Has every woman dealt with SA

[Chickencuddle]

Sometimes I feel so alone and ashamed but I know I'm not.
I was sexually abused as a child and I've never really spoken about it. It was 2 main people when I was a child (not together)
Then as a teen I was in foster care and a neighbour who had kids had split with his wife and I baby sat his kids. I think he groomed me although I've never really been sure as again it was never spoken about and turned messy in the end. I was 15.
Then as n adult multiple men grabbing me on nights out trying to force me to kiss them. One man put his hand up my skirt.
Also another thing which I won't bring up now as too long of a story.
But it haunts me. I feel disgusting and ashamed and I can't talk about it. But it effects me every day. I push it down all the time as I can't afford for it to come up. I am busy with kids and work etc. There's no time to fall part. I'm terrified of coming undone.
But I know it's not jyst me. Does anyone ever talk about it all? I desperately need to talk about it but who to? It's not something you bring up and talk about and I feel like people would look at me different or might not believe me. I don't have time/money for counselling.
I wonder how many people feel the same.

I was sexually abused by a family member when I was 10, and raped by an ex-boyfriend when I was 35.

There were also all the occasions in pubs and clubs where men groped (one did it so hard his finger nearly penetrated through my clothes!), pressed themselves up against me, smacked my bottom, draped their arm around my shoulder so their hand 'accidentally brushed my boob...on and on.

I think a lot of women who say they haven't been sexually abused in some way have just accepted certain behaviours as the 'norm' and don't see it as SA - for example, a pat on the bottom, or a man using cramped conditions on a train as an excuse to press their crotch into your bottom. That kind of thing.

Well this is just it, where do you draw the line. This is why I didn't like the "me too" movement because when my friends said it it could mean anything from "someone wolf whistled at me once" to full on child sexual abuse or rape, and it never sat comfortably with me that everything was put into the same bucket. It's like how feeling down isn't the same as a clinical depressive disorder. Yes both should have the option for support, but they aren't the same thing at all and grouping or treating them as such is worrying.

I’m so sorry you went through this. As others have said sexual assault is very common on a wide spectrum. Your experiences sound particularly traumatising and I’m not surprised you’re struggling, anyone would. The shame and disgust you carry shouldn’t belong to you, they belong to the horrible men who have done this to you - they are 100% to blame. None of this was your fault.

not sure where you are but the charity SARAS Somerset and Avon Rape and Sexual Abuse Support provide a phone line and online chat and useful resources online https://www.sarsas.org.uk/support-and-information/i-need-help/

Rape Crisis as others have said. They have rape and sexual assault phone line 247sexualabusesupport.org.uk

The Survivors Trust thesurvivorstrust.org/support-in-your-area/

There are lots others depending on your area. Some may offer free counselling and local support groups where you can talk with others.

There are long waiting lists but I would also speak to GP and be referred for counselling/psychotherapy - even if lists long it’s good to get on the list to start with so it’s an option to come back to.

Please do reach out, you will be believed and listened to and you’re absolutely not alone. So many posters like on this thread are also here to support you and talk through experiences.

So sorry for what you and other posters have gone through. I guess I'm one of the unusually lucky ones, as I haven't experienced it. Unwanted attention occasionally, but not physical.

OP- I talk about it. Not so much any more, because I'm older and have no contact with either the family member or the ex-boyfriend.

But I refuse to keep secret something that was done to me. I feel no shame, only anger that those creepy, pathetic men thought that they had the right to make use of my body that way.

Ultimately, despite the lack of self esteem that is due in part to those turds, it did me a favour- I took up karate 22 years ago and have a wonderful, protective, caring 'family' from it. I also know that no man would get away unscathed if he tried anything like that again- I might not be able to win a fight (depending on the size of the man!) but I would absolutely cause as much damage as possible.

Yes. Too many times.

I've been on the receiving end of comments and unwanted attention sure, but I honestly can't think of a time I was assaulted. And that's not me normalising things - it just wasn't happened. I realise I'm very lucky. It's so sad to think this is so prevalent.

I'm so sorry, OP. To you and anyone else on here who has been sexually abused

Me and all of my friends have been sexually assaulted in some form. Some minor to major.

My dirty old uncle came into the room where I was sleeping when I was about 12 or something and felt my boobs. I tried to tell my mum but was so shy I just said 'Uncle X is a pervert'. She immediately said 'no he isn't' and that was that. I have only ever shared this on Mumsnet since then. He's dead now and I am angry I can't tell him he's a dick.

Yes I think so

Yes my sister and I were abused by our brother. The abuse I experienced thankfully was short lived, the abuse my sister endured went on over decades. She ended up having a very complex trauma based adult relationship with our brother.

I don’t speak to anyone in my family as a result of their handing the abuse. My parent’s behaviour back then and now has been outrageous and my siblings enable them.

It really showed up the very dark grim underbelly of my family when especially the abuse my sister experienced came out. A lot of misogyny and narcissism among them.

No. Every woman hasn't.

