Worried about DD who is NC

[SMEHJmammy]

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

I was one of only 2. My DB is 18 months younger. No additional needs for either of us.
I was the good and easy child, In helped out at home, did a lot for my Mum as she worked FT.
We lived on a farm and I helped my Dad with that too, before and after school.
He did nothing and was so naughty.

He got all the love, praise and attention from our parents. So much so that just recently I told my Mum that I felt like they only had one child. She thought that was 'a bit harsh'.

I don't recall ever being hugged or told I was loved until I was an adult.

No parents eve for me, no sports day, no interest in careers day or anything to do with my education. Not encouraged to go to college or uni, no interest in my first job. In fact my Mum was nasty about my first job.
All was for him. All love and care was for him.

I was nagged relentlessly about not getting pregnant, I'd be disowned etc etc.
Guess who got his girlfriend pregnant at 16?
I moved out when I was 16 and moved abroad 21 years ago.

Now, he barely speaks to my Mum, doesn't visit my dad.

My Mum moved abroad to be near me, no escape.
So we are closer now but I can't completely forget and I'm 55.

Shitty childhood stays with you forever.

It’s literally in the OP that DD is in contact with her dad. You have no idea that an apology from him would not be acceptable. You’ve never met any of them.

So what in your view will the DD get out of a relationship with the OP?
Of what benefit will it be?

I can’t believe I am reading this!
OP has come on Mumsnet for advice and you’re judging her.
She is not looking for advice on her choices made 20 years ago.

Unless the OP changes, and her posts say that she hasn't, why would the DD want to spend time with her?

Ah OP, I really feel for you. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that the parent is "to blame" when an adult child goes non contact. But with both anorexia and substance abuse, it's just as likely their thinking has become incredibly twisted. Sadly, the mums are often the easiest target for their anger and resentment, and it's heartbreaking for you.

I was very similar to your dd in all you've described. I was one of the eldest of 5 siblings, A stars all the way, compliant, capable, relatively organised, driven, a coper, etc. Under the surface I had terrible mental health, also adhd, and this manifested as aggression towards my parents, substance abuse and promiscuity.

In my case, my poor parents persevered through many tearful fights, and separations, and apologies. Eventually I realised they weren't the enemy, they were only human, they did their best. I had a fair bit of therapy.

Then when I went into recovery aged 36, the scskes really came off my eyes. I realised what an arsehole I'd been. Resentful, ungrateful. Entitled. And just mean to all my family, because whilst also being caring, I had a huge resentment about always having to find for myself. A martyr complex I guess.

I'm sharing this very personal stuff to try to show that it might just be beyond your control. Can you join Al Anon family groups to get sone coping strategies?

These all seem like excused to justify how you treated her and make yourself feel better. You still continued to have children when she was being neglected and you already had ND children before her.

The only thing you can do now, is make a safeguarding referral to adult services in her area, inform her university of your concerns, send a load of food shopping to her address, and leaflets on alcohol and drugs. I would also let her GP in the local area know. I work in this line and these are things you can and should do. Reach out with an olive branch, but don't force her.

I don't know. I'm just astonished at all the people going NC and thinking this is a perfectly normal response.

I say this because I have two adopted children who are adults now. They were removed from their birth parents due to neglect and abuse and their paperwork makes for extremely difficult reading.

Adopters are expected to do life story work with adopted children to help them make sense of what happened, process it, move on. They get therapy to help with this. Many adopted children make peace with their birth parents, even if they don't see them.

The idea that going NC is a solution just seems simplistic to me.

Anyway, this organisation may help https://www.standalone.org.uk/ it helps vulnerable estranged adults

OP has already explained that her eldest child wasn't diagnosed until the age of nine (so after all the other DC had been born), and then three DC were involved in an RTA, leading to injuries that required ongoing care.

Maybe part of it is the the OP and other parents where the child has gone NC, haven't done the life story work to make sense what has happened to them.

Ooh now, let's think 🤔
How about love, companionship, advice, support in difficult times? Perhaps help with DD's own kids in the future, if she has any. It sounds like OP is keen to make amends, her youngest is 18 now (so she probably has a bit more time/headspace available), and DD is 22 and very independent, so her needs are less now. The relationship didn't quite work before but things have changed and it could work now. At 22, the DD could still benefit a lot from a relationship with her mum.

My elder sister and I were very much like this. Our mother kept having babies because she liked babies (not so much toddlers and children as they weren't so cute and obedient) and didn't want to work. She too had five kids but none of us were complex needs as such, just dragged up in abject poverty with a mother who paid no attention to us and a father who had to work 3 jobs to pay for everything.

We both left home and her behind. And when she died we celebrated that the toxic old bag was finally out of our lives.

