Am I in the wrong here? Trying to put children first!

[Vespa3142]

A bit of background… Partner and I have been together 6/7 years, but known each other for 14. After the first year he moved to my home town (around an hour from his) and we bought our first house. Since then we have had 3DC.

Partner has a very social job and works late (in a social setting) usually at least once per week, as well as at least a couple of nights away overnight stays per month, leaving me with the children, the youngest 3MO. We have no external childcare support from family much to help out either. Partner also has social hobbies, one meaning he travels to another country on average once per month, although in January this year when DD was 1 MO he went away three times. In his defence, he doesn’t have many friends locally and this is his way of socialising with friends, mine whom I see more often and do things with the children etc.

This week DS, (4YO) has been unwell. Partner told me he was going out socially last night, I asked him not to as he is away majority of next week and was also away one night last week (with friends). He said he’d come home after work as usual. At 5pm he tells me no he isn’t coming home he is going out, he’d been drinking since lunch time and got tunnel vision, obviously forgetting he’d said he’d come home, I told him DS is getting worse and poorly.

By 6pm DS temperature has risen to 41.3 and I call 111 to which I’m told to take him to hospital within two hours. I call upon my mum who came to watch the baby so I could take him. Partners phone straight to VM, no messages delivering at all so he has no signal in the pub. I keep him updated with messages that remain undelivered. At this point I’m really quite angry.

Eventually at 9pm he calls, clearly incredibly drunk and not making much sense. We all get home at a similar time, at which point we argue and he is effing and blinding saying it’s the end of the relationship, I’m always on a witch hunt etc etc.

My issue is that ultimately he is wasn’t there when we needed him and I feel like we are always second best to his own plans. He has no empathy or understand how it feels to be relied upon alone by the children. His issue is that he doesn’t get to do enough and feels like I always have a problem with his plans. This whole situation has been somehow made out that I am now in the wrong for being mad at him - every time something happens he manipulates the situation and turns it into my fault.

Am I being totally unreasonable here? I don’t want to potentially lose this relationship and man who is actually a great father if I’m the one in the wrong!

What a prick. I'm sorry op ☹️

So he's a great father when he wants to be? Sorry, it doesn't work like that. Parenthood is about being there even though you rather be somewhere else at the moment. Your partner will be the perfect Disney dad after you leave him...wait he already is, isn't he? Seriously OP, you must see that he's an everyday shit dad with some glorious moment when he's up to it.

Clearly there’s something that convinced you to have 3 DC close in age.

but if this an ongoing problem you need to have serious conversation and mean it. And a family calendar. You cannot be left with the burden of constant evening care of 3 small children it’s selfish.
when you have children your life has to change socially especially if you can’t afford help.

he needs to sacrifice some social time. And if he can’t even remember to be home for an ill DC his priorities are way off.
let him cool down and be very calm when explain that his child was ill and he didn’t come home and was uncontactable.

if anything had happened to you or the kids he would’ve been AWOL. It’s not ok.

This

I think you might benefit from counselling, OP. From all you say, you have different ideas of how you want to live, and if you can't resolve that without rowing mediation might help you find a way through together, or help you decide how to move forward yourself.

Would you be a great mother if you went out fir a drink and left your child with a temp of 40 degrees to a babysitter?

How come he is a great father when he goes out drinking when his child is very ill?

Reconsider how you view his actions

OP is legally single.

Would you yourself go out regularly, get paralytic and leave your partner to care for 3 kids one of whom was very poorly? Why is acceptable for him to do so? Are u from a background where this is normal behaviour?

Did this great father even ask about his ill child before he started an argument with the only person who's looking after all his children?
Did he show any concern or compassion, or was he only interested in defending his own stupid choices?

I know it seems harsh but he is not interested in family life. He puts himself first even before his own children, let alone his partner. Let him go op, your life will be a lot better without the friction he causes day to day.

Same. I would find this utterly unforgivable.

So sorry this happened/ is happening. You sound like a lovely person and a great mum. This part really makes me feel for you:

"This whole situation has been somehow made out that I am now in the wrong for being mad at him - every time something happens he manipulates the situation and turns it into my fault."

I hope this thread has reassured you - your DP was totally in the wrong to go out drinking when you'd asked him for support. He was wrong to go out drinking when his child was unwell (even if he didn't know the extent). He was wrong to get blind drunk full stop (should not be happening when you've got young kids). He is wrong to expect you to pick up the pieces so he can enjoy the social life of a single and carefree young man. He is wrong to make you feel like you are in the wrong. He may have redeeming qualities but that doesn't mean that you should put up with this.

