Has every woman dealt with SA

[Chickencuddle]

Sometimes I feel so alone and ashamed but I know I'm not.
I was sexually abused as a child and I've never really spoken about it. It was 2 main people when I was a child (not together)
Then as a teen I was in foster care and a neighbour who had kids had split with his wife and I baby sat his kids. I think he groomed me although I've never really been sure as again it was never spoken about and turned messy in the end. I was 15.
Then as n adult multiple men grabbing me on nights out trying to force me to kiss them. One man put his hand up my skirt.
Also another thing which I won't bring up now as too long of a story.
But it haunts me. I feel disgusting and ashamed and I can't talk about it. But it effects me every day. I push it down all the time as I can't afford for it to come up. I am busy with kids and work etc. There's no time to fall part. I'm terrified of coming undone.
But I know it's not jyst me. Does anyone ever talk about it all? I desperately need to talk about it but who to? It's not something you bring up and talk about and I feel like people would look at me different or might not believe me. I don't have time/money for counselling.
I wonder how many people feel the same.

Oh, and I forgot about the loser who flashed me in the library. I was so surprised that I missed my chance to embarrass him loudly. If I'd had my wits about me, I'd have pointed and laughed and said how small it was and made a big fuss. I saw him years later and thought, 'he looks familiar' but only much later in the day did I realise why.

So it wasn't traumatic for me. Others have found it really distressing and that is completely reasonable and totally not their fault.

Nope. I have never experienced this, not even comments.

Wolf whistles and sexual comments made by builders as I walked past in my school uniform. Remember my friend screaming at them " she's 14 you sickos!" He was gay and dramatic and I loved him. Didn't even start thinking of the smaller things until now. I'd say the smaller things haven't effected me I don't think but they did at the time. I think I just felt embarrassed and gross.
But would say they maybe have contributed to the "most men are pigs" train of thought.

I've name changed but been on here a long time.

I would agree with this... perhaps not every woman but I am fifty and when I talk with women my own age, yeah I think most of us for sure.

I'm sorry for what you went through as a child @Chickencuddle.

I think my experiences started in my mid to late teens. .. though I remember being threatened by an older boy when I was at primary school that he was strip me and look at my titties. The phrase has stuck in my head. I was terrified. He chased me but I got away. I never told anyone. I was 9 or 10.

Groped on a night out....my vulva not just slaps or pinches on bottom. Age 19.

Boyfriend saying we didn't have to do anything...then having sex with me and no meaning yes. I normalised that one and carried on seeing him. Age 20

An old man who ran a hotel I stayed in abroad made suggestive comments and tried to get in my room. Age 20

Flatmates used to 'jokingly' get in my bed when I wanted to go to bed...but one came in my room when I was drunk age 19 and stood over my bed. I was so out of it I didn't know who it was and thought they were just fooling around. None of them admitted it the next day. I know with hindsight that was a lucky escape. Age 20

My best friend was trapped in a phone box with a man wanking against it age 18. She had boyfriends pressurise her into sex she didn't want.

My ex husband removed condom while having sex with me without my consent and got me pregnant. He coerced and bullied me into sex. Age 33

I'm sure there's loads more.... All these things I normalised and brushed off.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Many women suffer some variation of SA, but not all. I know some who haven't and many who have.
My father touched me inappropriately. I never told a soul until I was in my 20s. I told a chaplain at a uni church and I never ever went back or saw the chaplain again. I needed to get it out of me but I didn't want to be confronted with it again. It took me years to then tell other people like my exH.
I had loads of inappropriate touching/attention including my boss. I just shrugged it off and didn't really realise how completely inappropriate it was until I was older.
But it wasn't until in my 40s I eventually really confronted my own inner self with the help of a therapist. I wasn't really ready before if I'm honest because the feelings of shame overtook everything and I would minimise it.
There's no right way or wrong way to talk or not talk, you have to deal with it in your way. But pain that is not transformed is transmitted and so just recognise that at some point you'll need to try to talk. Good luck

Just remembered when I was in reception. So around 4 or 5 I went in the toilet at school and an older boy came in and told me to pull my pants down. I don't know why I did it but I did. Maybe it was normal by then or I was scared. He told me to show him in detail and I remember him making comments then there was a noise outside and he rushed out.
I went back to class feeling like I'd done something very wrong. Which perhaps I had really.

