Friends ignoring me since loss

[stirfrypixie]

I lost my second parent in November last year after a battle with a rare illness for a few years (I lost the first 8 years ago).
I let my closest friends know at the time and they each responded with apologies and that if I needed them to let them know.
they didn’t offer to come to the funeral which I thought was odd, especially as one of them knew my dad for 20+ years but didn’t think about it too much as I know they both have busy jobs.
My issue though is that neither of them have reached out to me since the death. I haven’t heard from them at all.
they haven’t checked in on me, or even just sent me any of the usual stupid texts you normally send your friends. However, I also haven’t contacted them.
AIBU to think they should have made the effort to contact me while I’m grieving and that I shouldn’t have to reach out to them first?

From personal experience I would advise you not to bother contacting them until you are passed the worst of your grief, when you are more upbeat and something unexpectedly reminding you won’t affect you too obviously. These friends clearly don’t want to be around you while you are grieving.

I don’t accept the excuse that some people don’t know how to handle the bereaved. If they have no experience they could ask someone who has. Failing that they could Google it.

I firmly believe people who avoid the bereaved do so entirely to protect themselves. Other people’s losses remind that at some point it will be them who is bereaved or of course dead. No one likes to be reminded of their own mortality.

They know their isn’t a quick fix for grief and their friend won’t be fun for quite some time, so they protect their good times. Maybe they intend to pick up where they left the friendship in future happier times. Maybe they even believe they won’t have permanently damaged the friendship. But in the meantime they don’t want someone dragging them down.

And spending time with someone who is grieving is draining. But I can’t imagine dropping a friend because of that. At worst I might spend a little less time with them but not the frequency. - little and often goes a long way.

Where is their compassion? I wonder if they genuinely expect to be dropped when the time comes for them to experience grief. I very much doubt it.

It could be the dynamic of your friendships. If you are the person who always contacts others first, it might not occur to them to contact you. Or they don't want to bother you and just assume you will come to them if you need anything. Or they're going through stuff themselves and don't have the emotional bandwidth for someone else right now. Or they're just bad friends.

I can understand. I lost my second parent recently, both died fairly young, so none of my peers are in the same stage as me. My grief this time round was terrible, felt so cheated to have lost another lovely parent young (surely it was someone else's turn??) so I had to withdraw for a while. No one contacted me other than one text to say sorry.

When I was feeling more upbeat, I made the effort to contact my long standing friends and keep it light. I'm glad that I can move on and have that humour back in my life.

I'm not sure how I'll feel in the future when they too are faced with losing parents.

I'm sorry but that is absolutely ridiculous. How self absorbed does someone have to be to let their 'fear' of raising the subject - the subject being the death of a parent which happens to everybody, not that said parent murdered somebody - override their decency, sense of obligation and common humanity. If that's truly human nature we're even more fucked than I thought we were. If people find this kind of very normal support for each other that difficult, let's hope we don't ever end up in any kind of a situation where we have to rely on each other through abnormal events - food or power shortages, conflict, etc.

It's likely they think you're preoccupied and that you'll get in contact when you're ready

I'd assume this too. They gave you space and if you've not been in touch they'd take their cue from that and let you be. I certainly wouldn't send silly messages like usual if I thought you'd gone quiet. I think it's a bit odd to wait to be checked in on like it's a friendship test. If you want to be in contact with them, message them. Apologies if you have and I've missed that.

People can be weird around death. They worry about saying or doing the wrong thing (and tbf it’s very easy to). I think people also get it in their heads that people want privacy or to be left alone, particularly if someone goes quiet.

I wouldn’t take it personally OP. I understand it’s disappointing, but I don’t think it reflects how much they care about you. So sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for your loss and that your friends haven't checked in on you. It adds insult to injury, doesn't it. I agree with a lot of previous posters that some people just don't know what to say or how to behave around the bereaved, but it is no excuse. I remember that about a week after my Dad died, a friend of mine, who I considered a close friend, crossed the road to avoid me. I saw her see me coming towards her and she scuttled off across the road. Then when I next saw her, she didn't mention my Dad at all. It was as if it hadn't even happened and made me feel completely invalidated. In the weeks after my husband died, I was in the local shop, and I saw a fellow school Mum coming towards me in the aisle. She turned away and ran off. Some people are just cowards. All they have to say is "I'm sorry". A friend of mine had a stillborn baby. She said she was in a shop and saw someone she knew shortly after it had happened. The person she knew just came up to her and hugged her and didn't say a word because there was nothing to say. My friend said that that hug meant more to her than she could put into words.

I also think that some people avoid mentioning someone's death to a bereaved person because they think it will make the bereaved person feel worse or will make them think about it all over again. When you have lost a loved one, it's ALL you can think about. I think it's far worse for friends to ignore what you're going through in a misguided attempt to save you from further grief, than to just acknowledge it.

I'm very sorry - I can imagine you feel very let down. When I lost my husband, I spent a lot of time feeling like persona non grata. As if I was a nuisance to be around because I made people feel uncomfortable. It's a horrible feeling. I wish we as a nation could be more like the Irish (having read the posts above) and have more sympathy and understanding and less fear of death.

I really hope your friends come round eventually...if that is indeed what you want to happen and again I am very sorry for your loss. ❤️

I'm not at all surprised that people fear talking to the bereaved. There are a million articles online (and threads on here) berating people for using the wrong words when addressing loss. In fact, loss is one of the words many people find offensive. 'I didn't lose him in bloody Sainsbury's!' etc.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, I honestly think if these friends are otherwise kind and loyal, you should contact them.

