To not want this man in my house?

[MonkeyTennis34]

My SIL (DH's sister) disclosed to me and DH last year that her boyfriend of 7 years had been verbally abusing her for 2 years and had made her feel physically unsafe on a few occasions. It was a huge shock to us. She was distraught and we obviously told her to end the relationship.

Directly after her disclosure, she had time away from him but soon took him back.

They do not have children together and do not own a property together.

Just before Christmas, SIL came to see me, upset about her relationship, although she didn't mention any abuse. It was more about how she felt unvalued and how she felt the bf was depressed but that he refused to seek help.

They are still together now, nearly a year on. She told me recently that she's happy now and he's making an effort but I still can't unhear what she told us - he had repeatedly called her a "fucking ugly cunt" amongst other insults and had thrown things at her.

We sometimes have family gatherings to which he was obviously invited to in the past but I still don't feel comfortable welcoming someone capable of that kind of behaviour into our house.

AIBU to not allow him in our house or should I move on as she has?

I should add that we still see SIL on her own.

If he knows you know, then tbh, I would bring it up in front of him. How are you SIL? All good? Not a fucking stupid cunt today or whatever disgusting terms your dp has for you this week?

you know abusers always throw at you what they think of themselves, don’t you? And abusers are fundamentally cowards, they bully out of weakness not power.

fuck him, be open about his unacceptable behaviour

How is it "enabling" his abuse to have him there. Is the sister enabling the abuse by having resumed the relationship?

Sometimes you have to tolerate a twat for the sake of the greater good, ie maintaining a sibling relationship.

You're entitled to not have him at yours but it's the likely repurcussions... Him at her about it, and isolating you meaning more abuse for her potentially.. it's a tough one. Better to keep your friends close and enemies closer perhaps 🤷

There's a book called 'Helping Her Get Free' by Susan Brewster which is a really useful guide for family and friends of people who are in abusive relationships.

I think it’s pretending that it isn’t or hasn’t happened and there emboldens the abuser. In effect he is not only abusing his partner but also controlling the wider family

Christmas dinners with him while everyone pretends he didn't beat the shit out of our sisters and daughters is absurd.

There is a conspiracy of silence here....his abuse should not be left in the shadows...Don't have him and make it clear as to the reasons why

I think these 2 posts have make a lot of sense with regard to my specific situation with my SIL and her bf/abuser.

It's definitely being swept under the carpet now, "he's making an effort".
Her own mother, said in defence of him, "No couple is perfect" which is almost laughable if it wasn't so appalling.

I know that we will continue to see her, we'll make sure of that.
If we allow him into our home, IMO that goes some way to helping to maintain the silence/acceptance.

Not an easy situation.

I fear you may have to having him in your house - even if you have to bite your lips/clench your fists in your pocket for the sake of supporting your SIL.

There may be a time when you do ban him, when you have to step up your support - but that's in the future whether it be next week, month or year.

I wouldn't have him in the house and I strongly disagree that that makes you in any way culpable for his actions if he tries to isolate her or stop her seeing you. Just make sure she knows you're there whenever she needs you.

I wouldn't have him in the house and I strongly disagree that that makes you in any way culpable for his actions if he tries to isolate her or stop her seeing you.

This.

This is why I question this strategy and where it came from. It puts the responsibility for any abuse or isolation on the family instead of the abuser and abusers know it. There is no evidence that an abuser is any less abusive when families welcome them and actually I wonder if abusers tend to increase their abuse once they know families passively accept it.

This is the way for us to go forward.

I wouldn't have him in my home under any circumstances.
He's abusive scum and I do not want that in my home.
I would continue to be there for SIL but tell her that you will not have him in your home, tjat he is not welcome.

I realise people call it isolating the victim but I would selfishly put myself first in MY home.

I wouldn't want someone like that near my space.
I believe in my home I get to choose who enters.
I wouldn't want his toxicity near my home.

You can support someone without having to pretend to their abuser that somehow they are socially acceptable to be in my company.