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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends ignoring me since loss

75 replies

stirfrypixie · 07/03/2025 06:27

I lost my second parent in November last year after a battle with a rare illness for a few years (I lost the first 8 years ago).
I let my closest friends know at the time and they each responded with apologies and that if I needed them to let them know.
they didn’t offer to come to the funeral which I thought was odd, especially as one of them knew my dad for 20+ years but didn’t think about it too much as I know they both have busy jobs.
My issue though is that neither of them have reached out to me since the death. I haven’t heard from them at all.
they haven’t checked in on me, or even just sent me any of the usual stupid texts you normally send your friends. However, I also haven’t contacted them.
AIBU to think they should have made the effort to contact me while I’m grieving and that I shouldn’t have to reach out to them first?

OP posts:
Stairsdown · 07/03/2025 06:30

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Original poster
stirfrypixie · 07/03/2025 06:37

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

i would message with both of them almost daily and one of them I would meet up with regularly for lunch, coffee, we would go to events together. The other I haven’t seen much for the last year or so as she moved fairly far away but we would still speak often.

OP posts:
SnuffleTruffleHound · 07/03/2025 06:41

People generally don't know how to deal with someone else's grief, they find it easier to just ignore it /you.
this is them, not you

Meadowfinch · 07/03/2025 06:52

Lots of people have no idea how to react, especially if they have never lost anyone. They feel terribly awkward.

You'll have to make the first move, don't just leave it hanging.

Send them a text suggesting a specific activity, even if it's only going to the cinema.

Biscuitsnotcookies · 07/03/2025 06:55

How absolutely shocking and unthinkable. You must be so very sad and let down. There is no excuse for not checking in with you, no matter huw busy or unsure they are, they could and should have been there for you.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. What is the point in having friends if they can’t even support you in the most basic way when you have just lost a parent?! They are not friends oo, and I’m sorry you have to find this out during such difficult times.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/03/2025 06:55

People feel awkward after a bereavement. I don't but then I'm a nurse but a lot of people just run and hide until it's over.
Invite them out for lunch make contact. They might also think you want to be alone.

CalicoPusscat · 07/03/2025 06:58

It's likely they think you're preoccupied and that you'll get in contact when you're ready

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 07/03/2025 06:58

If you are in your 20s I agree it’s shit.

if they are 30s /40s especially with kids / their own parents their plates are probably full and you probably need to reach out and say I’m struggling can we get a coffee.

I’d also say now I am older I have “different friends for different things”.
my “fun time friends” are unable to verbalise empathy or offer any kind of support… to an embarrassing level (for them, I mean) but if o want a bucket of wine and a nice meal they are great company…

HelenWheels · 07/03/2025 06:59

SnuffleTruffleHound · 07/03/2025 06:41

People generally don't know how to deal with someone else's grief, they find it easier to just ignore it /you.
this is them, not you

i agree
so many people are very awkward around death

springintoaction321 · 07/03/2025 07:00

@stirfrypixie this happened to me when my brother passed years ago. It was a very difficult few months and I didn't dwell on it too much, but yeah.

As others have said, I guess they feel awkward, or maybe assume you're busy sorting stuff out?

Not a great excuse from them really. But yes, I would suggest coffee/cinema/walk at the weekend with them. And if they are 'too busy' then just leave it. You're important - and sorry for your loss.

OneFineDay13 · 07/03/2025 07:04

Been through the same myself

CaptainCuntchops · 07/03/2025 07:15

YANBU.
People are incredibly self absorbed. I am sorry for your losses.

sammylady37 · 07/03/2025 07:19

On threads like these people always always say that others feel awkward/don’t know what to do or say after a bereavement, so they do nothing. While it’s likely true that they feel awkward, I think that doesn’t justify doing or saying nothing and not supporting a friend. It may be acceptable for a casual acquaintance (though personally I don’t think it is) but for an actual friend I think it’s shameful. They abandon you at a time you need them most. I really think these grown adults need to step up and be there for their friends, instead of ‘feeling awkward’ and saying nothing, leaving their friend without the support of their close friends.

I’m Irish and we have a very different approach and attitude to death and funerals than is seen in the U.K. generally. Here, your community rallies around you and supports you and shows up for you. After each of my parents died, I was blown away by the number of people who travelled from far and wide to meet me and offer condolences. Many of my colleagues drove a round trip of 7 to 8 hours just to attend the wake in my childhood home and pay their respects. A friend of mine cut their holiday short to attend the funeral mass. Two of my friends have lost a child, in similar circumstances, childhood cancers. Of course I felt awkward, didn’t know what to say etc (who does know exactly what to say in those circumstances?) but that didn’t stop me (and many, many others) stepping up for my friends. I turned up and told them I was sorry for what they were going through, hugged them, listened to them, held their hands as they cried etc. it doesn’t have to be deeply profound and meaningful words, you just have to be there. And continue to be there afterwards.

I will be forever grateful to those who were with me either physically or emotionally as I grieved both my parents. And the one ‘friend’ who wasn’t there, who sent a trite text and hasn’t been seen or heard of since? He can go fuck himself.

