Friends ignoring me since loss

[stirfrypixie]

I lost my second parent in November last year after a battle with a rare illness for a few years (I lost the first 8 years ago).
I let my closest friends know at the time and they each responded with apologies and that if I needed them to let them know.
they didn’t offer to come to the funeral which I thought was odd, especially as one of them knew my dad for 20+ years but didn’t think about it too much as I know they both have busy jobs.
My issue though is that neither of them have reached out to me since the death. I haven’t heard from them at all.
they haven’t checked in on me, or even just sent me any of the usual stupid texts you normally send your friends. However, I also haven’t contacted them.
AIBU to think they should have made the effort to contact me while I’m grieving and that I shouldn’t have to reach out to them first?

It’s really hurtful. When I lost my parent I messaged my closest friend (since childhood) and they ignored the message. Couldn’t be bothered to say sorry for your loss. Didn’t reach out over funeral or anything and haven’t heard from them since. It’s been 2 years now and at first I was angry and hurt but now I realise they have always been selfish and I haven’t lost anything with that relationship. I would consider if it is awkwardness around death or just generally being uncaring to decide on your next steps. Sorry for your loss OP

The best advice someone gave me years ago was that when you are grieving, it's very difficult to make decisions or to cope with options. But a simple yes/no is easiest.

So, for example, "I thought we could go see that rom com next week as a bit lighthearted fun. It's showing on wednesday at 7. Send me a yes/no and I'll book or not book accordingly"

Or, "I can pick up Johnny on Tuesdays and thursdays and drop him off for you for the next few weeks. Would that be helpful?"

Or "I am taking Mary and Penny swimming on Saturday morning, why don't I swing by and collect Johnny as well so you have a few hours?"

Or "Mary and Penny are very keen to hit the pottery painting place, I thought that perhaps it would be a nice day out for you and Johnny too? I could book it for Wednesday after school."

It's completely bollocks to think that because OP has not replied that means she doesn't want her friends.

I guess I'm just getting why she hasn't just replied if she wants her friends.

FWIW I'm one of the people who don't want to talk about the loss of my parent and wouldn't want people to ask me about it. It actively does my head in and I'd rather carry on as normal. In OP's situation, if I wanted to be in touch with my friend, I'd get in touch with my friend.

There's a huge difference between wanting to talk about my grief and wanting my friends to still include me or "carry on as normal".

I didn't particularly want to talk about my mother's death either. But I DID want to be invited to the pub or to a movie if that was our normal routine. And I certainly expected people to understand that me not reaching out was not necessarily because I didn't want to see them but because I was struggling.

I appreciated the messaging suggesting coffee, or inviting me and DS to a playdate very much.

They could have sent a "thinking of you" message.

Or at New Year they could have sent "Hope this year is better for you".

Or if they really don't know what to say they could have sent just a heart emoji occasionally!!!

Sorry for your loss.

Sometimes people don’t know how to handle these kind of things, and feel that they shouldn’t send trivial messages when you have so much going on.

If I were you I would send a silly meme to each of them to show that you are happy to engage in light-hearted conversation. If they follow up to ask how you are etc and keep the conversation going, then crack on. If not, they have shown you the kind of friends they really are, and you are better off without them.

I know it seems unfair for you to have to make the first move, OP, and I’ve been there after a bereavement, so it’s up to you whether you want to open the door for the friendships to resume, or if the hurt you have felt has tainted your view of them.

Wishing you all the best, and I hope you have some other wonderful people in your life to offer you support.

And selfish. Why is someone else's bereavement and grief all about them?

I always reach out and meet up, but often then am not sure it's welcome and get confused about what is helpful or unhelpful. I guess when we are grieving or ill we withdraw, and that makes it hard to reach out, and hard for the other person to read what is wanted. Not necessarily anyone's fault here.

I'd be very careful with this different friends for different things kind of mentality. I had a couple of friends where it was very obvious I was the support, the shoulder to cry on, the practical support. I enjoy a fun time, good wine and good food and it became apparent in conversation I was always the one for empathy and not being invited on the big party nights out. I ended up cutting most of them loose. It is draining always being peoples rock.

