To not understand this about ex?

[Bagellover]

So ex and I were together for 16 years, 2 kids. Since the children came along our relationship changed significantly, his life carried on as normal and I was so lonely, he would be out 4/5 nights per week and weekends consisted of sports commitments. It got to a point where I was just so resentful and he couldn’t see what he was doing wrong and after a lot of deliberation and upset I decided to end it. A month after the separation he was with somebody else, introducing the kids etc. I have tried to be civil with him but he keeps telling me that he hates me because I ended it and this new woman actually wants him and is so much better than me. If he would have changed I would have made it work, I don’t believe women make that sort of decision easily and it would have been easier to stay. I just can’t understand why he would hate me if that’s what he wanted and this other woman is so much better, why can’t we just move on?

Who told you this?

You don’t feel sorry for the other woman, come on op at least be honest with a group of anonymous posters who don’t know you!

Theyre on holiday and you’re navel gazing about him, when clearly he is a profoundly unpleasant man.

Feel sorry for your own children for having him as a father rather than another woman’s child.

Everyone seems Better in the beginning. Christ I’m better in the beginning but when you get into it and you see my varying characteristics it’s not the same as the person you’d meet because life and circumstance show you who a person is. Can 100% say whoever I’m with I give my all and don’t give up easily so if I’m in, I’m 100% in, ain’t no one got your back like me. Not everyone’s the same as that. Some people get flaky when things get tough. Let it wash over you, water off a ducks back

Yes ok I totally hate her right now but I know that I won’t feel like this forever.

So you don’t need to say you “actually do feel sorry for her”
when you don’t

and why do you hate her? She’s going out with the husband that you saw the light and ended it

this is all a bit odd op

I suppose it stings that I was just so replaceable even though I ended it. I am nowhere near ready for another relationship.

He’s angry because you called him out on his behaviour and didn’t stay subservient to him doing exactly as he pleased. You hurt him and his pride and narcissism.

You are hurt because you wanted him to love you in a different way and want to spend time at home with you. So you rightly called time on a failing marriage but that doesn’t mean you instantly stop loving the person you were with for so long.

Hes bounced straight into the arms of someone else because that’s exactly what men like him do. But because he’s a nasty bastard he’s using it to hurt you by comparing you to her unfavourably (which is purely his words not fact don’t forget)

It’s such a mark of a person when they react to not getting their own way by lashing out and being cruel.

OP see this as more evidence of the man he is and be thankful you got out whilst you still have life left to live.

Stop letting him having any power over you. This is NOT a person whose words and opinion are your concern now. Yes of course the years you were married meant something. But he isn’t going to say that to you because he’s angry and a twat. So stop listening to him.

Keep contact civil, brief and only about the kids. Do not pump them for info about the new woman. It’s hard enough for them as it is.

Put all your energy into supporting your kids and finally doing things on your own terms. Hobbies, fitness, travel. Go live your life.

How long ago?

in any event, I think you are probably spending time analysing and feeling hurt and upset and hating this entirely innocent woman because you haven’t made inroads in to building a new life post separation. Plan things, see friends, take up a new hobby, commit to improving… fitness, decorating. Something, anything

You have to learn to detach and remind yourself that it’s not your problem . Even if your ex is one of many that the boy meets, it’s up to his mum to parent like that.

like I said we were on a family holiday in the beginning of September and by October he was taking the kids out with her

All you can say to him is that if he had prioritised you and the DC the way he is his new woman you would still be together.

Yes she probably is entirely Innocent, I would never get into a relationship with somebody who has been in such a long relationship after a few short weeks.

My children are 4 and 7 and to her credit they do like her.

You cannot control other people’s actions, only your own.

Stop worrying about what he’s doing and who he’s spending his time with and focus solely on yourself and your children.

You have a lot of healing and inner work to do. Focus on rebuilding yourself and making a happy and healthy home life for your children whilst they’re in your care. How he chooses to parent when he has them is up to him (unless you had concern or abuse/neglect etc)

Keep your communication with him to a minimum and speak purely about what you need to with regards to timings for the kids etc.

He could stay with this new woman for a life time or they could end in a week and there could be another 100 women in his life but that’s his business and life and nothing for you to lose sleep over or try to understand.

Uh-yes? He is a shitty human being? He always has been. He didn’t change for her. He is just posturing for you and love bombing her.

He was indifferent to you as other than “the wife” at home and once you divorced him he feels outraged, as you would if your dumb dog stopped bringing your slippers and kicked you out of the house.

Of course he found a new woman to indulge him and he “loves” her and probably even favours her with the grace of his company—for now. After all he needs housing, sex, and support. But his “love” for her is conditional, as was his “love” for you. If her demands get too great he will start acting out and she may eventually throw him out too

I don’t know, like I wouldn’t care if he died? Obviously that is a horrible thing to say but I really wouldn’t care.

What’s the division of childcare with him?

He has them one night per week and she is there with them which hurts as he has all eeek to do what he likes with her.

Its because you hurt his ego by rejecting him. Men typically react much more to losing a partner (even if the relationship isnt good the rejection stings) than losing their family / regular contact with their DC. They define themsleves more by their relationships and work than being a parent. She's not better she just flatters his ego. He didnt enjoy being a dad - as he prioritised sports and hasn't thought about how they feel about him having a new relationship or spending time with someone else's child when he didnt bother with his own. He's been honest - its because she wants me. Its all about him, nothing to do with you and probably little to do with the woman - she could be any woman.