First time parents, lots of arguments

[CrazyFTM88]

We have a 7 month old baby. While everything was great in the beginning, we're just not getting along now. I feel constantly unappreciated, overworked and sleep deprived. If I hear "I was just about to do it" from him one more time, I'm going to scream. He feels like he can't do anything right and that I'm crazy and demanding and negative.

We had a massive row as I was unhappy he didn't give me a lie in this morning. He said he would but stayed in bed, didn't get up when baby woke up and let me listen to the baby babble and then whinge for 20 minutes. Just kept saying he'll do it in a minute. Obviously I was fully awake at this point. Bear in mind baby is a bit unsettled atm and I had to wake up 4 times last night and the night before while he had 2 full nights of sleep. All I asked for is a half an hour lie in. It's all I wanted.

We shouted, he told me I ruin everything, and I'm too negative and critical. After this row, I just felt all the love I have for him die. I don't even care about him anymore. I'm not even angry anymore. Just sad and confused.

I don't know if there is any way to salvage this.

You’re both exhausted. It gets better. Fighting isn’t going to solve anything though, so stop it.

Stop being moody with him. It's both of your fault that there is a crying baby in your house.

OK, guess I'll continue to do everything and shut up and let the relationship run its course then

I can't believe you're being called "moody" about this! He wouldn't give you a promised lie in when you'd been up multiple times in the night - he's the arsehole here.

However, I do agree that it's common to go through a rough patch when you have a baby and it's usually possible IME for you to find your way back to being a loving couple.

He needs to start stepping up though!

@Ferrazzuoli he was absolutely wonderful in the beginning, he did so much for me and baby in those first few months. But he's tired now. I get it, so am I. But I have no choice to carry on while he can decide to sleep in, have nights out etc. The resentment is really growing on my part and I agree that I am critical and negative. It feels like it's down to me to accept everything in order to save the relationship. He's made his position clear and that's that.

Edited to say I guess i am starting to be hard to be around. But then again I haven't had more than 3 hours of sleep in one block on 7 months so that will do it.

Are u sniffing glue? Wtf about this thought made u feel it was helpful to a knackered new mother that's struggling?

Op babies are exhausting. Been where you are and our relationship didn't last. However the early split meant that when our child was old enough to know where he was, we had sorted a routing and had 2 happier homes he thrived in

Good luck, and sleep when baby sleeps if possible.

I’m not sure what to advise. Having a baby really does show you how lazy/selfish some partners are. My ex was like this, and never changed.

Im afraid I don’t agree with the first two posters, but you are exhausted and sleep deprived so a solution will be impossible to see at the moment.

The usual advice would be to try and have a calm talk when you are both in a good place. In the meantime, perhaps try and keep things as calm as possible and don’t react too emotional (so he can’t come back and say you screamed at him). Be very fact based. Also in future if he says he’s going to get up with the baby, agree before hand how long he will let baby cry before getting up, or that he agrees to make sure that you don’t get woken up by the baby.

I found with my partner, he always took the easy/lazy way out when looking after his child ie couldn’t be bothered to give her breakfast or would give biscuits instead. When he does look after his own baby you have to work out what matters and doesn’t - otherwise they use the ‘you always tell me I’m not doing it right, as excuse to do less. So let it go if they don’t put the right clothes on (unless it’s seriously the wrong weather for how they are dressed).

It's so tough and you both sound exhausted. From what you've said it sounds like he needs to be a bit more considerate but it's also difficult to see it from each other's point of view when you're tired with a baby.

Are you both working, or is he? I only ask because it makes sense for you to do all the night wakings if he's at work while you're home. Will you have an opportunity to sit down and have a proper chat about it all while the baby sleeps? He could be feeling utterly fed up too and perhaps a serious chat is what's needed so he realises how you're feeling. DH and I found the first year so tough so you have my full sympathy (our baby didn't sleep much either!).

OP it doesn’t matter if he’s working or not it’s not up to you to do all the nights. You need sleep to do a full day with a 7 month old just like he does to go to work, he doesn’t have a monopoly on needing sleep. That he doesn’t understand that is frustrating.

I agree that a new baby plus sleep deprivation can lead to the best of relationships having their bad days but it sounds like this is a bit than that and there’s an unequal distribution of responsibility with you being the default parent. I’d have to have a calm but frank discussion about this if it were me because I’d not have coped if I had a partner who was like this.

This is rubbish! I would be annoyed too.

It’s such a hard one because I found that I had to stand my ground, not respond to the baby and tell my partner to take over. I know it’s hard, and sometimes our default as mums is to “do it anyway” - but is there anyway that you could just stay in bed until he picks up the baby and makes it a routine? And is there a way that you can both have a conversation so that you can explain how you are feeling - and understand from him why he thinks you’re being moody?

We’ve recently had a baby - and I think the only way our relationship has survived is humour and honesty. We have open conversations about the fact that I have changed - but then we think about what we will do in a years time when the baby is older and I feel less like the way I do now - which is quite a more serious version of myself and a little self conscious. And my partners cluelessness (or at least overplaying it because we are both clueless!) is something I’ve mentioned to him I try not to repeat though - but I also have to leave him to do - it’s hard to tell someone what to do - they’ve got to find their own way - for me that’s looked like leaving the house for a few hours or spending forever in the bath. And not changing the nappy until it annoys him so he can pick up his own cues for when to do things.

