Co parenting. Want to move

[Feelingtrapped100]

I know INBU but I feel like AIBU gets more traffic. I Left my abusive ex years ago, this prompted an assault where he had stalked and waited for me and I was convinced I was going to die. I was bullied into not going to court but he was convicted.
contact with his child was sporadic originally, a few years later he sees his child 3 weekends out of 4. He has done other awful things to us but I have little evidence and didn’t report.
Years later I have moved on and have a boyfriend of 3 years that lives miles away. He lives in a place that I have always wanted to live and we would love to buy a place there together. I have wanted to leave my home town forever and the perfect opportunity would be during the transition to secondary school. I would only do this if my child was happy to which he is. I desperately want to get away from here for a fresh start.
I finally mentioned my thoughts to my ex who exploded, informed everyone he could and threatened court and prohibited steps order.
I feel like he has held me back so much already and the move could potentially mean much better prospects, finally owning a house and being happy and independent. I currently rent a relatives property.
sorry this is so long, I just want to know if I have any hope at all of this going my way and I don’t want to stop my son seeing his dad. I just can’t believe that one parent can sacrifice so much and go through so much at the hands of the other and it have no bearing on a custody hearing (which is what it is increasingly seeming like). I have had some free legal advice. TIA

Feelingtrapped100
@Feelingtrapped100 I also don’t think that saying “what would you think to this idea, obviously I old only work if you moved too”. Is any reason to blow up.
Sorry if have picked you up wrong, but you haven't suggest to the ex that he should move to the new area too?

Its so tough when their dad is emotionally abusive and manipulative, but not bad enough you can know that they'd be better off without him in their lives. My ex is like this and still doing damage, the kids want to see him, but would rather go less than currently, but they're well aware of how angrily he'd react to any suggestion of changing things and how badly he'd make them feel about it. Ultimately if it gets to court they're going to want to speak to your DS. If you can afford it there's no harm in seeing a family law lawyer and seeing what they think your chances are when you can talk to them about what you can evidence and the other particulars of your case. If they dont think chances are decent at the moment it might be best to wait a year or two. The older and more independent your DS gets the more he'd hopefully be able to have his own voice and the more he'd get listened to.

I've worked with women who have had their children handed over to abusive ex-husbands because the courts didn't support their case to move and saw the attempts to move as another example of the parental alienation being claimed by the father. These are women who had legal representation. Women have to be extremely careful how they argue their case. I know "YDGAF" about my experiences (and that's ok) or even actually about the OP because your "advice" is flippant and based on a case study of one.

@Feelingtrapped100 don't meet him. Stay safe.

This. If this sort of advice is given, in my view it is essential to warn of the possible consequences of taking the advice. Losing permanent custody of your child to an abusive ex is not something most women would take lightly.

He’s 11 he’s already old enough to travel independently.

There’s no history of parental alienation in this case. There is a history of the ex having moved away and moved back.

I would move as long as your son is OK with that. But be prepared to transport your son on the weekends he is with his dad until your son is old enough to go on train himself. Your ex might come round and be agreeable to meeting you half way but don't rely on it.

I don’t agree. And the benefits of DS being around a better male role model may pay dividends.

If op moves the ex could insist that she does all the transport.

He could certainly object, and apply to court to refuse the move. In any order he could insist that as she moved she does all the travel.

Op, how far is it, precisely. Could take that long to cross London on a good day, or travel to Yorkshire from the M25. 2 or 3 hours is 8 to 12 hours travel potentially. You need to be precise.

In this particular case, given that ex has a conviction for assault of OP, attempts to block her from moving should be considered in the light of past coercive control of her.

She is not moving a considerable distance, and it shouldn’t be a problem to put an 11 year old on a train to be picked up by his dad. It’s not unreasonable to want to move to where her new partner lives, it’s not as if she’s moving to the other side of the country on a whim. As long as she is seen to be facilitating access, which is is, she may well have a reasonable chance.

My husband took his ex to court for this as she refused to meet half way then stopped all contact (relationship with his dc has always been great). He previously paid for all her travel (she doesn't drive). It's a 4 hour drive away without traffic. So half way seemed to make sense.

The judge was not happy with her. Even said he was tempted to move residency.

She now has to meet halfway and she has to pay for the travel herself.

Just be careful with this all.

Thank you to everyone who has replied constructively or with their own experiences.
I did try to convey in my posts that I would not do anything my DC didn’t want to and wasn’t in their best interests. Also that I was not attempting to restrict access so no idea where some of the replies are coming from. I’d love to never have to deal with him again but am not naive enough to think that this would have no effect on dc.

I understand that your intention behind the move isn't to reduce access but the fact is that moving a child 2-3 hours drive away will have that effect unless you can show otherwise.

That is why my advice would be to wait until your child is old enough to make the train journey independently - I think 10/11 is a bit marginal for this.

Since Ex himself “moved a similar distance away a few years ago actually but hardly saw him then and then moved closer to us “ it will be hard to argue it’s unreasonable for OP to do the same. Why would it be ok for him and not her?

It’s all very well advising to wait until he’s a bit older but it will be harder for him to move once he’s started secondary and established friends there.

If OP is agreeable to meet ex halfway either by train or car, it’s not an onerous journey.

Because he didn’t take the child with him or do anything to damage the child’s relationship with his mother by moving. Also, he can (truthfully) argue the relationship with the child is better now.

