Claiming to not be able to afford it - it’s just a dig, isn’t it?

[affordingit]

Sitting with a group of friends (including my sister). We were talking about all sorts but the conversation moved to food shopping. One of my friends asked me if I’d been to the newly opened higher end supermarket. I said I had after work and that we’d got some amazing yellow sticker items for the freezer. My sister declared ‘I don’t go there personally. I can’t afford it’ and laughed to herself but I could see peripherally she was looking at me the whole time. She and BIL are very big earners and way outearn me and DH, which she will know. I was left feeling awkward and didn’t really know what to respond with. It kind of dampened the conversation too. What could her intention here be - anything other than to show me up? I don’t feel I could confront her as she would downplay it and say I’m taking meaning from it that wasn’t there/making things up. It was less that she said it and more how she stared me down as she did.

It's her problem if it was a dig and I'd either ignore it completely or get her a gift card from the shop in question for her birthday or christmas.

Killing with kindness and all that 😂

She's your sister. You tell us!

Just say never mind sis

Doesn't sound like a dig to me. I've said I couldn't afford to shop at certain supermarkets, I've never considered if the people I've said it I'm front of earn more or less than me. I also probably could afford it but saying I can't is quicker and simpler than saying I can get the food I want at a good enough quality from another supermarket so chose not to expand my food budget and reduce my leisure/savings budget to shop at a more expensive supermarket.

We have a family member like that. Couldn’t possibly afford the things we buy. Their income is more than triple ours with no mortgage and what feels like 20 holidays a year.

But they are always so shocked that we happened to buy an expensive vacuum (shark) that we got a new bbq as they are so expense they just buy a gazzilion throw away ones a year.

My sil manages to say something similar every time I see her

With the "amazing yellow sticker items for the freezer" and the "I don’t go there personally. I can’t afford it" it sounds like competitive self pity.

I wouldn't read too much into it. It doesn't matter how much either of you earn you will have different outgoings and personal priorities.

I don’t see the dig.
Friend asks has anyone shopped at supermarket X
You say yea got some yellow sticker deals
Sister says nah can’t afford to go there

???? Where is the dig? Imagine she’d answered before you

Friend asks has anyone shopped at supermarket X
Sister says nah can’t afford to go there
You say yea got some yellow sticker deals

And sister is all like, man she had a dig at me implying I can’t shop for good deals and she is so much better as she makes the effort to be there to snap up yellow sticker deals.

I don’t how people can live like this seeing things that aren’t there.

This. Best reaction is no reaction. Pretend you didn't even notice.

That sounds awful. She must be horribly envious of you.

She's your sister.

Surely you would say "don't be daft <sister's name>, you and BIL earn far more than us"

Sounds like she's doing a one downmanship response to your yellow sticker comment.

I’d just have said “yeah it seemed expensive, that’s why I just got some yellow sticker stuff’ and then smoothly moved the conversation on.

You've definitely over thought this!

Well if OP had said that, it would definitely be a dig at her sister!

I would interpret that comment, along with the staring down, as her implying that you're a spendthrift. It's not a particularly pleasant thing to say, is it? Ignoring was probably the best approach. If it dampened the conversation as well then clearly others thought it was a bit weird too.

Perhaps she felt you were playing poor/having a dig by saying you got reduced stuff in there.

This is the sort of thing my brother would say, he would basically be having a dig at me and saying I’m wasteful and frivolous. If he can’t afford it, then I shouldn’t be able to, and therefore I’m so irresponsible with money

I don’t see how it’s a dig at you at all. Weird thing to think.

I told my SIL that I couldn’t afford a Chinese on the weekend after she told me she got one, it wasn’t a dig at her I am just trying to save money by cooking at home. My husband makes more money than hers. I didn’t even give it a second thought she might take it as some sort of insult or dig at her.

She might have been goading. Best to ignore.

I’m wondering if those who aren’t seeing the dig are either very naive or just haven’t come across people like this.

There’s some people who like to make sure everyone knows they go to Lidl/aldi and feel superior living a frugal lifestyle while being totally unaware that shopping with Ocado means I get my food delivery price matched with Tesco and a voucher for the difference on the rare occasions Tesco was cheaper. I get M&S food and everything! It works out cheaper than my old Asda shop too. It’s a performance, just ignore.

Was it a waitrose? In my experience high earners have this real thing about if a poorer relative goes into a waitrose (maybe just to pick up one thing, or as a one off treat because it's cheaper than going to a restaurant or to look for end of day deals). If the poor relative then can't afford something later on the 'well maybe you would be able to afford it if you didn't shop in waitrose, even I don't shop there' thing gets trotted out forever.

High earners, again in my experience, often think smaller incomes are always down to personal choices.

I know two people like this: kids in private school, big cars etc. I think they try and pretend they’re having money worries in a misguided attempt to cover up the fact they’re actually filthy rich. Perhaps they feel guilty/embarassed? No idea. It’s definitely about them though and not a dig at others. It’s weird but I just laugh and roll my eyes. I was brought up to not mention money at all, whether someone has more or less than I do I don’t care at all.

Why mention money at all there though? It might not be having a dig but it's a bit self-pitying and buzz-killing. The correct response is "Lovely, enjoy your food."

Thanks but I don’t need you to tell me the correct response. I didn’t jump straight to that when she first told me. We had a whole conversation about Chinese food and our favourite dishes and at the end I said “I’m craving one now, but trying to save for the house so can’t afford it”. Is that okay with you?!

do you get any benefits? Any chance it was a ride dig that you have for “free” money?