Just need a rant because I feel awful

[cheekycee]

I know it's early but I'm so upset.
I left a DV relationship last year. My mum was reluctant for me to come back to her house as she didn't want me there with the kids but my dad did. He said escape the situation and come back. Soon as I come here my mother made me feel unwelcome and uneasy. I feel like I've had no support from my family behave they said it's my own fault that I kept going back and went near him in the first place. Now I never knew this man was bad. He was an abuser so of course he seemed so lovely at the beginning. I went through hell with him day in day out I even tried to take my own life it got so bad but no one's sat down with me and said "are you ok" or "do you want to talk about it". Anyway, my mum fell out with me and has been doing sly things behind my fathers back to get at me like cramming silly things some aren't even mine into my small room I share with my two children along with all of our belongings. She's unreasonable and very aggressive so I didn't confront her I went to my dad.
I then heated my dad say the things are being stored elsewhere for now. She started calling me the worst most hurtful names to my dad to which my dad was defending me telling her I am living here and that's that room is going to be made. Then she proceeds to say "I wonder what she did to wind perpateators name up" I went downstairs at this point as I lost it. She's basically saying I deserved the abuse? She has no idea what I went through because she wasn't there at the time or afterwards! I basically told her she's out of order and had a volition mouth and mind for thinking and saying such thing. She then said "erw look at your face going on".
I don't know what to do. I am so hurt. It's clear here my dad wants me and my children here but she doesn't. The alternative is to go into a sheltered accommodation which at this point I'm quite considering doing because I can't keep my kids in this toxic environment or around her. I start a new job on Monday too and so I'm really on borrowed time.

Thank you

FOLLOW ON - at this point I am actually wondering if it is me. How can I have an abusive partner and have to flee him and then an abusive patent and need to flee them?? I honestly am trying to figure out wtf is going on with me..

So sorry your going through this, you did not deserve the abuse! It isn’t you, and your dad sounds so kind and worried bless him. But I really would consider sheltered accommodation as you said, your kids can’t be around a toxic environment & also you need to heal

Yes I agree, I suppose my next question would be am I ok to say I don't want anything more to do with my mother and once I go Ill be cutting her off

No. It’s not you.

She is being unkind. I’m a mum and if my child came to me and told me they had been abused I would be devastated for them and offer whatever support I could.

Your dad must be mortified and beside himself!

It's not you.
You are the victim.
She's abhorrent.

My dad's done so much to help. Even allowed me to cut contact with my ex and he speaks with him now not that he wants to but he doesn't want him to have access to me. she's done nothing.
Idk this comment has just really triggered me I thought I was ok but now I can't stop crying and feel really devastated. Not that I like my mother obviously but idk I just think wow how could a mum say that to a child it's ruthless. I am also a mother and I'd support my kids all the way with anything and everything.

I would really consider it, has she always been volatile towards you? Or has it been since the abuse and you moving in? I just don’t know how a mother can react so coldly to her child whether she’d told you to stay away from him a million times my natural instinct would be to comfort and support you

She's always been this way to me and my eldest brother. She physically attacked my sister when she lived with her and called her names to her children. Now my sister doesn't live here they're okay but honestly looking back to kids she was rotten to my brother throughout his life. If it was these days she'd raised him in we would be in care and I am sure of that

Your mother abused you. You then went and found a partner who did the same because you did not know any better.

You will only start to heal when you are not under her roof.

Are you on a council house waiting list? If not sign up. Look for a property to rent.

See your GP to see if you can get some counselling.

I can't quote reply to the above for some reason. Yes I'm on the waiting list as this was only temporary that I am here anyway (my mother made that clear but I get that because I do see it's a lot for me and two children to come back at their age and it's their home I get it completely this isn't the issue it's how she's acted since I've been back).
I'm on a waiting list for counselling, too.

I just need to get away and have some time away.

Because having an abusive parent meant you didn't learn healthy relationships are were more vulnerable to partner abusing you as an adult. That's a fact. I used to wonder the same about myself then learnt I was an easy target because my mother never taught me how it feels to be loved and trained me to please others to not be criticised and insulted.

It's not you. It's your mother. Just concentrate on protecting your children as much as you can so they won't have to suffer this burden.

Do the freedom program it really helps

So sorry to read this. The abuse is not your fault, you are a victim. Have you been to the council to explain your situation escaping DV, and get on their housing list? It’s crucial to get that ball rolling if you haven’t already.

You need to get yourself and your DC to a safe, peaceful environment as your mother’s toxicity will be impacting them. Your Dad sounds great and hopefully he can continue to offer good support once you get your own place. And then you can choose to go low contact with your mother or whatever you feel is best for you. She sounds vile. Wishing you the best of luck.

