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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you grew up poor do you ever miss it?

229 replies

Fstt1978 · 08/03/2025 21:43

This is a weird one. I grew up very poor , generational benefits, insecure housing etc.
I'm now firmly middle class to anyone looking in , and I'm probably romanticising it, but sometimes I find myself missing the simplicity of my other life. It's hard to talk about as it's very crass, and I have a lovely secure life now, but sometimes the choice of everything is overwhelming. Can anyone relate? I do not wnat to come over as tone deaf or entitled etc but I do find the class jump hard.

OP posts:
orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 09/03/2025 15:43

No, I do not miss my childhood. We weren't just poor, I was abused, unloved, ignored, ridiculed, bullied at school (mostly for being poor) and thrown too young into adulthood.

If I was baking scones very Sunday with loving parents I'm sure I would miss it.

It's the simplicity of your childhood you miss, not being poor.

I do sometimes miss the simplicity of life but I'm talking about my early 20s in around 2009-2012, when life was just simpler. Modern life is over complicated.

Fstt1978 · 09/03/2025 15:53

I agree that modern life is over complicated

OP posts:
countingthedays945 · 09/03/2025 15:59

No I don't miss it. Why would anyone miss being disadvantaged and looked down on?

Are you sure you were poor op?

skipdiddyskip · 09/03/2025 16:03

I remember my mum shouting at me that we weren't made of money because I asked for £1 so I could eat some lunch out with my friends when I was a teen.

No, I don't miss it.

Fstt1978 · 09/03/2025 16:05

countingthedays945 · 09/03/2025 15:59

No I don't miss it. Why would anyone miss being disadvantaged and looked down on?

Are you sure you were poor op?

Yes please read the full thread for a full understanding, or at least my posts

OP posts:
orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 09/03/2025 16:08

skipdiddyskip · 09/03/2025 16:03

I remember my mum shouting at me that we weren't made of money because I asked for £1 so I could eat some lunch out with my friends when I was a teen.

No, I don't miss it.

I remember walking across an assembly hall in front of the entire school with my shoe flapping about because they were broken and I didn't even dare ask for new ones.
Even now I have issues speaking out about things I need because I was brought up knowing better than to ask. My husband will say "do you need anything from the shops" and I will stumble over my words and feel guilty. I'm 38 😄

Sorry - I'm not trying to do a "the four Yorkshire men" bit 😆

caringcarer · 09/03/2025 16:09

I grew up in a household where there was never any spare money. My parents managed their money well but they couldn't afford treats. Luckily for me I had 2 wonderful dearest Aunties who lived very closely to me and my sisters. They lavished love and little treats on to us. I don't mean big things but one Auntie bought us a comic every Saturday morning and the other took us to Saturday morning cinema and bought us a swim pass for the summer holidays. I try to pass this on by treating my nephew's and nieces. Do miss not being able to have things I wanted, absolutely not. I'm grateful I can afford to have nice things and great holidays.

Shoezembagsforever · 09/03/2025 16:12

I can see what you mean. We struggled financially for a couple of years and then things became good last summer.

I have noticed since though that being able to afford something does devalue it to an extent.

For example, going out for dinner to a lovely restaurant on my birthday in 2024, when we didn't have much money, felt almost more thrilling than going on a beautiful two week holiday later in the year when we could easily afford it.

countingthedays945 · 09/03/2025 16:14

@Fstt1978 I've read all your posts and I still don't get it. It seems like you experienced the best of humble beginnings without the worst op. All credit to your parents from protecting you from that.

Some of us weren't so fortunate and therefore no, are not nostalgic for it.

Fstt1978 · 09/03/2025 16:20

countingthedays945 · 09/03/2025 16:14

@Fstt1978 I've read all your posts and I still don't get it. It seems like you experienced the best of humble beginnings without the worst op. All credit to your parents from protecting you from that.

Some of us weren't so fortunate and therefore no, are not nostalgic for it.

OK no worries, it wasn't like this bug like others have said, it's complicated to explian

OP posts:
gannett · 09/03/2025 16:26

GOD no I don't miss being poor.

I'm satisfied to have experienced poverty. I can't relate to anyone who's never once struggled financially andit always seems to be their world view is naive and limited when it comes to poverty.

Being broke also left me with a very sensible and frugal approach to money. I haven't bothered to train myself out of it, I think it's healthy.

Actually being poor, I don't miss it at all.

