Just need a rant because I feel awful

[cheekycee]

I know it's early but I'm so upset.
I left a DV relationship last year. My mum was reluctant for me to come back to her house as she didn't want me there with the kids but my dad did. He said escape the situation and come back. Soon as I come here my mother made me feel unwelcome and uneasy. I feel like I've had no support from my family behave they said it's my own fault that I kept going back and went near him in the first place. Now I never knew this man was bad. He was an abuser so of course he seemed so lovely at the beginning. I went through hell with him day in day out I even tried to take my own life it got so bad but no one's sat down with me and said "are you ok" or "do you want to talk about it". Anyway, my mum fell out with me and has been doing sly things behind my fathers back to get at me like cramming silly things some aren't even mine into my small room I share with my two children along with all of our belongings. She's unreasonable and very aggressive so I didn't confront her I went to my dad.
I then heated my dad say the things are being stored elsewhere for now. She started calling me the worst most hurtful names to my dad to which my dad was defending me telling her I am living here and that's that room is going to be made. Then she proceeds to say "I wonder what she did to wind perpateators name up" I went downstairs at this point as I lost it. She's basically saying I deserved the abuse? She has no idea what I went through because she wasn't there at the time or afterwards! I basically told her she's out of order and had a volition mouth and mind for thinking and saying such thing. She then said "erw look at your face going on".
I don't know what to do. I am so hurt. It's clear here my dad wants me and my children here but she doesn't. The alternative is to go into a sheltered accommodation which at this point I'm quite considering doing because I can't keep my kids in this toxic environment or around her. I start a new job on Monday too and so I'm really on borrowed time.

Thank you

Latelydaydreams I can't tag a response to your post but no not at all your comment didn't I meant my mothers comment sorry I should have made that clear xx

Well we can all see why you made a bad husband choice, with a mother like that it was inevitable! You didn’t know what love was because your mother didn’t show you.

Im sorry.

You did nothing wrong at all @cheekycee
this is terrible from your mum.. I wondered if she has dementia actually from what you’ve said. You deserve support. Your father sounds lovely. Hang in there. Well done for leaving. Wonderful thing you have done for yourself and for your children. There’s nothing better you could’ve done for them in life. Big hug xx

Thank you so much xx

I agree with others saying you did nothing wrong. In fact, you are setting your children up for a better life by moving them away from that toxic environment where their mum was being abused by their dad.

And no, you wouldn't be unreasonable to cut your mother out of your life too once you are able to. In times of crisis we need people to support us not make us feel worse and she is behaving very, very unkindly.

Thank you. I feel like I'm in a very much of a self sympathy mind set but I just wanted to vent. Honestly I was absolutely fine but something happened in my brain last night where I now can't stop crying. I have chest pains thinking of the stuff that happened and just wanted to absolutely run away from everything. I can't though obviously I have my kids and love them dearly. I'm going to take them out today and give them a wonderful day and show them exactly how loved they are.

So sorry to hear how it is all getting to you ... I guess you have bottled up a lot of stress and sorrow but sometimes it has to come out. Which is not a bad thing really, better than bottling it up forever.

You're being strong for your children and a better mum than your mother has been to you.

I would write down how you are feeling and, if you can, include some examples of what you have been through. Make a copy of it to keep, then give the original to your Mum and Dad too. She needs to know and understand what she is doing and what you have been through. If it is in black and white and you give it to them both there is no denying she has received it. Writing it down can be cathartic and help you get your words out. Once she has it she then has two options - understand and start to empathise, or not. If it's the latter, get yourself and your children out of there and never look back. This way, you have done all you can to reach out to her, the ball is in her court. She sounds horrendous though and I'd be tempted to bet she will not change. But for your sanity you have to have tried everything I think, your Dad sounds like a saint.

OPs mother clearly has no empathy whatsoever or she would not have treated her daughter this way in the first place.

OPs father is behaving like any normal, loving parent would do so not really a saint.

Hearing how toxic your mother is makes it clear why you ended up in an abusive relationship.

My mother was the same. It absolutely is not you OP. She’s a grade A cunt.

I hope you and your little family find peace and happiness. Stay away from her.