I wonder if you should investigate your legal rights in terms of how much you would get in child support.

Exactly!

Apparently 'when he is around' is a good day. I doubt that! He sounds like a waste of space and I would leave, or make him leave.

Also, I don't like to judge but why do some women keep having children with shit men?!

It sounds like he has the freedom to do a lot of things that you are not able to do (and many parents aren't able to do). He should have been there for you and his children when he was needed; he's let you all down and I'd be really disappointed, upset and angry.

My DH is objectively a good husband and father, he does all the good things you describe and more. He travels for work but when he is home, his hobbies revolve around me and our children, and he is flexible when anyone is ill, or I need support at work, or if I just need a break. He never makes me feel guilty if I ask him to change his plans, and if our child was sick, he would not just let one of our parents take over, because he genuinely puts our family as the sun at the centre of our life's solar system. I am not saying this to gloat, it is just how most women are with their families, and we give most men some kind of pass at treating their partners and children this way. If YOU would not do that thing, and you ARE a good wife and mother, andyour DH does not meet that same standard, he is objectively not a good parent or partner, no matter how hands-on he is at the weekends occasionally.

If he's a great father, I dread to imagine what other types of fathers there are.

I can only assume that some women had either missing dads or dads who did absolutely nothing. Therefore a man who does the bare minimum is a wonderful dad.

It doesn't matter that he spends money that could feed and clothe his children down the pub, that he's non contactable when his children are ill or that he never gives his wife a break. He's just fabulous!

If he lashed out having come home drunk, it’s awful and I’d expect him to apologise the next day.

His atrempts at manipulating you won’t work if you don’t react to them in any way. You know you are in the right and clearly have done nothing wrong and he was being in the wrong (to put it mildly). No explaining yourself, no acting like nothing happened. He gets a chance to maybe reconsider his behaviour, if he has it in him.

Wow that's shocking, thank god your mum was around and able to take over.

You say he’s a great father, surely he has to actually, you know… BE a father in order to be a great one?!
He’s never home for no other reason than he likes to get pissed up.
Literally what is even the point in him?
Everything about the person you described screams “f**k boy” to me and you making all these excuses screams “door mat”.

I often hear the expression: there are men who want wives and children and men who want to be husbands and fathers and it’s important to distinguish the two.

I know you are not married but I think this still applies.

It sounds like your partner just wants the convenience of a female partner and wants the legacy of kids but does not want to give anything of himself.

Your are not being unreasonable. He’s a dud partner.

How is he a good father and why do you want to hold onto this relationship?

Forget about him, OP. What on earth persuaded you that this man is a decent father to have one child with, let alone three? What about you? Why have you set the bar so low? Why have you settled for a man who doesn't take your needs, and the needs of his children, seriously enough to dedicate a few years to focusing on raising them well and supporting you?

He is a terrible father and partner. You are not married and therefore have no rights (unless you have done all the separate legal contracts around property, life insurance, wills etc).
You are in a vulnerable situation OP.
What on earth would you have done if your mum hadn't been around to help?
Your children's father appears to prioritise himself.
I am sorry.

I understand that when he is present he is involved but when you’re a parent you can’t just do whatever you like, when you want to do it. You very reasonably asked that he stay at home, he said he would come straight home after work and he didn’t.
If your Mum couldn’t have looked after the other children what would you have done? I think the most concerning thing really is that having stayed out, drinking to excess etc the next day he hasn’t apologised, said he had really messed up and was really sorry. Instead he has blamed you and called it a witch hunt….
My husband tends to go away more than me, I tend to have the odd evening out. Neither of us ask permission to do it, but when we put it on the calendar we check that the other person doesn’t have plans and there have been times when one of us has had to not go, I still remember when mine were small and both had chicken pox their Dad didn’t go on weekend away as planned even though I told him to, because there was nothing he could really do to help but he said he knew that would have had a rough weekend if he went and he didn’t want me to.
its all very well him telling you that you can do the same but in reality he would probably very quickly complain about holding the fort as much as you do.
If he’s going to threaten to end the relationship when you disagree, I would end it anyway. You are not in the wrong for being annoyed and angry that he stayed out and got legless when he said he would come home, only you can decide if the good times are enough to make it worth overlooking someone being so thoughtless and unapologetic.