Should I just go back to working full time?

[Dilemma4ever]

background:
I’m a part-time, working mum of 2 kids (a 3 and 6 year old) and I enjoy my career. We’re not dependent on my salary.

Husband is main earner with a full -on job where he starts early and works late 3-4 times a week (is home after kids are asleep) and works some weekends too.

Issue:
I like my career but since I moved to working 3 days a week my performance at work has dipped.

Doing my role as part-time isn’t working out as i’m not hitting the performance standards required - even as I work long days to cram 4/5 days worth of work into my 3 days.

Next steps … here are my options:

1. Ask for demotion to reduce seniority/ responsibility - but carry on working 3 days to maintain my skills and have time with kids - so I can ramp up my career in 9 years when both kids are in secondary school.

2. go full time at my current grade and hire an after school nanny - means I dedicate myself to work and perform well again..(means kids miss out on parent time but do well as they still get good care and attention after school and support with homework/study)

3. stay at my current grade - hire someone in for 3 days so we do a job share (this option might create a diff minefield of issues/ stresses!)

4. other suggestions

Thank you so so so much for sharing your experience. 💕💕

I just want to retain my skills, grade/ seniority and place in the workforce - I’m not looking to move upwards but, equally, I don’t want to move backwards after getting to where I am.

I want to have greater flexibility/ more time to be there with my children/ home life.

I enjoy my role, and the structure/ motivation that comes from working life. Working
makes me a better version of myself - which also benefits my kids and my husband. I find working life replenishes me for home life and vice versa.

Out of interest, what do you mean ‘added an extra day of flex’? You mean you can get paid if you work it / can choose not to work it?

Congrats on not being a misogynist.

I was referring to your comment about what is the point of having kids if someone else is caring for them.

As if they don't require food and a roof over their heads. And as if parents aren't entitled to continue to live their lives whilst being parents.

Ofcourse you can. But it sounds like both the OP and her DH are in positions that don't correspond to your normal ft. I used to work as a nanny for children who never saw their parents and the lack of bond between parents and children was heartbreaking. My mum worked ft as a single mum and I never felt neglected so I'm not generalising.

Same. My aim in this time has been to keep ticking over. But it has been hard to watch people progress further while I'm 'ticking over' (ie slogging my guts out, sometimes for free!).

Yes, if the work requires it I can work the hours and if not I don't work. I got to a point with my manager where I was really upset and frustrated but taking both a hit financially and professionally but actually still working on my non-working days. So we came to this solution (I'm v lucky with this I realise). It does make childcare tricky though, not all childcare provides are able to be flexible either.

Her DH, maybe. I don't see what wouldn't be normal about OP working FT.

I wouldn't want my DC to be in wraparound care at that age. I'd also expect DH to step up if possible. So no, I wouldn't go FT.

I don't understand why you're pointing out the commute as an obstacle to working 4 days when you're contemplating working 5 days?

I recently decided to quit a school hours job which has been fantastic for the family as someone else said...but everything I looked at required 5 days a week after school care, unless DH collects. He WFH. DS is 6 and can't really amuse himself from 3-5 so I've decided to stay and cram the work into PT hours until he's about 8 or 9 and will just come home and play games on his own/practice football/go to friends' houses anyway. So I guess I am in the suck it up camp. I know why I am working, for intellectual stimulation, pension and future career, but sometimes I still wonder why I am bothering!

Agee with this - children require sacrifice and I don't think that should come from the children with a nanny

Could you work a 7 day fortnight with the 7th day from home?

Do your company make allowances for medical reasons? In my office things like chronic pain/IBS allow people automatically to work from home more days

What would a man do?

Personally, if there's a way to argue it, in your position I would be trying to get full time hours but two days a week wfh minimum - so you can cut the commute on those days and still see your kids in the mornings/evenings

Work as normal, just as OP's DH is.

What hours are you working? How on earth are you working a full
Time job in 3 days? When do you sleep??

I was in this position. I kept to 3 days but accepted that I'd be doing more work to keep myself afloat. I also went up by a half day quite often depending on needs at work.

I loved having time to go to school events and having more time with my children.

I was given the opportunity to go full time last year and took it and it's worked out well. I'm ready to commit to it now I've had a break and in some ways find it easier than part time.

I’m the voice of dissent but I’d probably consider option 1.

I have a husband who works away a lot, and it’s a struggle managing everything at home and working three days a week. I’m not sure that I could manage full time, although our children are younger.

The problem with a nanny is that it’s one person and therefore if they leave or they are unwell too are stuck. Recruitment could be tricky too.

How is your company assessing your performance? Has any accommodation been made for you working part time? I'm just confused as it sounds like you are already working full time in terms of hours but the company are not happy on performance. Wouldn't full time mean having to work even longer hours (evenings weekends etc) and would the extra money be worth it?

Have a good chat with work and explain that you are working more hours than you are paid every week. Seems ridiculous. I work part time but only work the hours I am paid. Personally I would want to find any way to keep at least one day off for my family. They are only young once. And from what I have seen with other friends it doesn’t suddenly get a whole lot easier when they go to high school.

A couple of things from me. Firstly it doesn’t sound like your part time role is properly defined/assessed if you cannot achieve goals without FT effort. Not sure it that could be reassessed as it’s not fair.
However it sounds a real shame you are not able to progress as you would obviously like to do so personally what I would do is twofold. Firstly I would seriously reconsider looking for a FT role closer to home and taking the pay cut. Also look at a role with better WFH options too. Take the pay cut to stay at level and achieve long term career development potential. I think your biggest issue sounds like the commute/office location policy - or could you move closer to work if you really want to stay with them very long term?
Secondly it is not reasonable that your husband does not step up. How big is the pay differential if you both work full time? if it is anywhere comparable I’d be looking to him to make a significant contribution towards the school runs and childcare after school (catching up once they have gone to bed). If he can’t do that in current role he needs to look for better working conditions too.

thanks so much for sharing your experience… it gives me heart to hear it’s worked out well for you. How old were your children when you went back full time?

Also, were you paid for the additional half day extra you did etc? If so how did that work?

Thanks everyone, really really appreciate your input in helping me see things from diff perspectives/ angles.

To be clear, as part time I only need to work in the office 1 of the 3 days and WFH other 2 days so that’s ok. If I went up to full time it would require me to be in the office 2-3 times week which would make it untenable for our family home life.

Firstly I would seriously reconsider looking for a FT role closer to home and taking the pay cut. Also look at a role with better WFH options too. Take the pay cut to stay at level and achieve long term career development potential. I think your biggest issue sounds like the commute/office location policy

Thank you - this’s option helps me retain my current level, reduces the time pressures of big commute and stresses of part time work. Basically helps me keep my long term career potential going.

Thanks for sharing - I agree. I love spending time with them and can see my eldest needs me to be there for them as they haven’t made friends at school yet… said they’re lonely - but if I wasn’t available to speak to them after school I would never have known. And this kind of info only comes out through conversations on other topics as they’re not mature / articulate enough to identify emotions

I’m glad you asked this as I was going to point out that your “secondary school” milestone feels off to me. My dd is last year of primary and for two to three years has been happy to come home herself, make a snack and chill till 5:30 ish. I’m in my home office but she doesn’t need me. We catch up while I make dinner. She was about 9 when this started. If I’m not at home he does “interest-based” after school sports clubs then a tiny bit of wrap around or we share lifts with friends.

p.s no matter how big your dh job or how much he’s the main breadwinner it is NOT wrong for him to do some parenting. My dh is a director in a super masculine traditional industry but he still picks up from after school every Monday. That makes a huge difference to my working pattern.