly.
Let the school and your DC take care of the academics, and you take care of DC’s wellbeing and MH.
Support with pride and encouragement, but no pressure.
Support with making sure they take breaks to have fun, and keeping them well fed and hydrated.
Support with lots of love, hugs and ‘well done’s.

And above all else, don’t transmit your issues of anxiety and competitiveness onto them!!

I disagree. They do all day at school then he's doing extra afterwards too.

This is so insane. I got mediocre grades all through my life and am now doing much better in my career than my straight A Oxbridge husband. My incredibly competitive career to get into by the way.

Please don't pressure them, I still remember my mum's reaction to me not getting As, 31 years ago. They're just a way to get to the next step - not getting all high grades didn't affect my career, but it did affect how I think about my mum

If their teachers believes they are capable of 9s, then yes, you are reasonable. If teacher says 9s might be a stretch, then back off a bit. Maybe push for 8s.

Isn’t this about teaching children themselves to take in healthy levels of responsibility for themselves in aiming high?

It is possible to have high expectations of yourself or for your child, without that becoming a pressure cooker.

There is balance and nuance that n everything. It doesn’t have to be zero interest and aspiration or pressure cooker hot-house leading to mental break down.

The most effective teen learners are those who have a resilient mindset to learning and who are willing to push themselves but have balance in their lives. Too often parents are fearful of any kinds of encouragement Tipping’s their kid over the edge. This leads to typical low effort teen behaviour being accepted through fear by parents of saying anything and the teens themselves then see it as normal and have no sense anything else maybe possible or positive.

Healthy teens learn to hear advice from parents and teachers. They can weigh it and choose to act upon it. Hearing this stuff is part of growing up, even if it’s sometimes uncomfortable.

We do the kids no favours to never be willing to have the tricky conversations - because then as later teens and young adults it will all be new to them and they can still act like toddlers in response to any suggestions.

But this healthy mindset needs to start well before teen years. Being encouraged to aim to do your best whilst also being able to cope with failures and not being top has to be learned gradually through a young age and parents need to model it too. You can’t suddenly launch this in the GCSE year.

The reference to extended (vs core) probably comes from Cambridge IGCSE, where in maths and science subjects there are core and extended options.

No one has suggested working all hours. There is a healthy balance to be had that involves working hard while also leaving plenty of time for hobbies and relaxation.

My DC are various ages and did more than an hour “every other night” in year 7; it is not working hard for a year 10 student.