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Original poster

Mum ringing for hours a day venting

61 replies

VioletRuby · 07/03/2025 15:48

I want to start of with I love my mum, but she's ringing me everyday for at least 3 hours non stop to vent all her anger out.

The topics of conversations are moaning about her neighbours,work colleagues, my in laws,her siblings, her parents eve tho they have passed.
I have been feeling depressed after these phone calls I hate them if I'm honest, I know if I tell her there will be tears.

My DH says I'm her personal therapist, which she wont have. She said she won't do coffee mornings and she doesn't chat to people on dog walks as there nosey, and always calls them sad bastards that stand in a circle chatting and using there dogs for a social occasion, she claims she's a very private person.

Recently I was in bed 9 pm dropping off to sleep as I'm up at 6 clock with my DC the phone was going off repeatedly when I didn't dare answer as I know how long she keeps me and then she starting ringing my DH who was a sleep at this point as he starts work at 7 am, I started to panic thinking something bad happened why she's ringing my DH as she can't get through to me I answer phone and all she says is our soso has told me this last night and that bastard has done this x y z (someone in the family who I never see) and vented to me for a full hour.
I don't know how to tell her to stop as she will be hurt. I need some advice I am very empathic so I think that's why I'm so depressed after. I'm such a happy soul in my nature but I don't like what's happening.

(I wasn't sure which thread to put it under also sorry about that)

OP posts:
BookGoblin · 07/03/2025 15:50

This is outrageous behavior and bordering on abuse. I'm sorry someone you love has eroded your boundaries like this.

I would recommend therapy to help with boundaries if possible and limiting your mother to one phone call per week.

Advice her that her number is blocked at other times.

You matter too OP.

BarkLife · 07/03/2025 15:53

You have my permission to block her number. Outrageous behaviour!

cramptramp · 07/03/2025 15:53

You need to tell her. She sounds slightly unhinged and it won't stop unless you say something.

ExpressCheckout · 07/03/2025 15:54

How old is she?
How long has she been doing this?
Is this a significant change in her behaviour?

Yes, she might just be being a pain in the arse, but equally some of this could be mental health (anger related to depression), alcohol use, or heaven forbid early dementia or similar.

Glorybox2025 · 07/03/2025 15:57

Why aren't your phones on silent when you go to bed? You really need to do this. You also need to put some boundaries in around this, it's way too intrusive.

IamSmarticus · 07/03/2025 15:57

You need to tell her to stop. So she will probably be upset for a while but she'll get over it.

SallyWD · 07/03/2025 15:58

She actually sounds mentally ill to be ranting for three hours a day. It's completely unacceptable. How on earth do you have the time to spare? Well, I'm sure you don't. You need to tell her you can't do it anymore. Meet or chat once a week, not three hours a day.

SallyWD · 07/03/2025 15:58

By the way, I put my phone on do not disturb at bedtime. Don't let her disturb you at all hours.

outerspacepotato · 07/03/2025 15:59

Who has time for that nonsense?

This sounds more than unreasonable, it sounds irrational and she's harassing you and your husband if you don't answer.

It's time for a physical and cognitive exam. Are there untreated mental health issues?

Then, I'd block her. You cannot enable this. There's something wrong here and it's having a negative effect on your mental health.

gamerchick · 07/03/2025 16:00

Highly empathic means trauma from childhood. She doesn't give a toss about your feelings so why should you care about hers.

Have the row, let her be hurt. Draw a boundary OP.

Or carry on as you are.

Belaymehearties · 07/03/2025 16:01

How do you have time to listen to her wittering on about rubbish for 3hrs a day? Give her 10mins tops then "oops - have to go" and put the phone down! She's getting MY blood pressure up! Put your phone on silent between 11 and 7. Tell her that's what you've both done as you need your sleep. If she doesn't like it then tough! Fgs get some boundaries!

Sassybooklover · 07/03/2025 16:04

You need to tell your Mum that 1 hour phone calls per day are too much, let alone 3. Having a chat for 10-15 minutes is one thing, but 3 hours is bordering on crazy! You need to set boundaries. Both you and your husband switch your phones to silent after a certain time (definitely after 9 pm, although I'd say earlier). Personally, I think calling someone after 9 pm is rude anyway, unless it's an emergency. Yes, your Mum will be upset, I don't think you can tell her without upsetting her. No, you don't need to be horrible but you need to be honest.

BatchCookBabe · 07/03/2025 16:12

OMG she needs help. I think she needs to see the doctor @VioletRuby This is utterly ludicrous! Not normal in the least!

JFDIYOLO · 07/03/2025 16:17

How old is she?

