First time parents, lots of arguments

[CrazyFTM88]

We have a 7 month old baby. While everything was great in the beginning, we're just not getting along now. I feel constantly unappreciated, overworked and sleep deprived. If I hear "I was just about to do it" from him one more time, I'm going to scream. He feels like he can't do anything right and that I'm crazy and demanding and negative.

We had a massive row as I was unhappy he didn't give me a lie in this morning. He said he would but stayed in bed, didn't get up when baby woke up and let me listen to the baby babble and then whinge for 20 minutes. Just kept saying he'll do it in a minute. Obviously I was fully awake at this point. Bear in mind baby is a bit unsettled atm and I had to wake up 4 times last night and the night before while he had 2 full nights of sleep. All I asked for is a half an hour lie in. It's all I wanted.

We shouted, he told me I ruin everything, and I'm too negative and critical. After this row, I just felt all the love I have for him die. I don't even care about him anymore. I'm not even angry anymore. Just sad and confused.

I don't know if there is any way to salvage this.

Hi OP, first of all- having a baby can be fucking exhausting and it does change your relationship, you both have to learn to work as a team and communication is so so important.

Our daughter is nearly 11 months old now and although I would never say we have a perfect relationship (does anyone?) some things we’ve done from day one which I do think have really helped us to stay as a team and not end up in me vs you arguments (which is easily done when tired and overstimulated) are:

• No complaining about being tired because that only leads to competitive tiredness. We are both tired, we both know we are both tired, there is nothing to be gained from arguing about who is MORE tired. We both are.
• No competing for who has it harder- being the one at home with a baby all day is hard work, being the one who goes out to work all day and then comes home to baby is also hard work, it doesn’t have to be a competition, you’re both allowed to have bad days.
• Try and give each other equal amounts of “free” time, that may not end up being much most days but wherever possible try and split it. So my husband will watch our daughter while I have a bath, then I’ll put her to bed while he watches TV/showers whatever, we both get that little bit of free time whenever we can.
• WORK AS A TEAM wherever possible. Again, not always doable where one is at work, but wherever you can work as a team. If I feed our daughter, my husband does the dishes, if I run the bath for her, he gets her things sorted for after the bath. One of us gets her dressed in the morning while the other packs the bag for the day. One of us cooks and the other one cleans. It’s not always possible for it to be 50/50 but the effort makes a big difference.
• Communicate, openly, constantly, clearly. It is so so easy to snap at your partner when you’re overstimulated, overtired, been up all night with the baby, but actually all that comes of that is an argument which makes both of you feel like shit.

Sorry but you can't change or control him. Stop cooking, shopping and doing his washing. If you have a joint account pay a cleaner with it. I know it's difficult but honestly nagging and complaining doesn't work. Don't deny your baby a relationship with Dh just because he doesn't comply. Look for another way. Divorce is messy and expensive and single parenthood is no easier. Box clever. Tbf you may be a bit depressed but too.

I think that if you're on maternity leave you should take care of the night time feeds and mornings with the baby during the week. I know how utterly exhausting it is to look after the baby, but I do remember that at least I could stay in my pyjamas, sit on the sofa snuggling the baby and get occasional naps when the baby slept. MY DH had to get up early, go to work and use his brain all day. Like me, he simply couldn't do his job if he's sleep deprived.
Your DH should absolutely help out in the evenings and at weekends. He should absolutely give you a break because you need it. You should get time to yourself at weekends.
I personally see nothing wrong with him going out and seeing friends. Parents deserve to have fun too! Life can't always be two stressed and exhausted parents stuck in the house like it's a prison. But you also need time to see your friends. You should have evenings out too. If it's only him enjoying himself and having a break from family life then you'll grow resentful. It needs to be fair.

I just wanted to add that it's very, very normal for parents of a baby to argue a lot and resent each other. It does get easier.

@SallyWD @Unpaidviewer But I DO do the night wakings, so what is the point of your post? Also, he was not working today. I asked for a lie in between 7.00 and 7.30 am. I didn't ask him to do the night wakings, I asked for some appreciation by letting me catch up on sleep for 30 minutes.

Ok, sorry my post annoyed you. I didn't know he had the day off today. Yes, he should have given you a lie in. I stand by everything else I said though.

Rubbish. He should have got up with the baby when he said he would! OP tell him you are going to have one uninterrupted night off at the weekend and he ca get up with the baby. Go into a different room and put some headphones in. You then offer to return the favour l. We did this when my child was small and it saved us

Do you have a spare room? I used to go to that, with earplugs, on my night "off".

