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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this man in my house?

61 replies

MonkeyTennis34 · 12/03/2025 15:38

My SIL (DH's sister) disclosed to me and DH last year that her boyfriend of 7 years had been verbally abusing her for 2 years and had made her feel physically unsafe on a few occasions. It was a huge shock to us. She was distraught and we obviously told her to end the relationship.

Directly after her disclosure, she had time away from him but soon took him back.

They do not have children together and do not own a property together.

Just before Christmas, SIL came to see me, upset about her relationship, although she didn't mention any abuse. It was more about how she felt unvalued and how she felt the bf was depressed but that he refused to seek help.

They are still together now, nearly a year on. She told me recently that she's happy now and he's making an effort but I still can't unhear what she told us - he had repeatedly called her a "fucking ugly cunt" amongst other insults and had thrown things at her.

We sometimes have family gatherings to which he was obviously invited to in the past but I still don't feel comfortable welcoming someone capable of that kind of behaviour into our house.

AIBU to not allow him in our house or should I move on as she has?

I should add that we still see SIL on her own.

OP posts:
craigth162 · 12/03/2025 15:40

Nope wouldn't be welcome in my house.

Bluenotgreen · 12/03/2025 15:41

YANBU

IdaGlossop · 12/03/2025 15:42

Your house, your rules, OP. Does DH agree with you? If he does, he needs to talk to his sister. If he doesn't, there's more talking to be done.

Iwannakeepondancing · 12/03/2025 15:43

Ahh this is so hard!
You need to tell her that given what she’s told you, you feel uncomfortable. She shouldn’t have divulged that information to you if she wasn’t going to finish it!

Summerhillsquare · 12/03/2025 15:43

Not at all, but not if it drives her away too. She may need you when it comes to the crunch. It's good for both of them of course to see your husband modelling normal male behaviour, assuming he's a decent sort.

Ponoka7 · 12/03/2025 15:45

I don't believe in isolating victims of abuse, so unless she will come without him, I'd invite them both.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 12/03/2025 15:46

Well you’re not being unreasonable to not want him in your house, but if you refuse to have him in your house the effect of that will not be that she sees the light and gets rid of him, it will be that she becomes increasingly alienated from her family and less able to come to you for support to get away from her abuser. Abusers alienate their victims from their families. It’s a very common tactic. I totally understand not wanting him in your house, but you need to consider what the long term consequences of that will be.

Crunchymum · 12/03/2025 15:51

My concern would be if you exclude him will he start manipulating her into missing family events and / or will he take out any perceived grievance on her?

You don't have to like him but I'd tread very carefully here! You want your SIL to feel comfortable confiding in you and you don't want to isolate her so she further aligns with this man.

Endofyear · 12/03/2025 16:08

I wouldn't ban him from the house, for fear that this will isolate SIL from her family. You don't have to be anything more than polite. What does your DH think?

ConnieHeart · 12/03/2025 16:18

I wouldn't ban him. If he finds out she's invited but not him it could make things worse for her. I think your OH or you should talk to her to see what is best for her

OrangeAndFizz · 12/03/2025 16:19

In OP's place I would not have this man in my home again.

This is because if SiL leaves him, she will know that there is one place she will be safe from him.

Also, should he start bullying SiL when they are in the OP's home he will be hard to get rid of. I have seen this done.

ThatSchoolOfficeLady · 12/03/2025 16:24

I'd have him over and then be quite clear in the way I interacted with him that I know what he is.

Redpeach · 12/03/2025 16:27

Yes, keep enemies closer etc

JohnTheRevelator · 12/03/2025 16:42

Good grief. No he would not be welcome in my house.

Mumofteenandtween · 12/03/2025 16:46

Surely the solution is that you invite him over (to avoid alienating your SIL) and then spit in his dinner.

Original poster
MonkeyTennis34 · 12/03/2025 16:58

Ponoka7 · 12/03/2025 15:45

I don't believe in isolating victims of abuse, so unless she will come without him, I'd invite them both.

She will come without him and did so at Christmas.

I've repeatedly told her that we're here for her to listen, help, have her stay, whatever she needs.

Despite her knowing how we feel about her bf, she has continued to confide in me.

DH also does not want him in our house.

OP posts:
Original poster
MonkeyTennis34 · 12/03/2025 16:58

Mumofteenandtween · 12/03/2025 16:46

Surely the solution is that you invite him over (to avoid alienating your SIL) and then spit in his dinner.

That sounds very tempting.

OP posts:
TeaNtoast25 · 12/03/2025 16:59

Don’t ban him from your house, he may assume she has told you and go mad at her, keep her close, if she cannot tell you about the abuse she is experiencing who can she tell? Abusers love for the abused to be isolated

Original poster
MonkeyTennis34 · 12/03/2025 17:00

TeaNtoast25 · 12/03/2025 16:59

Don’t ban him from your house, he may assume she has told you and go mad at her, keep her close, if she cannot tell you about the abuse she is experiencing who can she tell? Abusers love for the abused to be isolated

He knows she has told us.

OP posts:
Anxietystrikesagainyay · 12/03/2025 17:01

Whilst I understand and agree, all it would do is exclude SIL. He will be cross with her for telling you which makes her too uncomfortable to attend and then she’s isolated. Her isolated would probably also ramp up the abuse. I’d just be civil with him as it’s her choice to stay with him.

Ohisitjustme · 12/03/2025 17:03

A friend was in this situation though it was infidelity rather than verbal abuse. Her DH said they would not have the man in their house and his sister no longer speaks to him (her brother, not her cheating man). She has since married the cheater and had more DC with him. Refuses any relationship with her brother which affects the whole family.

purpleme12 · 12/03/2025 17:08

Mmm actually if she's still with him and wants to bring him then yes I would have him in my house.

And I would be cordial, for HER sake. She's obviously not going to leave him yet.

CraneBeak · 12/03/2025 17:09

I've been your SIL. DO NOT ban him from the house. It's tempting but you need to keep her close and by banning him you'll only drive her to isolate herself from you and not reveal any future problems.

DoYouReally · 12/03/2025 23:36

Banning him will only drive her further away....it's probably what he wants and then she ends up isolated completely.

Lavender14 · 12/03/2025 23:46

Urgh what a Prince of a man.

Tbh op I'd really struggle to socialise with him too BUT domestic abuse thrives on isolation. If you stop inviting him and then he starts to pick up on it he could start to make it harder for her to go out on her own and therefore become more isolated. So I'd invite her out individually and him from time to time as well and I'd also invite him to things you know he won't want to do where he's invited but not likely to attend. I wouldn't be putting her in a position where she might be unsafe because she's told you what he's been doing. Hopefully she gets the means and strength to leave him eventually, you want your door to be open to her when that time comes.