Is this new behaviour or has she always been like this?

Does she do this to other people or just you?

Has this ended friendships & relationships for her?

There may be mental health deterioration going on.

Can you help her see a gp?

What to do:

You and your husband - Turn your phone off at a regular time each evening, turn it on at a regular time each morning.

Do not be available in between times.

Only answer her calls IF you are in the mood.

She must get used to you not being at her beck and call.

And you need to get used to that, too, for your own sanity.

And get used to saying 'must be off, I've an appointment/ meeting / friend to see etc' after a reasonable time.

Cut it down, cut it off.

Then start practicing your adult - adult approach instead of your current adult - child approach.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/03/2025 16:18

She is outrageous. She is self-centered to the point of narcissism to expect you to listen to her unhinged rants for 3 hours per day and if you don't answer, she phones your DH, even at a time when most people will be in bed.

I agree with other posters who are telling you and your DH to block her number. She doesn't seen to bring anything to your life except stress and anxiety.

ToffeeForEveryone · 07/03/2025 16:29

You need to tell her to stop, or to get better at cutting her off and not listening.

My mother does this too and I had years of going "mhhmm" and putting the phone on the side and walking off whilst she ranted, but it still ground me down. These days I do a cheery "must go, call you later!" when she starts and basically refuse to engage with her negativity.

You don't have to put up with this OP.

Catza · 07/03/2025 16:34

You are not in charge of someone else's emotions. If she is upset, so what. She is an adult and needs to deal with it.
"Let me stop you here, mum. It's 9pm and we are in bed so if there is nothing urgent, I am going to turn my phone off now and will ring you tomorrow. Good night".

ginasevern · 07/03/2025 16:46

So how old is she? How long has she been doing this? Was she always like this or is it relatively recent? Is she retired/working?

Mums do have a propensity to chat for ages but this sounds way beyond anything normal. I think more context is needed about her circumstances.

Lurkingandlearning · 07/03/2025 16:50

@Catza answer is perfect. If she gets upset because you don’t want her to disturb your sleep then you need to have a much sterner conversation with her.

You might also try telling her she needs to take some action with the problems she can do something about and just let go of the ones she can’t. And that doing nothing other than dumping on you is actually rather cruel

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 07/03/2025 16:54

ExpressCheckout · 07/03/2025 15:54

How old is she?
How long has she been doing this?
Is this a significant change in her behaviour?

Yes, she might just be being a pain in the arse, but equally some of this could be mental health (anger related to depression), alcohol use, or heaven forbid early dementia or similar.

Yeah, I dont think she's being abusive but is she going through something? She sounds very very depressed 😔 and I would take that view moving forwards and try to get her some help x

PuppyMonkey · 07/03/2025 16:59

Three hours. Every day. Seriously?

Bananalanacake · 07/03/2025 17:04

What would happen if you leave the phone on but wander off. Have you tried saying you have diarrhoea and need to rush off.

Imisscoffee2021 · 07/03/2025 17:09

I don't see my mum alot as we live a few hours away but when we do meet up she would happily vent at me for 3 hours about politics, neighbours, family members I don't know, litter, dog poo, graffiti, the list goes on. I eventually said to her that I'm not used to only talking about negative stuff, and it's not normal. I pointed out I was worried about her mentality and worried she's unhappy, she got very defensive as I knew she would (and reverted to calling me a liberal/soft touch etc), but I stood firm and now when she starts on a rant I change the subject immediately and say sorry I didn't buy tickets to this talk let's talk about something else?

It's worrying as she seems completely incapable of talking about normal small talk or about happy things, and thinks because I like more positivity (whilst also being informed on the woes of the world) that I'm ignorant or burying my head in the sand.

Its got worse as she's got older, I think because she spends alot of time alone as my step dad still works, and doesn't see many friends much, she has alot of internal monologue time and it's worrying how negative it is. Her default mindset seems to be negative and its exhausting and worrying, and must come from something in her life coupled with a natural part of her personality (one way conversation). I suspect the same in your mum but you've gotto risk those tears and be honest with her, can't be held to ransom like that.

Swapsnamebriefly · 07/03/2025 17:11

You need to put a stop to it as it is a total waste of your time. My mother did this for about 15 yrs (not 3 hours a day, mind). By the end she was ringing me in the middle of the night with crazy ideas. She died a few years ago and I have to say, despite the upset and everything the actual peace and quiet that resulted was very welcome indeed.

Bluenotgreen · 07/03/2025 17:13

Why isn’t your phone on silent when you’re busy/sleeping/don’t want to talk?

Tell her you can’t provide this level of support going forward, and you are going to be turning your phone off a lot of the time.