AIBU to break up with a man that loves me deeply?

[Confusedkelp]

I’m 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He loves me a lot, and is very affectionate. We have lots of amazing times together and he often makes me laugh.

However, I’m not very attracted to him a lot of the time. I have to force myself to sleep with him, rather than actively wanting to and looking forward to it. He also snaps very quickly sometimes and can be moody and cold. He has PTSD, which fuels a lot of this behaviour. I feel bad about it because I know it’s not in his control, but I never know which version of him I’m going to get.

im also concerned because we have very different desires in some ways. I love travelling, whereas it makes him anxious and he travels under sufferance because I like it. We both live in London together, but I want one day to move back up north to be nearer to my family when we have kids. But he refuses to even talk about moving, because he said his friends are in London and he doesn’t want to think about leaving them.

im not sure what to do. We have so much fun together on many occasions, and my family and friends really like him. I’m also worried that I won’t ever find anyone else and I’ll regret breaking up with him. So AIBU to break up with a man who really loves me?

This. 100% This.

@Confusedkelp being loved is very different to loving someone.

sounds patronising but you’re still very young you’ve got time to find your right person!

Life is too short for obligation sex, and ducking man-moods daily. Head up North to be with your folk, and find yourself a kind, happy lad who will make you smile every day. See how much you miss this moping, miserable man, then. You will of course miss him initially, our brains are wired for comfort not discomfort so you will put him on a pedestal retrospectively, but just remember that you once took to the internet in the middle of the night to ask women you'd never met before for help. No-one does that unless they are really unhappy. I bet in a couple of years time, you will look back and feel such relief for choosing a better life for yourself.

He sounds awful, OP. Clingy, obsessive, moody, bad-tempered and with poor MH? I don’t think so.

There’s a whole world out there. Explore it.

And don’t leap into another relationship too soon. Try to figure out what it is in your psyche that kept you dutifully having sex you had to force yourself into with a man you aren’t attracted to for two years!

This is what’s shocking in your OP, that you have chosen for two full years to prioritise his feelings over your own. Bluntly, so what if he loves you? So what if your family and friends like him? It’s your feelings you should be prioritising. Have some therapy.

OP, the real problem here is that you even needed to ask the question.

You're not attracted to him and you're incompatible both in terms of the lifestyle you want to live now, and the lifestyle you want in the future. Why are you in a relationship with him? Attraction and compatibility are fundamental to relationships. Without them there's no point. You need to ask yourself why you accepted a relationship that doesn't work for you on any level and how you can avoid it in the future.

I'm sure you do have a nice time with him sometimes and he makes you laugh. That applies to nearly all my friends. But I am not in a relationship with them because although they are great people who care for me, I am not attracted to them and we would not be compatible in a couple. Having a nice time with someone is not enough.

I was in a similar position when my first marriage ended. I met someone else. On paper he was perfect for me. He was also divorced with a DD the same age as mine. We laughed together a lot, got on well, had similar views and interests but on occasion he could be moody and distant and he would always say it was because of his ex and how she treated him. Looking from the outside everyone thought we were perfect together. He loved me and was good to me and he got on with my family. However, I just couldn't love him back. And I tried!! I wanted to love him and feel the same way about him but I just couldn't and didn't. I started to dread sleeping with him because I just wasn't sexually attracted to him.

Like you, I was apprehensive about leaving the relationship. I was older than you are now, early 30's, but I thought that I had found a guy who treated me well, had a child the same age, accepted me as a single mum and I was scared I would never find anyone else who wanted me and would love me like this.

However, one day I woke up and I dodged having sex with him and something inside me just knew that I couldn't go on the rest of my life like this. He was not right for me and I needed to end this relationship. Part of me got to a point where I thought I would rather be alone with my DD than be in a relationship where I wasn't fully invested. Yes I was scared no-one else would want me and that I wouldn't find someone else.

