First Mother’s Day

[Dartagnat]

It’s my first Mother’s Day this month. I live with DP and our baby. I had hoped for breakfast in bed, maybe a nice late lunch somewhere with the three of us, and a walk if the weather is nice. A bit of quality time with DP and the baby.

DP has three children we have every other weekend. It falls on our weekend this year, so we offered to bring the children back on the Saturday night or Sunday morning instead of the Sunday afternoon, which is what usually happens so they can spend Mother’s / Father’s Day with their parent, but their mum said no. So we’ll have SC all day until about 4pm, then DP will spend the evening driving them home and will get back after the baby’s bedtime. I will inevitably spend the evening cleaning up their mess as usual. But to look on the positive side, I love SC too and figured we could still do breakfast in bed and a walk. Now SD has a sports match 9-11am on Sunday so no breakfast in bed.

My mother’s now suggested that she comes to visit for the weekend too. This means she’ll be sleeping here. I love seeing her, and obviously it’s Mother’s Day, but she snores like a train so barely any sleep for me, which I’m finding harder to handle with a baby. She will want to be taken out for lunch (which means paying for everyone, and seven meals adds up these days) or to be cooked a roast on the Sunday, and won’t want to walk anywhere or for us to go without her.

AIBU to feel a bit put out that my first Mother’s Day is going to be a tiring weekend spent cooking for (or paying for) and cleaning up after other people, instead of enjoying time with the baby?

What about a picnic at the park (weather permitting) surely your dp could rustle that up and would be a lot cheaper than a meal out for you all.

Tell your Mum now that you won’t be going out to lunch, nor will you be cooking a dinner. Instead have a help yourself lunch/buffet type thing. Roast a chicken the day before and have that cold, along with breads, cheese, salad bits, smoked salmon - whatever food that everyone will eat really.

Then the next weekend have lunch out with your DH and baby.

For your own sanity remove the Mother's Day having to be on whatever day is stated by the shops/rules etc or you will spend life constantly disappointed.
When I first met husband, he had a mum to please, I had a mum to please, then when our son came along, my husband had a wife to please. Right from the get go once our son was born I said always make my Mother's Day the week after, let's keep my mum happy on the Saturday, your mum happy on the Sunday, and the following week we could then just chill. Now our sons grown up and has his own mother in law, I still say I'll just fall in with their plans and see them when I see them. I want him to see me because he wants to, not because I'm another thing on his list of things to do.
Have your breakfast in bed, your nice lunch out a week later, or a week earlier, when all the restaurants and cafes are much quieter and less crowded.
A peaceful life is a happy life.

There must be something basic he can cook/throw in the oven for all of you.

Then the following weekend when it is just the 3 of you, go out for a meal (after a lie in) or have a special takeaway.

But with 4 DC surely your partner has cooked meals in the past

Breakfast can even be some nice pastries from the supermarket, some nicer fruit than normal... something already prepped so all he needs to do is make you a drink and bring it up to you.

This is lovely 🥰

The only reason I feel like DP’s ex is being slightly unreasonable is that every other year that it’s fallen on our weekend, she’s wanted SC back either the night before or in the morning, which we’ve always happily agreed to (and made up time elsewhere) and vice versa for Father’s Day. This is the first time she’s ever not wanted them on Mother’s Day.

My mother’s never been fussed about spending Mother’s Day together but it seems she wants to be celebrated too this year. Usually I send flowers and a card. Since I’ve had the baby she has been much more keen to be here for every event, which is nice, but it’s also hard work having extra house guests (who snore exceptionally loudly) especially when SC are here.

DP can cook but finds it stressful and him sequestering himself in the kitchen for hours, leaving me with all the children, isn’t an overly appealing thought either. I like cooking usually. My mother is a vegan too and he has no vegan recipes in his repertoire and he’d probably serve pesto pasta or beans on toast or something.

I’m sure it’ll be fine, I just feel a bit disappointed that it’s clearly not going to be a day about me or what I’d like.

YABU to have such high expectations. MD is just a series of annual disappoitments for most Mums. Just plan the day you would like for another day and have a lovely time and not get too worked about That Sunday.

Totally this. My DS plays football and there is always a match on mother's day which we all go to so I never get a relaxing breakfast in bed but that can be done on another day. My mother's day will be getting up early, going to the football match then driving for 90 minutes to see my mum and MIL then home where DH will cook and I will sit with a glass of Prosecco 🤣. Building the day up into this perfect day will always lead to disappointment. It's just another Sunday really but it's a nice excuse for nice food etc

Having the mothers day you would like the weekend before or after may not be the same but much better than missing out altogether.