Hellandback did it help when you talked to the chaplain.
I'm so sorry you went through all that.

I'm one of 3 sisters, I'm the oldest at 30 all 3 of us have been assaulted in one way or another, myself I was so drunk I couldn't see at a house party when I was 19, so I took myself home, the last thing I remember was a car pulling up, I woke up the next day in a mans bed with no recollection of what had happened. I buried that deep because I was so ashamed of it, I don't remember his face now it was many years ago, and I ran out of that house so quick when I woke up.

My sister was abused regularly by her ex, and had inappropriate messages from her cousin which was messed up, and my youngest sister had someone put his hand up her skirt while she was dancing in a club with her friends. It terrifies me as a mum of 2 girls and I wish the world wasn't like this 💔

It weirdly did at the time. I just wanted to tell someone but I didn't want to talk about it, if you know what I mean.
So I just told this chaplain, I wasn't even a member of the church. I just needed to get it out, almost verbalise it. I had kept it so inside that at times I wondered if it was real.
It was what I needed to do, I wasn't ready for counselling or therapy.

You did nothing wrong. Remember that. You did nothing wrong.
This isn't on you. Ever.

I have.. 40 years ago. I was drug gang raped by about 6 men ( might be 5.. might be 7) My drink was spiked with LSD and something else..
I remember some of it.. how kitchen ware ( spatulas/ ladels/ spoons etc ) were shoved into both my vagina and anus.
Bull dog clips attached to my nipples.. had handfuls of hair pulled out...tied down with my tights... l woke up covered in pee/ semen/ faeces/ blood .. all over me and bed and sheets etc.
I could not move... long story short... my Dad died that day.. so l had to pull myself together and my 2 year old daughter came home from her Dads..
The police were horrific.. it was years ago when they hardly did anything.. but blamed me ...was l wearing a short skirt ? Red lipstick? Stockings?.. had l had an argument and wanted revenge.. the police doctor examined me.. told me off for getting a bath and clean clothes.. l just couldn't cope with the mental health if it all.
Two months later l went to an STI clinic.. l had gonherra .. eventually that gave me PID... my insides were a mess.. l had a laparotomy.. major surgery because my womb/ bowels/ colon/ tubes etc were all stuck together.
I was always in and out of hospital with gynaecology and bowel problems.
I still have therapy to this day.
Not counselling that's for here and now..but therapy for past trauma

I hear you completely.

Firstly, as an adult I was constantly told what a good guy the family member who sexually abused me was (they didn't know what had happened, for clarity). Then when he was on his deathbed he asked ME (yes the one he abused as a child) why he was dying before his time when he'd been such a good man hadn't he? That was the straw that broke the camel's back that one.

I also completely understand you saying that you feel less desirable. I feel tainted. I also act differently because I have a very easily triggered flight or flight response. I find it hard to interact with new people because I just feel in some way defective. I do think some people don't understand that sexual assault isn't something that happens over ten, thirty or sixty minutes, it's effects last a lifetime.

Too many to list sadly. Started when I was about 11 or 12; groped by an elderly man at a rock tribute night at our local community hall. Sexually assaulted numerous times, one time it was almost rape but managed to escape thanks to being rescued by my sister, who noticed him following me into the toilets when drunk at a bar/restaurant. She banged the cubicle door he jumped and let go of me, I ran out. We both ran out the restaurant. It was abroad. Never reported it. We were 15 and 17 and our parents were in the next taverna. We just rejoined them and never said anything. Been flashed at on trains, a man masturbated whilst watching me read my book on a train (behind his newspaper but I knew what he was doing). Leered at, threatened when I've politely declined an offer to dance/get a drink or talk. Followed into a dark car park multi storey, again only escaped as someone else appeared at the lift.