Not getting up immediately when it's your partner's lie in day doesn't count! He now owes you two lie-ins...

I'd send him to his mum's with the baby for a weekend night or two so you can get some sleep.

You really need to go somewhere overnight so he can understand what being woken repeatedly with no backup is like.

What happens when both parents of a baby go to work? Can they take it in turns to do the night wakings, even if they both have to use their brains in their jobs?

He hasn't done a whole night in 7 months? That's awful! He is unbelievably selfish.

The first year is make or break honestly we were the same. Still together oldest is 7 we very nearly ended things in the first 12 months. We now have a 3 year old who just slotted in no arguments after he was born

They could alternate nights perhaps

Oh OP I understand where you're coming from. There were times that I hated my husband so much when ours was a baby. I also remember him saying "I was just about to" when he wasn't but it's the perfect excuse for them isn't it.? You can't prove either way but in all likelihood he wasn't about to do fuck all!

I think you need to be really clear with him and say that when he agrees to get up he needs to move his arse pronto and not lie in bed for an extra 30 mins whilst you can hear the baby awake and you're getting more agitated. A lie in should mean a proper undisturbed lie in.

As for the other areas that he isn't pulling his weight you need to tell him 'stop saying you're about to' and SHOW me that you can cook the tea, wash up, bath the baby......whatever without being asked 10 times or taking forever to do it.

As others have said it does get easier but you've got some tough times ahead with the toddler years so you need to try and sort this now. You may find yourself sleeping through in the near future but your resentment will be replaced with something else.

You need to try and be calm but assertive and factual when you talk to him. If you're in attack mode he's just going to be really defensive and you'll get nowhere.

I think you need to say that you're worried for what the next few years will bring because the pre school years are very trying and he needs to understand what's coming.

In short, he needs to sort himself out.

I have been where you are and we are now divorced. There's two possibilities here:-

1. He's useless and not doing anything
2. He's really trying but feels he can't do anything right so has stopped trying.

Only you will know which it is but if he is genuinely trying but you are constantly stepping in / nitpicking then he will go into defence mode and you won't get anywhere.

Do not let this continue as you will end up sick of the sight of each other and one or both of you will end up just wanting out.

I'm 5 years on and know now that what we really needed was a calm outside voice to come in and reset the situation.

Or dads.

There is something VERY wrong if the husband is going out to see friends and the same opportunities are not being presented to the OP. She is as entitled to a break as the husband is

Grow up or split up. Both of you. You have a baby. He needs to be the priority and you need to be a team, not silly squabbling over time in bed and who does what.

Yes, indeed. That's exactly what I said.

I agree with this.

Can you reframe things. Sleeping between 7am and 7.30am after being up 4 times in the night is not a lie in, it's catching up on sleep. Although if he had the day off I'd argue he should be letting you sleep longer.

So instead of saying "can I have a lie in" which makes it sound like a luxury, say "I need to catch up on sleep so you need to do XYZ"

I'm divorced too and I vividly remember asking my ex to get up at 6am once with ds1, after I'd been up half the night with him. He threw a tantrum about "hAvInG tO wOrK" !!

It’s not uncommon sadly OP. For some people, it gets better, and for others it just chips away at your marriage. The reality is that there are plenty of men who will marry women and have children with them but then just refuse to do any of the work or treat the woman fairly or with respect. You’ll get lots of advice about how you should approach this and the way you should phrase your requests for help but you have to remember that if he wanted to, he would. Also, you cannot force him to do anything and he knows that so he likely knows if he just doesn’t get out of bed to see to the baby, you will eventually because who would leave a baby hungry/crying/in a dirty nappy etc in their cot and ignore them? If he’s had two full nights of sleep and you’ve had two nights of broken sleep, anyone who cared about the other person and could see their exhaustion would offer to help. I’ve realised in my marriage that I’ve broken my back and gone above and beyond for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me. I wouldn’t recommend doing the same.

There is nothing drearier to listen to than a fractious baby crying.

It's designed to be an annoying noise.

Babies massively change relationships - people have no idea how much this can happen until the baby has landed, and by then it's too late to think ''This isn't what I imagined it would be''

Hopefully you can pull together with your husband, otherwise there will be yet another broken family, which is really sad. {and expensive}

So that another woman can do his share for him instead of OP? Give me strength

OP has done every single night waking for 7 months. She says that in that time the longest period of uninterrupted sleep she has had is 3 hours. Her DH is having a full night's sleep every night and going on nights out.

He is the one that needs to grow up and take his responsibilities as a father seriously, not OP