Just need a rant because I feel awful

[cheekycee]

I know it's early but I'm so upset.
I left a DV relationship last year. My mum was reluctant for me to come back to her house as she didn't want me there with the kids but my dad did. He said escape the situation and come back. Soon as I come here my mother made me feel unwelcome and uneasy. I feel like I've had no support from my family behave they said it's my own fault that I kept going back and went near him in the first place. Now I never knew this man was bad. He was an abuser so of course he seemed so lovely at the beginning. I went through hell with him day in day out I even tried to take my own life it got so bad but no one's sat down with me and said "are you ok" or "do you want to talk about it". Anyway, my mum fell out with me and has been doing sly things behind my fathers back to get at me like cramming silly things some aren't even mine into my small room I share with my two children along with all of our belongings. She's unreasonable and very aggressive so I didn't confront her I went to my dad.
I then heated my dad say the things are being stored elsewhere for now. She started calling me the worst most hurtful names to my dad to which my dad was defending me telling her I am living here and that's that room is going to be made. Then she proceeds to say "I wonder what she did to wind perpateators name up" I went downstairs at this point as I lost it. She's basically saying I deserved the abuse? She has no idea what I went through because she wasn't there at the time or afterwards! I basically told her she's out of order and had a volition mouth and mind for thinking and saying such thing. She then said "erw look at your face going on".
I don't know what to do. I am so hurt. It's clear here my dad wants me and my children here but she doesn't. The alternative is to go into a sheltered accommodation which at this point I'm quite considering doing because I can't keep my kids in this toxic environment or around her. I start a new job on Monday too and so I'm really on borrowed time.

Thank you

Some people really, really struggle with having others in their home. Especially when they’ve moved their kids and all of their belonging in.

You’ve been there for months - What have you done to try and find a new home?

Your mother is an abuser and you need to get your children away from her before she turns on them.

Do the online freedom course to help you recognise red flags in your personal relationships.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/sample-online/home.php

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

@DarkMagicStars and that's a reason. to be abusive? for OPs whole life. Stop excusing abusive behaviour

But he still knew what was going on and didn't take action.You can't absolve him of responsibility for keeping children in an abusive environment just because he worked away. children have one view of the situation (mum told us not to say anything) but adults often have a much deeper more sophisticated understanding of what's actually going on than children realise.

Even now your dad is still enabling her whilst playing the good guy to you. It's a toxic environment.

The fact your dad has enabled your mum could be a root cause for why you've made poor choices in partners without realising why. You've cast yourself subconsciously in the role your dad fulfilled because in your mind he's a good guy so you'd be following in his footsteps.

In order for children to be emotionally abused in a family it takes one to abuse and one to enable by not taking action.

It's an uncomfortable truth but in order to break patterns and choices of partner we need to understand why we do.

If your dad stands by and let's his DD and GC go into a shelter rather than really standing up to his wife I'd be furious that he was so weak.

Take the sheltered accommodation. Your mum sounds abusive too which is likely why you ended up with an abusive partner.
It's not you or anything you've done

Hi OP

Lots of posters who have suffered abuse grew up with an abusive or neglectful parent.

It's not you that's the link here, it's likely your mum who raised you in a way that makes it difficult for you to have strong boundaries or spot abuse.

I'm so sorry she is not more supportive, you deserve to have some help at such an awful time.

No you wouldn't be unreasonable to cut her off.

You're definitely OK to cut her off - I think you need to!

I don't think that he's particularly behaving that much like a normal loving parent - why is he enabling the abuse? He may be acting like a loving parent and grandparent, but he's not REALLY doing anything to stop his abusive wife.

I'm afraid both of your parents have given you a very unhealthy view of relationships and parenting.

It sounds like you and your dad should both leave her tbh. She’s no better than your ex once you get away from her don’t ever go back just see your dad. If you stay in contact with her you will never heal. She doesn’t deserve your time or your dc time. There is no love from her definitely cut contact. You don’t want your dc to think abuse is normal whether it’s a man or woman good luck.

Thanks everyone. Feeling less teary but I am still quite sad inside especially. While they absolutely have taught me unhealthy parenting I strive to be nothing like them and any negative comments on my parenting I actually take as a compliment from them because if they don't agree then stress in doing something right LN