To not understand this about ex?

[Bagellover]

So ex and I were together for 16 years, 2 kids. Since the children came along our relationship changed significantly, his life carried on as normal and I was so lonely, he would be out 4/5 nights per week and weekends consisted of sports commitments. It got to a point where I was just so resentful and he couldn’t see what he was doing wrong and after a lot of deliberation and upset I decided to end it. A month after the separation he was with somebody else, introducing the kids etc. I have tried to be civil with him but he keeps telling me that he hates me because I ended it and this new woman actually wants him and is so much better than me. If he would have changed I would have made it work, I don’t believe women make that sort of decision easily and it would have been easier to stay. I just can’t understand why he would hate me if that’s what he wanted and this other woman is so much better, why can’t we just move on?

You haven’t emotionally separated yourself from him. People always surprise us, his behaviour is upsetting but that’s how he feels and you can’t change it. Try and move on with the life that you’ve chosen

Maybe, I am getting there and trying to move on but telling me that he hates me and this new woman is so much better really hurts. I don’t want him back but we was together for a long time.

He can hate you while liking the new woman, there isn’t a crossover. Your question sounds more like you are struggling to disconnect from him to be honest. Just keep things neutral and as amicable as possible for the kids, don’t get into these conversations

You shouldn’t give a flying fig if he hates you

I thought the next phase of falling out of love is indifference, I am ok but surely he knows that telling me this stuff will hurt me?

He only hates you because you rumbled him.
He’s still in the denial phase. Don’t worry about him anymore. His reaction proves you were right to leave.
Move on, enjoy your new life! xx

From what you have said about your ex, he is a selfish and emotionally immature twat. He is looking to blame you because he is not sufficiently empathetic to understand the issues you had with him (perfectly natural issues).

Frankly, you did the right thing ending it. He will probably never understand how to put the needs of others ahead of his own needs and that sometimes putting your own needs aside is part of being a fully rounded adult.

Let him say he 'hates' you , I have to say it's pretty pathetic of him. You will have a better life without an extra child to look after, which is what he was.

You ended the relationship. You dumped him. You rejected him. And you want him to not be upset with you?

I'm not saying you were wrong to split - it sounds like you had excellent reasons. But from his point of view you chose to be with him for 16 years so to suddenly decide that he was no longer good enough for you is unlikely to leave him thinking kindly of you. Give it time.

I don’t think it’s that complicated. You can dislike your ex and love someone new, I would probably say it’s quite common. I know I have felt like this and exes have felt like this about me.

You’re free from him now, you just need to find things to make you happy, and treat him with indifference.

he is saying stuff he knows will hurt you.

He had a nice life of single for hobbies but married with you doing the family life.
You have decided to move on with your life without him as some of that is detaching from what he says or feels about everything.

If he says he hates you, he hasn't separated from you emotionally. "She's better than you" is a way for him to deflect the pain of your choice to end the relationship, by trying to hurt you. It won't end well.

My ex had an affair and left me 2 years ago. I hated them both for several months. I don't mind saying now that there were times I wished they'd both die. Those feelings were the manifestation of my own pain and hurt. Nowadays we all get on fine. I still wish it hadn't happened but I wish them no ill and I hope they will stay together and have a happy life. It's not indifference, but I no longer measure everything in my life by comparison to theirs.

He wants to hurt you as you told him his behaviour was wrong / unacceptable. By demonstrating that it is acceptable with new woman he is saying you were always the problem and he was always right.

You need to disengage and just grey rock. Polite interaction for the sake of the kids. My recollection differs but shall we just move on was my go to phrase when my ex was harping on about my historical infarctions.

If he can't be pleasant/civil then it's time to restrict communication to co-parenting matters and remove his opportunity to say this stuff to you OP. Is there a third party (friend or family member) who could act as a buffer for a while, deal with handovers and/or vet messages and only pass on the child related ones? You'll never know what's going on in his head to make him hate you so taking practical steps to prevent him upsetting you seems sensible to me. Otherwise you will just go round in this toxic circle of involvement in each other's feelings when what you really need is to detach emotionally so you can both move on.

Honestly, making the decision was the hardest thing I have ever done, then he quickly met somebody else and introduced the kids. I knew he would move on but I was hoping not so soon so it just feels I have took the double the hurt which I didn’t need to if he was a decent guy. The kids went on holiday with us as a family in September last year and now they are with another woman and her son, it’s too soon.