Ferrazzuoli · 07/03/2025 07:22

I think it's rubbish they haven't been in contact, but it would be a shame for you to lose your closest friends on top of your bereavement. Why not reach out to them now OP?

woodlandstream · 07/03/2025 07:27

On threads like these people always always say that others feel awkward/don’t know what to do or say after a bereavement, so they do nothing. While it’s likely true that they feel awkward, I think that doesn’t justify doing or saying nothing and not supporting a friend

Totally agree - noone bereaved is expecting poems or long thought out speeches - its hardly difficult to just say "I am so sorry - how can I help" or "thinking of you today- I'm here if you need me" etc. Its really not that difficult.

Everyone goes through loss at some point or another in life, its s universal experience that happens with time. I wonder how they would feel if it was them?

GreyCarpet · 07/03/2025 07:27

That seems a long time for no contact in both directions.

I wonder if they started by deciding to give you space and follow your lead and, over the weeks (now months), it just became awkward or whether they've wondered if they should contact you but because they haven't heard from you, they're not sure if they should or you would want them to? And then life moves on.

If you want to stay in touch, send a message. If you don't get a reply, you have your answer.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/03/2025 07:28

sammylady37 · 07/03/2025 07:19

On threads like these people always always say that others feel awkward/don’t know what to do or say after a bereavement, so they do nothing. While it’s likely true that they feel awkward, I think that doesn’t justify doing or saying nothing and not supporting a friend. It may be acceptable for a casual acquaintance (though personally I don’t think it is) but for an actual friend I think it’s shameful. They abandon you at a time you need them most. I really think these grown adults need to step up and be there for their friends, instead of ‘feeling awkward’ and saying nothing, leaving their friend without the support of their close friends.

I’m Irish and we have a very different approach and attitude to death and funerals than is seen in the U.K. generally. Here, your community rallies around you and supports you and shows up for you. After each of my parents died, I was blown away by the number of people who travelled from far and wide to meet me and offer condolences. Many of my colleagues drove a round trip of 7 to 8 hours just to attend the wake in my childhood home and pay their respects. A friend of mine cut their holiday short to attend the funeral mass. Two of my friends have lost a child, in similar circumstances, childhood cancers. Of course I felt awkward, didn’t know what to say etc (who does know exactly what to say in those circumstances?) but that didn’t stop me (and many, many others) stepping up for my friends. I turned up and told them I was sorry for what they were going through, hugged them, listened to them, held their hands as they cried etc. it doesn’t have to be deeply profound and meaningful words, you just have to be there. And continue to be there afterwards.

I will be forever grateful to those who were with me either physically or emotionally as I grieved both my parents. And the one ‘friend’ who wasn’t there, who sent a trite text and hasn’t been seen or heard of since? He can go fuck himself.

Edited

I'm Irish too and agree that while the very odd person drops the ball, the majority of friends and acquaintances, work colleagues etc are brilliant both over the course of the funeral and beyond. The kind of patterns regularly described here literally give me chills, if you cannot rely on each other through the vicissitudes of life, then what is the point of friendship? OP, your friends conduct is appalling, don't let anyone excuse it away.

HelenWheels · 07/03/2025 07:29

it is human nature, perhaps not for all, but my friends were frightened to raise the subject.

PicaK · 07/03/2025 07:30

People don't know how to deal with death. Equally people find it hard to grieve. You seem to be building up a picture of intentionally cruel people. Is that really them? Were they just not wanting to intrude on your grief?
Send a text. Say you've been feeling low, it's been hard but coming out if it now. Would love to hear your news (however small) to get mme back into the land of the living.

glittereyelash · 07/03/2025 07:33

I have had a few close bereavements and people can react in very different ways. Some people will rally around you while others step back and wait to follow your lead. How did they react after the loss of your mother? My condolences the losses are so difficult to process 😢

Catza · 07/03/2025 07:38

People's grief is very different. You want someone to reach out, other people are distress by constant need to tell everyone "how they are feeling". Your friends have no idea about your needs unless you tell them.
I wouldn't offer to come to someone's funeral. I would wait to be invited. It's not my place to invite myself when people might not want me there, for whatever reason. The only funerals, birthdays, weddings and anniversaries I would ever show up to uninvited is my family's because the rule in my family is - you are always invited to anything. But it's not socially acceptable for people in other families, for example. In some cultures you are expected to be given a private time to grief, in others community is expected to rally around you.
You don't know what is a norm in your friends' circles, they don't know what is the norm in yours.

Newfoundzestforlife · 07/03/2025 07:41

It's said that in hard times you find out who your friends are.....yours have been nowhere to be seen.
Sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹

Stairsdown · 07/03/2025 07:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FloLeTaxi · 07/03/2025 07:50

Even if they do feel awkward, surely you'd send a good friend at least one message since November asking how you are?

Or a Christmas or New Year greeting?

uggmum · 07/03/2025 08:04

Their lack of contact is shocking.
Really makes you reevaluate friendships.
I would take it as a sign.
Invest in the people that have been there for you.

I've had a similar experience. It has taught me a lot. It's upsetting.