How? Probably because you grew up with a vile, abusive mother who seems to be enjoying kicking you when you are down and vulnerable, which is beyond disgusting. Growing up being abused probably made you a lot more vulnerable to being with an abusive partner because your mum normalised you being abused and not cared for.

Tbh I'd move to sheltered accommodation to break the cycle, cur your mum off permanently and make clear to your dad that you love him but the kids and you will only see him going forward because your mum is abusive.

I am really sorry for your situation. I work as a midwife and sadly we see DV on a very regular basis. We also get a lot of training on how to spot the signs etc. So I know what you are talking about.

It's true most abusers present as very charming men.

I don't think it's your fault at all you ended up with an abusive man. You mum doesn't sound the most loving person from your description. I am pretty certain you grew up with her calling you names etc. Mums don't change suddenly when a daughter with young children suddenly needs shelter in her childhood home. I don't want come across as I am rubbishing your mum. She is your mum after all. I am also pretty certain she has her own demons. However I suspect that you fell for an abusive man because you were not brought up in a relationship with healthy boundaries and respectful communication.

It's a good thing you are beginning see patterns in your life. I really do think you will benefit from counselling. Are there any local domestic abuse charities that can offer your free or subsidised counselling?

I also think moving into sheltered accommodation might be a sensible idea. It's difficult for a single woman with children to get private rental. If you are in sheltered accommodation, the council has a legal duty to find you suitableaccommodation. It will take some time but it will eventually happen. It's my understanding they won't do anything if you are living with your parents.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Please grab whatever help is offered to you. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Often it's the bravest thing one can do.

On a personal note, my mum and I had to flee an abusive home. It was very tough for the first couple of years. With the benefit of hindsight it was the best thing that happened to both of us.

I hope it helps

I’m currently having counselling and I’ve realised that my mum conditioned me to accept abuse and gave me the childhood which essentially built an association between love and bullying. It saddens me to realise that I’ve never had a healthy relationship till my children. It could be worth you getting counselling?
Also you may start to see your dad in a different light? My dad knew what my mum was like but still left me in her care. There were times he could have stood up for me but didn’t.

This!

If I was your dad I’d kick your abusive ‘mother’ out.

I have a similar version which means my dad has lost out so much of his family.

Once your job starts etc can you rent a home, can he lend you any money for a deposit or can you utilise the DV additional funding scheme for the one off support payment? Although I’m not sure if it’s still available post Covid?

Gosh she sounds horrid, you poor thing. Why is she like that?

But yes I think I would move out and have nothing to do with her ever again.

Oh hun rant away. It sounds like the shittiest of shit situations and you did the right thing.

No no no! It is not you!
People who have had abusive childhoods are sadly a magnet for abusive partners in adulthood. Not always but often.
How was this charming woman during your childhood...?

Being raised by an abusive parent typically makes people more vulnerable to getting into further abusive relationships as you’re less likely to have been brought up with a healthy sense of self worth or awareness of healthy boundaries. Have you had some therapy to try and boost your self esteem?
treat yourself as you would your best friend, there’s no way you would blame them for bring the victim of someone else’s actions so don’t do it to yourself.
this is your chance to be a cycle breaker and raise your kids to not accept poor / abusive / toxic behaviour from others x

Your mother is probably a factor in you being susceptible to abusive men.

stop thinking about her - easy to say hard to do.
focus your energy on new accommodation. You’ve had good advice.
focus on you relationship with your father

good luck and well done for getting your kids out. Whatever happens don’t go back…

Hi OP, I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's not your fault and your mum is emotionally abusive herself.

What I would suggest you do is go to the local Council. Speak to them and say you fled domestic abuse as it was unsafe to remain where you lived. You have taken refuge at your parent's house but you can't stay there any longer, your mother is aggressive towards you and you are severely overcrowded living in one room.

This is not a healthy or supportive environment and you deserve all the support you can get after what you have been through ❤️

I’m sorry if my post triggered something.

OP, you deserve kindness. Kindness costs nothing and while it might be hard having extra people in the house, it’s a temporary situation. First be kind to yourself, you did not deserve what’s happened to you.

You’ve been through a lot, and I’m pretty sure I’m right when I say I think it’s around 7 times that someone who is abused tries to leave their abuser before they finally manage it.

When you’ve spent a long time in an abusive relationship, it’s not always as easy as people otherwise think to see it for what it is.

I agree with PPs that the way your Mum is behaving is probably a part of the reason you ended up in the situation that you did, and that the Freedom programme would probably help you.

It’s ok to cry, to be sad. You deserve hugs and support, you’ve done a hard thing and it’s the first step on a journey to a better, happier future for you and your children.

Because people who grew up in abusive households tend to repeat the cycle in adult life with their partners.

It’s not you. She has programmed you from a child to seek out this type of relationship with your partners - you are essentially replacing your mother with your adult partners. When you have time I would really start investing in reading some books about breaking generational trauma cycles etc.