Hope you all have a lovely day!!
you should be so proud of yourself, you sound like a fab Mum, you’ve broken the ‘shit mum’ cycle of abuse!
Get yourself out of there, settle in a new home (even if it’s temporary) and accept support from your Dad, cut all contact with your Mum.
Hope things get easier going forward! 💐

This is likely why you ended up in an abusive marriage. We gravitate to those who make us feel ‘loved’ and your version as a child was this eggshell-walking, unpredictable, hateful sort of relationship, so when your ex made you feel the same sorts of feelings it was familiar to you. Something like that, anyway. I’m glad you’re away from your H and I hope you can get away from your M as well. Then you can break the cycle with your own children.

I think it’s highly likely that having an abusive mother who likely destroyed your self esteem and skewed your ability to recognise inappropriate behaviour and boundaries set you up as the perfect victim for domestic abuse in romantic relationships. It’s also highly unlikely she can’t recognise you as a victim in your romantic relationship because to do so would require her evaluating her own behaviour, which I imagine she is loathe to do. Do yourself and your children a favour and get out of there asap, sign up for the freedom programme (your local children’s centre should deliver this) and read overcoming low self esteem.

Reading between the lines it sounds like your mother is also abusive. Which is why you ended up with an abusive partner without realising it! Both of them are toxic and it is NOT your fault!

It's not you. I can promise you, it's not you. My DM would be horrible about my ex (I think because she was jealous) but when we finally split up she did nothing to help. She enjoyed it. She had always wanted me to have a horrible and poor life. I know this seems so odd to people with good parents. My DF like yours only wanted the very best for me and he helped when things were bad. That's a parent.

If my two went through anything they know without question they can come to me and I'll help.

You will be okay.

Why has your dad allowed his children to be treated this way?

You all know she's toxic and yet your dad stays in a situation where she is openly abusing his DD. He may step in from time to time but he's also enabling her and it sounds like he let it happen when you were kids. That is not a good parent either. Don't let him off the hook because he occasionally speaks up.

He should have left her years ago and created a safe space for his kids knowing what she was like.

I'd be angry at the pair of them, despite how nice you're trying to paint him.

Do what your dad didn't and get your kids out of there and cut contact.

Is your abusive ex the father of your children?

@cheekycee Your mother sounds truly awful OP. Even total strangers on MN (like me) have more compassion for you than your own mother - it beggars belief she could be so vile when you've been the victim of domestic abuse. The fact that she's also been awful to both your siblings speaks volumes - it's a "her" problem. Your dad, on the other hand, sounds great - very supportive - and I wonder if she's jealous because he's the kind of parent she's apparently incapable of being? Whatever the reason for her cruelty, you have done nothing wrong OP and are clearly a better mother than she will ever be. Definitely move to a refuge, if you can, to get away from her, but maintain a relationship with your lovely dad.
I hope you and your DC can have a fun day today. Best of luck OP. 🤗

It's likely that you were attracted to your ex because he reminded you of your mum. But you.do not deserve to be abused. How does your mum treat your dad?

My dad worked away earning money for us a lot but my mum spent it behind his back and told us not to tell him. He provided for us and missed out on childhood to try give us a better life. My mother spent all of HIS money on rugs candles clothes cars etc.

She's awful. He had depression not long ago locked himself away for 3 weeks she said he needs to get a grip. His mother died not long ago. Instead of him being distraught HE was comforting HER!!!(for attention she did this ofc) he bought her a car that wasn't good enough because it didn't have apple share, he bought her something online and said she needed to collect it, she's told him he's putting the petrol on so she can go collect it.

She's awful

Your dad sounds abused as well. I think people don't always recognise that men are abused, they don't even see it themselves but she's clearly given him a horrible life. I hope you can get away and maybe he can as well.

Yup, she's definitely a narcissist and an abuser. I'm so sorry for you, your dad and your siblings.

She's a really nasty, selfish and cruel woman. I'm sorry you had to grow up with that. I also feel sorry for your dad as he sounds like a nice man who is probably being emotionally abused himself.

I wondered if she has dementia
Can we please stop with this shitty excuse for abusive parents!!
She has been like this OPs whole life.
Either it's dementia or ND to excuse cunty behaviour , it's pathetic.

I think for your dc's sake, you need to go into sheltered housing until you can sort your own place our. Going from one abusive environment to another is not good for them They need to know that home can be happy and loving, you're the adult now, you heed to model this.