It is disappointing but all sounds unavoidable.

@Dartagnat your mother has suggested she visit? in other words, she is inviting herself? just say no. you can say no to her!

It’s a hallmark holiday. You can have a day where you are celebrated as a mother on any day of the year and the sky won’t fall down.

(unless you’re the sort that needs to post on instagram)

Kindly, you chose to have a baby with a man who already had children with someone else. MD was never going to be solely about you.

It sounds like you'd already made up your mind about what you wanted to do before checking if your stepchildren will be with you. That's why you're disappointed.

Does your DP have his older children overnight during the week or is it just every other weekend? If it's the latter, it sounds like your DP's ex does the majority of the parenting so I think YABU to be complaining that she wants to stick to the agreed routine. Perhaps DP's ex wants to have a childfree lunch with her own mum, can't say I blame her.

Just to give you a heads up, the clocks change that day too so it's an hour less in bed. It sucks when that happens, why does the date of Mother's Day change every year??

Lots of really good suggestions about food. I think you are now looking for problems. If the best he can do is pesto pasta then go with that!

Likewise a lot of people have said you can say no to your mum. You can explain you will have a house full and it will be manic. Or she could come for a day visit?

Don't make work for yourself just to be a people pleaser.

It's always the last Sunday of March. It's meant to be for staff of rich gentry to return to their 'mother church' or something, but naturally got turned into consumerfest.

Yes. 👏
Many times before this poster made and is making a lot of sense.

OP, stop putting yourself out.

You could plan nice boys for you around everything else going on. First of all tell your mum she can’t visit on Mother’s Day, there’s too much else going on.

I don’t know anyone with a small baby that isn’t awake by 9, get your DH to make a nice breakfast for you to have in bed with baby while he takes all the kids to the sports activity. You could either then meet them all for lunch or he could bring them back for lunch.

How long does it take him to drop the kids home? Still time for some fizz and nibbles at the end of the day?

Because it needs to be a Sunday.

I am incredibly explicit about what I want for Mother's Day, starting with a lie in, coffee in bed, breakfast in bed, then at some point a gin and tonic and my fave crisps and a roast dinner. I will purchase the breakfast, the crisps and the oven ready roast (potato gratin, microwave carrots and m&s roast that basically you put in the oven for what it says on the tin. I don't care when this is celebrated but that's what I want, and I don't want to have to lift a finger. If I'm so inclined I might help but I reserve the right to be a complete diva on the day.

So I'd say do all the kiddie bits on the day and your mother bits and the following week have your diva day.

No it isn't. The clocks going forward is always the last Sunday in March. Mother's Day is linked to the Church calendar - the fourth Sunday in Lent.

Easter is late this year so Mother's Day is late.

Your 'D' P is a parent of 4 children.

So what if he finds cooking stressful? It's a cross we parents have to bear 🤷‍♂️

He's a grown man, parent of 4 kids. If he can't cook, it's about bloody time he learnt! He can start with a Roast In A Bag chicken from the supermarket, ready made roast potaties to chuck in the oven, and some veg. If he's totally incompetent he can even buy gravy.

Tell him he needs to work out his timings before he starts. First time roast dinner cooks often don't know that. He's got a good coupld of weeks to get his backside in gear about that.

If your mum wants to come and stay, buy a nice plant-based meal from Cook or something similar for her. There's no need to go out.

Generally, as long as you get a cuppa in bed, a card and a bunch of daffs you've done well for Mother's Day. With 4 kids, it's never going to be a quiet day focussing on you.

Mother's day, when you have young children (step children or biological children), is down to their Dad.
Your husband should be giving you the Mother's Day you deserve as the mother/ step mother of his children. On that day it is not up to you to run around looking after everyone else.
Tell your Mum you have plans for your first mother's day so can't accommodate her and make plans with her for another weekend. Her happiness isn't more important than yours. Set the precedent now.
Mother's day has always been very low key for me, that's the way I like it. I don't expect loads of presents but I do expect someone else to cook, do the running around etc. Even now when all my children have left home I still don't cook.

Because it’s always a Sunday? There’s another reason but I fin’t remember.

I agree with other pp about changing it to the following week if it’s not possible to have it properly on the actual day. You’re a grown up, it’s a bit unrealistic (and precious) to insist it be that day when you have your dh’s other children to factor in.