To not understand this about ex?

[Bagellover]

So ex and I were together for 16 years, 2 kids. Since the children came along our relationship changed significantly, his life carried on as normal and I was so lonely, he would be out 4/5 nights per week and weekends consisted of sports commitments. It got to a point where I was just so resentful and he couldn’t see what he was doing wrong and after a lot of deliberation and upset I decided to end it. A month after the separation he was with somebody else, introducing the kids etc. I have tried to be civil with him but he keeps telling me that he hates me because I ended it and this new woman actually wants him and is so much better than me. If he would have changed I would have made it work, I don’t believe women make that sort of decision easily and it would have been easier to stay. I just can’t understand why he would hate me if that’s what he wanted and this other woman is so much better, why can’t we just move on?

You are not alone! You really are not! There’s many of us on MN nursing a break up, depressed, angry, how could he, what has she got that I ain’t got? The list is endless but we keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. I guarantee, it happens across ALL age groups, younger, mid life, senior citizens, kids or no kids, it’s very painful & heartbreaking.

You might find some posters on Instagram helpful?

Myavatar (shes British)
Melrobbins (The Let Them coach)

AnnalieHowling (British)

On Facebook look for:
new C2
who talks loads of sense. He has a terrific take on every aspect. Take a look. Speaks a lot of sense.

Meanwhile, go totally no contact. Absolutely none; no social media, no texting, no following, no liking, no accidental going where he is. Nothing. Block him everywhere on everything. He’s mad himself irrelevant to your life now. Silence is your best friend.

Set up a separate email address for co-parenting plans. Nothing else.

All these points are what will help you get through this. You’ll look back and be glad you’re shot of him. This much I know.

Yes he gives me £500 pm, but it’s a nightmare trying to get it, he said instead he will have them 50/50, which he can’t as he works so much, he also says he will just spend £500 on the kids which is literally besides the point 🙄

I don’t want to cause any more trouble to be honest and rattle him.

Why are you letting talk to you about hus new live life..? Look up grey rock...it sounds like you're upset hes not even tried to change your mind and thats whats upset you...

Look up the pick me dance..... Don't do that even in your head..

You've dumped him for good reason..

You need to move on too .. why be bothered about him being rattled..go to CMS so you are no longer beholden.. it's not for him to choose how/when to give you money..
Maybe see if you can get some counselling or support to mofe forward.. do something different with your time while dc are with him....

Because he obviously isn't in a strong emotional space by the things he is saying.
Before going into a new relationship and comparing her with you how about he takes the opportunity to learn something from the break up instead of involving others.
Mat aswell just put a sticking plaster over himself for now.

If he is not self-employed and youve checked the amount of the cm calculator, id always go through them when the father threatens to remove it.

how is he having thee conversations eith you? If in person get someone to be there when you do handovers. Move him over to communication via an email address only, one specifically for him. And keep all emails for court later.

Sounds like he's fuming that you ended it. His ego is badly damaged OP. He's gone out and met somebody new to try to hurt you as much as 'you hurt him'. Not a great foundation for a relationship but not your problem. Get counselling OP from somebody who specialises in relationships, it will help you make sense of everything.

OP, take no notice of all the people who come on to threads like this and seem incredulous that you might still have feelings for a man you loved enough to marry and have children with - no matter how shitty his behaviour has been towards you.

It's not that easy to switch your feelings off and they will also be tied up with your view of your future life as a family. And it's only been a few months being apart after years of being together. So cut yourself some slack if you feel equally like you could happily murder him but also still sort of love him. That's so normal at this stage.

It's also not that easy (or even advisable maybe) to go completely no contact when you have to co-parent with him. Obviously don't follow his or her on SM but keep a calm, friendly line of communication open for your kids' sake.

It's natural for it to be really painful to know that he is playing happy families with your kids and another woman but in reality she could just be anyone at this stage - he just couldn't face being alone.
Luckily it sounds like she's nice to your kids and they like her.
Really he should be spending time with his children without her to establish a good bond with them but it sounds like he isn't. That's entirely his loss.

You will be doing that when you have them with you and you will develop a much deeper connection.

Time is the greatest healer here and over time the indifference you talk about will come. In the meantime, try to keep busy and spend time doing things you enjoy - even better if they are things he didn't enjoy doing with you.

You will get through this and you will be happy he has gone.

I really recommend using a parenting app for all communication, blocking his social media and using CMS. CMS means it's an objective assessment and they handle the contact. It's much healthier for you to not know what is going on in his life (I know its hard when your dc are telling you), but minimising contact will help you move on. If the intention is to hurt you then don't allow him to use contact about dc to do that. I'd love to have a better co-parenting relationship with exH but he isnt emotionally mature enough to do that so now we parallel parent and I will only exchange messages via an app. Its much better for my mental health this way.

He needed to find someone sharpish or he'd have to parent his own kids. And I suspect he has no idea how to do that.

There’s nothing odd here at all. Stop being goady towards a poster who’s clearly having an understandably shit time.

I agree!
I hate these ridiculous posts that imply there is something wrong with a person who has naturally mixed and confused feelings after the break up of a long relationship/marriage.

It's both irritating and unkind. And it shows a lack of understanding and empathy.

OP, I can understand why you're hurt by your ex telling you this, but - and I say this gently - you were the one who ended the relationship and I'm sure your ex was hurt by that. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, but I think if you end a 16-year-marriage, it's pretty normal for the partner who got dumped to be resentful and angry about it, especially if you have children. That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, but I think perhaps you need to let this go.

This all sounds incredibly sensible and reasonable.
OP - nothing to add, but I hope you get through it all OK.