I’m not saying the ex is a good father but the current relationship involves visits 3 out of 4 weekends and the courts are going to support that no matter what the OP wants.

To go back to ‘the Dad did it argument’, the courts would do nothing to prevent the OP moving and barely seeing her son (what the father did). That’s not what she wants - she wants to take her son with her (obviously). There’s a significant risk the court will say if she does move, her son stays put (so with his father)

@Mirabai

I'm not commenting on the morality or ethics of the situation, more the reality of it.

The fact is that he might well be successful with a prohibited steps order. And him having some years ago also moved away would really not be taken into account as for some time now he has had regular contact.

Op it's shit and unfair I'm fully on your side but you can't move. It's too much of a risk.

I have an abusive ex and recommed grey rock. Google it if you don't know. Never speak to him on the phone or in person. So don't meet him to discuss as he wants. They just use these chances to abuse and manipulate. You have seen for yourself he blows up which you can't prove then sends what sounds like a reasonable message. He's getting evidence to back himself while depriving you of proof of reality and he's probably really enjoying himself doing it. You need all communication in writing and always write assuming one day it could be used in family court.

My arsehole ex was horrible and controlling. Used court to control and abuse me. After I grey rocked him eventually he found himself a new victim girlfriend. And ironically he moved 5 hours away having tried to control where I lived! I'd been ordered not to move away while our court battle was going on. I just wanted to move house within the town I lived so he didn't know where I was (he had been breaking in etc) so wasn't stopped doing that like he was trying to do.

I never thought he'd stop his games but actually the court order had been better than not having one. If I were you I would apply for a CAO yourself call his bluff. He can't then threaten it and scare you and use it to control you. Just ask for CAO reflecting what you have now. Don't reduce his contact so it should be granted as it is. If he wants more contact you have the history of assult that it would be bad. State you want the court order to reduce disagreements, protect yourself and importantly- protect child from being stuck in the middle and emotionally manipulated.

Then you get to say "I will follow the court order" to every game and manipulation or abusive message you get. It took much of the power ex had to abuse me away from him.

One last thing I wanted to say was have a care for your own emotional 'manipulation' of your child. I'm not saying for a second this is intentional or even happening. You just described your child as a people pleaser feeling guilty for upsetting dad etc. You also said child told you they don't mind moving. How do you know they are not trying to please you by saying that? One of my kids response to such a volatile and dangerous father has been people pleasing. She's court ordered to see the man if left because he hurt her (but I couldn't prove it so he got contact and me insisting contact was supervised was seen as parental alienation because he then refused contact on those terms and spun it that I'd refused all contact. ALWAYS ALWAYS communication in writing!) anyway my point is my dd is like this with me to. She will pick a film she knows I like for us to watch, same with meals etc she's always trying to make others happy to keep herself safe and it's so deeply ingrained it's automatic even occasionally with me. I have to remind her we can have different opinions and likes/dislikes and that be fine. I ask what food/film/etc she wants I mean what do you want not what do you think I want. Be careful your son isn't developing this personality streak. Does he not have friends etc you would expect him to be hesitant to leave?

It's shit and unfair men like this get to live their life and the abused women pay in sacrifice for the child. I do really understand. But if we don't do it we know they won't do it and ultimately the best thing for the child needs to be priority

Personally I would do it. A few hours away you could do two weekends a month and meet halfway. Alternatively you could wait a few years until your son is a bit older to have more autonomy in the decision around custody

I stayed local to my kids father as ultimately it would have been the kids who would be spending hours every week travelling. It is frustrating, as I am paying a lot of rent to live here. 1 more year until DD (youngest of 3) goes to uni, and then I am moving. My kids love their dad and it felt selfish to move. I think as you’re moving for a boyfriend then it is a bit selfish, even if you think life would be better. Are you prepared to do the roundtrip every weekend? I wouldn’t want to spend my weekends driving on busy motorways, and I wouldn’t want my kids to do that either.

And if the court says no (common in cases like this) and/or says her moving means the child should live with his father?

Even if the move is allowed, it is really unlikely the court:

1. Will allow contact to be reduced from the current 3 times a month
2. Will require ‘meeting halfway’. If the OP moves, there is every chance the court will say it’s for her to do all the travel.

He didn’t take the child with him but he didn’t visit him either so he damaged his own relationship himself. I do appreciate that that is different from moving the child away.

I’ve never disputed he may be successful, family courts can be capricious and it will depend to some degree on the judge.

It’s actually impossible to predict when a compromise will be supported and when existing contact will be upheld to the detriment of one party.

The problem is he’s now (as the court will see it) repaired the relationship.

The court may let the OP move over her ex’s objections but if he does apply for a prohibited steps order I would not be surprised if he gets it.

There was a recent post where an OP who can’t drive due to a medical condition has been trapped in a rural village with no public transport which makes it impossible for her to work by such an order.

The court don’t consider what’s best for the parents, they look at what’s best for the child and they will almost always say staying in the same area with the same level of contact is best.

Your ex sounds awful and I'm sorry you went through all that, but I don't think I've seen you answer the multiple people saying how would you facilitate contact. I co-parent 50/50 with my daughter's dad, and while it's very different in that we have a great relationship, there's no way I'd move my daughter away from her dad. Your son obviously has a relationship with his dad, you need to think about what's best for him. Could your boyfriend move to you, or could you compromise and both move somewhere in the middle?

I’ve seen it go both ways. And he may not actually apply for it.