Motherrr · 09/03/2025 16:30

Fstt1978 · 08/03/2025 21:53

Oh my god I get this 100%
I feel exactly the same. My hometown is deprived/rough area and yet I feel totally myself there. I live in a gorgeous place, safe and calm. But it's like it's an alternate life , not my real one

I can relate to this too
Grew up in a 'normal' family, almost never ate out, parents worked and saved very hard to pay off mortgage. Nothing was wasted and they were very savvy.

Now live in range rover County and I feel very out of place

savethatkitty · 09/03/2025 16:31

Gogogo12345 · 09/03/2025 14:01

Hmmm many middle class people also buy secondhand clothing you know Have you never heard of the NCT clothes sales?

I know, thanks. Now that I'm an adult, I thrift myself.

I'm talking about when I was a child. Wearing second-hand clothes wasn't something my peers admired, it was something to be teased about, another thing that made us stand out as "poor".

cramptramp · 09/03/2025 16:35

I certainly don't miss having no central heating (only an electric fire in one room of the house), no phone, no washing machine, no holidays etc. But it has made me really appreciate what I have now.

5128gap · 09/03/2025 16:37

No. Because simple was the last thing it was. I can't think of a single aspect of life that's more simple if you're poor than if you're comfortable. Every last thing was a massive, complex, anxiety creating ordeal, from what to feed yourself to deciding which bill was the least worst to default on. The endless budgeting, creative ways to make do, deciding between one essential and another. Every life event twice as hard. Honestly, if you found that 'simpler', then you're doing comfortable wrong.

GiddyRobin · 09/03/2025 16:40

No. I can see what you mean from a childhood perspective, and I'm proud of my dad for the work he put in for us (he was widowed and worked all the hours he could to keep a roof over our heads), but...nope.

Unable to use the heating, stress over bills, no travel, emergencies like shoes breaking being horrible, unable to afford good toiletries, scrimping and saving for simple things, mould in the walls, ice on the windows. No.

I'm considered very middle class now. That said, I still shop second hand, grow my own food, cook from scratch, and don't buy all the latest tech, blah blah. But that's a choice now that I get to make, and if I want to go and blow £500 on a dress or book a weekend away at short notice, I can. I worked really hard to get where I am in life.

That said, the people I mix with aren't particularly showy or spendy. My friends are all academics, artists, creative types. I live rurally and it's a very community minded village, quiet and sleepy. I'd be far less comfortable in a rich suburb with flashy cars and all that type of thing, but that's probably also personality as much as anything.

That's all a bit of a ramble, anyway. But no, no I definitely wouldn't like to go back.

Aliceglass · 09/03/2025 16:43

Yes! I miss the simpler times. It makes me sad that despite me earning good money, I can’t give my children the freedom and countryside location that I grew up and thrived in. I lived very rural in a council estate and those were definitely the best years of my childhood. Meals were basic, we had little materially but we made our own fun.

sunshineday20 · 09/03/2025 16:54

I do and I don't. I think nostalgia plays into it, however my experiences as a child were probably different to how my mother felt sometimes. She struggled to make ends meet and we went through a hard few years where we had no electric or gas until she could afford to put it on. I don't miss her working multiple jobs and working so many Christmas days in a restaurant because she had to.

I enjoyed living on a council estate, we all used to play out and nearly everyone knew each other. My sister feels the same, she is 10 years younger than me and we both agree that many of our friends in school didn't experience this as it has become less and less common. There was definitely a sense of community there, families looked out for each other.

I also come from a big family, I loved living in a mad house and struggled at first when I moved in with DH. The quiet and being alone was really hard, and just less going on. But I enjoy it now, when I go round to my mum's I still love it but look forward to quiet sanctuary at home 😂.

kitchentablegardentable · 09/03/2025 16:58

@Fstt1978 I think I get where you are coming from and I feel similarly.

My mum grew up in a very working class area. She was, however, very ambitious, and moved to a very affluent area half an hour away where I grew up.

Mum worked long hours so I spent a lot of time being looked after at my nans, in the working class area.

I loved it and was very happy. Although from a young age I can remember being very aware of the differences, and friends from my affluent hometown saying things differently to my nan, buying and eating different food etc. From a young age I was aware of the cultural divide and felt quite insecure about it, always watching what I said and how I spoke etc.

Nan died when I was a teen, and the contact with that side of the family lessened. My mum was a huge snob and cut contact with most of her friends and family from that area over the years. We still did see some family and I loved the easy familiarity of it all, in and out each other houses etc. I was kind of included but kind of on the outside.

