DH doesn't want me to breastfeed newborn when I'm sick

[Mamma2452]

Our older child started vomiting this morning. I breast fed my newborn a lot that morning in the hope of getting antibodies into her. About 6h later I was sick too and in no state to breastfeed so I rested on my own.

Now both older child and me are not vomiting, feeling better, just tired. I've pumped for newborn but she is very unsettled with DH. Newborn is having more dirty nappies than usual but not vomiting herself.

DH doesn't want me to breastfeed her directly. He won't let me hold her. He says if there's a chance she's not sick then it's best not to risk it. My thoughts are that our infectious period probably started well before we were sick, so she's already been exposed to the bug. As she has virtually no immune system she probably is already sick and would benefit from the comfort of breastfeeding.

The advice I've read says it's safe to breastfeed when ill. I don't know if DH is being unreasonable. I feel so upset hearing her crying in another room but I don't know what's the right thing to do. It's not we'll have any idea when I will no longer be infectious. Additionally I have struggled with low supply for the last few weeks and worked really hard build it up. I'm worried it's at risk now if I don't breastfeed my baby.

He's a scientist but is oddly very sceptical of medical advice, preferring to go with his gut feeling over established NHS advice.

You've had literally a sentence on the dad's behaviour. 'Let" is OP's word, not his. "DH doesn't want me to breastfeed her directly. He won't let me hold her. He says if there's a chance she's not sick then it's best not to risk it."

Unless you happen to know more, stranger on the internet, then calm down.

You had 14 words that describe what her husband is doing. Chill out, you have no evidence of 'control'.

Batch cooking while there is D&V in the house?! 🥴🤢

The DH is ignoring the best available evidence driven advice in favour of his intestines.

Someone that irrational isn't in a fit state to be making decisions about care of a newborn, let alone enforcing them on the woman (risk of mastitis) or the child (loss of immunity protection).

If I had a £1 for every anxious mum skeptical or ignorant of medical literature too in the face of a risk to their newborn, I'd be very rich indeed – even my MN posts alone, which are littered with 'go with your gut' responses.

From a knee jerk point of view without looking at the big picture "keep baby away from sick person" looks a sensible decision. On the flip side "Keep baby away from source of nutrition, comfort and protection" is a bad decision. Why was he unable to see past the knee jerk reaction?

I think his reaction came from a place of concern and fear that a decision he/we make could harm the baby. I think he would have argued that he could provide the nutrition (as we're mixed feeding), comfort (baby does settle with him usually) and protection (keeping baby away from a sick person is protecting them). He said today that he couldn't settle the baby last night and couldn't understand why, and when I said "she was probably missing me" that seemed to be a surprise to him. 🙄 He's not usually so emotionally lacking, but his thinking can be a bit blocked sometimes.

I think also he doesn't trust my judgement, even though it is entirely informed by medical sources like the NHS. ☹️ I could argue about antibodies but I'm not an immunologist and I can't answer every question he has about them, and he wasn't inclined to look these things up himself. I think what I could have used was a reliable resource that says the risk of transmission is low when breastfeeding and the benefits of breastfeeding also outweigh this risk. But actually in the end he saw how upset I was and he was also tired from the whole day and he stopped objecting.

There are a lot of comments that he is not a good scientist. He is good about technical things - he's smart, logical, curious, and is always looking things up. But our first child has some specific issues and I think because of information overload he won't look at resources I share anymore until it becomes necessary. I do think that a lot of it stems from a willing ignorance about medical things, until it becomes necessary, and relying on personal experience.

Families cannot, should not and must not isolate from each other in the same house.

When COVID started, DH tested positive and isolated himself in a bedroom for a week. DC and I didn't get it. So isolating in that case did work. Maybe his feelings about isolating stem from that, even though a respiratory illness is not the same as a stomach bug.

When COVID started, DH tested positive and isolated himself in a bedroom for a week

You're married to a controlling lunatic.

The isolation when he has Covid (especially at the start of the pandemic) sounds very sensible

You as his wife, a woman could not possibly be as educated and informed as him on any subject, as he is a man, an educated man.

His attitude and lack of respect for you is horrible. His brutal separation of breastfed newborn and breastfeeding mother was despicable and unforgiveable.

You're a very tolerant and patient woman to put up with him as your husband.

Agree. He won’t trust your mother’s instincts or respect you enough to make equal decisions about your own baby. This is very scary behaviour. He was surprised the baby might miss you..? Girl.

Agree. It is terrifying to me that “he wouldn’t let you have your baby”

Nobody could have stopped me going to get my baby if they were crying and needed me.

I think you need some counselling OP to raise yourself up a bit. I honestly think he’s making you doubt yourself so much that you are in danger of losing any kind of power over yourself.