In the case of the OP I would question, have there been fun times with these friends? Or whilst the death of a parent is incredibly sad, is this just another thing her friends now feel they need to support her through? These relationships need to be give and take- you need the fun times as well as the support network.

Agree with most other 'english' people on here that people are shit with death especially if they haven't experienced a close bereavement. I noticed a big difference with how friends reacted when I lost my mum 15 years ago and my dad 5 years ago. In the interim others had been through it too or had just grown up and knew what to say. But first time round the amount of friends who just never mentioned it was unbelievably hurtful. I sort of understand it now. The Irish culture around death and grieving is so much healthier.

Agree with people saying it’s because people feel awkward and don’t know what to say BUT that is not an excuse because it’s not about them.

I remember the first time I saw a good friend of my partners after an accident left him in a wheelchair. I was nervous to see him until I told myself to get over myself and what he is going through is far worse. I walked in, hugged him and said “how are you?” And let him speak.

Another friend of mine is going through a bereavement now and it’s the same thing, she has had friends barely speak to her. It’s really not on.

I would say though, if you want to talk to them (and I think you should to have a support network around you right now) then just speak directly and say “I could really do with some company now, can we meet up please” and tell them what kind of support you want - whether it’s to talk about it, or for distraction or a bit of both. The more they are around you the less they will be inclined to distance themselves. You shouldn’t HAVE to do it, they SHOULD grow up and reach out to you themselves but I think you need people right now. Further down the line, or if they don’t even respond to you asking for help then you should cut them out if you feel that’s best

People are strange...
I worked with 2 sisters for 16 years and in that time we became good friends in and out of work,would meet up for lunches,go to bbqs,I met their families etc.When I started working with them my son was 3 months old so they knew him from a small baby and saw him grow up alongside my daughter.
I left the workplace 16 years later and we remained in touch,albeit not as much but I always made the effort to go and see them as I was the only driver out of the 3 of us.

My son was diagnosed with Cancer aged 18 and during the 3 years he had chemo I only ever had one phonecall each from them and this was when he was first diagnosed.One sister said she wanted to arrange a car racing experience for my son and the other sister just texted me to ask what had happened and that was the last I heard from either of them!.I texted them not long after that to arrange a meet up day but never got a reply back so I never reached out again.He passed away 3 years after diagnosis and they both knew as one was friends with my eldest daughter on FB yet not one of them reached out to me even after he died,and still never have!,and yes they definitely know he passed away.

We never once argued or fell out during our friendship but as soon as I left to go and work somewhere else they just didn't make an effort anymore and effectively left me when I needed a friend more than ever.I live in a different town now but often go back to my hometown and I'd love to bump into one of them and for them to speak to me as I'd take great pleasure in telling the pair of them to go fuck themselves 🤣.I'm usually a very non confrontational person but the resentment I now feel towards them would completelty override that.
So yes,people are strange.

Exactly, when my friend’s mom passed away she wasnt in that much contact the weeks leading up to it (for obvious reasons) she had one friend who kind of handled this for her, giving us updates.

Occasionally I would say something like “please don’t worry about replying to this but I wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and always here”

After a week or so, she reached out and I saw her almost daily during that time and still multiple times a week now. I don’t always know the right thing to say, but didn’t underestimate just letting her speak and giving her a cuddle when she needed one

I think a simple message just to say thinking of you, how are things . Fancy meeting up... if someone really cared about you. I think others are right in saying people often don't know how to respond or support properly and then just avoid it. My child hood friend who I was so close to lost her mother some years ago and although I was there for her , on the phone a lot whenever she called , (different countries)I honestly didn't know what to say , I just listened and she talked and cried and I'd say your mum was so lovely and go through memories of all the times I'd had with her mother , but it can be very awkward and you worry if you say the wrong thing and make it worse.

I see this line trotted out on MN all the time. Meanwhile in real life I haven’t never ever heard of this happening. How callous and cold to do this to you OP.