A work colleague when I worked at a call centre leered at me a lot (he was a manager) and when I declined his advances he became abusive and dismissive to me at work. Then put his hands up my top to feel my breasts when I was on the Christmas night out when I was really drunk. Awful.

I still consider myself lucky that I've never been fully raped or sexually assaulted as a really young child, although obviously 12 is still a child. Hearing people's stories about CA is just sickening.

Love to all who have suffered. Men are shit. And before the NAMALT crew come to scold me, I love my DH, my small DSs and my DF but fuck me, it is a lot of them. I believe to many men they don't think of us as fully humans in our own right, we are only there to please them. It's so shit.

Thisbis exactly how I feel but couldn't put into words. I feel like I need to talk about it all. Exactly what happened. I see it every day in my head ans want it gone. I feel like I'm living half in my head and noone knows. And it just needs to get out. I'd like to know. I think I know anyway. But feel like I just need someone to say that was wrong. But don't know if I'm ready to actually talk about it face to face or even down the phone. I don't know what I need to do. It needs to get out but it needs to stay in.
That's a ramble sorry. I'm glad it helped you at the time. It was a really smart thing to do. And a strong thing to do.

@Moier I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Oh I'm so sorry, this is awful. I know there is nothing I can say to change what happened, but I'm sending you love, thoughts and hope things are happier now. Those men were evil. Xx

Sorry meant to tag @morier @moier

That's one of the most messed up things I've ever heard. So your reaction to have never been abused or assaulted is poor me, I must be so unattractive, fucking hell

Moier I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's awful. I'm angry on your behalf of how you were treated by police. Did any of them get convicted?

Have you tried a helpline or something ? My employer has a 24 x7 helpline and I called them mid divorce and just cried on the phone for an hour at 3am. The lady on the phone was lovely and just listened to me.
Maybe just try something like that. Some anonymous way and if you chicken out, just put the phone down. It's may help. You never know.
I'm sorry OP. It's do awful that you have to deal with this. Maybe just this thread helps too. You're not alone

I'm 61 and fortunately have never been sexually assaulted in my life, all my sexual encounters have been consensual. I am so shocked at the number of posters who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, it is horrifying. I have had unwanted comments but never anything physically unwanted. I've been a student and used to love nightclubs and bars when young and didn't experience anything in those places; I realise of course it can happen anywhere.
My daughter and DIL in their 30s, nieces in their 20s and 30s and sisters in 50s have never experienced any sexual assaults either. We have all liked going out so not like we all stayed at home most of the time.
We in fact had this very conversation at Christmas and concluded we have all been very lucky indeed.

No, and I only know of one person who has. And that was from
Her uncle.

I did ring a helpline once. Told them about something that happened more recently. Which still struggle with. Found it very hard to get my words out. It did make me feel stronger in that I knew it wasn't my fault and I knew it was wrong.
Feel Ialways struggle with being able to say "that was wrong"
but never spoke about things that happened as a child
Strangely I feel more shame over them and more disgusting. Not sure why.
This thread is helping actually. As sad as it is i am able to talk a bit and don't feel so alone. I hope it's helping others too.

I don't know a single woman who hasn't been sexually abused as a child or assaulted or raped as an adult. Often there's a combination of the three (which is true for me).

Isn't that terrifying... Accross three generations of woman in my life including various colleagues and friends, none of us have escaped it.

The statistics must be much higher than reported, and even those are bad.

Sorry you’ve had such horrible experiences. I’ve never had abuse as you described but definitely been groped by strangers in clubs etc. was once pinned down in a field by a young traveller who groped my boobs and crotch- this was in my school lunch break! Never considered it SA at the time .

@ Moier ... I am so sorry to read of your ordeal. That is on another level not that any SA is Ok.