Mum ringing for hours a day venting

[VioletRuby]

I want to start of with I love my mum, but she's ringing me everyday for at least 3 hours non stop to vent all her anger out.

The topics of conversations are moaning about her neighbours,work colleagues, my in laws,her siblings, her parents eve tho they have passed.
I have been feeling depressed after these phone calls I hate them if I'm honest, I know if I tell her there will be tears.

My DH says I'm her personal therapist, which she wont have. She said she won't do coffee mornings and she doesn't chat to people on dog walks as there nosey, and always calls them sad bastards that stand in a circle chatting and using there dogs for a social occasion, she claims she's a very private person.

Recently I was in bed 9 pm dropping off to sleep as I'm up at 6 clock with my DC the phone was going off repeatedly when I didn't dare answer as I know how long she keeps me and then she starting ringing my DH who was a sleep at this point as he starts work at 7 am, I started to panic thinking something bad happened why she's ringing my DH as she can't get through to me I answer phone and all she says is our soso has told me this last night and that bastard has done this x y z (someone in the family who I never see) and vented to me for a full hour.
I don't know how to tell her to stop as she will be hurt. I need some advice I am very empathic so I think that's why I'm so depressed after. I'm such a happy soul in my nature but I don't like what's happening.

(I wasn't sure which thread to put it under also sorry about that)

Your mother is demonstrating very poor mental health. She may have dementia , or depression, or both. She needs to speak to her GP.

Get a cheap mobile and block her from your current phone. Tell he you have changed your number, give her the new one and only turn it on when you are prepared to talk to her. When you have heard enough just say - lovely to have talked to you but I need to get on now, bye mum hang up and turn it off. Get DH to block her too.

That’s not a boundary, a boundary is what you will do not something they do. You can’t stop someone talking about something, you can remove yourself so you don’t listen. Removing yourself is the boundary. Mum I have told you I’m not prepared to have this conversation, if you start I will leave.

Oh heck. I think you need to be firm and tell your much loved mum that she's not well and needs to get some help with her rage and anxiety, and that you can't keep listening to her for hours each day because it is making you anxious and upset too.

Gosh I thought my mum was bad with her hour long phone calls...to be honest she'd probably carry on but an hour is my absolute limit!
Similar sorts of call where she doesn't actually listen and if I say more than 10 words in that hour it would be a shock
I've managed to reduce the calls by just ignoring! I wouldn't be able to say anything to her as she would just get the hump so phone is on silent in the evening and I ignore the calls! And I also don't feel guilty!

I am not answering her calls me and DH and DC's went to visit her this afternoon and she was drunk before we got there and was effing and blinding in every sentence about the neighbour and then she fell a sleep stripped her self to her bra and fell sleep on the sofa so we left.

These days everyone knows we are on mobile phones that can be put on loudspeaker and we can get on with changing the baby, or driving to work, or chopping the veg for dinner and they can still chat away without stopping us 'getting on.' In the old days we had one phone, often with a wire fixed to the base so you couldn't even wander around the house while you chatted. And we paid per call. People knew that, so they didn't take the piss. Then we had remote handsets but still no loudspeaker, so again, there was limited flexibility.

What happens now is that bored and lonely people use smart phones on loudspeaker and facetime as a way of being with you constantly whether you invited them or not. They will just witter away endlessly while you chop your veg or bung your washing in and you can't get rid of them. Even saying you need to go out is no excuse, you can carry on chatting while you are out as well.

It's been an insidious creep that now means and if we don't answer our phones immediately people are either indignant at being ignored, or they panic that you've had an accident or something. It must be mentally draining having to be at the beck and call of someone who demands that level of attention.

There is nothing for it but to put some boundaries in place. She's your mum so be honest. Tell her your phone will be going on silent from 8pm in future because you want some time with DH after the kids are in bed or whatever and you don't have time to chat to her more than once a day. Limit the chats to whatever time you feel you can spare and when it's going round in circles tell her you need to go and get on with something else. If she rings you too often and you don't fancy answering, then don't! It's not obligatory. She's just going to have to get used to it.

You need to protect your self OP because your DC need you! You are going to be drained by your mentally instable mother. Tell her she needs help, offer to take her to gp. Tell her you won't put up with none of her rantings anymore because it affects your mh.

My mum is exactly the same. She is elderly and lives alone, rarely sees anyone even though she's perfectly capable of leaving the house and having a life, she chooses not to. But she's bored and lonely so it's like she's saved up every thought on every topic she's had for the entire week, ready to dump it all onto me the second I'm in the door or answer the phone. Most of it involves ranting about how the country has gone to the dogs and while I can't say I disagree in many respects, it is the relentless negativity that gets me down.

Try this

I'm sorry to say that i agree with other posters. It sounds like she is enacting abusive behaviour, even if unknowingly (abusive people often don't realise they are abusive). I think there are a couple of steps you can go through before totally blocking her, hope it helps.

1. Ask her to meet for coffee. During coffee, tell her that you love her but describe to her the way that her behaviour is affecting you. This can be both psychologically (it's horrible to be someone's therapist, and you feel like she's using you rather than genuinely wanting to talk to you), and also practically (2-3 hours a day is taking up FAR too much of your time). Ask her why she's started doing this - what's going on? My theory, and take it with a pinch of salt b/c I haven't met you or your mum, is that she's really lonely and is trying to connect. It's a bit like my Dad (when he's lonely he starts banging on about politics to me as he knows I'll debate him - bingo, we've had a conversation, albeit a horrible one). I'd lay out a solution to her, provided it also works for you - you limit your phone calls to 30 minutes a day, and try to focus not just on HER but also on YOU during this time. Part of why the 3 hour 'conversations' are so exhausting is b/c they aren't a 'conversation' - they're her emotionally dumping on you. There's no back and forth - has she asked about your day, or how you're doing? Alternatively, if you live close to her, you could invite her to go e.g. swimming at the local pool with you once a week, or to get coffee together or something, instead of the phone calls every day. That way you get to spend time together in a healthy way - and bonus points, if she starts being horrible, you can just leave.
2. Try this for a bit. If she isn't making an effort - so still emotionally dumping on you, going way over the time limit, calling you at unreasonable hours, at that point I'd call it a day, and start hanging up/not answering. You've clearly made an effort to connect and to help her loneliness and she isn't playing ball. At that point, you have to draw a hard boundary or experience being her emotional vent. The important thing to remember is that at the moment she isn't trying to connect with you - she's using you, which is a totally different thing. It doesn't seem like she's interested/aware of how she's affecting you, or even about how your life is going, and that needs to change.

Obviously I don't know either of you, so I don't know if this will work. This is what I'd do if I was in your situation, but ultimately the decision is best in your hands. Good luck, and fingers crossed for you!