I ended things and moved back home and then rented somewhere for my DD and I and we lived happily on our own for a few months and then I met someone else. We fell in love, married, had a DD of our own and are soon to celebrate our 20 year wedding anniversary. We are very happily married.

Your 'person' is still out there waiting for you to meet him. Unfortunately you know already that the one you are currently with is not right for you. You just need to be brave.

Look at it this way: he deserves a partner who fancies him and loves him reciprocally. You’re short changing him.

TBH that sounds like obsession rather than love. However, his actions don't match his words as he won't even consider doing things that you would like to do, e.g. move closer to your family.

You probably will, but equally you might not. However, if you stay with him then he'll never get the opportunity to find someone who loves him as much as he loves them.

Do you really want to be responsible for that?

You can't stay with someone you don't fancy just because they write diary entries about you. Actions over words- you also say he's moody. Focus on his behaviour, not what waffle he writes.

You're totally incompatible: your passions in life, your sexual chemistry are totally out of kilter. You are staying because you feel sorry for him. Remind yourself he deserves better too, not just you. Free him to meet someone who wants to stay home and rip his clothes off, leaving you free to travel and meet a man you really desire.

Of course YANBU to split up with him Op! I’m
surprised you have to ask! 😀. I’ve been married over thirty years and trust me love has to be there on both sides. And even then, love alone, is not enough.

Opposites can attract and it can work very well but at this stage, at 26 years old, bluntly your attraction for him should be overwhelming.

And you need to have compatability over your future plans too. You are too young to have these problems already.

So let him down gently Op, You wouldn’t be doing him any long term favours prolonging it either, even though he may be upset in the short term.

And for every hour you are with him, you are not working on yourself as a single person, or available to find the love of your life! The same for him! Life is too short 🌷

This is going to sound harsh but words are easy to say and write in a love letter or a diary. But its actions that count. Look at his actions Op! Like not being open to even discussing moving up north! That’s rather selfish imho, as he is insisting that you adapt to him. So he loves you enough to write words on a page but the love is on his terms only?

And when you are scared about being alone or feeling lonely is exactly the right time to BE alone! You shouldn’t be going in to a committed relationship unless you are independent and comfortable with yourself. It will be scary being alone at first, but you will be able to live life your way Op, and eventually enjoy it!

Good luck!

At your age, it's completely normal to love someone, know they love you, and still realise thatyou are not right for each other. And the fact that you feel so scared and that you might never meet anyone else suggests to me that the emotional toll of his, frankly red flag, behaviour, has been more significant than you realise.

At the end of the day:
1 you're 26 and having sex with someone you don't fancy.
2 He has PTSD and is using that to control you (and yes, he CAN control it - if he has PTSD and he knows it and it impacts his behaviour then the solution is for him to seek HELP not to simply shrug his shoulders and act the victim when his behaviour is a problem).
3 You love travelling, he hates travelling. This is an intrinsic difference in personalities that is not goign to go away.
4 you want to move up north, he wants to stay in London. This is another intrinsic difference that isn't going awy (we had similar - DH did not want to leave England and I did. For him it was a deal breaker and he was honest with me : If I wanted to go back to my home country, it would be without him and he would accept that).

You need to worry a lot less about being loved by a guy and all this romantic BS - which can be nice when it's genuine love but good lord, surely you can see how meaningless it is when you don't even fancy the guy and are forcing yourself to sleep with him! Seriously, split up and focus on loving yourself for a good while and then you'll know your worth and not get into another grim situation like this. Find your strength and let this guy go so he can write letters and diaries for someone who's actually attracted to him (hopefully when he's worked on his own issues!), and then forget about stressing about being someone's fantasy and take your time finding someone you love for themselves and who loves you in the same way. They may or may not write love letters, but honestly, that is not remotely an issue when you're genuinely compatible.

Also - it's fine being alone at 26! What are you scared of? Won't it be a blessed relief not to have to sleep with someone you don't fancy? See your friends, find/do things that interest you, build your independence and enjoy your twenties.