This is how I would have taken this too. They invited you to contact them but you haven't. They've no idea that you are annoyed with them and want them to contact you. Maybe they just thought you wanted some space and now feel that you clearly aren't that interested in them. It's all a bit silly. If you want to contact them then send a message and if you don't then don't.

What was the wording of the last message between you

How bloody typical. Same thing happened to me. Oh let’s hide behind our curtains and pretend it’s not there because it’s awkward. We would rather be friends for the fun stuff.

Seriously this is so immature. All I wanted was a text ‘thunking of you, hope you’re ok’. I would not have used anyone as a grief counselor or expected a lot of action. But a bit of consideration is something.

I think expecting someone NOT to take it personally is bizarre, it couldn't be more personal. At one of the most difficult times in her life, her previously close friends have ran for the hills. It literally doesn't matter what excuses, reasons, 'you don't know what's going on in their lives' bullshit anyone spouts, those are the facts.

But OP literally says their last message was to let them know if she needed them. It's strange to me to sit there stewing that they've not been in touch when that was the last message and OP has effectively gone quiet on them.

@Feelinghurt2

I also think that some people avoid mentioning someone's death to a bereaved person because they think it will make the bereaved person feel worse or will make them think about it all over again

Firstly I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad and husband.
The problem with bereaved people is that everyone is different. Ive known people who genuinely don't want people to mention the death of someone close to them. Its not because they are repressed or find it difficult to talk about death just that they don't want to talk about it in the middle of the supermarket with a school run friend (or whatever)

It's them, not you, A lot of people are very bad at dealing with death and its fallout.

A neighbour of mine recently lost her husband (he was only about 70). She said to me that she was genuinely surprised by the number of people who seemed to be unable to say anything to her, practically crossing the street to avoid contact.

If someone who had been bereaved told me, 'I'll be in touch', I'd leave it a couple of months and then drop them a short text along the lines of, 'Hope you're doing okay, think of you often.'

The point is it’s probably not motivated by anything personal – it’s not a reflection of their feelings about the relationship, it’s about them. Chances are they would be the same with any other friend. Hence it’s not personal – it isn’t to do with anything particular about the OP or how much/little they value her friendship.

I mean it’s not impossible that it’s something personal against the OP (for the sake of argument) but I think we can agree that’s very, very unlikely indeed.

The point is it’s probably not motivated by anything personal – it’s not a reflection of their feelings about the relationship, it’s about them. Chances are they would be the same with any other friend. Hence it’s not personal – it isn’t to do with anything particular about the OP or how much/little they value her friendship

Then those people should not expect support when they need it themselves. Its selfish. If you dont want to support a friend because it makes you uncomfortable fine, but then dont expect it back later on when you need it.

The OP's friends have effectively dropped her, if it were in any context other than post bereavement, most would find their behaviour cruel and deeply unfair. But to my mind, the context makes their behaviour less understandable, not more which many here seem to be arguing.

I think you have to make a bit more of an effort than that with a recently bereaved friend, TBH. If the bereaved person goes quiet, it might be because they don't want to impose their grief on anyone else - but desperately need someone to talk to. Which is why you drop them a short text along the lines of, 'Just wondering how you're doing, I'm here if you need me.'

Probably they don’t know what to do or say. Send a message asking how they are and say something true but undramatic about how you are , eg ‘Bereavement really sucks but I’m plodding along. It would be great to see you. ‘
I’m sorry for your loss, it’s hard.

This actually makes me very angry. "let me know if I can help" is fine for a random friend, acquaintance, school run buddy. It's not okay for a good riend. When you are grieving, the act of thinking, "I could really do with a friend" or even the more practical, "I can't face cooking dinner I wish someone else would cook it for me" are beyond you. A GOOD friend would say, "Let me know if I can help. In the meantime, unless you tell me otherwise, I'll bring a meal round for all of you on Fridays so at least you don't have to think about that" or whatever.

It's completely bollocks to think that because OP has not replied that means she doesn't want her friends.

I do agree that lots of people simply don't know how to handle this. And it's yet another area where we let our children down by not teaching them how to do this. When one of DS' classmate's father's died, I encouraged him to say somethign to his friend and explained why. He doesn't really understand properly at this point, but I will keep banging on about this so that he will hopefulyl understand and know how to behave by the time he's an adult.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I have in the past been told I say the wrong thing. Example. Friend lost her mum. After a couple of weeks I rang her and asked how she was. She replied, how the fuck do you think I feel and slammed the phone down. She told another friend I rang up with stupid questions and we haven't spoken since.

From my own perspective I just want to be left alone and not have to constantly go through all the upsetting details. I know my friends are sorry for my loss and they know I will get in touch when I'm ready.

Everyone reacts differently. I hope you reconnect with your friends soon.

They aren't your friends, real friends would do more than just message you (these can't even do that) I'm sorry but at times like these you find out who your real friends are.

I had a lunch planned with some friends I hadn't seen in months the week my DH passed away suddenly. I called them and insisted we still meet up - their instinct was to cancel and let me be. But I needed to know life would go on.
They are probably thinking you need space and are waiting for you to get in touch.

It's so hard in these situations because people don't know if the bereaved want space or not.

Usually, I would offer condolences then give space. But I wouldn't have left it 4-5months if a close friend lost their parent and not have any contact.

If my best friend's parent died, I'd be attending the funeral, and would definitely check in with my friend often.

Whereas for myself, I go very withdrawn after bereavement and just want space and peace.

I think in your case, your friends have given you space, albeit too much, and I think you should send them a message suggesting coffee and cake. Keep it light and casual, don't tell them you are upset or annoyed at their lack of contact, just start afresh from now and get your friendships back on track.