Page 3 | DP wants to buy a house for his DF

Allthesweets · 2025-03-09T15:51:29+00:00

Current situation. DP and I have been together for 5 years, we have a three year old DD. I own the house and all bills are in my name, he pays me set amount each month which covers the bills. I’d like us to eventually move out and buy a house together. Ideally sooner rather than later, as where we are is small. DP has asked that we wait as he’s has been going through a lot over the past year or so. His step dad passed away last July and this affected him a lot. This would be ok, but now DP’s DF, who was renting has moved out of his home due to a fight with his landlord. He is pretty unreliable and owes DP’s brother money already which he is showing no signs of paying back. We are unsure where he is living so now DP is understandable worried. Both he and his brother are considering buying a house together to put DF into for him to pay them rent. I am very wary of this due to DF’s history with money and it would also mean that when we come to buy it would be classed as our second home, bigger deposit etc. plus my DP would be using all the money he has saved on a deposit for this house making me have to put all the deposit into a home for us. I have tried saying this to DP and I am worried that even though this is very caring towards his DF that he is not considering us and how this will affect his family. He says he is going to do this anyway as he just wants his dad to have a home. AIBU to be annoyed about this?

LionME · 09/03/2025 17:35

@Cucy the house wouldn’t be sold to pay for a care home if it’s not in the name of his father.
And council houses for a single person are like hens teeth.

ScribblingPixie · 09/03/2025 17:36

You're unmarried and have a house in your own name, OP, plus a slightly flaky partner who pays you rent. I'd stick with that, it sound like the most sensible financial position for you to be in.

Poonu · 09/03/2025 17:37

Why did you have a child with him? It doesn't sound like he has given hidden his priorities from you

NancyJoan · 09/03/2025 17:38

He, for some reason, does not want to commit properly to you. Do not marry him, or have another child, or buy a house together.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2025 17:39

Cucy · 09/03/2025 17:34

I would try not to take this personally as I believe he’s just got tunnel vision because he’s so worried about his 70yo parent, which we all would be.

However, I completely get your concerns.

I would speak to him about getting him on the council list.

Tell him that it’s likely his dad may need to go into a home and that means selling the house to pay for his care.

Whereas if he’s in council, they will sort it out for him.

Also the council will do all of the repairs etc too.

Try and spin in like it’s in the best interest for his dad, rather than what’s best for you but in reality it will be the best outcome for you too.

Why will they need to sell the house for his care? The house won’t belong to his df.

As for purchasing a bigger property (if that even happens), he will pay the extra stamp duty on this purchase if brother already owns a house.

I8toys · 09/03/2025 17:44

He's putting his father before you and your daughter. Isn't there a term - cocklodger?

LionME · 09/03/2025 17:45

Allthesweets · 09/03/2025 17:28

Well this is the thing, he has repeatedly put off actually buying a house together sighting various reasons over the last couple of years like he thinks there is nothing wrong with where we are, his goal is to get himself better (I think he could be depressed), let’s wait until DD is bit older, it’ll cost us more money.

Our house is nice but way too small and I’m thinking of our future.

And now he wants to do this. I get he’s doing it for good reasons but it feels like he’s unwilling to consider the impact on us.

Edited

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So actually he isn’t ready to build someth8ng with you.
Happy to create a family (that he knows he can get out off anyway - men are usually ok with EOW if that agd are seen as ‘doing their bit) but to get invested financially is too far for him…

Hmm…..

In some ways it stings even more. He can’t bring himself to buy something with you but he is happily doing this exact thing with his brother.
Says a lot about how he sees yur partnership 😢

Secondguess · 09/03/2025 17:46

If your house is big enough for you and your child then stay put for now. Let him know that whomever he buys a house with, he should plan to live there himself.
So if he buys a house with you, he lives there with you. If he buys with his brother, he lives in that house with his dad. If this isn't enough to help him rethink his priorities, I'm not sure what is.

orangegato · 09/03/2025 17:49

Sorry it’s a fucking terrible idea tying his money up with his proven unreliable father. He won’t see any rent and will be on the hook for repairs. Put your food down please.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 09/03/2025 17:50

Cucy · 09/03/2025 17:34

I would try not to take this personally as I believe he’s just got tunnel vision because he’s so worried about his 70yo parent, which we all would be.

