To think I'll be a bit of a "loner" for the rest of my life?.

[Isitameproblem]

I go through phases, but clearly I like the idea of having friends but not the reality.

I ultimately find friendships complicated (or maybe the only two that I have are), I have no real desire to use my free time to meet new people, and I work remotely so I don't have the daily interaction.

It doesn't help that I've moved quite a bit, (moved the UK 16 years ago) and have worked remotely for the past 13, so I really haven't had the chance to meet anyone through work

As long as you’re happy OP, then there’s nothing wrong with being a bit of a loner. Are you happy with things the way they are?

It’s not up to anyone other than you to manage your social life.

Plenty of people enjoy solitude and are very self sufficient. If that’s how you operate then go for it.

What I would say though is that it’s important to have a couple of close friends who understand you and can give you a bit of perspective on your life. Particularly if you’re in a family setup.

You don’t say if you have a SO or children. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you only need your spouse: lots of women do this and end up trapped and alienated in middle age.

You don’t need to be a massive extrovert but some external contact is worth trying to cultivate.

Well that's the thing I don't think anybody really understands me that's actually geographically close to me.

When I had a cancer scare, almost divorced my DH, and my DD basically got herself into tons of trouble, I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone IRL, yes I remember crying to both of my other friends who are still back home, but it's not like they can come and give me a cuddle.

I find the two friends that I have not necessarily judgemental (well one kind of is), but I don't feel like I could empty my soul to them so to speak.

Are you happy with things the way they are?

But this is the question you haven’t really answered?

If you’re not happy with the way things are then changing it is going to take effort. It’s hard. New friends and social support doesn’t just drop into your lap as you get older.

If you’re not happy and did want to change it then there are two parts to it. One is looking at why you have difficulties with relationships and that might involve accessing some sort of counselling or psychotherapy. The second is the practical side of meeting new people which might involve joining things (Meetup, other local activities, online friending) or making more of existing connections.

But if you’re ok with things as they are then you’re probably not going to want to do that.

If you want friends you need to work at it like a full time job. I do.
I have also moved around a lot and several of my close friends have moved away or emigrated. I also WFH.
I have joined about 5 clubs ( Meetup, Fb) and I am constantly putting myself out there. It takes time.

The honest answer is that I don't know.

The reality is that I find it more frustrating and stressful trying to keep the friendships afloat than the "benefit" I get from them. One of them I find tiring to navigate what's "polite" and how I don't feel they take my personal circumstances in consideration at all. The other one I never know if it's a true friendship or if there's "some profit" in the back of their mind. (We've bought a couple of things from them).

The issues you describe are major. I think lots of people would turn to professional help to really bare their soul about deeply personal problems, and turn to friends to help distract from them or take a break from ruminating about them. As I get older I appreciate superficial friendship more - a quick coffee or dog walk, going to the cinema or having lunch, and using that time to relax and have a laugh. Heart to hearts can burn through the energy in a friendship and make it burdensome, so I rely on counselling for that sort of thing.
Would you feelbetter if you had more casual local friendships? People yo just relax with, nothing too deep, but actually very valuable.

Yeah but I found the whole idea boring, I find people frustrating, or that I have to be someone I'm not, etc...

I know it's very normal to try and mask according to the circumstances but, what's the point of it really?

But why do you have to ‘be someone you’re not’? Why and what are you ‘masking’ — are you saying you’re neurodivergent?

It might be that you have some sort of neuro diversity going on as well. Good luck whatever you decide.

Xpost StillLifeWithEggs :)

I'm under investigation yes... But some of my interests are niche, and some of my opinions would be too. I find talking about my own DC not boring, but not something I would choose to talk about.

I much prefer talking about current affairs, which in itself is not odd, but not the most common topic at the school gate. I also do tend to have some unpopular opinions, so ultimately I can't be myself.

So then don't? I don't find most people frustrating or annoying. Some, yes.

Oh and you are not unusual in not talking about your DC. I don't ever. I talk about books, theatre, film, heritage...

That doesnt make me ND! I never mask. I find people who share my niche interests.

Honestly, we need to let go of the idea that everyone is ND if they don't want to talk about their kids or drink or do mainstream stuff.