You reap what you sow 🤷‍♀️

I wish people would stop berating you for having all your children. It doesn't help and might make you feel worse than you already do. You might try writing to your daughter to explain your feelings but perhaps don't assume she will reply.

TheSeaOfTranquility

Ooh now, let's think 🤔

What's the MN response? Oh yes did you mean to be so rude?

How about love, companionship, advice, support in difficult times?

That hasn't happened so far, its part of the reason for going NC

Perhaps help with DD's own kids in the future, if she has any.

why would she want to risk that?

It sounds like OP is keen to make amends, her youngest is 18 now (so she probably has a bit more time/headspace available), and DD is 22 and very independent, so her needs are less now. The relationship didn't quite work before but things have changed and it could work now. At 22, the DD could still benefit a lot from a relationship with her mum.

The DD was independent before, she had to be, so why should she give the OP a chance when she hasn't shown in her responses that she has changed?

Sorry for your pain OP. Your DD is obviously still hurting.

From the sound of her hobbies, money wasn't an issue, so she could be resentful of you not getting childcare/help so you could spend quality time with her.

All you can do is write to her. Apologise fpr the childhood she missed, which is having more present parents.

Don't make excuses, don't mention her current lifestyle and don't expect a reply.

She may well send the letter back, but let her know you're there for her should she ever feel she wants to talk. Baby steps.

@TheSeaOfTranquility

How about love, companionship, advice, support in difficult times?

Why would the DD want this from the one person who should have given this always but didn't?

Perhaps help with DD's own kids in the future, if she has any.

Why the fuck would she want OP anywhere near any children she has? Fuck that shit.

It sounds like OP is keen to make amends, her youngest is 18 now (so she probably has a bit more time/headspace available), and DD is 22 and very independent, so her needs are less now.

It actually doesn't sound like that at all. To even begin to make amends OP would have to acknowledge her wrong doing. She doesn't.

The relationship didn't quite work before but things have changed and it could work now.

Didn't quite work? Her mother failed her so bad. That's not a relationship not quite working it's a grown adult with responsibility for a child failing them.

At 22, the DD could still benefit a lot from a relationship with her mum.

She. Does. Not. Want. A. Relationship.

I work in a supermarket, I do the accuracy checks of self checkout, I was doing one for a man in his 40's He asked why he had to have his shipping scanned but others didn't, I said oh it's just random, It pops up on my machine and I have to just do the ones that come up, I have no control over it, he said do you always do what your told? I said I do at work, to which he replied "show us your tits then" I just looked his in shock, but carried on scanning away, I finished off in silence, as he walked away, he said "so you showing me or not" I just said so and walked away, instead of leaving he decided to wait another 20 minutes just leaning on the little fence that surrounds the area and stare at me. I almost walked out that day it was horrible

Somehow managed to comment on the totally wrong post, I have no idea how I'm so sorry!

I know you say letting her down wasn't from lack of love.. but that doesn't mean it didn't feel like it.

Anorexia is a mental health condition with the highest mortality rate. It sounds like her life hasn't been "easy" and she's felt alone through it all.

I'm not trying to be horrible to you because 4 kids with chronic conditions must be awful. 5 healthy children is a lot so with those complexities and then a "easy" child with a complex mental health condition must have been a huge pressure. But you chose to keep expanding your family despite having children with disabilities and conditions spreading you thinner and thinner.

You missed out on important things for 1 of your 5 kids, you made her feel alone and anorexia is a horrible condition itself and if she had that as a teen she wasn't your "healthy" child.

I think a first step is you need to recognise the hurt you caused and stop ruining a good apology with excuses or "reasons" about how you didn't do it out of lack of love. Your feelings don't matter if your behaviour doesn't reinforce them.

I'd ask her what she needs, and listen even if it hurts. Suggest family counselling with her maybe, but I'd start asking how you can show up for her.

So what that OP is keen to make amends? Or that it could work now? That doesn’t oblige the daughter to be in the slightest bit interested. She doesn’t owe anyone a relationship.

She doesn’t want a relationship with her mother, regardless of what OP is offering.

You kept having children with such complex needs that meant you couldn’t adequately parent. You don’t sound like someone with good judgement so why should she listen to you? Focus on reflecting on your decisions and behaviour and ways to genuinely apologise and make amends if you ever want a relationship with her. All I see here is you judging her (relatively normal for uni student) behaviours.

I think you might want to read up on parentifed child as it is sounds lie what you have done to your daughter

As someone who could be OP's daughter (minus the ADHD diagnosis) and who is clinging onto contact with my own mother by the skin of my teeth, this thread hit me hard.

Some of the responses made me cry, and I almost never cry. I don't really know what to say, except thank you to all the people who got angry about this and defended OP's daughter going NC. It's the first time in my life I haven't felt judged for being angry at my mother.