However, I completely get your concerns.

I would speak to him about getting him on the council list.

Tell him that it’s likely his dad may need to go into a home and that means selling the house to pay for his care.

Whereas if he’s in council, they will sort it out for him.

Also the council will do all of the repairs etc too.

Try and spin in like it’s in the best interest for his dad, rather than what’s best for you but in reality it will be the best outcome for you too.

If he needed care the house couldn’t be sold to pay for that, because it wouldn’t belong to him. He would be the tenant - OP’s DP and his brother would be the owners.

westisbest1982 · 09/03/2025 17:51

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This was my initial thought too and after reading OP’s last update I’m convinced this is his plan. It’s very shrewd, but he’s being a shit to OP and their child.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 09/03/2025 17:58

OP, for whatever reason this man is dithering about committing to you, despite the fact that you have a child together. He’s putting his unreliable piss taker of a father ahead of his own family. I would be very very nervous about selling the home that you own, and in which he has no legal interest, in order to buy a property with him at this stage. If the relationship or marriage failed, he would be entitled to half of everything you own, plus a half share in the house with his brother. As others here have said, he’s very shrewd isn’t he ?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 09/03/2025 18:00

Allthesweets · 09/03/2025 17:28

Well this is the thing, he has repeatedly put off actually buying a house together sighting various reasons over the last couple of years like he thinks there is nothing wrong with where we are, his goal is to get himself better (I think he could be depressed), let’s wait until DD is bit older, it’ll cost us more money.

Our house is nice but way too small and I’m thinking of our future.

And now he wants to do this. I get he’s doing it for good reasons but it feels like he’s unwilling to consider the impact on us.

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OP could you afford to extend the house you’re in now without any financial input from him ? If that would be cheaper than upsizing and allow you to keep control of what is essentially your asset, then might that be a better option ?

Cucy · 09/03/2025 18:26

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 09/03/2025 17:50

If he needed care the house couldn’t be sold to pay for that, because it wouldn’t belong to him. He would be the tenant - OP’s DP and his brother would be the owners.

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Good point!

BeHere · 09/03/2025 18:32

Suzuki76 · 09/03/2025 16:19

You can't get an unregulated buy to let mortgage and put a family member in the property so the buyers will both need to have their income assessed and go through much stricter underwriting. I'd be willing to bet the rates are high too.

Plus it's likely to have to be a repayment mortgage and require a 25% deposit.

Edited

Yes, has he seen a broker or at least done the sums? This does not sound like it's been thoroughly researched.

Diningtableornot · 09/03/2025 18:33

Allthesweets · 09/03/2025 17:28

Well this is the thing, he has repeatedly put off actually buying a house together sighting various reasons over the last couple of years like he thinks there is nothing wrong with where we are, his goal is to get himself better (I think he could be depressed), let’s wait until DD is bit older, it’ll cost us more money.

Our house is nice but way too small and I’m thinking of our future.

And now he wants to do this. I get he’s doing it for good reasons but it feels like he’s unwilling to consider the impact on us.

Edited

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Are you worried that he's deliberately making it impossible to buy a house with you? I think I would be. Once he's committed to paying his dad's mortgage (which he will be whether or not his dad actually pays the rent), he is unlikely to be able to borrow enough to buy another house with you equal shares. Also it will be a second home which means much higher stamp duty.
Either he doesn't understand how these things work, which is worrying, or he's avoiding having joint finances with you.

Theuniversalshere1 · 09/03/2025 18:35

orangegato · 09/03/2025 17:49

Sorry it’s a fucking terrible idea tying his money up with his proven unreliable father. He won’t see any rent and will be on the hook for repairs. Put your food down please.

