First Mother’s Day

[Dartagnat]

It’s my first Mother’s Day this month. I live with DP and our baby. I had hoped for breakfast in bed, maybe a nice late lunch somewhere with the three of us, and a walk if the weather is nice. A bit of quality time with DP and the baby.

DP has three children we have every other weekend. It falls on our weekend this year, so we offered to bring the children back on the Saturday night or Sunday morning instead of the Sunday afternoon, which is what usually happens so they can spend Mother’s / Father’s Day with their parent, but their mum said no. So we’ll have SC all day until about 4pm, then DP will spend the evening driving them home and will get back after the baby’s bedtime. I will inevitably spend the evening cleaning up their mess as usual. But to look on the positive side, I love SC too and figured we could still do breakfast in bed and a walk. Now SD has a sports match 9-11am on Sunday so no breakfast in bed.

My mother’s now suggested that she comes to visit for the weekend too. This means she’ll be sleeping here. I love seeing her, and obviously it’s Mother’s Day, but she snores like a train so barely any sleep for me, which I’m finding harder to handle with a baby. She will want to be taken out for lunch (which means paying for everyone, and seven meals adds up these days) or to be cooked a roast on the Sunday, and won’t want to walk anywhere or for us to go without her.

AIBU to feel a bit put out that my first Mother’s Day is going to be a tiring weekend spent cooking for (or paying for) and cleaning up after other people, instead of enjoying time with the baby?

I think you're being a bit precious. Your partner already has a (quite large!) family, he has a significant commitment, so this type of priority 'clash' is likely to be your normal.

You have your Mother's Day the weekend before. (If it's the weekend after it won't get done.) My first Mother's Day, I was unwilling to share it with my mother, but I wanted to spoil her. I made sure my husband spoiled me on the Saturday instead! You can't have it both ways, you have your SC there, so you choose if it's a family day or all about you. I'd do both by taking the previous weekend if I were you. Let go of the preciousness of the date.

No it's not. It's something like the 4th Sunday of Lent. In 1983, Easter was very early. Good Friday was 1st April and I got married on Saturday 2nd, therefore Easter Sunday was 3rd April. Because Easter was early, Mother's Day had happened on 13th March. Everything around Easter is moveable.

In UK, it's part of the church calendar and not just a made up thing like father's day. It's tied to Easter and is always the 4th Sunday of Lent. Easter is a moveable feast because it's governed by the Lunar calendar, so some years it's early and some years it's later, which means Mother's Day moves too.

You have every right to feel disappointed. A first Mother’s Day is special to some people and this shouldn’t be minimised. For some it’s quite a difficult journey to actually become a mother in the first place.

I agree with others that you should ask your Mum to postpone her visit and outright tell your husband he needs to take the lead with his children because you want to focus on spending time with your baby and enjoy the day - It doesn’t mean you can’t be around them or enjoy their company, it just means he can do the more heavy lifting for the day.

Motherhood can be very hard and you absolutely deserve to be celebrated. I hope your day turns out better than you’re expecting. If it still looks like it’s going to be a stressful day is there a chance you could take your baby out for the day instead, maybe to an aquarium or somewhere similar?

Can another parent take you stepchild to his match?

I'd put off your Mum too.

This! ⬆️

And this ⬆️

Why should another parent have to get involved? The whole family don't have to go, the Dad can just take his child. Even better if he takes all other children if he wanted to give his partner some quiet time.
I don't see why someone else should take responsibility for him choosing to have a lot of children and his partner suddenly realising that this means she might not get the special things she wants. Surely as a step mum she would have known she isn't number 1 priority.

Order an Afternoon Tea in.

No reason why your husband can't make a simple breakfast in bed, toast and a cup of tea. Along with a card and chocolates or flowers (or both).

If you don't want to cook go to the supermarket before the day and buy nice luxury bits for a picnic lunch, quiches, french stick and salads and stuff. Then tell husband he has to clean it all up because it's mother's day.

I know you are disappointed but it's life. You are still a daughter and motherhood is constant. Do something the previous week. Its quieter and cheaper. Personally I hate Mothers Day. It's commercial and unnecessary pressure and cost. Do a casserole for your mum and spend quality time with her. This is my first mother's day since DD has become a mother and my own mother has died so feel a bit odd tbh!

Take ownership of your own life, OP. You've written the day off as a bit shit and it's not happened yet.
Speak to your mum and say it's not a great weekend for a visit and could she come the week after? Just because she's asked to visit it doesn't mean you have to say yes.
If there is no alternative (there is) to her visiting, buy in solutions. Cook sell vegan options - buy something that even your OH (seriously, he needs to learn to cook!) is capable of putting in the oven. Can he manage buying things in a supermarket? If so get him to buy some nice pastries, fruit platter, juice, coffee etc so he can make you breakfast in bed in minutes before the sport.
Don't fucking tidy up other people's mess on a day that is about celebrating you. OH can do that when everyone is back, like you would on father's day.
Playing the martyr benefits no-one, especially you. Set your baby a great example of assertive, confident behaviour.

Come on don’t be a martyr
say no to your mum, I’m not sure why her wants are more important than yours.
dp can surely get up and leave you with breakfast in bed before he takes dd?
or he can make everyone a nice lunch when he gets back.

dinner - are you saying he literally can’t cook anything at all? That’s a bigger problem for another day, but can’t he even just get a big tray bake from Costco or something and some cake or something you like for after. Or M&S over Costco if budget allows. I don’t think it’s £200 dinner out or nothing.

Why does your mum now want to be celebrated on Mother's Day, when she wasn't bothered before? It's like she wants to steal your thunder, particularly if she expects the mother of a small baby to be doing all the work and waiting on her hand and foot. I would definitely tell her to postpone her visit.

It’s just a day. Have your own Mothers’ Day the weekend after. You won’t have the SCs, flowers will be cheaper and it’ll be easier to get a table in a nice restaurant.