First Mother’s Day

[Dartagnat]

It’s my first Mother’s Day this month. I live with DP and our baby. I had hoped for breakfast in bed, maybe a nice late lunch somewhere with the three of us, and a walk if the weather is nice. A bit of quality time with DP and the baby.

DP has three children we have every other weekend. It falls on our weekend this year, so we offered to bring the children back on the Saturday night or Sunday morning instead of the Sunday afternoon, which is what usually happens so they can spend Mother’s / Father’s Day with their parent, but their mum said no. So we’ll have SC all day until about 4pm, then DP will spend the evening driving them home and will get back after the baby’s bedtime. I will inevitably spend the evening cleaning up their mess as usual. But to look on the positive side, I love SC too and figured we could still do breakfast in bed and a walk. Now SD has a sports match 9-11am on Sunday so no breakfast in bed.

My mother’s now suggested that she comes to visit for the weekend too. This means she’ll be sleeping here. I love seeing her, and obviously it’s Mother’s Day, but she snores like a train so barely any sleep for me, which I’m finding harder to handle with a baby. She will want to be taken out for lunch (which means paying for everyone, and seven meals adds up these days) or to be cooked a roast on the Sunday, and won’t want to walk anywhere or for us to go without her.

AIBU to feel a bit put out that my first Mother’s Day is going to be a tiring weekend spent cooking for (or paying for) and cleaning up after other people, instead of enjoying time with the baby?

I’ve spent the last six years making sure DP has a good Father’s Day so that may be clouding my view.

We have had SC on Mother’s Day mornings before, and they make cards and DP gets flowers for me, but I also help them make cards and presents for their mum so it’s not been ‘my’ day before. And I guess it still isn’t.

Tell your own mum it's not a good weekend or tell her she needs to find alternative accomodation (does everyone live in massive houses on here as we have no space at all for guests). If she does still come, don't go out for food. Cook at home. Doesn't have to be a roast. Make a large cottage pie or something in advance and freeze.

Step children are part of your life, if their mum isn't fussed about having them on mothers day and it is your usual weekend to have them, then you can't really change that and should have to some extent have expected them to be there.

You can still have breakfast in bed, just earlier.

What is it you normally do that makes it so special for your DH? If that bothered change it to the weekend after for the breakfast in bed.

Your husband needs to make sure you still get your relaxing, nice day.

No reason why he cant make you breakfast in bed and do all the clear up before his childs sports match. You could stay relaxing at home with your mum and baby whilst he does the sports game.

Then when he comes back, no reason why he cant prepare a meal for everyone, including your mum rather than go out and depending on kids ages, them help him clean up before he runs them home

Its his weekend to have the kids, nice that he offered their mum the time to spend with them, but since she doent want to change weekends, he needs to make the best of it and make sure you still have a restful day

Could you move your Mother's Day to the following weekend?

Just do “Mother’s Day” the following weekend. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is on your partner. Your SC shouldn't have their normal routine disrupted but he can make sure you have a nice restful day and it feels special. You shouldn't be cleaning up everything for example and he can organise lunch.
I'd move your mum to another weekend as with a small baby it seems too much.

Sorry to hear that op, would you be able to all go out to lunch after the sport? Maybe get your partner to take the baby there, so you can have an extra snooze.

Your partner could make you breakfast in bed before he leaves and then make a roast when he's back.

You are the one with a baby. Your husband and if necessary because it’s a big group your mother, should be the people doing the work that day, not you. You don’t need to cook. You don’t need to figure out restaurants.

it’s ok to tell your mother it’s not a good weekend if that is going to cause you extra stress.

There's not a lot you can do about DSC really if it's your husband's weekend, other than get him to take them out. But if you want him with you, it's the full package. You could certainly compromise with your mum, no overnight stay and maybe just you and her go for lunch? Alternatively you could celebrate your own mother's day the week after, doing your preferred plans.

