Am I in the wrong here? Trying to put children first!

[Vespa3142]

A bit of background… Partner and I have been together 6/7 years, but known each other for 14. After the first year he moved to my home town (around an hour from his) and we bought our first house. Since then we have had 3DC.

Partner has a very social job and works late (in a social setting) usually at least once per week, as well as at least a couple of nights away overnight stays per month, leaving me with the children, the youngest 3MO. We have no external childcare support from family much to help out either. Partner also has social hobbies, one meaning he travels to another country on average once per month, although in January this year when DD was 1 MO he went away three times. In his defence, he doesn’t have many friends locally and this is his way of socialising with friends, mine whom I see more often and do things with the children etc.

This week DS, (4YO) has been unwell. Partner told me he was going out socially last night, I asked him not to as he is away majority of next week and was also away one night last week (with friends). He said he’d come home after work as usual. At 5pm he tells me no he isn’t coming home he is going out, he’d been drinking since lunch time and got tunnel vision, obviously forgetting he’d said he’d come home, I told him DS is getting worse and poorly.

By 6pm DS temperature has risen to 41.3 and I call 111 to which I’m told to take him to hospital within two hours. I call upon my mum who came to watch the baby so I could take him. Partners phone straight to VM, no messages delivering at all so he has no signal in the pub. I keep him updated with messages that remain undelivered. At this point I’m really quite angry.

Eventually at 9pm he calls, clearly incredibly drunk and not making much sense. We all get home at a similar time, at which point we argue and he is effing and blinding saying it’s the end of the relationship, I’m always on a witch hunt etc etc.

My issue is that ultimately he is wasn’t there when we needed him and I feel like we are always second best to his own plans. He has no empathy or understand how it feels to be relied upon alone by the children. His issue is that he doesn’t get to do enough and feels like I always have a problem with his plans. This whole situation has been somehow made out that I am now in the wrong for being mad at him - every time something happens he manipulates the situation and turns it into my fault.

Am I being totally unreasonable here? I don’t want to potentially lose this relationship and man who is actually a great father if I’m the one in the wrong!

You are 100% right!

And yet when child is sick and getting worse he takes no notice.

At 5pm he tells me no he isn’t coming home he is going out, he’d been drinking since lunch time and got tunnel vision, obviously forgetting he’d said he’d come home, I told him DS is getting worse and poorly.

He is brilliant when it suits him?

Your partner behaves as though he doesn't have children. His social life comes first and you are left on your own with three children, including a small baby. He travelled to another country three times during the month when your baby was one month old.

He just abused you when you were upset about him ignoring messages about his child who had to go to hospital. Your mum has to step in to help. Instead of being apologetic and really concerned about the health of his child, he has told you that he wants to separate.

In what universe is he a good father? He is objectively dreadful. Call his bluff. Agree that you should separate as he is useless as a father and husband.

He doesn’t do his fair share because he starts drinking at noon and abandons you and the young children—even if they are hospitalized—multiple times a week and even monthly. Children are not a weekend proposition. They rank above “socializing “ with friends. He is a lazy, useless, man who cosplays with you and the children on some weekends.

is there some alcoholism in your family, OP, because you take in stride a level of drinking and avoidance of home life that I would hsve thrown him out over. How dare he get paralytic and curse you out after forgetting you needed him and leaving you scrambling for help with a sick child?

I don’t want to potentially lose this relationship and man who is actually a great father
Fuck me...

He's not a great father, he's a fucking awful father. Fathers put their children first, waaaayy before going out drinking. He didn't even do a check up phone call despite knowing his child was ill.
He's not a great partner either. He's a single man with single man responsibilities who is "playing" at a relationship.

Where the hell are your boundaries and self esteem OP? Find them both sharpish, you have three vulnerable children relying on you to be an adult.

He's not a great father - he is quite hands on when he is there which appears to be not very often. He socialises with work and socialises when he is not at work. He doesn't stick to his word and was pissed out of his head and not answering his phone when your baby was ill and you had to involve your mother - what if she had not been available? He's a selfish twat and you are essentially a single parent with the occasional superdad appearance.

You had a 3 month old and a sick child - no good father goes out and gets drunk in that situation.

Only questions should be which house best fits your needs with the three children and if the houses are tenanted how fast can you get the tenants out. This is a rubbish relationship, you can do better.

