To not want this man in my house?

[MonkeyTennis34]

My SIL (DH's sister) disclosed to me and DH last year that her boyfriend of 7 years had been verbally abusing her for 2 years and had made her feel physically unsafe on a few occasions. It was a huge shock to us. She was distraught and we obviously told her to end the relationship.

Directly after her disclosure, she had time away from him but soon took him back.

They do not have children together and do not own a property together.

Just before Christmas, SIL came to see me, upset about her relationship, although she didn't mention any abuse. It was more about how she felt unvalued and how she felt the bf was depressed but that he refused to seek help.

They are still together now, nearly a year on. She told me recently that she's happy now and he's making an effort but I still can't unhear what she told us - he had repeatedly called her a "fucking ugly cunt" amongst other insults and had thrown things at her.

We sometimes have family gatherings to which he was obviously invited to in the past but I still don't feel comfortable welcoming someone capable of that kind of behaviour into our house.

AIBU to not allow him in our house or should I move on as she has?

I should add that we still see SIL on her own.

I'd be surprised if he wanted to go to your house, given that you know what he's truly like.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

YANBU for feeling like this.

However.

I can't imagine he'd be too pleased at her
going out alone to visit family who've shunned him. Then to keep the peace she's likely to refuse invitations.

So if you ban him you'll be isolating your SIL from close family, cutting her off from her brother's and your support.

You'll deprive her of your good example of how a relationship should be - so she's less able to see things clearly.

You'll make her more dependent on him because she'll feel lonely and bereft of her own family, so she'll turn more to him and blindfold herself about his bad qualities, him at least being the one who's still around.

Not banning him will help you both stay close with her. Keep asking, listening, make it a safe space for her to confide. Then you and DH can offer practical support she'd be more likely to accept.

The trend of enabling abusive men needs to stop. Christmas dinners with them while everyone pretends he didn’t beat the shit out of our sisters or daughters is absurd.

Abusive men abuse families as well. Families are expected to suck up their toxic company to prevent their relative becoming isolated. Abusive men rely heavily on the fear of isolation to boldly abuse then sit comfortably in their parents house while nobody says a word. No wonder they feel so powerful.

What does it tell these abusers when we welcome them into our homes knowing they’ve abused our relatives? What does it say to the victims? How bad can the abuse be if our families still include them and chat to them.

If you still see sil on her own why on earth would you invite him?

Sometimes better to keep your enemies close, don't risk isolating your SIL.

Dont see how this helps her, and I presume your DH has a say and is entilted to his own opinion?

I agree with your viewpoint. If my daughter had this kind of relationship and was still with the abusive partner, much as I would hate it, I would still include him in family gatherings rather than risk not seeing my daughter. I would bite my tongue and put up with his presence in order to continue having a relationship.

Don't accept him, she needs help/pressure/support to get away from him - anything you do to turn a blind eye will help him brainwash her into marriage and kids and then she'll never be rid of him.

I wouldn’t risk alienating her under circumstances. I wouldn’t host any family gatherings for now, see family members individually and prioritise her.

YANBU feeling that way, but why the need for imposing such a hard and fast rule which will only antagonise him and the situation for your SIL.
Let it play out and if he is ever abusive to SIL or anybody else in your presence then you can tell him yourself that you don’t appreciate his behaviour before walking away from him. He will then know he is unlikely to receive an invitation to your home.
If SIL is currently happy to be with him, you can’t do much to control the situation without making it worse for her. Just continue to love and support her as well as quietly letting her know she can turn/run to you for help any time she needs it.

I feel like this will totally isolate your SIL when it's clear she needs help. I would invite him to help her but would reduce communication with him as much as possible.

If you don't invite him it would put her in a very awkward position having to explain to him why and potentially
Mean she won't come around either reducing her support system should things take a turn again.

I’d personally let him in, as it annoys me when others do that. It’s her choice, I wouldn’t risk her never confiding in me again because of my actions. It’s the reason my adult son and I don’t tell my mum much these days, because of her actions.

This was my thought. If he is excluded that puts her at risk because he might guess why. It also might make her less likely to talk about stuff in the future. It’s also highly unlikely he will show his true colours in front of others but if he does you can then act robustly.

I would find it really hard to have him anywhere near me but I’d do it for her.

It’s DH choice though really.

Of it is a hard no then give her a heads up so she can then manage it safely.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

To be clear:

He knows that she has told us of the abuse.

We still see SIL on her own. I contact her regularly to check up on her.

Before the disclosure, we only ever saw him at rare family gatherings, maybe 2 or 3 times a year and we never socialised as a foursome.
TBH, we'd never warmed to him.

We saw him recently at a gathering SIL had organised at her house to remember her and DH's Dad who has passed away. It was very awkward but we wanted to be there for obvious reasons.

From what we've experienced so far, not inviting him doesn't drive her away.

likely he doesn't want to come anyhow. Keep it that way.

No, she should have divulged at anytime. I would hate to know someone who wanted to tell someone about abuse they were subjected to but didn't because they weren't yet feeling able to walk away. However, it does create issues once that information is out there - I would be wary that not letting him attend family events would mean that she wouldn't and further isolate her making her even less likely to feel able to leave

Just read updates

Have a listen to 'Femicide' radio 4 yesterday 11am. Available on BBC Sounds. Abuse is abuse however 'small' it seems and 'small' abuse easily escalates as you've sort of 'given permission' for it. Not that the sort of name calling described here is 'small abuse' either! Remember: 'the word is father to the deed.'

It’s not possible to support a victim of dv while their abuser is sat next to them on the couch. You can’t check in with them or ask them how they are anyway. Those conversations only happen in private. Everybody is contactable by phone and if an abuser is not allowing phone calls having him round for tea will not make him any less abusive.

Playing nice with an abuser is presented as being a strategy to prevent the victim becoming isolated. I think we need to question where that advice has come from and who it really benefits. Some posters have said that they would watch for any abusive behaviour and challenge it. In reality not many of us would do that knowing he’s going to take it out on our relative later.

Abusive men usually hate our families anyway and often use some imagined slight to later berate us to our relative.

Families can see their relative without inviting their abuser along. A spa day, a shopping trip. There are endless opportunities for contact that naturally exclude partners. Victims often have cognitive dissonance and i am sure things like this contribute. On one hand we tell them what’s happening is terrible and they should leave. On the other we invite them to our homes and make them welcome.

The problem is, next tine it happens (which is will) she will not tell you. I would rather have him in the house where I can keep an eye on him, than lose her. There are plenty of activities that you can do with her (and without him) - work on that as an option.

I totally agree. There is a conspiracy of silence going on here and his abuse of your SIL should not be left in the shadows especially as she has confided in you. If gives strength to her abuser as no one says anything!!! You don’t want him in your home? Don’t have him and make it clear the reasons as to why.

I wouldn't ban him because I'd want to see how he's behaving these days and how your SIL seems with him, in case intervention or support is needed.

Abusers don’t need to isolate and control their victims if that control is given willingly. The presence of an abuser prevents real conversations from happening and reduces meaningful conversations to small talk. Often a victim does not realise how controlling he is until he openly tries to prevent her seeing her family, which he never will if he is welcome. The sooner an abuser reveals the extent of his control the better.

good, keep doing what you’re doing. Be there for her, be consistent with reminding her that she’s worth more, that if they spilt up she will thrive and have nobody dragging her down or making her feel like shit.

basically you’re doing everything right

you can tell her that you’re there for her forever, but that he does have to go at some point. When she’s ready. But he has to go.