Page 2 | DP wants to buy a house for his DF

Allthesweets · 2025-03-09T15:51:29+00:00

Current situation. DP and I have been together for 5 years, we have a three year old DD. I own the house and all bills are in my name, he pays me set amount each month which covers the bills. I’d like us to eventually move out and buy a house together. Ideally sooner rather than later, as where we are is small. DP has asked that we wait as he’s has been going through a lot over the past year or so. His step dad passed away last July and this affected him a lot. This would be ok, but now DP’s DF, who was renting has moved out of his home due to a fight with his landlord. He is pretty unreliable and owes DP’s brother money already which he is showing no signs of paying back. We are unsure where he is living so now DP is understandable worried. Both he and his brother are considering buying a house together to put DF into for him to pay them rent. I am very wary of this due to DF’s history with money and it would also mean that when we come to buy it would be classed as our second home, bigger deposit etc. plus my DP would be using all the money he has saved on a deposit for this house making me have to put all the deposit into a home for us. I have tried saying this to DP and I am worried that even though this is very caring towards his DF that he is not considering us and how this will affect his family. He says he is going to do this anyway as he just wants his dad to have a home. AIBU to be annoyed about this?

viques · 09/03/2025 16:37

AmusedGoose · 09/03/2025 16:32

OK so DH bought his DM a house in 2008 due to him wanting to secure his investments when the country was in financial crisis. She doesn't pay rent but DH is a landlord in all other respects e.g gaschecks, insurance. Since then the house has gone up in value by £100k. She is an excellent tenant. However she has become very reliant on DH with lots of phone calls and visits which ordinarily he wouldn't have got involved with. She was widowed aged 45 and up to then had been super independent. The biggest thing thouge is now 83 and has just received a diagnosis of mixed dementia. Now I seriously wonder if she should move. She is quite isolated as she doesn't drive and I think she would benefit from sheltered accommodation now but she is refusing point blank to even consider it and I am also concerned about her dementia worsening and having issues accessing the house and possibly problems such as leaving the gas on or hoarding. Basically she is a sitting tenant we can't do anything about! So I would bare in mind that this is a long term solution to a temporary problem and depending how own his DF is, its worth trying to get him social housing especially over 55s. I don't regret DH buying his mum a house to live in but we didn't think of the long term aspect.

This is a sad story, I take it they haven’t sorted out POA for health and finance? Unfortunately too late if she has a diagnosis, but a reminder to others to discuss this with elderly parents while they are still able to make decisions.

Gloriia · 09/03/2025 16:44

I don't understand, why would the sad death of his step dad have any relevance to house buying?

I agree he would be crazy to fund his dad, all you can do is note these red flags and stay put. Do not marry or buy a house with him he seems lacking in basic common sense. Not someone to get financially embroiled with imo.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 09/03/2025 16:47

Don't sacrifice your property and financial security for a man, keep your home, don't marry.

stardustbiscuits · 09/03/2025 16:58

I think piling in to call him an arsehole because he’s trying to find a route to ensuring his own father isn’t homeless is a bit extreme. His dad is family too. If everyone split up every time there was a conflict of interests or a challenge then there would be no families! This seems to be the way mumsnet goes sometimes!
how about you go in together with a bigger place with some sort of grandad annexe ? Jointly owned by you both. The grandad pays rent, but if he passes away or it goes Pete Tong, you have a lovely annexe to Airbnb or put a teenager into.

chojoko · 09/03/2025 17:01

Would they be buying this house outright? You can't usually have family members in buy to lets (precisely because it's difficult to boot them out if they stop paying rent)

Gloriia · 09/03/2025 17:01

stardustbiscuits · 09/03/2025 16:58

I think piling in to call him an arsehole because he’s trying to find a route to ensuring his own father isn’t homeless is a bit extreme. His dad is family too. If everyone split up every time there was a conflict of interests or a challenge then there would be no families! This seems to be the way mumsnet goes sometimes!
how about you go in together with a bigger place with some sort of grandad annexe ? Jointly owned by you both. The grandad pays rent, but if he passes away or it goes Pete Tong, you have a lovely annexe to Airbnb or put a teenager into.

His df can rent. To attempt to buy him a house when he has form for being financially irresponsible is crazy.
A grandad annexe!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/03/2025 17:05

You are not married and it doesn’t sound like you have commingled money.

You don’t have any immediate plans to buy together and he is basically paying you rent with no stake in your house.

If I caught the high points correctly then it may not be the worst idea for him. You are largely not affected by this but maybe there are some implications that I’m missing.

Real estate is a pretty stable investment (not always) so he may come out ahead by investing with his brother. Now the downsides for him are the obvious ones… upkeep money, disagreements with brother and/or father, exit strategy, etc. But the payoff could be worth it for both brother and Partner. My advice for him would be to get all the details in writing and a very clear and legal understanding of the details now before they start.

