To think I'll be a bit of a "loner" for the rest of my life?.

[Isitameproblem]

I go through phases, but clearly I like the idea of having friends but not the reality.

I ultimately find friendships complicated (or maybe the only two that I have are), I have no real desire to use my free time to meet new people, and I work remotely so I don't have the daily interaction.

It doesn't help that I've moved quite a bit, (moved the UK 16 years ago) and have worked remotely for the past 13, so I really haven't had the chance to meet anyone through work

So you chose to have a baby 5 years a go in a country you hate, knowing full well this would prevent you from going back to your home country which you love, okay.

Yeah possibly! My only "school gate" friend has an inkling for the same type of cinema, but you know I find it hard to figure out when to move it to a cafe/bar/dinner

That's the onus I don't meet people randomly like at all. Speaking of randomly the only other person Ive met in the wild who likes the same band is because I met him at a Subway (that's was 14 years ago!)

I just wanted to clarify that I don't go and say "I want to burn the NHS down" even though it's kind of true. I only say that to people who are canvassing and like to tell me how wonderful it is.

For the most part it's a private matter that only those who are very close to me know. It's not like it comes up in conversation if at all, but you know I definitely feel very strongly about it.

I always think of myself of that Franz Ferdinand that goes and says...

I charm you and tell you
Of the boys I hate, all the girls I hate, all the words I hate
All the clothes I hate, how I'll never be anything I hate
You smile, mention something that you like

I feel like I could come across as that, so instead I just talk about my dog or their lives instead, because "interested is interesting".

Are you from Spain op? I wondered, because I have friends there.

Nope, as I mentioned before, unless I really have no option I have zero desire to go there at all and subject myself to racist remarks.

🎤 there is no nation of you, there is no nation of me🎤

anyone else remember when you could post loads of lyrics on MN without being told off?! It was fun then.

Which country are you from? It sounds wonderful.

No advice but solidarity. Switch between wanting friends and resenting having to even reply as it drains me. 100% a me problem.

I’m in a similar boat and I don’t know what’s wrong with me 😂 I’m fully the problem. Maybe subconsciously we don’t want it that bad - but then why do we feel lonely all the time?!

Don't know! But I'm glad I'm not the only one. I find it draining (but also sad that only my DC would go to my funeral).

It also makes me wonder if I distil being a bad person (which I'm not)

Well, do they tour? Go to a gig? I met someone at an outdoor gig by one of my favourite bands two summers ago who’s since become a good friend — we started talking when a violent storm meant the bass amp blew up and the concert had to end prematurely.

Many people don’t meet friends ‘randomly’ beyond school/university/work. If you don’t have those to draw on, then you need to go out and put yourself into places where you’re more likely to meet people you like. I like arthouse cinema, and go to a cinema club in a local FE college which has a fortnightly film with wine afterwards. I like opera, and met two people I vaguely recognised as friends of friends at one of those Met opera relays at a local cinema. We got talking in the interval, one of them offered me a lift, and now we often go to classical music things together.

What I’m saying is that it’s perfectly possible to put yourself out there and look for friends without pretending to be something you’re not. Only you can decide if you want to do it enough.

I have family and friends (some of whom I like 😂), none of them will be at my funeral though. I'm having a direct cremation. People I love and who love me can gather to scatter my ashes. People whom I didn't like, and who habitually didn't bother their arse though, faux mourning me at a service? No thank you.

I only hang out now with people I feel at peace around. I've slow faded friends and family with whom I didn't feel at peace around. It makes for a relatively small circle, but quality is better than quantity!

At this pace would only be my DH and DC (and exH if he could cope with seeing my DH)

I do like classical music and would love to go to the Opera/Ballet but it's all a massive trek for us, that's really a mini break.

For example Beck is touring (with an orchestra) and really wanted to go but there was the logistics of the 5yo and because my DH wanted to see him too, it was seen as "unfair" that I'd get to go but not him, so nobody is going in the end. (I know that's more a DH problem).

I don't mind going on my own to the cinema/concerts/museums if anything I prefer it because I can make the most of it in my own ways.

Op if you’re happy with your life that’s all anyone ever wants!

But check whether your local cinema does opera or ballet relays from the ROH and the Met — I used to go to every production at the ROH and ENO when I lived in London, but these days, while I do go to any touring opera, mostly I go to cinema relays. That’s not a ‘mini-break’, it’s the price of a cinema ticket.

And surely you find a babysitter or both see Beck on different dates?

Toss a coin, whoever wins gets to see Beck. I reckon you're just overthinking life. You're content in your solitude, other people don't need to understand or approve of how you choose to live your life 🤷‍♀️

It's because we'd need to stay overnight plus all the travel expenses... So with two tickets( £250), plus fuel, plus hotel, plus meals you end up looking at the very least at £750.

For my favourite band I'm going on my own, because it's the only fair thing to do (my DH is going to London to see his with all the added costs, he's going with his brother).

Ok, forget Beck! See an opera or ballet at the local cinema!

It's a recurrent theme, because we have similar interests we often want to do the same thing but can't do because one has to look after the 5yo.

That's how I missed a half marathon, almost missed a group cycle last year, and how I've missed Beck (by the time I had decided I would go on my own or had already been sold out).

If a babysitter isn't an option, then take it in turns to go to things. Where there's a will there's a way. Sounds like you're being a martyr tbh, and have likely become entrenched in making excuses.

Apart from the half marathon there's always a cost attached to it, and because of where we live it's always at least £300 for one of us to go.

But no, I don't like being a martyr, sometimes it just doesn't line up. A band I really love (named my DD after them) came on tour for the very first time, but it was only two weeks before our already planned trip to London for another band. I could not justify the extra expense, when we were already spending on a concert that was mostly "mine".

A French lady that I love is coming in October again only London, but because I'm waiting for my favourite band to announce their tour, I'm putting that one in the back burner. Plus we're already taken one DC to see Lana and another one to see Sabrina.

I can't justify spending so much £££ just chasing bands.

Sounds like you will be a loner, make peace with it.

People are draining and boring most of the time, or can be daft and judgemental and turn into tone police, if u want to avoid all that, it means you must entertain yourself.

The people with lots of friends are typically quite immature, with immature gangs of similar people. The more analytical you are, the less patience you have for group dynamics.

I ve drifted from a lot of friends, they ve become quite bitter and resentful or are living very different lives to me. Drug use and mental health problems and mid life crisis impact on the ability to maintain friendships.

I think surface levels socialising buddies are handy.

That really says far more about your misanthropy than people who don’t struggle with friendships.

Sounds like you're busy with engagements, busier than most probably!
Embrace the fact that you prefer your own company, and enjoy life 🙂

That made me giggle, I sometimes call myself a Misanthrope (after Moliere's play).

My parents are of the same ideas BTW, neither had deep friendships (apart from this one).

The same can be said about my maternal grandmother.... She once said about her sister "my sister is so lucky to be surrounded by a flock of idiots".