@Vespa3142 It’s probably come as quite a shock to you that everyone here is in agreement saying what a terrible partner and father he is. It’s awful that he chose to go away three times in your babies first month and ignored your calls when another child was in hospital. You haven’t made him sound worse than he is, if anything you’ve minimised just how bad things are.

What do you plan to do?

I had to comment as I do really think he is being unfair. I understand he moved an hour from his hometown so doesn’t have many friends in the area but the amount of social things he does (even excluding work related social events) is a lot for a family with young children. Even being local I can’t imagine you have as much social time without the kids. And then to the point of him going out when you asked him not to. Really if you don’t do this often. I don’t he should have gone out even if the child was ill, let alone when the kid is. Absolutely out of order. And then to shout at you after the hospital trip. Really really out of order! You have just had a baby. What is this. Honestly he needs to be apologising and if not I don’t know how you can see yourself staying with someone who thinks and behaves that way towards you. I’m really sorry this has happened and he has turned out this way. Xx

He's not a great father. He's not even an adequate father. Why is your bar so low?

I think he’s right, OP - it IS the end of the relationship. Get rid.

Any normal father who had been out for drinks not knowing their child was unwell (which wasn’t even the case here, for starters) would be horrified to learn they were unwell, and would rush home to try and support you and their child. They wouldn’t eff and blind at you and threaten to break up with you during a stressful time. You don’t need this loser in yours or your kids lives.

He has shown you he won’t show up when you need him. Believe him.

This. One of the most sensible and succinct things I've seen on MN.

My DH would have been absolutely mortified if one of the children was that ill and he had not been able to support us because he couldn't be contacted. Your partner, by contrast, chooses to blame you. It tells you everything about him.

You need a serious conversation with him about how parenting does involve some sacrifices and that it's simply not fair to expect it to be your co-parent who makes all the sacrifices. He also needs to think about how he will feel when, in years to come, the children realise that he was never the person who was there for them when they most needed help and support. It may be worth trying couples' counselling.

You KNOW you are not being unreasonable at all!!

When he’s being a great dad, has he organised all of the activities, planned the day out, packed the bags, made sure you’ve got spare clothes, snacks, remembered when DC need to have naps and planned accordingly then tidied up afterwards while planning what you’re all having for dinner? Or does he just pitch up make them giggle then go off for an hour long man poo while you take of everything?

My DH is the least involved parent of all the parents we know (separate thread on its own…we’re probs going to end up divorced, he has an important man job…lots of issues I don’t need to go in to!) to the extent that when he’s not here it makes no difference to my life. He’s booked a trip away at the end of the year for 2 weeks and it won’t matter that’s he’s not here. It’s bad. As rubbish as he is, there is no way on this Earth he would even have gone out if one of the DC was ill never mind not have checked in with me while I took one very ill child to the hospital leaving me to call my mum to look after his other child. That’s how sh*t your P was. Unfortunately it’s a choice and he’s choosing to put himself above you and above his DC. He is not a good father.

Sorry x

You have pathetically low expectations.
And you clearly don't understand English. If her expectations were low they wouldn't have had an argument. She would have left him a voice mail asking him to have a drink on her... 🤦‍♀️

If he wanted to, he would. Sorry, he doesn’t want to be there. For him to throw out that it’s the end of the relationship, I expect that he was spoiling for an opportunity to say this. Start looking at an exit strategy.

Hes barely there seemingly and you've accepted that until now I'm assuming because you're not financially independent? Or married given the partner terminology.

I love this, very true. I’ve never heard this phrase before.

He behaves like a single guy with no children.

He's a fuckwit!

Sadly I suspect the OP is not ready to take in these hard truths and she will maintain that he's a good father because the alternative narrative is too hard to deal with.

So he is a great partner and father WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT!

In other words, one of these people who thinks parenting is like a computer game that has a pause button!

His actions are not acceptable. Who on earth goes out and gets wasted when you have a sick child?!?!?

He owes you a VERY big apology, and if he can't see that he is in the wrong then I'd be questioning your relationship.

He's gaslighting you by trying to turn it around and put the blame on you.

Unfortunately I assume you've let him get away with this behaviour for years if he thinks he can go out drinking during the week, go abroad for "hobbies" once a month whilst also being away with work some of the time. He sounds like he hasn't grown up yet, but I doubt he ever will.

He forgot your child was ill and got drunk instead. You had asked him not to go, he went anyway. Why did he feel the need to get drunk midweek when he’s seen friends regularly anyway. He needs to step up.

He is being an ass