Mum ringing for hours a day venting

[VioletRuby]

I want to start of with I love my mum, but she's ringing me everyday for at least 3 hours non stop to vent all her anger out.

The topics of conversations are moaning about her neighbours,work colleagues, my in laws,her siblings, her parents eve tho they have passed.
I have been feeling depressed after these phone calls I hate them if I'm honest, I know if I tell her there will be tears.

My DH says I'm her personal therapist, which she wont have. She said she won't do coffee mornings and she doesn't chat to people on dog walks as there nosey, and always calls them sad bastards that stand in a circle chatting and using there dogs for a social occasion, she claims she's a very private person.

Recently I was in bed 9 pm dropping off to sleep as I'm up at 6 clock with my DC the phone was going off repeatedly when I didn't dare answer as I know how long she keeps me and then she starting ringing my DH who was a sleep at this point as he starts work at 7 am, I started to panic thinking something bad happened why she's ringing my DH as she can't get through to me I answer phone and all she says is our soso has told me this last night and that bastard has done this x y z (someone in the family who I never see) and vented to me for a full hour.
I don't know how to tell her to stop as she will be hurt. I need some advice I am very empathic so I think that's why I'm so depressed after. I'm such a happy soul in my nature but I don't like what's happening.

(I wasn't sure which thread to put it under also sorry about that)

I voted YABU because honestly, stop being such a drip and tell her to stop!! I love my mum too but I wouldn't listen to her moaning on about other people for hours on end! So what if she's hurt? Is she worried about the effect she is having on you? No!

You really need to be more assertive and say mum I'm not listening to this again, if you can't find anything more pleasant to talk about, I've got to go. Cut the conversation short.

I have possibly read the AIBU question differently from others.
I think YABU to put up with this, and to worry about upsetting her.
100% more when you answer when you have gone to bed.

You've got to be honest with her and say you have a life to live and are not her personal therapist.

Some of my family would do this given the chance. The only option is to not answer the phone. Believe me, that’s the bottom line.

Two things. Put your phone on silent when you absolutely can't speak to her. At night, during the day, whenever. You can check it periodically.

Secondly, when you do answer the phone to her, start each conversation with 'I have to go out in ten minutes.' That way she's got ten minutes to tell you anything that is important that you need to know. When the ten minutes is up you say 'right, got to go now, thanks for calling' and hang up.

What did she say when you said you were asleep and so was DH ?

When my Mum got this bad it was the start of dementia

My mum had a nervous breakdown in her early fifties and this was what she was like. I had to stop going to see her as despite being one of four (all girls) I was her confidant and she would not listen to me when I said it was making me so unhappy.

My mum has had a hard life and I felt like I owed it to her, but she didn't appreciate a damn thing. Twenty years later we still cannot talk about anything other than things she's comfortable with and she feigns a headache or starts shouting about how awful I am if I try and stop or try and make her see.

So now I copy her. I say someone needs me and end the call, and don't call for a bit. Low contact is the only way, I'm afraid your mum has narcissistic tendancies.

Put your phone on silent. Also tell her the negativity is making you depressed

“Mother, I love you, but I am not your therapist. I don’t have time to spend hours every day, or being kept from my bed at night, listening to every thought you have and every bit of anger you seem to hold onto. You either need to get a real therapist or find something similar because I am your daughter. You might not have considered but I have things in my own life. This is not healthy for either of us.”

How long has it been this been going on for? Is it getting worse? Why and how did it start? Are you concerned about dementia or her mental health?

You are important. Your feelings are just as important as your mum's. Your time is important. You have to stop this. Stop it for yourself, stop it for your relationship with your DH.

Tell her that you need to pull back. Daily phone calls are too much. Tell her you can speak to her on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a maximum of half an hour. Don't answer the phone at any other time, block her the rest of the time. When half an hour is done, say "well I have to go now, love you, bye" and hang up. Be strong!

Exactly this. You're worrying about her feelings and she clearly doesn't care about yours, you don't even feel able to raise this with her.

I was similar to you (although there were additional things she did) and after 38 years I finally cut her out. Any misplaced guilt I had was gone when I realised she was my parent, she should have cared about me instead of everything being about her and the emotional manipulation. I was a bad daughter if my whole life didn't revolve around her.

I read a quote recently that said 'all children deserve parents, but not all parents deserve children' and it's a new favourite of mine,

You're an adult, you can choose what or who you want in your life. Speak to a therapist x

You need to set some healthy boundaries for yourself. No one should be putting that kind of heavy load on you, at any time let alone every day. Stand up for yourself. It may upset her, but she is responsible for her own feelings and she isn't living in an emotionally healthy way. That is her issue though, and her own to resolve.
This will continue for as long as you allow it...

YABU to tolerate this.

It is negatively affecting your life.

You either need to have a hard conversation about how frequently she can call and for how long or you don't answer your phone at certain times, certainly not when you are heading to bed.