I don't know the details of how poor they were and obviously there will have been stresses there, but other things were just easier. Beers would be bought from Lidl on a Friday and drank in the garden. Yes, to the cuppas in each other kitchens instead of out for coffees. I can remember a cousin saying her friend was coming round for lunch the next day. I said "ooh, what are you making?" She looked a bit surprised and said "just cheese baps". It was the company that was important, not the food, and I felt an idiot for asking.

I can remember my niece at a family party, with two of her friends. They were around 10 and playing in the front room, jumping on couches etc. Their socks were filthy, just general dirt from floors that weren't that clean (probably because it was a party and lots of people coming and going). They were just playing, and grabbing each others feet and laughing etc and not at all bothered by the mucky socks. It just made me realise how self conscious I would have been with the friends I grew up with. I'd have felt so embarrassed in case they noticed my dirty socks and judged me. It was lovely to see such close, un self conscious friendships, because they seemed to know they were just all the same.

It's hard to articulate.

I think there is a fine line. Overcrowding is obviously a big issue for many. But on the other hand I think the smaller houses often make for closer families and have a much cosier feel.

The house I grew up in was very large. We had numerous living rooms, lots of bedrooms. I would come from a night out as a teen, pop my head around door of living room to say hi to my parents...that was often it.

Whereas I see my wider family in their standard ex council semis, all chatting together in living room of an evening and it is lovely.

BeyondMyWits · 09/03/2025 17:00

No I don't miss it. Looking back it was gut wrenchingly awful. If you couldn't catch it grow it or forage it you had very little to eat. We lived on a small Scottish island with seemingly endless horizontal rain. We mainly ate fish and potato.
We 4 kids shared a room with 2 sets of bunk beds, girls one side, boys the other. Mum and dad had a fold out bed in the main room.

There was no joy in that to reminisce on fondly.

DurbevillesGirl2 · 09/03/2025 17:18

I’m the opposite! Grew up middle class but now poor living in a flat in area I do not like. There’s not one day where aI don’t miss my childhood living in a pretty village in a warm home, surrounded by countryside and attending village events. Take me back!

SnoopyPajamas · 09/03/2025 17:29

Fstt1978 · 09/03/2025 15:04

I can't take credit really. I'm intelligent but I benefitted from the last years of full grants so uni was free for me. I've worked solidly since, and just got a bit more savings each year. It wasn't hard work it was luck as you say and an exceptional careers teacher at my school who rounded up us estate kids and even did home visits to our parents to explain that uni wouldn't cost them anything and we should go.

There's always that element of luck in it, but it doesn't mean you can't take credit for your own hard work. You can and you should. Just because the door doesn't open for everyone, doesn't mean it didn't take effort to reach it in the first place. (I agree there was a window of time when social mobility was easier than it is now, though.)

I do think it must create an anxiety though, when you jump class. A feeling that you don't really belong somehow, and if you don't do everything 'right' you might lose it all. All the unspoken rules are stressful and no-one ever taught them to you, so it makes sense you want to escape it sometimes, and go back to the only other thing you know. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's just a feeling

Furryfeline · 09/03/2025 20:19

It's your childhood you're missing not the poverty. I grew up poor but I was loved and cared for, I miss that but as an adult I wouldn't want to be poor again.

5128gap · 10/03/2025 08:23

If you've adopted certain behaviours and lifestyle that you associate with being middle class, and you're finding them stressful or dull or that you're a fish out of water, then there is nothing to stop you living differently. Your affluence gives you the choice. You shouldn't confuse missing a culture and way of life that is familiar to you with missing poverty itself. There is nothing rosy or desirable about having less money. But if you really believe there is, it's far easier to become poor than become rich, so you have the option. Meanwhile, there is something about this sort of romanticising poverty that really doesn't sit right with me. It veils the misery behind it and perpetuates the idea that 'the poor' are fine really.

Comtesse · 10/03/2025 09:09

5128gap · 09/03/2025 16:37

No. Because simple was the last thing it was. I can't think of a single aspect of life that's more simple if you're poor than if you're comfortable. Every last thing was a massive, complex, anxiety creating ordeal, from what to feed yourself to deciding which bill was the least worst to default on. The endless budgeting, creative ways to make do, deciding between one essential and another. Every life event twice as hard. Honestly, if you found that 'simpler', then you're doing comfortable wrong.

I think this is spot on. It can clearly be fine to be a kid growing up without much money (subject to embarrassment, can’t have your friends round, no personal space etc), but I bet it was no bed of roses for the parents who were worrying about all sorts. So the experience of the parent and the child could be very very different.

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