On your mutual finances, you need to be on the same page as far as short, mid, and long term goals. Assuming not married you also need protections for both of you in whatever commingling you do.

One of the conversations that you need to have is the implications of this if you buy together. I think the second home thing could be avoided if he and his brother form a LLP (I think this is the equivalent to a US LLC) but this may have other implications that need to be explored.

Just some things to to think about.

NoTouch · 09/03/2025 17:06

Financial compatibility is important in a relationship and incompatibility can destroy relationships.

That doesn't mean you both need to have the same earnings etc, it mean you need to respect each other and have the same goals. If you are committed to each other neither of you should make significant unilateral decisions that impact both of you.

If one of you does the implications of that on your relationship are much bigger than just the £££s. Dealbreaker for me, and if he plans to go ahead tell him to make sure the house has two extra bedrooms as he will be living with his dad and having his dd there for contact too.

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/03/2025 17:11

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 09/03/2025 16:47

Don't sacrifice your property and financial security for a man, keep your home, don't marry.

Exactly.

He's putting himself first, do the same.

Bluenotgreen · 09/03/2025 17:11

You would be better off splitting as this is going to completely drain you.

He’s taking the absolute piss.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/03/2025 17:14

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/03/2025 17:05

You are not married and it doesn’t sound like you have commingled money.

You don’t have any immediate plans to buy together and he is basically paying you rent with no stake in your house.

If I caught the high points correctly then it may not be the worst idea for him. You are largely not affected by this but maybe there are some implications that I’m missing.

Real estate is a pretty stable investment (not always) so he may come out ahead by investing with his brother. Now the downsides for him are the obvious ones… upkeep money, disagreements with brother and/or father, exit strategy, etc. But the payoff could be worth it for both brother and Partner. My advice for him would be to get all the details in writing and a very clear and legal understanding of the details now before they start.

On your mutual finances, you need to be on the same page as far as short, mid, and long term goals. Assuming not married you also need protections for both of you in whatever commingling you do.

One of the conversations that you need to have is the implications of this if you buy together. I think the second home thing could be avoided if he and his brother form a LLP (I think this is the equivalent to a US LLC) but this may have other implications that need to be explored.

Just some things to to think about.

Quoting myself because I forgot a point and can’t edit…

You are probably coming out ahead as well right now in that your house is a sole and separate asset. So that while you are paying the mortgage he’s picking up your share of the bills. All appreciation then is yours only.

In this sense you may want to think about not buying together ever. If you do buy roll your assumed appreciation into the new house, again as sole ownership.

Diningtableornot · 09/03/2025 17:19

Oooh, no, never rely on getting rent from someone financially unreliable especially a relative.
There could be other ways to help DF, for example helping him to apply for social housing or benefits or whatever he needs. But if he's hopeless with money he will be very difficult to help, perhaps impossible (said from bitter experience).
It's not just about DP's commitment to you, though that is important; it's about him protecting himself and looking at the bigger picture.

ThatGladTiger · 09/03/2025 17:21

If this was the other way round everyone would be saying you should get your name on the mortgage. He is showing commitment whilst he’s paying bills but ultimately has no right to the property.

I also can’t begrudge him wanting something stable for his dad if your home is big enough for now. Yes his dad sounds like a nightmare, but giving him a secure place may give your partner peace of mind…. If he can afford to cover it if the rent is not paid.

Your partner sounds like a decent person trying to do the right thing. His brother is doing the same so at least he’s not taking it on by himself.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/03/2025 17:21

Oooh, no, never rely on getting rent from someone financially unreliable especially a relative

Not on my game today! Yes this is the biggest factor he needs to be able to cover everything without rent!

LionME · 09/03/2025 17:22

I get he wants to help his father. That’s fair enough.
I also get that you’re not married and he has his financial independence to do as he pleases.

But his solution is crazy.

Im assuming you’ve taken care that whatever he pays means he isn’t entitled to a share of your house if you were to separate.
If he was to buy a house with his brother and you separate, he has nothing. If he already owned a house that would be a different situation but he is putting himself at risk there.
He is also making a choice there - to keep you out of a decision that will have implication on your life together. The ‘refusing to work together to find a way that works for all of us’ would bother me deeply.
And of course there is the long term consequence - how will paying for the repairs, mortgage (I’m assuming his father won’t be paying much rent tbh. Not if he has a history with ‘normal’ landlords of not paying) anything that his father thinks needs to be done (what did he fight about with his landlord?!?) etc…. That’s 20 years of having to financially support his dad. If he is a high earner and feel he can cope Thars one th8ng but I suspect this isn’t the case.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/03/2025 17:22

Allthesweets · 09/03/2025 16:16

Just out of interest what would you see as putting enough in?

