Would you check your partners phone if you suspected them cheating?

[fern45]

NC'd and looking for a hand hold. If you had suspicion and chance to snoop on their phone, would you? And if you found something would you confront them straight away?

I would have if I had a serious suspicion, but in 19 years I’ve never even considered it a possibility.

If I were suspicious enough to look at this point we’d have had significant issues leading up to it I think.

I did, once, and I was right. I think you know when you know, and looking for evidence isn't wrong.

Absolutely 💯

Agreed, seen too many women blindsided to believe in that anymore.

Yes I would. I’ve never had to thankfully.

Yep.

A bit naive and short-sighted. How else would you find out then, if you did suspect something?
Most mothers don't have the luxury of thinking 'I'm not going to check his phone because the relationship is over now anyway'.
It's a bit more nuanced than that, in reality.

Did the women's name come up or did you recognise the number I would have screenshot the incoming call , they usually delete it . Think about what you want to do if he is cheating, in a few days say oh forgot to tell you xxxx rang, she didn't leave a message.if he gets defensive about you looking at his phone just say it was ringing and ringing so you answered it.

husband of 25yrs wanted a divorce "no one else" etc etc. BUT he never had a lock on his phone - I knew something fishy was going on when he put one on.

I did some digital snooping and soon found the mistress. It put me in a strong position as I had evidence of his lying when he wanted to appear "the good guy who had just fallen out of love" to our DC and his family. I did not get blindsided by the revelations when they came and I was able to convince him to have an honest conversation with the DC before they found out.

Knowing gave me time to think. So yes, find out as much as you can and prepare yourself emotionally.

Contrast this thread with all the "I caught my husband snooping through my phone" threads. On all of those, where his justification is to check if his wife is having an affair, the invariable response is that its a gross invasion of privacy, controlling, and to LTB.

Yeah it's just ridiculous to say 'once you don't trust them the relationship is over' like who is a) going to blow up their marriage/life over a suspicion and b) could actually cope with never actually knowing what/if anything happened. That's not how human beings work.

Sometimes people checking phones comes from a place of control. Women who post on here about their husbands doing this are often describing controlling relationships. In that case phone checking isn't ok. However in a situation where you would never normally do it but you are pretty sure something is going on I don't think either sex should be blamed for checking.

If you found out he was cheating would you end the relationship?

I personally would end the relationship if my partner went through my phone and I assume most partners would do the same.

So by going through his phone (regardless of what you find) you are choosing to end the relationship.

I can’t help feeling that you don’t want to end the relationship, even if you found proof of cheating (which is understandable given your situation) but if you’re not going to end the relationship then why would you want to know?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I really hope he’s not cheating.

Yes I would if I suspected cheating, it’s a lack of respect. So all bets are off.There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy.

Is it really that high-minded to not look at the phone? By the time there are children, finances and all the entanglements of a long term family life to consider?

I would consider it my responsibility to my children to get as much information as I could to make sure I handled any split with their best interests for the future in mind. Part of the whole classic Mumsnet 'get your ducks in a row'. I'm afraid my children's future is far, far more important to me than any notions of self-respect when it comes to someone else's privacy - especially a person who may not be looking out for them as they should. In your case he wouldn't just be doing the dirty on you but, far worse, hed be doing the dirty on your children. To me at that point any of the niceties about 'snooping' go out of the window.

Yes. I did exactly that.

Really, I was pretty certain- although I’d picked the wrong person as the likely partner. It was a fucking mess.

What lack of respect is he showing if he's not cheating?

Of course, but only if I really suspected I'd find something.

No. If it's come to that I would leave and I would break up with anyone checking my phone.

It would be impossible they have a code but I'd look for evidence yes

Right…

Sadly a lot of comments and advice from people who have never been in your situation OP.

My STBXH went through a phase of acting very suspicious. If I had had the opportunity to go through his phone would I have? Absolutely! Did it get the chance? Hell no, that phone was surgically attached to him. Even when he was asleep. Turns out my suspicions were right, he was up to all kinds of weird shit. Even when he was trying to prove he was innocent he was still in another room deleting stuff off of his phone, he must have thought I was born yesterday.

I agree with this.

And I also think looking through the phone wouldn't necessarily help. It might confirm what you're thinking, but if you find no evidence of cheating, will that ever actually reassure you? Or would you just think he covers his tracks well and therefore remain suspicious.

Also, if I found out my DH went through my phone because he suspected I was cheating, I’d be furious.

If I suspected cheating, that’s what id find . I know my partner better than he knows himself. It’s just intuition and generally speaking, a woman’s is rarely wrong.

You can justify anything to yourself with that logic! I can do what i want because I'm always right.