Has every woman dealt with SA

[Chickencuddle]

Sometimes I feel so alone and ashamed but I know I'm not.
I was sexually abused as a child and I've never really spoken about it. It was 2 main people when I was a child (not together)
Then as a teen I was in foster care and a neighbour who had kids had split with his wife and I baby sat his kids. I think he groomed me although I've never really been sure as again it was never spoken about and turned messy in the end. I was 15.
Then as n adult multiple men grabbing me on nights out trying to force me to kiss them. One man put his hand up my skirt.
Also another thing which I won't bring up now as too long of a story.
But it haunts me. I feel disgusting and ashamed and I can't talk about it. But it effects me every day. I push it down all the time as I can't afford for it to come up. I am busy with kids and work etc. There's no time to fall part. I'm terrified of coming undone.
But I know it's not jyst me. Does anyone ever talk about it all? I desperately need to talk about it but who to? It's not something you bring up and talk about and I feel like people would look at me different or might not believe me. I don't have time/money for counselling.
I wonder how many people feel the same.

Oh and I realise this is low level but our school bus driver would snap our bra straps as we got on the bus. Age 13 onwards.

Definitely. In my group of friends there’s not one of us that hasn’t.

Shame was the strongest emotion I found. I was petrified of "breaking up" the family and I was equally petrified that it would happen to my sister. I watched her like a hawk and I now know it didn't and I'm grateful for that.
But I was ashamed and I thought it was my fault in some way. These are normal feelings when you are a child and something like this happens because you just can't process it.
You've spoken up once, that's a start. This thread is another speaking up. That's progress. Baby steps.

Every woman ive spoken to has a story, even if it's not a penetrative violation.

I refuse to be ashamed. It happened. It was a few hours of my life and all I will take from it is

1. How I can protect my daughter without being overprotective (so teaching her awareness)

1. I mention it if it comes up in a relevant context. That can be anything from a few words about the actual experience down to, when men mention a newspiece, I'll say that most women have an experience because, in all honesty, I think most middle aged, middle class men don't think it happens to women in their circles, and it absolutely does and I hope it makes then think.

Fwiw, I think most of it happens before we are 20. Which is so sad.

From 9 till i was 11 family member.
From 14 till 16 boyfriend.
At 19 it was going to happen again but i broke his nose yet i was done for assault.
25 ex boyfriend had creepy hands when i was a sleep the childhood came flooding back i lost my rag and gave him a black eye kicked him out the bed and out my home.

And some people wonder why im the way i am.
No one knows how it effects us as we get older i have No trust i dont trust and if anyone is behind me i have to move.
Im not a people person either.
I dont have any feelings like others do you could chip ice of my heart.
I always tell my self there are good men out there they are not all the same.
But for me its safer to be alone because im terrified of what i will do if anyone trys to hurt me.

I told my support worker that i built my wall tall and strong not even king kong could knock it down.
I treat it all like a awful book i read and buried it in the woods i think its how i cope with it.
Yet for them that dont know me im jolly happy and always laughing.

I was sexually abused by my step father. Haunts me to this day

Op you can ask your GP to refer you for free counselling.

Talking it through won’t magically heal your pain, but it does help make it more manageable, acceptable and to be able to process more fully what happened to you, I am pretty sure it will be showing up in your relationships, decisions, self esteem and life choices. It will be leaking into your peace of mind potentially and your sense of safety.

Why should you just soldier on? What happened to you was horrendous and life changing.

I am so sorry to hear of some of your experiences of SA it is utterly heartbreaking and I hope you manage to heal

I never ever thought i had been SA until I realised that men have made me have sex with them not by force but not taking no for an answer and me giving in, men in clubs putting their hands up my skirt or down my top.