I agree with you about still seeing himself as separate.

Show quote history

I would see it as - buying a house together equally. Building a future together.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/03/2025 17:24

Also. This is one situation where I would say don’t marry this guy!!

LionME · 09/03/2025 17:25

If this was the other way round everyone would be saying you should get your name on the mortgage.

Which is exactly what the plan was with buying a bigger property together. Something he doesn’t want to do…..

I mean fair enough he wants to help his father and be shackled with (half of) a mortgage with it.
But I’m not sure why he should get 50% of a house he hasn’t put anything towards bar run of the mill utilities.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/03/2025 17:28

LionME · 09/03/2025 17:25

If this was the other way round everyone would be saying you should get your name on the mortgage.

Which is exactly what the plan was with buying a bigger property together. Something he doesn’t want to do…..

I mean fair enough he wants to help his father and be shackled with (half of) a mortgage with it.
But I’m not sure why he should get 50% of a house he hasn’t put anything towards bar run of the mill utilities.

How is he getting 50% of a house?

Original poster

Allthesweets · 09/03/2025 17:28

LionME · 09/03/2025 17:25

If this was the other way round everyone would be saying you should get your name on the mortgage.

Which is exactly what the plan was with buying a bigger property together. Something he doesn’t want to do…..

I mean fair enough he wants to help his father and be shackled with (half of) a mortgage with it.
But I’m not sure why he should get 50% of a house he hasn’t put anything towards bar run of the mill utilities.

Well this is the thing, he has repeatedly put off actually buying a house together sighting various reasons over the last couple of years like he thinks there is nothing wrong with where we are, his goal is to get himself better (I think he could be depressed), let’s wait until DD is bit older, it’ll cost us more money.

Our house is nice but way too small and I’m thinking of our future.

And now he wants to do this. I get he’s doing it for good reasons but it feels like he’s unwilling to consider the impact on us.

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/03/2025 17:29

Allthesweets · 09/03/2025 17:28

Well this is the thing, he has repeatedly put off actually buying a house together sighting various reasons over the last couple of years like he thinks there is nothing wrong with where we are, his goal is to get himself better (I think he could be depressed), let’s wait until DD is bit older, it’ll cost us more money.

Our house is nice but way too small and I’m thinking of our future.

And now he wants to do this. I get he’s doing it for good reasons but it feels like he’s unwilling to consider the impact on us.

Edited

Show quote history

You have bigger problems than him wanting to buy a house with his brother.

NoTouch · 09/03/2025 17:33

Allthesweets · 09/03/2025 17:28

Well this is the thing, he has repeatedly put off actually buying a house together sighting various reasons over the last couple of years like he thinks there is nothing wrong with where we are, his goal is to get himself better (I think he could be depressed), let’s wait until DD is bit older, it’ll cost us more money.

Our house is nice but way too small and I’m thinking of our future.

And now he wants to do this. I get he’s doing it for good reasons but it feels like he’s unwilling to consider the impact on us.

Edited

Show quote history

Sounds like you have yourself someone not willing to make a commitment to you and his dd but it is important to him to look like the successful big man to his dad and brother by showing them he can help buy a house with/for them.

His priorities need examining.

Cucy · 09/03/2025 17:34

I would try not to take this personally as I believe he’s just got tunnel vision because he’s so worried about his 70yo parent, which we all would be.

However, I completely get your concerns.

I would speak to him about getting him on the council list.

Tell him that it’s likely his dad may need to go into a home and that means selling the house to pay for his care.

Whereas if he’s in council, they will sort it out for him.

Also the council will do all of the repairs etc too.

Try and spin in like it’s in the best interest for his dad, rather than what’s best for you but in reality it will be the best outcome for you too.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/03/2025 17:34

viques · 09/03/2025 16:34

Be cheaper for the brothers to pay a deposit for their father to rent somewhere else. If he defaults again they can say hand on heart that they have done their bit.

Even cheaper to tell him he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions.

This. Social housing would be a better route for him. He could be incapable of living alone, for various reasons, 5 years on and then they'll have to sort out the mortgaged property and whatever state he's left it in, that's if nothing else goes wrong in the meantime.

I'd take this as a sign that you should look to upgrade your property on your own, and buy a bigger place just in your name. That future proofs you as well.

SunshineAndFizz · 09/03/2025 17:35

I'd be annoyed too. He's not thinking like a team and not choosing the best thing for your family.

He's put off buying for the last couple of years and now is another reason he won't want to buy somewhere with you.

Sorry OP but he's happy for you to house him, taking advantage of you, allowing him to do what he likes with 'his' money as you're bank rolling the home.