Would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me and I would tell the pair of them to piss off.

I have first hand experience of it. My dad died at 55, some people were supportive of my mum and myself, however many others (the bigger %) did exactly what I said in my post.

Awful behaviour. Sorry but theres no excuse for this, they're not your friends OP. I dont accept all this BS people don't know how to react, people are awkward with death etc. What a load of crap.
One of my old school friends recently lost her dad, havent spoken to the girl in 15 years but I still reached out and said how sorry I was. Jesus Christ if you cant even keep in touch with a friend who is going through some shit, even if you feel awkward, then id rather not have them in my life at all.
This shouldn't be on you to chase after people OP and if your so called friends cant send a few messages here and there in 4 months to see how you're doing and maybe invite you for a coffee, they're not your friends. That's cruel!

They are rude, probably out of awkwardness. I couldn't fathom doing that to a friend.

Give them one chance. Send a text and see what happens.

I’m so sorry for your loss. A major event like this is a time to see who your friends are. These aren’t. Not attending a funeral due to other commitments is fine. Not being able to meet up is fine. Not texting or checking in isn’t. Look after you xxxxx

I can answer this from the perspective that I am the friend whose friend has just lost her MIL. I reached out when it happened with a card and a text to say I was there if they needed me for anything or to help in any way and as they haven't been in touch, I have assumed they are busy dealing with the funeral arrangements, seeing family etc etc so haven't reached out since. Reading your post though I certainly will now with just a little message to see how they are and if they feel like a catchup and a cuppa or a bloody good drink to let it all out.
I'm sorry you feel like this but maybe reach out to them and say you are struggling and need them. If they are real friends I'm sure they will be there in a shot.

I think it's good that you have taken on board this thread. Because the reality is that in these moments, many poeople do not reach out because they do not have capacity. And also, when people say, "let us know if we can help" 9/10 that will involve soem complicated planning "Can you collect Johnny from school on Friday?" "Oh, sorry, no, I can't. I can do thursday?" and it all just gets a bit complicated.

Ditto, I'd far rather say no to a nornmal social invite that not be included.

It wasn't a good solid friendship as good friends don't do that.
You never really know people.

I lost my second parent recently. The same friends that disappeared 1st time disappeared the 2nd time too. I've accepted some people are very uncomfortable with talking about death or just cannot comprehend what you are going through. I don't hold it against them.

I'm lucky I have lots of friends who are healthcare professionals or have lost parents. They have been the best at checking in.

So sorry for your loss OP.

When I lost my dad very unexpectedly, I was one of the first of my age-group peers to lose a parent.
I was really surprised by those who reached out repeatedly, and those who didn't.

The wife of a cousin I see about once a decade reached out repeatedly and with real kindness. I'd never really liked the woman previously, but she went up massively in my estimation after that.
Whereas another cousin, who used to see my dad quite regularly, and I'd counted as a friend, never said a word.
People just behave differently around death - unpredictably so.

Yeah I agree 100% with this. I lost my DF when I was 41 & then my DM 4 years later when I was 45. I don't know anyone else my age (I'm now 49) who has lost both parents. I felt pretty angry/bitter for a full year after both deaths really. Absolutely hated seeing fb posts with people out for lunch with their parents etc or celebrating Mother's/Father's Day - i felt so cheated. Loads of my friends didn't know what to say or went quiet or said things that annoyed me (not their fault I was hyper sensitive). My DF died Christmas Day 2016 & the amount of close friends who would wish me a lovely Christmas or ask if I was excited about Christmas etc (one year after his death) used to really wind me up but I know they'd just forgotten/slipped their minds the date he died. Yet it was burned onto my very soul etc & has spoiled Christmas ever since really. People have busy lives & are forgetful & don't want to upset you/say the wrong thing but I also had amazing friends who were there for me through that shitty time and are still there for me today 💗 OP if you do meet up with your friends maybe just clear the air and be honest. Explain how their silence has hurt your feelings etc. Then you don't feel resentful towards them.