When you do break up with him - which you must do - you need to spend a really good chunk of time exploring why you think this is what a good relationship looks like - that the most important thing is that he loves you, not the other way around. Where does that come from? Why would you think it’s ok to force yourself to sleep with someone? How would you advise a friend? Why do you think this is really the best you deserve? What was your parents relationship like, is that where it comes from?

What you describe sounds basically exactly the same as the relationship I wasted my 20s in. Then when I finally summoned up the courage to leave I was so relieved and so giddy from being single and able to enjoy sex with men again I took a lot of risks, having random sex with strangers (no judgement but the way I did it was not great) before eventually losing my confidence again and jumping into a relationship with the first man who wanted to be with me. This didn’t go well either for numerous reasons I won’t go into. I wish now I’d understood how desperately insecure I was and the way I only valued myself based on what men thought of me.

Relationships just don’t need to be this way - but you if you look you will see again and again women trapped in a relationship with a man they don’t know if they really love. Listen to some advice podcasts like Katherine Ryan or Lala Let Me Explain or The Slumflower and learn from other people’s mistakes!

It's not enough for him to love you. You also need to love him - and honestly, I don't think you do. You have to force yourself to have sex with him, you're walking on eggshells because you're nervous about which version of him you're going to get, and you don't want the same future or lifestyle that he wants.

You're only 26. Do not waste your 20s on a man you don't find attractive and whose moods put you on edge. And do not tell yourself you won't find anyone else who loves you. Of course you will. Why wouldn't you?!

Writing love letters and keeping a diary about the things he loves about you? Yeah, that's really not the stuff that long-term relationships are founded on. It's the sort of thing people do when they're 17, frankly. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but it certainly doesn't indicate anything about your relationship beyond the fact that your boyfriend is an intense and emotional person. It has no bearing on whether the relationship is happy and healthy.

Yes, absolutely.
Forcing yourself to sleep with him!
😳🤢
Why?
You don't need that.

Move back near your family and find someone there with whom you want to have children. (Or at least sex)

You are in an abusive relationship which includes famililal isolation and non consensual sex because he wants it that way. Consent is only consent when it's enthusiastic consent. He doesnt love you or he wouldn't treat you like that. Or manipulate you with his feelings.

Stop sleeping with him. Talk to you family and get out.

No brainer. Its not working for you on several important levels. You are so young. Break up with him nicely and move on.

God Op - from a 47 year old - please don't waste time putting someone elses feelings before your own.

you aren't in love with him - it's that simple - move on. Hurting someone when you leave them is just part of life. He deserves the freedom to meet someone who is absolutely in love with him - you are holding him back from that.

I have had my heart shattered in the past! and I know looking back of course that I needed to be freed from that relationship - so I could go on and find the right person.

Actually I had a boyfriend who talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk, it totally messes with your head. Saying all the right things, but being difficult and not much good in bed. I also was scared I’d never be loved like that again… it was his words that hooked me in. Everyone I’ve been with since has been more sexually compatible, less moody, and much less ‘romantic’.

I settled for a man like this, when at your age I had a similar choice. Biggest regret of my life, and it's not even close. Without shared values and respect the obsessive love goes and then you're stuck with young DC and someone who is moody, cold, snappy and who stops you from doing the things that bring you joy.

If I could step back ten years I'd shout this to myself, but I can't so I'll shout it to you instead: LEAVE THIS MAN!!

Why do you think you deserve less than what he deserves? He doesn't deserve to be with you just because he loves/manipulates you more than you do with him. He knows his shortcomings and his unwillingness to compromise so he has to manipulate you into thinking this is the greatest love story of all times and it's working on an emotional level but your brain is trying to intervene and talk some sense into you. Listen to your brain here and let it override your people pleasing emotions. This is the best it's going to get with this guy, people who love bomb are hardly stable people. You have the opportunity to move on and meet someone who is more compatible with you and then you will know how it really should feel.