Would you check your partners phone if you suspected them cheating?

[fern45]

NC'd and looking for a hand hold. If you had suspicion and chance to snoop on their phone, would you? And if you found something would you confront them straight away?

We know each other's passcodes and use each other's phone occasionally when needed. If this ever changed and he started being cagey with his phone changing passcode etc I'd know instantly he was hiding something.
If I had a suspicion I would definitely look.
Poster saying they would just ask and communication is all we need, a cheating person will lie and gas light till their dying breath so that wouldn't necessarily work.

I'd say you're missing the point. My comment is in response to saying 'just ask him'. If it were really as simple as that then everyone would be a lot more aware their partner was cheating a lot sooner. Most cheaters don't volunteer the information happily.

Trust in a relationship is a different matter. Yes, if you don't trust each other then there are question marks but there can be a number of different reasons why someone might suspect a partner, some valid, some just misunderstandings. It's not as simple as just throwing up a whole life of children, families, interwoven finances etc. over what might a be moment's misplaced insecurity. There can also be perfectly innocent reasons behind what is on the face of it very suspicious behaviour but it's not always easy to get to the bottom of.

My aunt once suspected my uncle of cheating. He had no previous form but his behaviour was definitely out of character and, on the surface, odd. Her suspicions were perfectly understandable. As it happens he was just arranging a big birthday surprise for her but was absolutely crap at covering his tracks.

If you believe or think your partner would or could be lying to you, just end it. It's already over at that point.

Apart from the fact that I think I consider invading someone's privacy to be almost as bad and LTB-worthy as cheating, no, I wouldn't check my partner's phone. Because I wouldn't expect to find "evidence" one way or the other. I would expect DP to be smart enough to cover his tracks enough that a casual snoop through his phone would reveal nothing. If I was cheating I'd certainly be able to do that, it's not hard.

And that's the thing. If you've got suspicions and you find nothing in his phone, what then? Let the suspicions consume you until you find evidence that's concrete enough that he can't even spin a story of plausible deniability? That's a lot of stress and a long time you might be waiting. The suspicion really should be enough to act on. The minute you suspect your partner is the type of person to cheat is the minute the relationship has been soured beyond repair.

This is pretty vacuous, sorry. Yes, it's much harder to prove a negative but there are other reasons for changes in behaviour. Some that will lead to a funny story in future 'i thought he had another woman, he was having ballroom dancing lessons as a surprise for our holiday... From a man!' some that are due to bad Comms or maybe poor time management or prioritising.

Anyone could be lying to you or cheating. Anyone. It's when clues start stacking up that you have to decide whether to delve deeper. Just walking out sounds like the right advice but it's simplistic and pretty silly if someone isn't sure and has a whole life. Checking a phone is about ruling in rather than ruling out.

And nobody would need enough evidence to satisfy a jury of their peers, it would probably be more about enough evidence for their own satisfaction.

You cannot be serious.

I wouldn't have a problem with my DH checking my phone if he thought I was cheating and I would do the same. I'm really not concerned about the legal ramifications, I think the police have rather bigger fish to fry. MN has always been obsessed with 'privacy at all costs' though.

The idea of leaving your husband and breaking up your family when you're pregnant because you're worried your OH could be lying is ridiculous - they could be lying but equally you could just have got it wrong.

Yes, if I had reasonable suspicion and it was a one off type thing (the snooping). Unfortunately some people cheat and lie about it. Some people risk their partners sexual health and are deceitful.
However I wouldn’t snoop just to be nosey or as a regular thing. It would only be a last resort.
If I found something I don’t think I would confront straight away but would gather my thoughts and decide what I wanted to do first.

Yes but that "funny" story isn't a sweet happy ending when you've completely violated the trust in your relationship. If you're genuinely concerned you don't trust your partner, and you don't trust yourself to know if you can trust them if you talk to them - I'm sorry but your relationship is in the pitts.

Checking a phone is about ruling in rather than ruling out.

Unless you're going to be honest when you don't find anything by disclosing to your partner "hey I felt really suspicious and I went through your phone, didn't find anything and now feel awful" all you've become is the deceptive partner you were afraid of having.

If you don't have an open and trusting enough relationship with your partner, and more importantly don't trust yourself in trusting them - it's not a worthwhile relationship that's going to last. When you don't find anything, you're still not going to trust them because you don't trust yourself. If you're worried they're going to lie to you - you could ask them to show your their phone. Looking behind their back is just being the secretive partner you're accusing them of being.

Only if I was at the point of being virtually certain and wanting confirmation for my own sanity.
But I wouldn't expect the relationship to survive if it had got to that point

Weirdly no, I would just ask him outright. I look at my husband’s phone all the time for various things, so if he’s cheating it would be well hidden so no point looking, and I’d rather just have it out than searching and coming up with some plan.

Yes if I had good reasons to suspect I would

Well you can do that. If you deem necessary. That's your rule though. Some may see watch and wait as more appropriate the behaviour is still in place.

What do you mean watch and wait? Do you mean after checking your partner's phone to not disclose it? So basically violate one of the pillars of trust in your relationship and not own up to it / address the issue and this is justified by...worrying your partner is doing the same to you?

Keep an eye on behaviour outwith phone. That's your definition of a pillar of trust, not a mandated one.

Yes I absolutely would and I have. We use each others phones, know each others codes anyway so it’s not a big deal. But when DH started acting sketchy i did have a good nose through and found out he was involved with a long haired red head! Fortunately for me, she was a dog he was adopting for me as a surprise, but he is so shit at keeping secrets I knew instantly something was off. And yes, I told him I’d looked. He didn’t care.
If I had found evidence of something dodgy? I like to think I’d keep my powder dry but in reality I think I’d confront immediately.

Privacy is a pretty basic pillar of trust in any relationship. If you really don't think each person is entitled to a level of privacy, that's really worrying.

As I said - all are signs your relationship is in the toilet anyway so just end it rather than "watching and waiting", it's not going anywhere good!

Absolutely. What's the alternative? Continue indefinitely in a high minded state of 'trust' while you could be being made a complete fool of and having your health put at risk?
Ask him in the naive hope he will be truthful or the deluded belief you'd know if he was lying?
Or perhaps decide your suspicion alone is sufficient grounds to end the relationship immediately, when in fact you could be wrong and be misreading the situation?

Just out of curiosity - for all those checking their partners phones how do you access their phones? Do you know their passwords?
For what it's worth I would totally check my DH's phone

DH and I know each other’s passcode but don’t check the other’s phone.

No, they're your definitions. Others disagree.

I mean, would you look through someone's gym or work bag for something like condoms or receipts, or their drawers for, say, a gift at Christmas? If so, why are electronics so different in principle? I wouldn't believe a 'no' by the way. Not in a serious relationship where leaving would spell major upheaval. I'm not interested in legislation, I'm asking about the principle.

Yes but only if i suspected cheating, I probably would not confront him straight away, I would build up evidence and take screenshot.
I'd also get all my ducks in a row incase I wanted to divorce him.
I'd probably see a solicitor to get advice of what financial evidence i needed, just incase.