In the past for DP I’ve arranged lots of presents including special personalised ‘Best Dad’ type ones from SC and ones they’ve each chosen, I’ve cooked his favourite meals or booked restaurants he likes, booked activities he’d like with SC (cinema or escape room or bowling kinda thing - fun to do with kids but not really baby suitable). SC are always pleasant to me but I’m not their mum, so personalised ‘Best Mum’ books and the like aren’t appropriate. And giving presents that are just “from the baby” might make SC feel uncomfortable so I don’t think he’d do that. I’ll probably get some flowers and generic chocolates.

DP’s not a confident cook so it’s either I cook or we spend £200ish eating out, which we can’t really afford right now. He could do breakfast but there won’t be time before the match and afterwards it’d be midday, which isn’t breakfast time, and I’ll have been up for hours.

SC and my mother will want to celebrate Mother’s Day on the right day, and celebrating it the weekend after isn’t the same in my opinion…

I’m just going to have to suck it up, and it’ll be nice to have everyone around, I just feel a bit deflated.

Get your DP to make you breakfast and then take all the children with him to the sports match. You then have lie-in and a bath while your mum helps with the baby, and then you can all go out and meet somewhere for lunch.

No need for you to martyr yourself.

Just do it the weekend before or after.

If it's his normal weekend with SC then he can't help that their mum isn't fussed about Mother's Day and therefore doesn't want to change plans. And she's not being unreasonable either.

Send dh off with his dc to the game. Spend a lazy morning with your dc... Tell dm if she is coming for the day she can make lunch....

Could you visit your mum and take the baby with you, have a nice day out together, and leave DP to sort out his own kids for the day? Then as others say, you can do your weekend with the three of you when the SDC are with their mum.

SC and my mother will want to celebrate Mother’s Day on the right day

Your mum is a grown woman insisting other people take her out for lunch, she can surely accept that you, a new mother with step children, cannot necessarily do any day she deems convenient.

You can do the SC part of Mother's Day on the actual day. But do the nice lie in and stuff you wanted the next weekend.

He doesn't have to be a confident cook...he can make something simple like a roast chicken, salad, crusty rolls, nice cheeses ect. It doesnt have to be you cook or spend a fortune on going out.

Also, he can get up early and prepare a nice breakfast for you and then take all the kids to the game. Sounds like they are an age where they can help with clearing up

And he can get personalised presents off baby for you and generic chocolate/flowers from step kids.

I know this isnt how you envisaged your first mothers day but dont let it become a day of you doing everything or a write off...he can still make ot a nice day for you with effort and planning on his part.

Either have your Mother’s Day on another weekend or…

Tell DM she can’t come that weekend as it’s a busy one. Ask your DH to take your SC out for the morning and spend the morning in bed with your baby.

DH can still make an effort by making you breakfast in bed, getting some flowers. Letting you have time with just you and DC. You could do something really nice as well like going to the farm or something.

Your boyfriend chose to have a large number of kids so he needs tonnes more practice to develop confidence with cooking.

It's on him to tidy up after his kids and to make your Mother's Day as well planned as you have done for his Father's Days. Tell him your expectations.
Don't be everyone's skivvy.

Imo you are making things more difficult for yourself by not saying no to your DM and also feeling like you have to be the cook on that day. DP surely can just do some salad bits, sausage rolls, chicken etc…

4 kids and he can’t be arsed to learn how to cook? Ick.

My DH would cook a roast for everyone.

Why don't you suggest that OP?

You're being a bit precious and unreasonable. This is just life as a blended family. Your stepchildren's mum has the responsibility of them the majority of the time, so you can't blame her at all for wanting a lie in. Tell your mum that your stepchildren are around that weekend and have stuff on but invite her up on another weekend when they aren't around.

Ask your DP to bring you breakfast in bed at 8am or whenever on Mother's Day then take his older children to the match for 9am so you don't have to be up and about early.

What is your DP doing for the mum of his older children?

You can celebrate Mother's Day anytime, doesn't have to be on that day.

Not being a confident cook is a pretty rubbish excuse ... I'm sure there's something he can cook for you?!

YABU for being a martyr.