Scientist aside it should always be enough for OP to say “I am the mother, I also get to make this decision.”

Even if he doesn’t have all the facts, want to believe, or trust the decision. He does have to concede that he is not “in charge” of the situation and believe OP isn’t going to make decisions to harm their baby. He doesn’t get to say “no”

do get it, the depth of knowledge I have in my specialist area it's hard not to full into deep holes of research trying to reach the same level of knowledge or avoidance and say I can't know enough to make an informed decision.

It's slightly concerning that he hadn't considered that baby might miss mum. How is he coping with having two children? Is this rigid thinking typical of him? I'm just wondering if he's a bit burnt out of struggling with the juggle and it's impacting his rational and critical thinking.

On the flip side, it could be concerning that he's not engaging with you when you have tried to express what you have learnt. Sure you might not have all the answers but it sounds like he was quite dismissive about your knowledge. My partner and I have different specialties and I do a lot more reading but we always listen to the other. We might then do our own reading and then disagree with the other but the starting point is always one of respect. It doesn't sound like he came to this situation with much respect of you. It could be he had a bad day but it might be worth reflecting on whether this is on a one off and having a discussion with him about this

He's a scientist but he can't get it through his head that you will give your baby antibodies?

He's a scientist who because of "information overload" would rather put his daughter MORE at risk because he can't be bothered to find out the (pretty simple) truth?

He sounds great. Sounds like he really respects you.

ANY man, anyone, who tried to keep my baby away from me for fucking dubious reasons would have felt the edge of a mother bear rage I'm not even ashamed of.
@Didimum how bad does one sentence have to be before its singular nature stops mattering? You can confess to murder in one sentence. 😂He won't LET a breastfeeding mother hold her child. You think that's okay? That's fucked up and of COURSE it is controlling.

I feel so upset hearing her crying in another room but I don't know what's the right thing to do. It's not we'll have any idea when I will no longer be infectious. Additionally I have struggled with low supply for the last few weeks and worked really hard build it up. I'm worried it's at risk now if I don't breastfeed my baby.

God this is heartbreaking. Don't let him sabotage the nursing relationship if you want it. Why does he get to act like he is the boss of both you and baby? Honestly this is worrying.

Certainly much worse than OP’s sentence.

This has done nothing to quell my concerns about this arrogant control freak.

Your DH is a prick who doesn’t understand how breastfeeding works.

This is very true.

Drink, rest and eat as much as possible and keep feeding as much as possible. (I’d go to bed with the baby if possible). Explain the benefits of breastfeeding to dh (presumably again!) and possibly work out how much £££s you’ll save by doing it and suggest a holiday in a years time on the savings.

do get it, the depth of knowledge I have in my specialist area it's hard not to full into deep holes of research trying to reach the same level of knowledge or avoidance and say I can't know enough to make an informed decision.

Yes this is it exactly.

It's slightly concerning that he hadn't considered that baby might miss mum. How is he coping with having two children? Is this rigid thinking typical of him? I'm just wondering if he's a bit burnt out of struggling with the juggle and it's impacting his rational and critical thinking.

Yes this is also spot on, he's burnt out from a few different things. Baby has been a bright spot to us though.

On the flip side, it could be concerning that he's not engaging with you when you have tried to express what you have learnt. Sure you might not have all the answers but it sounds like he was quite dismissive about your knowledge. My partner and I have different specialties and I do a lot more reading but we always listen to the other. We might then do our own reading and then disagree with the other but the starting point is always one of respect. It doesn't sound like he came to this situation with much respect of you. It could be he had a bad day but it might be worth reflecting on whether this is on a one off and having a discussion with him about this

It's a bit of both - yes, a bad day, not thinking things through. And most of the time he is willing to listen and he will change his mind. But dismissing what I know or what I am trying to show him from other scientific experts is not a one-off either, it happens in a few consistent save key areas in our life, and we have the same argument over and over even when I have science on my side. I think because he is not reading what I'm reading, he is never truly convinced I'm right.

This time my feelings did win out in the end so he must have had some doubt in his mind. I'm going to talk to him about the fourth trimester and appeal to him emotionally rather than scientifically this time.

You're still supposed to feed. I had noro when dd was 9 months and I carried on feeding as normal. I don't remember her catching it.

@Mamma2452 it's sounds like a bit of a pressure cooker situation. It's always an adjustment when a new baby comes along and everyone can easily end up a bit frazzled and not making the best decisions. I hope you are starting to feel better and can then have a productive chat with him about a few things this illness has highlighted and nip them in the bud, it's important to take care of everyone's emotional health and maybe that has been slipping. The fourth trimester can be hard on everyone.
Best of luck!

Perhaps. He certainly can't comprehend the special mother baby dyad. Which is a thing. A thing he won't be able to rationalise. He just has to learn to trust you.