I remember once when I was on a night out and sat on a bench a man must of put his hands down my top I was too drunk to know what was happening but he was arrested I remember thinking it's not a big deal and I didn't even go to court. I ended up getting compensation and that's when I finally realised what SA is so yes I think most women have been SA but lots might not realise it

My 14 year autistic daughter came home the other day and was so sad because her male friend from primary school had started to give her unwanted attention all she wanted to do was to ride her bike and have a laugh like they used to but he kept trying to hug her, stroking her thigh and asked her for photos of her in a crop top 😢

Yes the first time for me was when I was about 13 and my piano teacher's son used to grope me. Not "that bad" compared to other people's experiences.
Plenty of unwanted grabbing / comments after that

Yes.

Thank you I am terrified of it having a knock on effect on rest of my life. Maybe it does.
I know I feel like I don't fit in and people Maybe tend not to like me but not sure if this is true or jyst me being self conscious.
I'm terrified for my children too.
I know I am more worried about them going to sleepovers etc. Only eldest daughter has been to close friends house she's 12. But just so worried about their future too. Trying to instill in them that it's their body and they can say no and they can always talk to me. Things I wish I'd had. They give talks at achool too. (I work in a school and there was one the other day. Thought it was great the kids were seeing it but I found it triggering. Few friends asked me if I was OK after. Just said of course I'm fine. Didn't even ask why as didn't want to start a conversation just walked off quickly. Then I think is it that obvious. How can people tell?
My husbands mother in law asked me if I had been. Said she just knew. How? Has this ever happened to anyone.

I do not know of.any woman - friend, colleague, family member or acquaintance that has ever told me they have been sexually assaulted. Sorry to hear of your experience and that you believe this is universal. I really hope not.

Yep I was going to say “no” - but yes, considering the spectrum I would say, it not all, then most women have experienced some form of unwanted sexual touching.

Most of us don't tell. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen to us.

But if they haven't, I'm happy for them. I would be a different person if it hadn't happened to me. I would have liked to meet that version of me.

Not really. That's more my reaction to being repeatedly told that every single woman experiences it. I totally agree it's messed up but, when enough people say that it happens to everyone and it has never happened to you then yes, there's an irrational element of 'what's wrong with me, then.'

But I did think the question was referring to SA as sexual assault. Sexual abuse, which a lot of people have given their experiences of since I first answered, is obviously a totally different situation that happens by pure bad luck to a minority.

I sat down with my mum, who's in her 70's, a few years ago... maybe it was the time of MeToo.... and she reeled off all the times she was assaulted as a young woman. Once quite seriously by a taxi driver - having been told "take a taxi home... it's safer"... as she went on she then revealed her own mother was assaulted and had electric shock treatment as 'therapy'.

I was knocked for 6. I knew what I had been through.... "minor" assaults, comments, touching... but for some reason I never imagined this happened for generations and generations.

Yup, from the standard grope on a night out, to being wanked at on a bus at about 14, 15...Chased down the high street in broad daylight at the same sort of age, hiding in shops to avoid him...Date rape by a boyfriend at about 17

Yes I have. Strangers and my ex husband

Unfortunately this is too true. As someone above has already said, too many times to number.

"I'm terrified of coming undone."

Bless you OP, this made me feel so sad for you. I think the majority of women have experienced it to some degree, but your experiences are pretty serious - please don't think this is a "normal" part of human experience that you need to cope with.

Is there not anyone you can talk to IRL? A trusted friend? Or a helpline? Or chat about it here if you need to.

Sending you love ❤️

I'm so sorry you went through that. I have been through similar and I actually started to think it was just normal growing up because I didnt know any girls/women it didn't happen to. I started to think that was my only worth,what I could provide for boys or men sexually. Like that was the entire point of me. Awful.

I had wonderful trauma counselling that really helped. Unfortunately I don't know any women that don't have a story to tell.

I really enjoyed the program I may destroy you. Some of it is so hard to put into words because men can dance around the boundaries and I've felt violated before without being able to say what exactly it was. The pressure the relentless demands the mind games. But I know all too well the police don't really do anything and often do think it's the women's fault. I've heard lots of "well why was she out at that time "well she shouldn't of been wearing that or got drunk"

I hope its changed now but I'm not sure it has. I think now we have more platforms like only fans it's normalised a lot of things and the boundaries again are blurred.