But it is a common occurrence and it is not your shame to carry.
I am very sorry it has happened to so many.

I hope you can find somewhere to talk about this - perhaps one of the organisations @Nifler has mentioned, or an organisation specific to your area.

Yes, probably.
I wasn't abused, but unwanted sexual advances happened too many times.
I have been married for 20 years, husband is 75 and when the inevitable happens (I'm 46), I won't let another fucking man anywhere near me.
Fed up with the lot.
(Husband is very decent).

I'm sorry to all those who have been through the same.
I feel angry that they are put there just living their lives as normal while I will always have this.
I feel like part of me is damaged. I feel like I'm different to others in a bad way. Realistically I know I was a child. But I still feel shame as I know it just makes me less appealing in general. Not even to men just to anyone. I feel like people would be uncomfortable around me. Feel like I'm carrying it around with me hiding.
I feel like rationally I know it was SA but I feel the need for someone to tell me it was...to confirm it. But don't know what good that will do.
Sick of feeling weak

Yes, sadly I think the majority of girls/women have had.

Yeah, this. It's awful.

I was going to say no I hadn't. But then I remembered:
the flasher when I was a teen
the heavy breather down the phone, also as a teen
the dodgy older boyfriend who may or may not have been a groomer

Either way, my closest female relatives and friends have all either been raped or abused as children.

In our society we find it hard to acknowledge that these experiences aren't rare and done by some obvious weirdo, but universal for women and done by otherwise ordinary seeming men. WIth my experiences being unusual for being so minor.

Once at school, once on a packed tube platform, once at work.

My daughter who is only 20 has also been grabbed inappropriately once!

Yes as a child and adult. Growing up in the 70s and 80s was hard. Sexual abuse was definitely treated as the woman or child's fault. It's better now but men are still so fucking entitled. Makes me sick.

Annamagnani that made me remember a flasher in the park when I was maybe 11. Just stood there with his bits out staring at me.
Being followed home by an overly touchy guy when I was 17. The bus driver stopped the bus further up the road and came to escort me home. Who knew what could have happened if he hadn't done that. There are some good guys I know. Jyst feels like the majority aren't.
Embarrassingly I even snogged an adult age 14 who drove beside me on my way home and asked for a kiss. I was scared to say no...

Actually my experience is probably only because I had hypervigilant parents (both victims of SA), went to a girl's school, only went to clubs run by women and then took up a majority female career.

Sad really that that is what it takes.

It would be well worth talking to a professional. I don’t need the reassurance anymore- I feel like I’m old enough and secure enough in my identity not to give a flying fuck how anyone else assesses my experiences.

It is also securely in a box labelled ‘done and dusted’ and last time I tried to get it out for a thorough airing, it caused me problems.

So follow this up, but at a time when you have energy to spare to address it. 💐

I'm so sorry to hear what most of you have endured. It sounds horrific and the longer lasting, emotional and mental effects sound dreadful for so many of you.

I have two teen DDs and I worry for them.

I am hugely fortunate to be one of the very lucky ones. My brushes with SA have been minimal and hardly left a mark on me. My brilliant Papa knew who the bad ones were and warned them off - vicars who tried to reel you in for a slimy kiss after Sunday service, etc.

Compared to what many/most of you have endured, my experiences hardly count and they certainly haven't left any permanent damage.

What's worse, I probably should have been raped a few times by now.
I pushed the boundaries many times at university but the young men involved proved themselves to be of sterling character.

Compared to many of your expericences, this is almost a joke:
In my early 20s, I was teaching in a secondary school in the US and a pupil there interruped my lesson to rub himself up against me (hump me like he was a naughty dog) in front of 20 witnesses. The hardest part about that was holding firm that he was in the wrong. Many people, other teachers included, tried to minimise this incident (not the first for him!) and asked me whether I 'really' wanted this to go on his 'permanent record' and be disclosed to his university choices 'because he's so young and this will really affect his future'. Well I did hold firm and threatened to lawyer-up. The incident did go on his 'permanent record' and was passed on to his university choices.

Do make time for counceling, via telephone at a minimum. Your job may have a free service for this - many workplaces do.

I think every woman has dealt with unwanted attention let's say but necessarily assault. I'm not quite sure where the dividing line is though as it can be a fine line

I was first raped when I was about 7 by a friend of the family. That abuse got worse and worse. In the end I ran away to boarding school when I was 11 to escape. As I wasn't there he then raped my sister.
Sexually assaulted by my boss when I was a student.
The drunk homeless chap that kissed me as I waited for a bus when in sixth form. Fortunately I was saved as 'the wrong' bus stopped and the driver came to my rescue.
Then in an abusive marriage where I was raped on a number of occasions.
Generally groped kind of seems like par for the course.

I am having specialist trauma counselling through a rape charity. There was a 2 month wait list, but in that time they contacted me every week just to check I was ok. The counselling has been the best thing I ever did and has helped me to see how the abuse I suffered as a child has formed the basis for a lot of my current world views, like believing that everything is my fault and accepting responsibility for lots of stuff that really isn't mine.