What about bills, council tax etc? how is the father meant to afford these?

BeHere · 09/03/2025 18:36

LionME · 09/03/2025 17:35

@Cucy the house wouldn’t be sold to pay for a care home if it’s not in the name of his father.
And council houses for a single person are like hens teeth.

Edited

Not necessarily for a person of that age. There are some areas where social housing for elderly people isn't too hard to get.

Theuniversalshere1 · 09/03/2025 18:37

Diningtableornot · 09/03/2025 18:33

Are you worried that he's deliberately making it impossible to buy a house with you? I think I would be. Once he's committed to paying his dad's mortgage (which he will be whether or not his dad actually pays the rent), he is unlikely to be able to borrow enough to buy another house with you equal shares. Also it will be a second home which means much higher stamp duty.
Either he doesn't understand how these things work, which is worrying, or he's avoiding having joint finances with you.

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This...

Op I'd seriously sit him down and spell it out to him.

Things like this are only viable options for those with a lot of disposable income

Could your partner afford to live if needs to pay mortgage if it fails, the council tax, upkeep, etc as well as pay you?

What would take precedent?

GOODCAT · 09/03/2025 18:49

maddening · 09/03/2025 16:15

But it would impact the op if.they sold and bought somewhere else as they would be classed as owning 2 properties - 2nd property attracts higher stamp duty and it would be taken in to consideration in the affordability calcs

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In that situation they would then be replacing their main residence so sdlt wise would be OK. It would affect what he could contribute to buying a joint home.

While the OP is concerned about then having to put in more quite understandably, I do get why her fiance wants to look after his father too.

PorridgeEater · 09/03/2025 18:59

I would keep your financial affairs separate - DP may be doing you a favour by not wanting to buy a house with you. And as others have said don't marry (since it seems that he is partner not husband).
Any sort of financial implications for you with the unreliable FiL are bound to be trouble. If partner and brother pay deposit on flat they should be prepared to say goodbye to that money.

Theuniversalshere1 · 09/03/2025 19:01

PorridgeEater · 09/03/2025 18:59

I would keep your financial affairs separate - DP may be doing you a favour by not wanting to buy a house with you. And as others have said don't marry (since it seems that he is partner not husband).
Any sort of financial implications for you with the unreliable FiL are bound to be trouble. If partner and brother pay deposit on flat they should be prepared to say goodbye to that money.

Also if irs a flat, as well as everything else, add in ground rent and facilities bills

GloriousGoosebumps · 09/03/2025 19:06

Is your current property genuinely too small or is it a case of it would be nice to have a larger property? Ordinarily I would say that simply wanting a larger property is a good enough reason to sell up but when your partner isnt pulling his weight it's simply too much of a risk.

Please do not stretch your financial reposibilities to buy a larger property with your partner. You would be taking a huge risk but of course it's much less of a risk for your partner who won't be selling a property in order to finance the move. At the moment you live in your property so have total control and can ask him to leave or can sell without his agreement. Once you jointly own a property you've lost that control over your future and could be in very difficult position if the relationship fails and you need to sell the new property and rehouse your child and yourself and, of course, you'll then find house prices have risen and you can't even afford your current property. It would be so much better to be in a too small property than looking at homelessness.

Bigfishes · 09/03/2025 19:14

I presume your partner knows that it is unlikely that housing benefit will pay anything towards his mortgage on the house he wants to buy his dad. So he will literally be paying the mortgage and repairs ad infinitude. Sounds crazy

123ZYX · 09/03/2025 19:26

Is he currently paying any element of rent to you, or is it purely his share of the bills? If he's not paying rent, you are effectively buying his dad a house, without getting any of the benefit. He wouldn't be able to buy the house for his dad if he had to pay to house himself.

If he gets rent from his dad, presumably this would be used to pay the mortgage, so his mortgage would be paid, while you're left paying your own, and he is still housed for free.

I would be getting legal advice about how you can charge him rent, without it being seen as a contribution to your mortgage