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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Claiming to not be able to afford it - it’s just a dig, isn’t it?

53 replies

affordingit · 10/03/2025 13:37

Sitting with a group of friends (including my sister). We were talking about all sorts but the conversation moved to food shopping. One of my friends asked me if I’d been to the newly opened higher end supermarket. I said I had after work and that we’d got some amazing yellow sticker items for the freezer. My sister declared ‘I don’t go there personally. I can’t afford it’ and laughed to herself but I could see peripherally she was looking at me the whole time. She and BIL are very big earners and way outearn me and DH, which she will know. I was left feeling awkward and didn’t really know what to respond with. It kind of dampened the conversation too. What could her intention here be - anything other than to show me up? I don’t feel I could confront her as she would downplay it and say I’m taking meaning from it that wasn’t there/making things up. It was less that she said it and more how she stared me down as she did.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies2 · 10/03/2025 13:40

Were you supposed to point out that she and her husband have more money than you? I think saying nothing at all is the way forward OP.

MistyF · 10/03/2025 13:40

Maybe she thinks you're middle class and looks down on you? Maybe she's still subconsciously jealous on you?
How many children you and your sister have?

Original poster
affordingit · 10/03/2025 13:41

Knittedfairies2 · 10/03/2025 13:40

Were you supposed to point out that she and her husband have more money than you? I think saying nothing at all is the way forward OP.

I don’t know you know. I could just tell it was loaded. There was another example similar to this but I can’t remember it as we all talked about so much and I’d had a couple of wines.

OP posts:
GetTestsDone · 10/03/2025 13:44

My sister makes digs like this all the time. For years I would overthink and wonder what she meant and what I had done wrong. When I was mid-30s, I realised this was all about her issues and nothing to do with me and gave her loaded comments no more thought. It was liberating.

Original poster
affordingit · 10/03/2025 13:44

MistyF · 10/03/2025 13:40

Maybe she thinks you're middle class and looks down on you? Maybe she's still subconsciously jealous on you?
How many children you and your sister have?

One each

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 10/03/2025 13:47

Does it actually matter? You’re overthinking this. Even if it was a dig, so what? It seems you have different priorities re what you spend your money on and that’s perfectly fine. You’re allowed to be different.

Meadowfinch · 10/03/2025 13:51

Does it matter?

Maybe they have a huge mortgage or expensive PCP on cars. All of those things are choices.

They make their choices, you make yours. About houses, debts, car finance, and where you shop. You each manage your money in a way that suits your life style.

KrisAkabusi · 10/03/2025 15:16

Why do you let people live in your head like this? Who gives a shit what she was thinking? Nobody else probably even noticed anything. But you're thinking about something that happened at least yesterday, to the point of being annoyed at a comment you can't even remember! Let small shit like this go.

ItGhoul · 10/03/2025 15:25

This doesn't sound like a dig to me at all. It sounds like a lighthearted comment on supermarket prices, that's all.

When there were Christmas markets on in the city centre where I live, someone at work said 'Anyone fancy a drink at the Christmas markets after work?' and someone else said 'I don't know, have I got time to remortgage my house first?' in reference to the high prices. We all know each other's salary bands and the person who commented was one of the highest earners in the team, but nobody was offended or took it as a dig - it was just a light observation about the mad prices.

stayathomer · 10/03/2025 15:29

Maybe they actually can’t afford it, maybe he’s controlling with money (or they just watch it a lot), maybe they’re splitting up. I think we always assume everyone else has more than us

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/03/2025 15:30

To me It sounds more like she is saying she doesn't want to spend the extra money to shop there...I would say I dont buy my food at M and S as I can't afford it...in theory I could but I couldn't get as much for my shopping budget there and also wouldn't justify the extra when I'm happy with tesco, asda or aldi.

I dont think it was a dig at you.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 10/03/2025 15:31

This would be the end of the friendship for me. I would simply delete their contact information and never speak to them again.

Gizlotsmum · 10/03/2025 15:34

I suspect there is more to this than just that comment. That comment on its own ( without hearing the tone) didn’t seem to be aimed at anyone. Do you feel inferior to them?

5128gap · 10/03/2025 15:35

Do you think the dig was that you can't afford it either as you'd bought the yellow stickers? Or perhaps it was that you would know she could, so a private jibe? Either way, laughing to herself and giving you the side eye suggests there was something. If it were my DSis I'd ask her "Were you having a go the other day when you laughed and said you couldn't afford to shop at the new Waitrose?"

dafa · 10/03/2025 15:39

Unless there are other things at play in your relationship this is such a non issue.

As a PP said, I could afford to shop in Waitrose or marks but I don’t, I shop in Aldi most of the time. Sometimes I’ll pop to a more expensive one to get particular ingredients but if I said “I can’t afford to shop there” it would be just that. I can’t afford it.

Move on, don’t give the comment anymore thought.

MagicPharmacist · 10/03/2025 15:56

You know your sister.

Mine is a fucking nightmare for this, she is always looking for opportunities to have a dig. Conversations with her are such fucking hard work. She’s a very bitter woman who despite earning a fortune and spending more money than I’ll ever earn on her car and holidays is INSANELY insecure and jealous. She’s divorced and hasn’t had a relationship in over a decade.

