Would you check your partners phone if you suspected them cheating?

[fern45]

NC'd and looking for a hand hold. If you had suspicion and chance to snoop on their phone, would you? And if you found something would you confront them straight away?

I’ve personally never felt the need to check DH’s phone and don’t think I ever would. I guess being in that position is different though as you don’t really know what you’d do.

All I will say is, if I found out my DH had been through my phone because he thought I was cheating (he wouldn’t find anything) I would be really hurt, I would probably take a while to get over it to be honest!

Unless your actually going to leave if you find out there’s honestly no point looking.

You need to be 100% that you are ready to leave before you look otherwise you look get hurt, confront and stay while he likely does it again.

People always come out with this kind of thing but I disagree. You may get a smoking gun in which case you take steps to move on. Crap but decision made. Less likely but you may find evidence of a huge suspicious looking but lovely surprise for you. Back away silently.

Yes you may be left with no conclusion but the phone isn't a source of possible evidence that you're querying. If you're at this point, I think look. It's not to say don't act based on how the situation makes you feel but it's also not as simple as that in a lot of cases.

Yes I absolutely would.

I think you need to consider very carefully what you'll do if you find nothing though

Yep, had to do this once and I was right. Considering he'd spent months telling me how mad I was for even thinking it, it was nice to realise that I wasn't insane after all. No regrets, no shame.

I haven't had a need to, but yes, I would look, if I felt he wasn't being honest with me and was most likely cheating. Maybe things are already over at that point, but I'd still want to confirm it to myself, if possible, before confronting him and splitting up. If there were things I needed to do or document for personal security, I'd try to put off telling him what I'd found, though I think it would be difficult to behave normally around him.

My husband is not a child if I suspected something I would just ask, communication may solve lots of the worlds problems

You can't "work on" a partner who is prepared to totally violate your right to privacy simply because they are paranoid, jealous, insecure, or do not trust you.

If you don't have 100% trust in your partner, your relationship is fundamentally broken, and if they've done nothing to merit having their right to privacy ignored then the issue is entirely with the person prepared to ignore it. "Suspicion" is not a justification.

Mumsnet is utterly batshit when it comes to this. People are told to plant tracking devices and all sorts, and it's considered totally normal behaviour.

Any partner who even hinted they wanted to look at my phone would be out of the door without their feet touching the ground.

Nonsense

Totally ignoring right to privacy is not how human beings work. Not ones with any decency anyway.

The "how else would you find out" thing is yet more pathetic attempts to justify totally unjustifiable behaviour.

If you are so suspicious that you can't let it go, then you end the relationship, because even if your partner reassures you there is nothing going on and they are being 100% honest, you are still not going to accept that. Nobody has to "prove" honesty in a relationship, because it's something that should be taken for granted in any case, and it's batshit, stalking, controlling, deranged behaviour to expect a partner to have to constantly prove their honesty.

If you don't trust your partner, why the fuck are you even contemplating staying in the relationship in the first place?

That's a bit harsh, and it's rarely that straightforward. In my case I had a baby, worked part time and had no means of moving out based on suspicion. I was also in a mentally abusive marriage to an alcoholic who was skilled at making me think I was losing my mind.

You would be committing a Criminal Offence if you did.

Computer Misuse Act 1990

Unauthorised access to systems.

Please don't advocate this, no matter how well intentioned.

Yes, because men who are cheating tend to be really honest about it when asked 🙄

Why is it batshit or deranged if a partner 's behaviour appreciably changes, pointing towards cheating (mentioning another, late from work etc), but one has no proof of wrongdoing? Does one just leave a home, marriage, family when there is a plausible story offered? Remember that many cheats will lie and cover their tracks. You may not agree with checking phones and of course this could be abused but I don't see your reasoning when there is deception involved.

Of course, I dumped him after the inspection.

Then you can't really say with certainty until you're in that position. I was (after 26 years of what I thought was a lovely marriage) and the range of emotions is worse than being hit by an express train. It's like nothing I'd ever experienced before, even bereavement. I always thought if that if he cheated I'd pack his bags, smuggly show him the door and head straight for a lawyer, like they do in the movies, but after sharing half your life with someone, believe me, it really doesn't work like that.

Wow. Poor you. What happened after he denied it? Did you leave straight away. How long until he confessed he was a liar and a cheater? Was she single, so many questions.

About 10 years ago I was in a long term relationship. My ex always seemed so respectful, kind and I had no concerns about him at all.

But then suddenly he started to get very secretive, possessive of his phone etc. I tried to ask him about it, and he denied any wrongdoing, but did it in a mature and open way. I tried to carry on but had a niggling feeling in the back of my mind.

I decided one day to check his phone. Not only had he been cheating but he had child sex abuse images on his phone. I was utterly horrified as there had been no other red flags in the relationship whatsoever. He was soon arrested after I reported him to the police and the relationship ended.

For anyone blabbing on about the computer misuse act etc etc, do you really think I did the wrong thing? I was due to marry this man, have children etc. Had I not checked his phone I dread to think what could have happened in years to come.

My God, that's horrendous.

Yes

I personally wouldn't go through a partners phone. For me, if I'm at the point of suspecting them of cheating, then I don't trust them and that's not a relationship I'd want to be in anyway.

I also don't see the point in tormenting myself looking for evidence. If they are cheating, seeing it in black and white wouldn't make me feel any better either way.

It depends on your circumstances. If like me you were living in another country to support them and their career, wouldn't you want to know if they were having an affair if it was at the detriment of your own career path?

Yes

If a person is suspicious of their partner everything that partner would do would be suspicious, guilty or not. if someone snooped and did not find anything does not mean their partner is not up to something

I refuse to live like that

No, I wouldn't know how as he uses a fingerprint unlock. I think I might try, and to check his laptop too but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't be able to. His security is very tight as all his devices are work related and their settings are strict. I only use his phone very occasionally to take a photo but that can be done without unlocking. I've never had to think too hard about it as he's never given me any suspicions.