Have you told him that his laziness, attitude and your sleep deprivation are going to end the marriage if something doesn't change soon? That you can't stay with him, with things the way they are?

He needs to know he's ending it, if you REALLY feel that way.

Not a shouted statement, or a threat. Just the fact. Your marriage is on the brink of ending.

Because I've seen it too many times. Team effort is required, not nit picking or the mother becoming the boss of everything baby related.

Bullshit. The problem isn't the baby, it's the failure of one of the people involved to do their share.

So it's not both of their faults - only one of them is letting the other one do all the shitwork, and - bombshell - it's the man.

One thing I would suggest is making time for yourself and leaving baby with DH once or twice a week whilst you go out for a couple of hours. It’ll build his confidence up. It’s OK for him to not do things the same way as you, he is a new parent too.

He’s wrecked, you’re wrecked, he feels underappreciated, so do you. You’re both sleep deprived and trying to put one foot in front of the other, but the other keeps grabbing and saying’for gods sake help me!’ It does get easier, honestly!

So you'd be fine if you had to get up 4 times in the night to see to the baby while your partner had a full night's sleep and then refused to get up to allow you to have a lie in as they had promised?

The bar is really really low for men.

I just feel really sad for you OP. This is the third or fourth thread I’ve read in the last few days from people whose relationships are hanging in the balance after having a baby. At the risk of ruining brilliant relationships, it’s a wonder anyone has children these days.

I agree with a PP, try and take time for yourself, leave him with the baby for a bit, and don’t get territorial about how things are done. Be patient with each other. I know I’m going against the grain here, but having a baby is hard for both parents. It will get better. Hope it works out.

It's not fair to let a baby get nappy rash to prove a point...

I read somewhere to never make decisions about your marriage during the first year of having a baby. Its shit I'm sorry. He should have let you have a lie in and I don't think you are being moody.

It's not forever, and if you can maybe try to get away for the night just the two of you to have dinner/ get an uninterrupted night's sleep.

Sending you lots of love xx

DH and I argued so much in the first year. I was about to walk out the door with the baby twice. It got much better though. We both looked at how we can do better for each other. Some of the things we do is ask each other how we are now more than ever and listen. We also don’t discuss heavy topics at night, that is time to relax. We also don’t take out our irritation or anger out on the other one. Having a newborn and going through the first year can be rough, in my opinion.

This is good advice.

In a nut shell (and without going into the ins and outs of how/why the mother always seems to end up a chief carer) while you are around he'll take a back seat on the child care.

And by 'around' i mean in the house.

Get yourself out and about on a regular basis and leave him in charge.

It will do two things.
1 it will show him how much you do because you're not there to do it.
2 it will give you a break
and 3 actually it will give him the idea that he is a parent in his own right and not a 'back up' to you. A bit of confidence.

Oh please. Women are the default parent 99% of the time. I'm pretty sure OP, who was up 4 times with the baby, is pulling her weight.

As per it's another lazy ass man expecting his wife to do everything baby related because he's been at work. I bet he's managed time for a lie in or to relax and do a hobby 🙃

If men don't want to be bagged, then parent without being asked...

I know it doesn't help, op, but this is really common and is often compounded by one parent (usually mum) being on maternity leave and the other parent (usually dad) working a job. Each has different perceptions and expectations of the other, which often need working through calmly and openly - which is a challenge when you're likely both knackered from your respective responsibilities.

I well remember having to have a 'reset' conversation with dh around the same time, following an argument. He told me he was knackered from work and waking at night (I was breastfeeding, but he still woke up) and I told him I was knackered from doing all the night feeds and still being expected to pick up all the household chores. I tried to 'rest when baby rests' as everyone tells you, but the reality then is nothing gets done.

We resolved that we both needed a lie in, and so agreed that we would each have a lie in on one weekend day. I also told him that while I was able to do a lot more of the household stuff, that didn't mean he should/ could withdraw completely. It wasn't fair or desirable.

Communication with each other suffers really badly due to sleep deprivation and other stresses and strains related to having your first child. It sounds like you need a similar 'reset' conversation. Don't lose hope, it will get better.

Unfortunately some guys are great to begin with when its easy and they can hold the baby in their arms while they play on their phone but I feel like once the baby becomes at bit more aware/mobile then they start to help less because its harder.
While you're on maternity leave they tend to slip further from helping but if they balance isn't in place before you go back to work, then its even harder to rationally have the conversations to get back on track when you're both even more exhausted juggling work & baby.
His behaviour screams of laziness tbh, doing it on his own time, knowing that you'll eventually do it and he'll not have to bother. He's the one who'd rather have the argument than actually help! Because if he'd helped you wouldn't have been annoyed with him - but then he gets to turn it around on you and make out that you're being mean & difficult.
So frustrating, honestly, sorry I'm venting but seeing so many men like this is exhausting and infuriating. They're just lazy af and don't want to deal with the extra work a child brings long term, so they push it all onto the wife and act surprised when she's not thrilled.
Try writing down the child free time he gets vs you to try and really drill home the disparity. Not only that, if you use your child free time for chores, specify that as well, because I imagine he's not using his child free time for that purpose either.

Is he back at work? If so and you're on maternity leave then I think you have to suck it up and nap with the baby.