@Bagellover By any chance did his mum do all the parenting and his dad do his own thing?

Having kids means changes to lifestyle, and he wasn't willing to make those changes. I'm amazed you lasted 16 years with someone so selfish.

Why weren't you more assertive earlier on and make it clear that he needed to step up to parenting more?

Of course he hates you, because you finally stood up for yourself and stopped letting him have his cake and eating it!

If it makes you feel better, then write him a letter/email.

Dear <twat ex>. I'm sorry to hear that you hate me. This is quite sad to hear, as I loved you very much, and it broke my heart the way you chose your sports and social life over spending time with your family, leaving us alone 4 or 5 nights a week. Although I asked you several times to change your priorities, I appreciate that I could not force you to do this. There was only so much more loneliness I could take, and as you clearly didn't want to change, then I had no choice but to end the relationship as I did not want to be with someone who put their social life above their own family. Having children means making sacrifices and changes in life.

How long ago did you split up? Perhaps if he has responsibility for the kids a decent chunk of the time it will make him realise what a twat he was.

Your anger will fade.

He is saying it to hurt you because you ended it and upset the nice, cosy set up he thought he had. And you have hurt his ego too. He presumably thought he could live the high life while you waited at home, parenting his kids & washing his smalls.

I would feel sorry for the new woman who is a rebound partner he quickly went out to get so he didn't have to be alone and so that he could prove to you that you had made a mistake (which you haven't) and to undermine your confidence (saying she is better than you. She's not, she's just different).

The main issue here is that he has introduced the children to her way too soon because it's highly likely this rebound relationship won't work out.

His behaviour is immature and is designed to hurt.
The best thing to do is to ignore it completely and focus on co-parenting effectively for your kids' sake. And be prepared to be there for them if/when his new relationship ends.

It's not unusual for someone to say they 'hate' the person that dumped them. That's not really an issue. The issue is he's telling you this shit and frankly you don't need to know.

He's not your partner anymore so his emotions are his own problem. You would hope he'd just be happy with his new woman and leave you alone but he's obviously very immature. He's trying to hurt you. Do not give him the satisfaction.

Tell him you will not discuss anything whatsoever with him other than logistical issues relating to the children. And ignore him if he talks about anything else.
If his messages become abusive or threatening then tell the police.

You need to get him out of your head.

He’s known you for a long time and will be well aware of how to hurt you whether it’s introducing the kids to new woman quickly or saying that he hates you.
He can hate you but enjoy his new life at the same time. You may have blindsided him because he didn’t think that you would act on your threats (16 years is a long time not to act) or he’s angry that you don’t agree with his perceived right to do what he wants, when he wants. He may be pissed off that his behaviour has been exposed to people who were unaware of his selfish behaviour eg mutual friends or his parents or that you have some free time to do what you want when you didn’t in the past.

You "dumped" him and damaged his male ego. He can't blame himself so instead he has to paint you as the bitch from hell. That's what men do - all the time. Not only did you damage his gigantic ego but you also ended a very cosy lifestyle for him. I expect you looked after him like a mother figure whilst he carried on doing whatever be wanted. Nice set-up for him. I bet woman number 2 won't put up with it and he's finding out the hard way.

He's not your partner anymore so his emotions are his own problem

this nails it. He’s so used to getting you to do the shitwork, he can’t even see it. This is just the emotional equivalent of slinging his manky y-fronts in the wash and magically finding them washed dried ironed and folded in his drawer, without ever making the connection that someone else was doing all the work.

Try to get yourself to a point where you can just laugh at what a bloody wet wipe he is.

He moved on so quickly because he can't be alone it's the worst thing you can do .
He will throw his all into this new person to try and get past the hurt of things ending while telling himself he hates you when he really doesnt .
Stay on your own heal ignore his hurt leave him to deal with that while you find you again .
He didn't nurture your relationship he let you feel lonely dont care what he thinks.
Just move on to a brighter future be excited for it.

Why is it the worst thing you can do? I actually do feel sorry for this other woman now as her child is involved and from my understand he has met quite a few men.

A) that is precisely why he is telling you
B) OP you really don’t sound like you’re over him if you’re getting hurt by his words

He has met quite a few men?

Yes sorry as in her son has met a few men already.