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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to break up with a man that loves me deeply?

56 replies

Confusedkelp · 09/03/2025 21:21

I’m 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He loves me a lot, and is very affectionate. We have lots of amazing times together and he often makes me laugh.

However, I’m not very attracted to him a lot of the time. I have to force myself to sleep with him, rather than actively wanting to and looking forward to it. He also snaps very quickly sometimes and can be moody and cold. He has PTSD, which fuels a lot of this behaviour. I feel bad about it because I know it’s not in his control, but I never know which version of him I’m going to get.

im also concerned because we have very different desires in some ways. I love travelling, whereas it makes him anxious and he travels under sufferance because I like it. We both live in London together, but I want one day to move back up north to be nearer to my family when we have kids. But he refuses to even talk about moving, because he said his friends are in London and he doesn’t want to think about leaving them.

im not sure what to do. We have so much fun together on many occasions, and my family and friends really like him. I’m also worried that I won’t ever find anyone else and I’ll regret breaking up with him. So AIBU to break up with a man who really loves me?

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 09/03/2025 21:26

You’re so young. There is no need to settle for a relationship with someone you don’t fancy, who is often moody and cold, who is scared by the things that bring you joy, and who isn’t on board with major life plans that mean a lot to you.

He may love you deeply, but - to put it very bluntly - that’s not your problem or responsibility. It doesn’t mean that you need to let his anxiety and mental health issues run your life, or that his fears & troubles & aversions are more important than your desires and enthusiasms.

You’ve got so much vitality, you can have a lovely life. You will meet someone better suited if you just allow yourself to take your own happiness seriously. Don’t throw it away into this bottomless pit of a relationship.

Waterlilysunset · 09/03/2025 21:27

Lots of things wrong that you wouldn’t be able to fix. Next!!

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 21:28

You want different things, long term and you have to force yourself to sleep with him? How is this ever going to end happily?

You’re 26. You’re too young to be feeling like this.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/03/2025 21:33

Oh no. This is not working. You’re young and should fancy your partner.

When you’re perimenopausal, knackered, 20 odd
years together with kids, worries and stresses you may go off the sex but not when your 26.

You will both find someone youre more suited to.
See it as a good thing to let him find someone who loves him. And a good thing to yourself not to settle.

Darkdiamond · 09/03/2025 21:33

End it.

Maitri108 · 09/03/2025 21:36

Why are you in a relationship with someone who has mood swings and you force yourself to sleep with? Are you afraid of being alone? Don't you want good sex and stability?

kungfoofighting · 09/03/2025 21:38

What’s more important is how you feel about him.

I think you should move on.

Pleatherandlace · 09/03/2025 21:38

You don’t want the same things in life, don’t leave it to drift for another ten years because you’re not sure if you’ll find someone else.
let this one go and move on quickly.

Beebsta · 09/03/2025 21:39

VoltaireMittyDream · 09/03/2025 21:26

You’re so young. There is no need to settle for a relationship with someone you don’t fancy, who is often moody and cold, who is scared by the things that bring you joy, and who isn’t on board with major life plans that mean a lot to you.

He may love you deeply, but - to put it very bluntly - that’s not your problem or responsibility. It doesn’t mean that you need to let his anxiety and mental health issues run your life, or that his fears & troubles & aversions are more important than your desires and enthusiasms.

You’ve got so much vitality, you can have a lovely life. You will meet someone better suited if you just allow yourself to take your own happiness seriously. Don’t throw it away into this bottomless pit of a relationship.

Edited

First post nails it.

Don’t settle just because he seems to adore you. You are far too young to not be interested in sex with your partner. If it’s not apppealing now, once you have kids or peri menopause, you will find yourself in a sexless marriage.

It sounds like you have nothing in common and you & he are using his PTSD to excuse his bad behaviour.

Honestly? At 26 don’t waste another moment of your one precious life on him. You should be enjoying your freedom and living your best life. You live in London, where you can travel anywhere at the drop of a hat and have so many options and opportunities for fun and excitement available to you. Don’t waste your carefree 20s on this man. You will regret it.

Lavender14 · 09/03/2025 21:39

Ah op that's hard, but if the relationship isn't working for you then I agree with pps you need to end it. You say you have to force yourself to sleep with him - that's awful for both of you. It sounds like you both want very very different things out of life so one way or another this will either come to an end, or there's years of resentment ahead.

JMSA · 09/03/2025 21:41

Gosh, you must end it. You owe it to yourself and to him.
You can't stay with someone just because you're scared you won't find better. Healthy relationships don't work like that.
Besides, you're still so young!

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/03/2025 21:42

You need to end things girl, you're not into him and if he's being moody and snappy, he can probably tell

You're young anyway, you'll find love. But its wrong to stay with someone that you don't want, because of how decent they are

ouipamplemousse · 09/03/2025 21:45

You don’t fancy him. Of course you need to finish it. Him loving you makes that all the more important to end it because it’s not an equal relationship.

And if that wasn’t enough, the moodiness and not being willing to talk about things that are important to you are also reasons to finish it.

Time to move on.

mrsfollowill · 09/03/2025 21:49

You should be all over each other in the bedroom at this stage- not making yourself do it for him. This is not the right relationship for you. Take it from someone who has been married a long time you will hit dry spells along the way- especially in peri but the memories of the early days keep you strong until you get back on track. Don't accept so many compromises- this is the time of your life when it should be problem free and just damn good fun.