We recently went out for dinner with the whole family (there are a fair few of us) and she was like a heat seeking missile. I don’t have a ‘real’ job, my husband will probably leave me for a younger woman, no one should ever get married as love isn’t real, poor people should work harder, our parents only stayed together for 50 years as they didn’t have a choice, all wrapped up in either a veneer of ‘hahaha aren’t I edgy’ or, as the wine flowed more, just as swipes. The audience here being one very newlywed couple, two long term married couples and our recently bereaved mother.

My advice depends on whether you have the energy to challenge it. I don’t these days so I just ignore, which has the effect of making her go for the jugular usually and bringing it from ‘dig’ level out into the open. And then I just rant/laugh about it later to people on the internet or my husband.

BadBerlin · 10/03/2025 16:09

What's the dig? Genuinely, I'm not seeing the insult.
At most maybe I could interpret a 'Whoo, get you money bags' but as she's better off thats unlikely, plus you were literally talking about bargain hunting.

Caveat: I don't have siblings. Others seem prepared to go NC so maybe that's relevant?

Ellie1015 · 10/03/2025 16:25

Probably she didn't mean anything by it. Or she is conscious she earns loads and trying to sound "normal"

I wouldn't waste anymore headspace on it. If it is an issue then it is her issue not yours.

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 10/03/2025 16:28

MagicPharmacist · 10/03/2025 15:56

You know your sister.

Mine is a fucking nightmare for this, she is always looking for opportunities to have a dig. Conversations with her are such fucking hard work. She’s a very bitter woman who despite earning a fortune and spending more money than I’ll ever earn on her car and holidays is INSANELY insecure and jealous. She’s divorced and hasn’t had a relationship in over a decade.

We recently went out for dinner with the whole family (there are a fair few of us) and she was like a heat seeking missile. I don’t have a ‘real’ job, my husband will probably leave me for a younger woman, no one should ever get married as love isn’t real, poor people should work harder, our parents only stayed together for 50 years as they didn’t have a choice, all wrapped up in either a veneer of ‘hahaha aren’t I edgy’ or, as the wine flowed more, just as swipes. The audience here being one very newlywed couple, two long term married couples and our recently bereaved mother.

My advice depends on whether you have the energy to challenge it. I don’t these days so I just ignore, which has the effect of making her go for the jugular usually and bringing it from ‘dig’ level out into the open. And then I just rant/laugh about it later to people on the internet or my husband.

Oh god, this reminds me of my uncle. The fucking miserable bastard. Three siblings: my dad, uncle and aunt (now deceased).

Both him and dad are wealthy, but he's a multimillionaire, whilst my dad is a 'mere' millionaire, so uncle sees him as some sort of pauper and is very oddly jealous and condescending towards him at the same time.

Like, uncle has multiple fancy cars. My dad has one, not uber fancy. He doesn't want more/sportscars. He recently upgraded and bought a decent SUV. Nothing super fancy, just a good decent car, new from a dealership. Uncle came to visit, huffed and puffed with 'ooh, look at you, Mr Moneybags!', 'Are you sure you need THIS??'. My dad is not a child but a man in his early 60s and he's not exactly poor, he can easily afford that car outright. Why doesn't he tell uncle to fuck off I'll never know.

Sorry to detail your thread, OP.

bettydavieseyes · 10/03/2025 16:30

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 10/03/2025 15:31

This would be the end of the friendship for me. I would simply delete their contact information and never speak to them again.

Huh? It was her sister!

RedHot2025 · 10/03/2025 16:33

KrisAkabusi · 10/03/2025 15:16

Why do you let people live in your head like this? Who gives a shit what she was thinking? Nobody else probably even noticed anything. But you're thinking about something that happened at least yesterday, to the point of being annoyed at a comment you can't even remember! Let small shit like this go.

Probably an overthinker. Very difficult to not do when you are one.

napody · 10/03/2025 16:43

Knittedfairies2 · 10/03/2025 13:40

Were you supposed to point out that she and her husband have more money than you? I think saying nothing at all is the way forward OP.

I agree with this as a possible interpretation- as you know your sister OP and if she 'stared you down' it clearly wasn't nothing.

Whose group of friends are they? Who's known them longer? Was she hoping you'd say how rich she is to the group?

GloriousGoosebumps · 10/03/2025 16:48

Well if she was trying to get a rise out of you, you gave the best possible reaction by not reacting. That would have spoilt her fun. Of course, she may just decide to have a dig at you the next time you meet up... My advice would be to continue ignoring her and enjoy watching her ramp it up until she looks a fool.

BunnyLake · 10/03/2025 16:56

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 10/03/2025 15:31

This would be the end of the friendship for me. I would simply delete their contact information and never speak to them again.

It’s her sister.

Bit dramatic especially in light of your name 😁

tallhotpinkflamingo · 10/03/2025 17:00

The people who do this are always either people who have massively overstretched themselves with what they can afford and have secret debts, or people who are well-off enough but don't think they are.

I have friends who live in a massive house and say things like that, and I'm just like "Sorry I can afford nice steak because I live in a £500/m terrace Janet." I choose to spend my money on food and not having a stressfully high mortgage and they could have chosen to do the same but didn't. It's just people choosing to spend their money in different ways. The vast majority of people could have their heating on the recommended 22 degrees all winter and pay for a £40 dentist checkup but claim they can't - for most it's because they've chosen to spend the money elsewhere.