@Isitameproblem "I know it's very normal to try and mask according to the circumstances but, what's the point of it really?"

do you mean the sort of normal "oiling the social wheels" so to speak? So the general bit of formal politeness that you need when you initially meet people?

I am currently doing the meeting people thing and I can really see that people find this frustrating. sometimes you can literally see them at the moment where they switch off and give up and can't do it anymore.

I'm actually quite good at it, but I seem to have become an oddity. Which is weird because it makes me feel even more isolated, the fact that people don't have basic social skills anymore. Or maybe they always had them and now they hate using them and they don't feel that they have to hide it anymore? and then I wonder why I bothered to go out and meet people! How @Lentilweaver is coping with putting lots of time into it - I take my hat off to you.

I think you need to really think about whether or not you need to do this. But if you don't actually want friends, I'm not sure why you would put yourself through it.

No friendship is going to arrive 100% ready cooked - so you do have to go through a bit of that in order to find a match, so to speak.

btw you say your current friends don't respect what you've been through. How does that show itself?

I've never been able to, at least not locally.

and to kiss so many "frogs" to see if I can connect with someone, just thinking of it makes me feel frustrated. Also my DC says that I make faces all the time (too transparent) so I have to try to keep a "neutral face".

This x 100.

As long as it’s a choice, and a choice you’re happy with, then cool. Are you looking for approval from others with this thread? Can’t tell.

There are unpopular opinions and then there are offensive opinions. There is no need to share every single opinion that’s in your head, very few people do. As it’s anonymous on here why not write what you think would be unpopular, try us.

To meet people for any form of lasting relationship means casting your net far and wide. In 6 walking groups I have joined over the last few years I have made 3 really good friends. There were plenty of ok people but we socialise out of the walking group. Am about to introduce husbands and then in the summer my mate who has a newer BF we will be off to the cricket together

As long as you're happy, op? This is all that matters. Some peoples social metres get fuller quicker than others, and that's okay. Socialising can be draining and exhausting. Some hate their own company, others like it, and some can be anywhere in between. Everybody has their own "normal." You don't need to conform to society's expectations of what is acceptable. Do what suits you.

It all started with my birthday last year, she tried to make an effort (that I genuinely didn't want) and ended up imposing herself with my idea of hell.

Then they invited us to some random free film (we hang out as married couples), but we'd need childcare for that (it was a weekday) and they know we only have more flexibility around the weekends.

Or I mentioned how I'd never ever go back to Spain again (been there three times, all three times I've been subject to racist remarks) and then they go on to suggest going there on holiday :/

I just hate the NHS it should be burned down, no excuses. The whole system is crap (I can go on for days on this).

I'm Jewish and I do find that we cry wolf about antisemitism all the time, and that were incredibly hypocritical when it comes to Gaza / the West Bank. (Although I believe Israel has a right to exist as a two-state solution). Believe it or not that's not a very common belief, at least not in my local small community.

Quite frankly the UK is in decadence I really don't know what's the alternative, but I don't think it offers true quality of life.

Benefits are a minefield and they should also have some sort of safety net for the middle class.

Money can definitely buy you happiness, at least get you very close to it.

I definitely love at least one of my dogs the same (but different) as my children.

I enjoy my solitude too. I work from home. I only seem to know men where I live! Three women friends all moved away.

Pay for private than, problem solved! Leave the NHS to the rest of us who appreciate free healthcare. You're derailing your own thread here, or is your aim to make it political under the guise of something else?

I totally and 100% would, but I have to travel 3+ hours to find most specialists. What happens is that I simply don't go to the GP (unless it's an emergency/ life or death situation) and for general/chronic care I just wait to fly home and get it sorted out over there.

It took 12 years for the NHS to do anything about my diagnosis (which they didn't BTW) I got fed up and stayed an extended period of time at home and jumped all the necessary hoops over there. It took 12 weeks, not years!

Hmmm..
I am an ethnic minority too. I have some unpopular opinions but I don't always reveal them. I dont see that as masking.

Most political issues are quite complicated, and maybe can't be discussed entirely in a book club or at the theatre. I would look for better venues to discuss those. Maybe a Meetup that discusses current affairs?

I socialise singly because DH is an introvert and his job drains him. He'a happy that way though.