Original poster
Confusedkelp · 09/03/2025 21:59

Thank you everyone! I just really worry that I won’t ever find anyone who I truly love, and that loves me. He writes me long love letters, he keeps a diary where he writes down everything he loves about me. I just feel so guilty and nervous and scared of being alone and regretting ending it

OP posts:
Devianinc · 09/03/2025 22:30

If it’s not perfect now it’s not going to get better. Get out while you’re still so young. Why settle with meh when you don’t have too. Don’t keep him hanging on any longer than necessary also. Could cause bad feelings.

VoltaireMittyDream · 09/03/2025 22:30

Confusedkelp · 09/03/2025 21:59

Thank you everyone! I just really worry that I won’t ever find anyone who I truly love, and that loves me. He writes me long love letters, he keeps a diary where he writes down everything he loves about me. I just feel so guilty and nervous and scared of being alone and regretting ending it

This is manipulative behaviour from him, if you look closely at it.

Does it make you feel happy and loved up and frisky to read his love letters? Or do you feel slightly guilty and trapped, and a bit uncomfortable?

It’s not usual for people to write their partners love letters all the time and write in their diary about how much they love them. This is obsessive and objectivising at best, and performative at worst - with the aim of keeping you with him through guilt and obligation.

This is the classic ‘nobody will love you as much as I do’ tactic, and you’re feeling exactly like he wants you to feel: scared to end it, worried this might be as good as it gets / as much as you can expect, and fearful that you will never be loved.

You don’t want to find another man who does intense things like this. You want to find a man you fancy, who doesn’t clip your wings, and who has a lust for life that matches yours.

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 22:45

I just really worry that I won’t ever find anyone who I truly love, and that loves me Ok, so let’s think rationally about this. I don’t doubt that he has strong feelings for you, but he’s regularly snappy, moody and cold. Is all of that PTSD? Or is part of it just who he is? And, if so, what’s he doing about it so you aren’t subjected to it? And he knows you want to move back up north, but he’s made it clear that being near his friends is more important to him than you being near your family. Is that love? More importantly, if you have to force yourself to sleep with him, you are not in love with him. Yes, you might be fond of him. But this isn’t romantic love. What exactly would you be losing?

He writes me long love letters, he keeps a diary where he writes down everything he loves about me So what? I mean, it’s a grand gesture, but how much does it matter if he’s snappy, moody, cold and he doesn’t care what you want in your future; he won’t even consider giving it to you?

I just feel so guilty and nervous and scared of being alone and regretting ending You are not responsible for his happiness if it’s not making you happy too. And what if you are single for a while? You’ve got friends to have fun with and you never have to have sex you don’t want to have again. Why don’t you want to give yourself the chance to be happy? To want to tear the clothes off your partner because you fancy them so much? To agree on your future together? And he deserves that too, to have sex with someone whose flesh isn’t crawling at the thought of him. The second you end this, the over riding emotion you are going to feel is relief. We’ve all been there, guilt is never a reason to stay. You’re 26; you have all the time in the world.

We have so much fun together on many occasions, and my family and friends really like him I think you’ll find that they love you more than they like him. They want you to be happy and if you told them that you have to force yourself to be intimate with him, not one of them would want you to stay with him.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 09/03/2025 22:50

It is very possible to be in a relationship AND feel lonely. I think being in the wrong relationship is much lonelier than being single.
You cannot sign up to a lifetime of sex with someone you already don't fancy. You can't sign up to a lifetime of living away from your own family so that someone who snaps at you can live near his friends.
This isn't what love looks like. You're fond of him. You don't love him with your whole heart. He is not the father of your future children. Do you want them to have a father with an unreasonable temper?
You're just scared of what comes next. Because breaking up is hard and you're going to have to be the bad guy and nobody likes that. But you can't spend your whole life in the wrong place with the wrong person because in order to avoid some awkward conversations. You need to pull on your big girl pants.

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 01:36

You’ll never know until you try and don’t settle for maybe

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 10/03/2025 01:45

If you’re a kind person, it’s hard to leave someone who loves you. We don’t want to hurt them or ourselves. Everyone wants to be loved.

But the pain of leaving someone who isn’t right for you heals very quickly, whereas the pain of staying in the wrong relationship continues and gets worse.

As long as you stay, you’re both stuck in something that’s not going to work. Ending it will be kinder to both of you in the long run.

KimberleyClark · 10/03/2025 01:45

I think many would be moody and cold if they knew their partner whom they loved deeply was forcing themselves to sleep with them. I think you need to end this for both your sakes.

ViciousCurrentBun · 10/03/2025 01:52

You have to force yourself to sleep with him. That’s just wrong on so many levels. It’s over before it started.

BridgetJonesesOwl · 10/03/2025 01:53

You are young & you are settling. Both of you deserve to be with someone who you love deeply & loves you deeply back.
Let the boyfriend go & be with someone you love not pity.
Life is short so make the most of it!

OfficerChurlish · 10/03/2025 02:05

You've mentioned how much he loves you a few times, but never said that YOU are deeply, romantically in love with him. Even if you are, though, he doesn't sound like the right life partner for you. So, of course you're not unreasonable to end the relationship, no matter how badly that may initially hurt (him and you). You're a person, not a support system for another person. Live your life on your terms, not on someone else's who isn't even willing to discuss a difficult compromise.