It is not kind to allow her to do this to you. It is not healthy for either of you.

People are talking about setting boundaries but it's not that easy. When my mum was early 60's I literally BEGGED her to change the subject from her previous surgeries that she moaned about every single day. She couldn't do it.

Speak with her face to face, perhaps go out for lunch. You need to tell her you ate very worried about how negative she us ... tell her (you've timed it) upto three hours of moaning. Explain that you are finding it depressing and it has to stop. Impress, no phone calls, unless an emergency, after 7 pm.

There are a lot of people with normal parents here, giving normal parent advice: this person is not a normal parent who puts their child above themselves. Selfish people have children.

Read books like 'children of emotionally immature parents' and realise that there is nothing you can do to stop this behaviour. I tried every single possible method and it was all fruitless. Some people have parents who are still children themselves and usually die to trauma, want to in part share that trauma. It's very hard for 'normies' to understand.

*due

You must have the patience of a saint
She doesn't care about upsetting you or taking up your time, so just tell her you only have say 15 minutes before you're going out... every day if necessary she won't listen so you mute her calls.
Only answer when and if you want to
Tell DH not to answer
You have to stand firm
I had a friend who would monologue for hours about the same old shit, I'd put the phone down and walk away... note the had a friend

So you won't tell her that you can't talk now your "in bed/busy with the kids/in the middle of tidying etc" because you will hurt her feelings and upset her but you're allowed to be upset and have your life disrupted and your time dominated. What has happened for you to feel your mums happiness is more important than your own or that her being upset by you is worse than what she is putting you through? Maybe you need to delve in to that.

"enmeshed narcissistic mothers"

YouTube is a revelation on this subject

You do need to set some boundaries with your mum. My mum has always been a very depressed person. Her conversation reflected that. She has never sought the help of a professional. Instead she always relied on her daughters. As I was the oldest by many years I took the brunt of it and found it very hard to put up boundaries. Eventually, dreading every phone call from her, knowing how down I would feel afterwards, I removed myself almost entirely. My mother saw it as a betrayal but I stood firm. Now mum and I have a long conversation of an hour once a week, and my sisters listen to my mothers sad stories the rest of the time. I can hang up after an hour on the phone each week, spend a few minutes pondering how unhappy she is, and then shake it off for the rest of the week.

Btw, my mum wasn’t ringing me for as long or as often as your mum, but she was ringing me way too often.

Turn your phone to silent at night. When your kids are teenagers and old enough to go out at night but still might need you, you won’t be able to do that. So do it for now while they are still young and safely tucked in bed early.

Thank you for advice everyone! My mum has had a lot of trauma in her past and I think that's why I feel I'm the only one she can talk to and that's why I have been in this situation for a long time now. I have missed calls from her and I had messages this morning where she states she so fucking mad with her neighbour as she cooked some soup for her and my brother and hes now ill from her food and she's furious I haven't answered and I'm not going to because she just needs wants to vent.

Please please put a stop to this or it will make YOU unwell and it isn’t making your mother any better. It will be the kindest thing you can do for her. She needs to find proper appropriate outlets, not dump on you.

My mother is lonely (self-inflicted). She is a raving CF, and people seem to catch on to her drama based personality type and swerve her much quicker these days.

She started ramping up her calls several years ago, to make it worse, she used to start drinking with the call (She treats it like a social event), and as the call used to go on for ages, she would get more drunk, belligerent and irritable as the call went on.

She has a very small circle and used to heavily guilt trip me that I was her only real contact as a reason to not push back on the time and length of the calls.

Then during one of these calls, walking home, I witnessed an accident, I threw the phone down in my bag and rushed out to the individual and waited until the ambulance came....

You guessed it, when I got back to the phone it hadn't hung up and she was still talking, hadn't even noticed I wasn't there.

That's how important my input was.

I then realised my time was worth more than just being a cardboard cut out that just said 'shame' 'yes' or 'urhur' in the right places.

After that day I don't pick up unless it suits me.

I’ve always wanted a sister… we might have the same Mum.
I also dread my Mum’s calls.
She suffered from a lot of trauma in her past, both parents have died, two ex-husbands to slag off (including my Dad).
I have two brothers who don’t get called.
I hear it all. For hours.
I have a 7 year-old and I’m pregnant.
If I say “right I’ve got to go, I’m shattered Mum…” she’ll say “well try having 3 kids under 8 while your fu*ing Dad did f*k all once he came in from work and I had to do x y z” (the youngest of us siblings is 30!).
She slags off her neighbours, her colleagues, the Doctors, the man at the bus stop, my brothers, my Dad, it’s exhausting.

I’ve started just plain ignoring the calls.
The outcome?
A Facebook status saying “what a way to end my afternoon, I’ve collapsed on the floor and on the phone to 999 because none of my children answered their phone.”
She hadn’t collapsed. Just thrives off the “inbox me hun” messages.
I hate it.